We just had a stressful move from another state, and now my husband (one of those guys no one would ever think would do this) had an affair with a woman from work. I found hotel and other receipts so he had to confess. At first, he was going to leave but then he said he wanted to work on getting his marriage back and his family (we have 2 sweet small boys). We've been together 20 years, married 13. There are many issues of the different needs that aren't being met in our marriage. I told him he had to tell her goodbye. The next day he said to her he was putting his life on hold. Now what is that supposed to mean. How can I ever work to save this marriage knowing she is on hold, just in case. My H and I are going to Christian (which is what I thought we were) counseling Monday and we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'm a phycho. I think I need to read more about lovebusting because I just can't stop pushing things. I keep calling him at work because I don't trust him and I tell him exactly that. I'm trying to find out (which I think I have) who she is. It's killing me. It's been about a week now and sometimes it looks hopeful, then it looks like the end. I'm lost. I could use encouragement and advice.

Hi Hurt,<BR>First welcome (always sounds so trite under the painful circumstances that bring us here). You will find a lot of support and great people on this site. Just wanted to say that you shouldn't be discouraged if you don't get too many responses this late, but keep posting...<P>OK, first of all take a deep breath. I know how awful this all feels to you. Only a week since you discovered, plus being in a new city where I assume you don't yet have friends or family must be totally overwhelming. The time warp effect of those early weeks just about drove me crazy - little sleep, wild emotional swings from hour to hour. When I found out I read everything I could find - just to try to put some control back into my life. It didn't do that, but I learned a ton and this site is a great place to start. I also recommend the books Surviving the Affair by Harley and After the Affair by Spring. Also, just start reading through some of the postings on this site<P>It is great your H has agreed to counseling - but you are right, he still is confused about what he wants. And no, you cannot really "work" on the marriage until the OW is out of the picture - and sometimes this takes a long time (too long in some cases).Coming to terms with the affair (for both of you), getting over it and re-building is a long, slow process - you will find "success stories" amongst those here and also reassurance that you are not alone - no matter how bleak things seem at any given moment.<P>Go easy on yourself, do not rush. Acknowledge that you are suffering a terrible hurt. My children were really my lifeline, and the way I stayed sane during this time because it is impossible to ignore them and their needs. Do stay in touch...<BR>Take care,<BR>Starpony<BR>

hi<BR>Im so sorry,I feel sick thinking back to when I first found out. The pain and confusion is just indescribable. Firstly it does get better, believe me, but it takes a long time.<BR>you are going to go through all the normal grieving stages as you have to grieve the loss of the marriage and trust you thought you had. however you both can rebuild your marriage into something so much BETTER.<BR>These stages are disbelief/shock/bargaining/anger/depression to finally reach acceptance. They take a long time.This initial time is a horrible mess, and very hard on both parties for different reasons. For the betrayed it seems we have to do a lot of work when really we feel like just hitting them over the head but its worth it. Try and be the woman he married all those years ago.Its most important to determine what needs she was meeting and then make sure YOU meet them instead. If you do this there will be no more need for her, once the addiction lessons. Start doing this as soon as possible. For now, concentrate on your husband. Try and be understanding of why he felt the need to go outside your marriage, cos unfortunately he may go some grieving of giving up this other fantasy world. Remember despite the horrible details you will hear from him, affairs are mainly fantasy environments and its highly likely in time he will look back on that time and wonder what the hell he was doing. Thankfully youre doing all the right things already, found this great site, going to counselling etc. Its very important he does not contact her in any way, to give your marriage a proper go is impossible with a third party still around and please dont underestimate how much of an addiction affairs are..you need to have an agreement that he will tell you if she contacts him, and ideally she needs to be given closure and should be told by him that he is rebuilding his marriage with you and that the affair is over.<BR>I could write a book here but I know others will very soon have great advice for you.<BR>good luck :-) Remember in the end your marriage can be so much better than ever before, your husband must believe this too.<BR>Also remember humans like to spend time with the person whos making them feel the best about themselves, I know how hard it is when you have been SO hurt but this works.<BR>Finally, in order to fully process this affair and both learn from it you both need to talk alot, your pain must be heard and understood by him, however hard it is for him to hear. And his unmet needs must be acknowledged and met by you, just as your unmet needs must be met by him. <BR>

