I have posted some discussion on my thread about my FWH going on trips overnight. I'm not getting much action on it and thought that if I brought it up here, people might be able to stop by and give me their thoughts. Sorry...I'm OCD and when I get on an idea, I just can't drop it until I have some resolution in my mind. These trips are looming in my mind and FWH is not offering many suggestions...just "bowing" to the reality that the boys and I will be going with him.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make away trips work in a recovering M? Maybe not for this moment (as we are only a few months in) but things that we can work on to make it possible for later?

Hi HTM

Wow, its not been very long at all since your FWH last had contact with OW. he is still in withdrawal, only just past the worst bit ( six weeks according to Dr H).

Must he travel ? Far better if he doesn't
If he MUST then can you travel with him ?
If he must travel without you then he must make himself utterly transparent and accountable to you at all times.

In our case it was overnighter and a few afternooners where the A took place. It was me who had to travel on business and for a year or more after d-day hotel rooms triggered me dreadfully.

While I was away Squid txted and called me many times per day telling me her diary. She hated it, because she was not accustomed to this and felt some entitlement from her A still, but she did it because it was a boundary of mine.

Now we probably don't stay in enough contact when we are apart overnight but neither of us is fearful anymore.

I hope this helps.

Thank you Bob. That's what I needed to know. I am going to talk with FWH about post-poning trips for at least six months, but I was looking for advice on ways to make travel possible for him down the line. The idea of checking in throughout the day would help.

I agree it's too soon. I'm hoping that with another six months of him showing me that he can be trusted, I will feel less uneasy and we will be able to find ways to make it work.

Any other people wanna chime in here? I have gotten little response on my thread and am really trying to deal with this before it is the day of the trip and I have no time.

It would be better if he were the one asking the questions about protection than you.

Because he needs to show absolute commitment to protection and to you feeling safe from his untrustworthiness.

As it is you asking the question, the root of the problem is not being addressed. He needs to be the one worrying about this instead of you.

I know it isn't much help, but I just can't bring myself to do overnighters anymore. I used to do two short ones a year, and my FWW met with OM both times. SF occurred on one of them, and that has finished me being away overnight. I have to be able to look in her eyes every night. Now, she does stay at her mother's house two nights a week out of town where she works, but her mother and sister are with her and she works nights. She sleeps during the day and goes to work without opportunity for trouble. The idea of overnighters just doesn't work for some of us without major boundaries.

Are these business trips? If so, then you will have to learn to deal with them. With cell phones and web cams, you can do a lot of checking up on him.

JM

Web cams are a great idea! He has a laptop and I would be able to skype with him.

They are for business...that's why I'm trying to figure out how to make it work. It affects his ability to earn an income, thus affecting our family.

Thanks for the insights.

I think I'd put overnight or longer business trips in the same category as friends of the opposite sex...it ain't happening. Pull double shifts at McDonald's or something, but the business trip is a thing of the past.

ditto

Thanks Crazy...it's a tough balance. He has a great business that is on the verge of expanding into several states (Oregon is the first one outside of California) and I want to see him succeed. I just don't know how to let him go and feel ok.

My step-mom said that she thought maybe spending another six months really rebuilding the M and I might be more comfortable with him going overnight. I know that for any trust to be there, he has to prove himself. He does that with the little day to day things right now. Every time he does what he says, trust grows a little more. Maybe eventually, he can prove to me that he is trustworthy enough to go overnight with LOTS OF PROTECTIONS in place.

View this as an opportunity to help you and he understand each other better.

Make a list of what you need to feel better if he goes on one of these trips and go over it with him. Put down everything you can think of, and then talk about it in order to find a workable solution. Not only will it help you, it will also help him understand how bad you were hurt by the A.

I think you'll find that you don't need as much as you think you do. What you want to know is: (1) Is he where he says he is and (2) is he with another woman. It seems that frequent cell phone calls and some phone camera pictures sent to you immediately should do the trick.

You'll get more cooperation from him if you phrase it as "what you need" to get through this and that you need his help, so you're going to call him any time you get a "panic attack", which might be 3 AM.

When you do make that "3 AM phone call", tell him that you were really worried and in pain, but just talking to him made you feel better, and you appreciate his understanding.

The funny thing is that you end up understanding more about him and what he goes through. So, it really is good for both of you.

JM