One thing I learned is that men are not multitaskers. You tell them to do something and they say ok and then they dont do it for awhile so they leave it off by procrastinating it. I ask my husband why do you procrastinate too much, he says that he is not in the mood at the time. So what I have to do is wait until he is in the right mood so that he does what I ask him to do. He is not a lazy guy, it's just when he is feeling down and stressed he just doesn't feel the energy to do anything. Another thing that frustrates me is that he is on medication like Effexor and suboxone, so I think that also makes him out of it. I love my husband dearly but I dont know how to stop nagging in making him do things he doesn't feel like doing at the time. Does anyone have this problem? Please share me your suggestions and advice.
Thank you

My dh claims to be a multi-tasker, when he really isn't. Things get piled up and then he gets in over his head. Now I am not perfect, but if I start a project then I will do my best to complete it. Right now dh is in the process of painting the trim around the house, replacing the wooden fence around the back yard, and then never ending task of organizing the garage. This has been going on since the beginning of the year and if it was me, well it would have been done already.

What I do to help him along (and it seems to be working) is write out a list of what I think we should try to get done over the weekend. If he says he needs to work on such and such instead, then I tell him that is not an option since the painting supplies and fence stuff is already all over the back porch waiting to be finished. So my advice to you is to try the list thing and let him mark off things that are finished that way he feels like he has completed something. GOOD LUCK!

Have you read the Q&A article on thoughtful requests?

I really suggest you get a copy of 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Nagging is a great way to suck the life out of your husband. In your other thread you're browbeating him to talk to your dad, who he has already made it plain he doesn't care to interact with. Please read the book.

I also second Goodwrench's suggestion to read the section on thoughtful requests. You might consider getting a copy of 'Lovebusters' for more clues on how not to interact with your husband.

I don't see where you asked your H what HE thinks needs to be done. What does he think? Are these things on the 'list' put there by you or by both of you? If you're putting them there, I'm not surprised he's not enthusiastic. What are you doing to negotiate?

Jane,

I really undersand about the urge to nag. I have to fight that urge in myself a lot. I'm a very organized person, so I can't understand why it takes dh so long to get to a job. What it really comes down to is that everyone does what THEY think needs doing.

I've been after my dh to go see a doctor about some potential skin cancers that he has. We live in Australia, so this is a very real concern. So for the last 6 months I have asked him to make an appointment, and he says that he will, but he never does.

Finally, yesterday I asked if I could phone the clinic and make the appointment for him since he's been so busy. To my astonishment he said yes, and admitted that he is a bit afraid to go because the treatment for the skin cancers hurts.

So, I could have saved 6 months of worry and nagging if I'd just brainstormed a bit.

Doh!

NOT IN THE MOOD AT THE TIME???? I am sorry but do men think about all the things that we do when we don'f feel like it...how about when we are sick yet we carry on our duties with no break...I am sick of that " I am not in the mood at the time" excuse...marriage is a partnership and it requires both to do things when they dont feel like it.
That kind of comment really urks me and I dont think it is fair for women to half to walk on eggshells to get their partner to do something.

Is the expectation that men should simply just snap-to every time their wives say so? Talk about your one sided perspectives...

Sorry, but this touches a nerve with me as well, but from the other side. My XW always expected everything be maintained on and according to her schedule. Any time I chose not to adhere to it was viewed by her as a lack of love and support. The actual getting it done wasn't what was important. Getting it done within the time frame that she demanded was what was important.

What's missing from this thread is respect for the desires of both parties and any discussion of motivation. Just because you want something done doesn't mean the other person wants to do it and vice versa. Negotiation helps here. What are you doing to motivate your husband in a positive fashion? Do you understand the concept of positive reinforcement? Is resentment driving you?

On another thread someone was talking about passive aggressive behaviour in females where the wife won't say what she wants to do but holds it against the man.

In this case I think the men saying that they will do something, but then not doing is equally passive aggressive. In both cases I think its about power and manipulation, so neither is cool.

I agree with Booka that some discussion is necessary here. However I do know that even though a person may say that they will do something, getting themselves to actually do it is another matter.

My dh feels that its only fair that he do a reasonable amount of housework since we both work full time. But for whatever reason, he never gets to it. Its kind of like that old saying "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak".

Its frustrating to me, but so far the only thing that I've found that works is to keep respectfully asking for what I want and need and to cut him slack when he occaisionaly doesn't follow through on what he promises.

You just have to keep brainstorming to find something that works. I can sympathize with the poster that said he didn't want to hop to just because the wife asked it of him. Also, agreeing on a time frame for doing a task is important. Something things need to be handled right away, and other things can wait until the weekend or whenever.

If I need to go to the store, and dh's truck is blocking me so I can't get out, if I ask him to move it, I need him to do it quickly. However, if I ask dh to fix the leaky fawcett in the bathroom, this may and probably will take longer.

You are always going to have more chores to do around the house than you can do. Both of you need to sit down and agree (negotiate) what needs to be done, objectively - not what YOU want done vs what HE wants done.

Prioritize. Nothing kills moral quicker than having six tasks that are all top priority. Ask anyone who has worked for a boss like that.

Thank each other for work completed, and compliment it even before it is completed. DON'T immediately remind him of the next chore.

Don't come out and supervise, coach, micromanage, etc.
I see women do this with their children all the time, then complain that the kids don't offer to do any chores. Why would they?

Do you know how your husband's parents handed out chores, praise and criticism when he was a boy? I guarantee that has a lot to do with his attitude today.