Dear Just Found Out -<BR>I am new here too. I just found out 3 months ago and he finally made his ultimate decision 1 1/2 months ago. The OW in my case doesn't work with him but across the street. His office is in a mall and of course plenty of opportunity to run into each other. Is the OW at his job now or in your old town? It is great that you are going to counseling, let me suggest that you go together but also you will need to go separately so you can express some of your feelings to the counselor so you don't completely go insane when it feels like no one understands. Also, he will have to make a choice at some point. It took my H about 2 mos to make that decision but I know of others that took much longer. Don't think that this will have a quick fix. As you have already said there were things in the marriage that needed to be fixed. The same is true in my marriage of 12 years. Don't be afraid for him to see how angry and hurt you are. If that drives him back to the OW that is his decision, but you have every right to feel the way you do. In fact, for the healing to begin at some point, he has to see you hurt. Sometimes that is what makes it a reality for them. It is a rollercoaster ride - let me tell you because I am right there with you. One good book that I have found is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Talk to the counselor first before reading it to make sure it is not to early. You need time to grieve, be angry and so on before you think about going forward. You are right about his OW, he will have to make that decision before you can move ahead but you need to take care of yourself right now. As much as he probably doesn't want anyone else to know, you need to find one close friend you can talk to. Plus, we are here for encouragement and support. Sometimes I may not be much for encouragement since I am on the same ride right now but I am going through it with you. I have 3 little ones - one that is 15 mos old. I do love my husband with a love that only God could have given me so I am committed to make this work and become better but sometimes that is hard to see. It is hard work..don't be fooled that it isn't.. One quote that I cling to on a daily basis is Never Never Give Up! Also, in the next few days or weeks there are probably going to be times when you feel like you can't function - that is okay. If your kids are small like mine see if there are any daycare's that take drop in's. If you work, that should help a little during the day. Keeps your focus on something else for a little while anyway. Enough from me - this is a book already. <P>------------------<BR>Faithjoy

Hi Just found out;<BR>We are so much alike, I've been with him 20 years, married 15 and we are Christians. I know what you mean "you thought". My H at one time was a youth Pastor, Assistant Pastor and leader in the church for quite a few years. He was in leadership which makes him more responsible, when this happened we were out of the church and I went thru a serious depression. That proved too much for him but he didn't stop when I got well. (read my thread)<P>I am amazed that you already know what YOU want, I wish I did. I am still in limbo. Hopefully he will take the steps because you deserve this. Keep in mind that this affair is NOT a reflection on you but a defect in your H's character. Yes, we all can improve our marriages, but I refuse to accept this is our responsiblity to KEEP him faithful. Until he is willing to fix this in him and not blame anything or anyone could you move on. <P>I will pray for you and your situatiion. If you want to contact me you can thru this site. I will be here for you.<P>Also allow yourself to go thru the process of shock, anger, hurt or whatever. You need to do that to get on regardless of the outcome of your marriage. Use conseling, this site, friends, whatever, you deserve it, you deserve so much more. Your H needs to see the hurt in you, for your healing. It's not easy but HE is the one who needs to know the depths of this in your life. Take care of yourself too, this is hard to do a times but its essential for your self esteem. (I'm talking to myself here too)

At one week you are still in shock, living one moment to the next. Be good to yourself.<BR>I found reading on the topic to be very helpful. Great books: <P>Surviving the Affair by Harley<BR>Torn Asunder (Christian based) by Carder<BR>After the Affair by Springs<BR>Divorce Busting by Weiner-Davis<BR>Your Husbands Midlife Crisis by Conway<P>I found a lot of these in the library, but Amazon has them as well.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>