Hi

this is my first post and I have read the basic principles. My situation is my W has been having affair for the last 3 months. i found out 6 weeks ago. I have been following advice on Divorse Busting web site. The advice was not to expose affair. after reading the posts on this site I thing my strategy is all wrong.

We are still living together in the same house she will not stop affair and she is with om now and I feel like she is rubbing my nose in it!!!She says she wants to seperate and still remain friends. we have talked about who will have children we I agreed to 2 days aweek, just to stop the arguments. We have also agreed to not talk about situation until we sell house and then divide the equity, the house aslo needs work on it and the market to sell is poor so i think we have 6 months together. we have been quite nice with each other and friendly since this agreement other the last 2 week. we also have holiday booked for the summer which she says she will go on, but as booked a flight back after week, I will stay with children.

Any advice

Most definitely expose the affair. Even if you end up divorcing, you should not let your children be exposed to the immoral situation, and the rest of the fall out over the next few years. If this place teaches us anything, it's that an affair will usually not survive in the light of day, once their families, friends, and coworkers realize what they're doing to their respective families. Yeah, she'll be mad at you, but what the hey? She's already divorcing you. You might as well get your self-respect back, and you owe it to your kids to stop it. Don't let them grow up thinking it's an ok thing, and do it themselves.

Thanks, I forgot to mention that she says she is telling everyone in two weeks that we are splitting up, this is when the children have finished exams.

Do you think it is too late for me now to do a plan A we are stuck together in the house until we sell it. also do you do full disclosure to children they ages 9 12 and 13 all girls. The w doesnt want me to.

I also know that she has tried to call it off with nom on numerous times. she uses MSN to communicate with him should I block this use on our laptop?

Do whatever you can to interfere with the A. If you don't want a divorce, put a halt to that too. Tell us more about your situation, how long you've been married, kids ages, how was the marriage pre-A, what do you know about OM, etc.

Right now, you've given the A breathing room, agreeing to an amicable separation, going along with the "just be friends" routine, etc. This is all typical Wayward Spouse stuff, all according to script. Time to burst the affair fantasy bubble and bring reality into the picture.

sorry you're here, read all the free stuff on this site and buy Harley's affair related books.

we have been married 13 years the children are 8 12 and 13 and all girls.
Before A i didnt think anything wrong with M, I was having a diffficult time at work and I was under alot of stress. Ou sex lfe was ok.

Since A she has said I was controlling bringing stuff up from the past saying everything was bad with R. Which i know not to be true.

om works with her indirectly, she says he is laid back and makes her laught. They are very different to each other she is good looking an hes not, you would not put them together.

How do i go about the exposure of A do i tell everyone at same time or do I do parents first

Expose today.

Pick the phone and call in this order: WW parents, WW siblings, OMW, WW employer.

Do not warn prior to exposing just do it.

If you want to save your marriage tell WW you will not give her one. Tell her you will fight to not have to pay her anything if she divorces you. Never agree to anything she wants just to get WW off of your back or to get on her good side. Same with custody. Tell WW you want 50%, if not full.

Do not enable her financially to continue her affair.
Do not move out of your home to give her space. That is just WW babble to get you out of the way for her to have her affair. She asks for space, tell her fine go pack your stuff and leave without the kids. But do not push her out. It makes it harder for WW to see you doing a plan A and reconnecting with you.

Then read up on this site and learn about plan A. The do a plan A.

Tell her that to recover your marriage she will have to have NC and can not work with the OM any longer and must change her job.

wife says she is telling everyone that we are seperating in 2 weeks should i wait and see what she does. We are getting on quite well at the moment. she says that she is coming to a family wedding which is 3 days away!! I don't know if this a good sign. Also my daugthers will have finished exams then so there will be less impact on them. will two more weeks make a difference for exposure and its impact, we are still living together and will have to until the house is sold and it needs work on it prior to selling, I have 6 months todo a good plan A

Nothing to gain by waiting. Why let WW have the power and be in control? Upset her plans by taking control and expose now.

Part of Plan A is exposing! You can't get anywhere if they get to keep having the affair in secret! If you have to allow her something, do it the day after the wedding, but if you want to have more impact - and better chance to save the marriage - do it before the wedding, where more people will be around her.

thanks for advice, I was going to expose after wedding. However she wanted to go see OM after the children had gone to bed, I said i was going out so you can't. In the end I said this disrespectful when we are still living together. Then she tried to turn it round as if was all my fault and she was hurting. I said I was exposing A to her mum and dad and all the family. Then she said can't you wait until the children have finished exams, in 2 weeks time. We got into a discussion about being together in the house and she said all she wanted to do was be by herself with the children, I said go and leave them go to OM he is the reason why we are like this. She said its nothing to do with him its all my fault!!

In the end one my children was poorly so no one went out. She then went on MSN for hour with om, she was trying to hide it all the time.

She says she is telling everyone that we are splitting up in two weeks, which is different from I have been having an affair for the last 14 weeks and I am addicted to it and I am a totally differnt person to who you know.

Anyway this is a bit of rant and I think the childrens exams are more important and they start next Monday. so I will expose after they have finished and befor the wedding I will go away without her she can try and pick up the pieces.

I do need to think about what my plan A strategy should be,I do have a problem with where to start.

Her addiction is still there b/c you let it, exposure is not something that you should use as a threat.

JUST DO IT

I know it's hard to do but you are not wrong, WW is.

Prepare for her anger and backlash toward you, WW will be very upset. I handled that wrong and ended up with a separation b/c of my anger toward my WW. Even though the affair ended, my anger toward WW about the infidelity had a long lasting impression.

