My wife and I have been married for a year and a half. For the most part, I am happy with our marriage but our philosophies are a little different. When I try to talk to her about these things so we can openly communicate about them, she gets mad at me for even trying to have a discussion.

After about a couple of months of marriage, we found out that we were pregnant with twins. We were very happy and nervous about the news. Throughout the pregnancy we discussed various topics dealing with the babies, with one of them being who would be responsible for keeping them. So, my wife makes the comment that since she is the mother, the babies will see her family more often. This blew me away because both of our families are in the same town, so it’s not like my family lives in another city. Also, we were and still are renting a house from my grandmother who lives beside us. So, I wasn’t sure how this was going to be possible. I told her how I felt about her statements and in typical fashion she got mad and gave me the silent treatment. I hate when people have funny ways and that’s how I felt my wife was treating this situation. She was purposely going to make sure my family didn’t see OUR babies as much as her family. So, you know what happens when you act funny about things; they get taken away. We lost the twins at the five month mark of my wife’s pregnancy. It was a sad occasion but I felt my wife had learned her lesson on how you should act when God blesses you with a child.

A few months later, we got pregnant again and we were happy and nervous again. This time everything worked out and our son was born back in March. This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, but I am finding that there are more obstacles coming my way every single day. My wife has reverted back to her philosophy that her family should see the baby more since she is the mother. As a result, she is trying to ensure that this happens. For example, the baby has gone to her parents’ house a lot more than my parents’ house on weekends. We also have an arrangement where both of our parents split the days they babysit for us while we are at work. When my parents keep him, she expects them to bring him back at the same time she comes home from work (5:30pm). When her parents keep him, she picks him up, so she may stay there an hour before coming home (6:30pm). So, yesterday I get home from work and she’s at the door with her arms folded. She was mad because my parents hadn’t brought him back yet (it was 5:45pm at the time). They ended up bringing him back at 6pm, so she could get a little rest before she had to start caring for the baby. So, she didn’t talk to me all last night because of this. Also, like I said before we live beside my grandmother who we rent a house from. On Sundays, my uncles gather at her house for dinner after church. My wife feels that if they, my grandmother included, want to see him they can come over to our house. She refuses to allow me to take him over to my grandmother’s house. But she says that if we lived beside her parents, they wouldn't have to come over to see him because she would take him to their house. As I am writing this, I can’t believe it and I don’t understand it.

I provide for my wife and son, so I should at least have a say in this. Every time I try to communicate my feelings, my wife thinks I am arguing and doesn’t want to talk. I think we should compromise but she can’t soften her heart enough to allow this to occur. She wants everything done her way. She is showcasing her funny ways again and I am afraid something is going to happen again to teach her another lesson. Sometimes I want to tell her to move to her parents’ house, so her family can spend all of the time in the world with my son. But I don’t want to let him go because I love him too much.

What should I do? I know she’s not going to counseling, so that’s not an option.

I find this statement very disturbing. Do you really think your children died because of your wife’s attitude? You seem to be gloating over her “learning her lesson”

How old are the two of you?

For starters next Sunday get your son dressed and ready to go. Then inform your wife you are heading over to your Grandmother’s house and ask her if she would like to come with you and your son. If she says no then say “ok, we will be back in a couple of hours, have a great day!”

No, I'm not gloating over her learning her lesson. I did not want my twins to die. I am disturbed that you would even suggest that. Why would I want that to happen?

I am saying that since it did happened, I was thinking my wife would take that tragedy and use it to be more mature when handling issues regarding raising a child. I thought she would be more appreciative of having me in her life and realize that we BOTH need to make these types of decisions, not just her.

I'm 26 and she's 24. I started to take him over there anyway, but I didn't want her mad at me for the rest of the day. My son and I had just gotten back from church and I didn't want to deal with the silent treatment that day. Next time I think I'm going to take your advice and just take him over there. He's my child too.

You are sounding as if because she's more forceful than you, she gets to do what she wants. Is that the kind of life you want? If you don't stop it now, you'll be in for this for the rest of your life!

I'm not criticizing your wife, just saying that you have to establish EQUAL representation regarding all family decisions. If she clams up and gives you the silent treatment, reward her infantilism by saying, "Fine. If you're going to act like that, I'll just have to make the decisions until you're ready to negotiate fairly." And then take your son to get to know his other half of the family.

She is trying to control the situation by being ruder, stronger, meaner than you. Don't let her get away with it - for HER sake. You're here, trying to learn and mature and grow; let her benefit from your growth; help her.

If you want more details, we can supply.

You both are young and have to learn to work together as a family. The reason your wife is treating you this way is because you are allowing it. So she doesn't get her way and she pouts for the day, so what? Ignore her childish behavior and explain to her that you are adult equal partners and should treat each other with love and respect. If you allow this to continue it will only get worse.

When I was in my early 20's a dated a young man that was close to his family. I was close to mine but mine didn't plan out all my holidays. We lived 45 minutes apart. At first it was about 50/50 taking turns going to each others houses. Then it slowly became more me going there than him coming to my home. I voiced my displeasure and we actually broke up over it. I am so glad we did, that is no way to live. His family was more important to him, even more important than my feelings. I eventually married a man who loves my family just as much as his and we all get along.