My WW was telling many "friends" that we were getting separated 2 months before I even knew that she wanted to separate. One of those "friends" was the OM before her affair started, she was planning. Your WW is making the excuse for her affair, you need to expose her so she can no longer make those excuses.

Make your plan and follow through with it.

This is bang on. My WW was telling everyone she was single before I even knew she was. Act now.

Dude!

A betrayed spouse has so few weapons to use against an affair that they really have to use those things they have at their disposal to maximum effect.

The most powerful weapon in the BS arsenal is exposure.

Exposure causes a rift in an affair because it destroys the fantasy. Once the real reason for the WS acting the way they are is out into the open, it takes away the power the WS has to spin what is going on to friends and relatives.

Exposure can also help in that if the affair partner is catching he77 from a spouse or SO about the affair, it pressures the affair from both sides. This too hastens the end, though does not necessarily bring it to a screaming halt at once.

Exposure also pressures the affair because the support group that might currently be enabling the affair without realizing it can be brought to bear instead toward ending it. Friends and relatives that might be willing to support the WS through a time of trouble with their spouse will often pull the plug on that support once they know the WS is cheating.

Parents, siblings and friends of the WS are all potential exposure candidates as are the family and friends of the affair partner. In addition, a trusted pastor or clergy can also be of benefit in seeking to end the affair.

If the affair is the result of the workplace, people there might also be able to help and should be included. This is especially true when both the WS and the AP work for the same company. The mere thought of a lawsuit over something like this can often send the HR department scrambling to the legal department for assistance in separating the affair partners.

Now as you can see, I have listed a lot of potential folks to expose to here and I did that mainly for the benefit of others reading this thread because they are in a similar situation. But unless exposure is done quickly and in one giant explosion, its usefulness is lessened a lot because once exposure begins, the WS and AP have the chance to spin your actions and make you out to be a nut case of some kind or begin preparing and planning as your WW seems to be doing, making it known there are problems in the marriage and she is contemplating separation etc. If everyone gets warned ahead of exposure that you might be coming around acting all crazy, when you do show up to expose the affair they will already have an opinion of you that will not help your cause.

Exposure also pressures the affair simply by getting it out into the open. As long as the affair can be danced around and avoided being talked about, it continues in that fantasy state that is hard to get through, but once the light of day has been shed on the lies and deception, they fade quickly because they cannot hold up to scrutiny very long.

Some suggest a method of exposure that is concentric in nature. That is that exposure be done in an escalating fashion. Expose to the AP's spouse or SO first, then family and friends and then the work place etc. Sometimes this might work, but if an affair has been entrenched for very long, a huge wave of exposure is usually the best.

Sudden and powerful exposure usually works the best because it gets it all done at once and prevents any kind of spin by the APs. It also gets it all done with at once so that you don't have to keep going back over the same material over and over again. Each time you have to relive the explanation, it destroys your love for the WS a bit more and can actually stop you from fighting before you have a chance to win.

Also by exposing all at once, the greatest pressure is exerted on the affair because anyone deciding to comment or talk to the APs about it will all do so in rapid succession and they will get very little respite from it for quite a while. In addition, the anger will be like nothing you have ever experienced in your life and so you need to get it over with rather than continue it for very long. It will be hard on you and will not make love bank deposits into the WS's account, so just get it over with quickly and in one fell swoop of truth.

Plan A can work wonders, but unless exposure takes place soon, Plan A becomes Plan Doormat and Plan "I don't care what you do."

Yep, it sucks to do it, but it is the best weapon you have at your disposal, so use it before its impact can be lessened.

Mark

Don't wait, IMHO. By exposing now, you (1) reduce the time she has to get out her spin on the sitch, (2) reduce the liklihood that you look like you're the one spinning the story, and (3) have the benefit of the family's disdainful looks and gossip at the wedding. (Note: the intent of bringing shame is not to be vengeful, but rather to try to knock them out of their fantasy and back into reality).


You may want to wait until after exams to tell your DD. The stress would hinder their concentration.



That is good. I think you said her A started 3 months ago. If so, and if this is the typical infatuation, she is in the height of the fog right about now. The fog will begin to lift probably in 2-3 months (ymmv). You then may see whatever benefits can derive from a Plan A

Of course he makes her laugh! They are in fantacy land right now. No kids to worry about, no financial stress, no garbage to take out, no mortgage to pay....Hey, i'd be laughing too!!!

EXPOSE!!!! FAST.

Folk come here and classically complain of the same problem with the "Divorce Busters" policy of non exposure. I'm not saying that DB'er is not any good. I'm saying that by the time divorce proceedings is implemented, all evidence has already been gathered and exposure completed.

Expose. You are well overdue.

As everyone else posted, expose her now. She's making her separation from you, seem as if it is a "mutual agreement" between you both, and she'll spin her story to friends & family as such.

You need to burst her bubble now and expose the A for all the ugliness that it is.

Just saw bro's post, as it was moved to General Questions. I see that he hasn't posted since 07/29/08. I hope that he's okay.

EXPOSE!!!

If they work at same employer, expose to their direct supervisors and to the company's human resources office. Employers don't like to be hit with sexual harassment suits. If they have a policy, they should act.

Expose to parents

Expose to om's wife

EXPOSE!!!


NOW!!!!!

Bro1,

Your situation is exactly that of the situation I am going thru right now, minus kids. Many on here can tell you that everything is exact, the time period to the T. I almost thought I was reading my post. Please just listen to them, don't think about what they say too much, just trust them and do it. You are among the finest people at this forum. They will help you like they have been helping me for a couple of weeks.

Blitz