I'm bordering on hopeless at the moment, probably because of my own expectations. Here is our story and I welcome any advice I can get.



My wife is an alcoholic, bi-polar, and has a history consisting of sexual abuse, promiscuity, and drug abuse. I have had an addiction to pornography since about 7-9 years of age, very cold and distant parents, and very alcoholic tendencies.

We started off rocky, we had know each other two weeks when I proposed. Much of that time we were both in a drunken haze. About three months later we became pregnant, and were married three months after that. Today we have five children, boy 7, girl 3, girl 2, boy 5 months, and one we lost in miscarriage.

Between each child she has been a very active alcoholic, and I have enabled the behavior quite a bit, mostly out of my own selfish desires to drink. She has been sober now for 67 days.

Throughout our entire marriage, I have used pornography, with a few stints of sobriety here and there, I have now been sober for about 1-2 months. I have no intention to ever go back to that life, I know how much it has hurt our marriage, her, and myself. I have been cold and distant with her and the kids, erupting in angry outbursts at the slightest provocation. She has been hopitalized for mental breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, and alcohol abuse on at least four occasions since our marriage, as well as once in high school.

There have been three instances of adultery to date. About three months after our first son was born, while I was on a beer run she kissed my 16 year old brother. Shortly after our eldest daughter was born she became emotionally involved with her godfather. The most recent I will go into further depth shortly. She fails to recognize these prior two instances as affairs, which hurts quite a bit.

This year has been very rough. In February she attempted suicide while I was at my first meeting for my pornography addiction. She had been drinking. She began out patient treatment at the hospital shortly thereafter. Then at the behest of her psychiatrist she took the kids and left to her parents, calling me on her way down. I spent the week drunken, and she agreed to come home the following Sunday.

Upon her return I began counseling and had my doctor put me on anxiety medicine to help me change my behavior.

Much of the following information I only gleaned last night. Prior to her leaving she had developed a cordial friendship with a guy from her AA group. Upon her return he gave her a very intimate hug, and they talked for quite a while after the meeting. He initiated more physical contact, by holding her hands and then they went for a drive in his van, he kissed her. while she disclosed all the problems we where having in our marriage. After nearly each AA meeting they talked in his van, and on one occasion he went with her to buy diapers. After one meeting she went over to his house and met one of his children. And they talked and kissed. A few days latter she went over to his house and the kids were all over at another house for the night. They talked for a while then had intercourse. She saw him a few more times, and met his other two girls. Three days after the sexual relations she revealed to me that she was seeing someone else and that she had slept with him.

Time for a smoke break, I'll finish this post afterwards.

Continued... ( I'll add a time line afterwards. )

The following day was rough, but we were rather cordial with one another. The day after she decided that needed to separate. We spent many hours into the night talking and arguing about it with one another and others. By the end of the night she came around and broke into tears weeping that she loves me, was sorry, and wants to make it work. She called him and told him that she was going to make the marriage work and that she wasn't going to have contact with him anymore. I'll give more information later about the conversations I've had with him, and his background.

Things we going better than could be expected the rest of that week and though the weekend. We had many deep discussions, and made love many times. Through the following week she had no contact with him. That Saturday, after our sons first communion, she went over to his house and they talked an kissed. She called him from the home phone throughout the following week. The Tuesday after the latest adultery I called his home and disclosed to his oldest daughter, 15, that her fathers girlfriend had a husband and four kids at home. Things hit the fan for a while that day, with further talk of separation. She came back around and had no further contact with him. He had agreed to attend meetings at a different time than her, and had been sticking with it until the following Thursday. He was watching her throughout the entire meeting,mouthing "I love you" to her. After the meeting he approached her, and she asked him to leave her alone and that she needed to give her husband a chance.

There has been no contact since then.



Timeline:

02-28 she attempts suicide
03-24 she leaves with the kids
03-30 she returns form her parents
04-01 start of physical contact
04-11 adulterous intercourse
04-14 she revealed the adultery
04-26 she went over to his house
04-29 I exposed to his daughters
05-01 He approached her after the AA meeting


The other man:
43, twice divorced. Adultery in both marriages, alcoholic, drug abuse, middle daughter is the by product of one of his first wife's affairs.


Us:
I'm 28, she's 30. Married 8 years this September. I've been controlling, and she's been independent. I've exposed to everyone I can think of, she has exposed to others.


State of my mind:
I'm lonely. I've lost my wife, physically and emotionally. We have some really good days, and some days where she can't stand me. I've been doing all I can to meet all of her emotional needs. I'm just lonely and pissed. Lonely because of all the things I can't talk to her about because it's "smothering" her. Pissed because she's the one who had the adulterous affair, and I'm the one who's busting my balls. I've made a lot of progress on myself, and feel great about myself. However, I'm lost as to what to expect or what to do. I've read all the articles on this site, and many of the posts, but I'm still in a haze. It's all I can do some days to not check myself in to the hospital. The worst for me is I can see how this is killing her, but she doesn't express it. I've seen her in enough pain these 8 years to know when she's heavy hearted, but she's not talking to me about it. I'm sure I'm expecting too much too fast.


Can anyone give me some advice, namely on what in the world is going on in her mind. I'm lost.

Thanks in advance.

Addendum:
I've told her this morning that I would post here, and gave her my screen name. I'm not sure if she will post or not, however I'm hopeful that she will correct anything I've omitted or mistaken.

I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic myself and from what you have said it seems like you both are in the very earliest stages of recovery and you both have to be careful. It took me a long time to make one year sober, I'd get to 60 days, six months, etc and go back out. Hopefully that won't happen to you but be sure to understand even after a year or ten years sober you are not "cured"

And remember that simply not drinking/drugging is only the first step, actually it's the easiest step.

What a mess. The first thing that stands out is that she needs to find another meeting place entirely. She should never go there again. There are meetings everywhere and there is no reason she should go there.

Secondly, if I were you, TFMM, I would go to the group chairman or GSR or an elder of that AA meeting, and let them know they have a 13th stepper there that is trolling the meetings for easy lays. They might have a thing or two to say about that. Trolling the newbies at AA meetings is not cool and some of the men should have a chat with him. They could notify his sponsor, if any, to have a come-to-Jesus with him. The older women could also watch him and warn the new women about him. What a scumbag.

Outside of that, the only thing I can suggest is to continue going to meetings. Until y'all sober up, you won't have the sanity to work on your marriage so I would focus on sobriety for about a year, get the alcoholism arrested and then start working on the marriage.

Does your wife have a good sponsor?

a friend of Bill for 23 years,

Mel

23 years is nice!

I'd listen to this person, TFMM

TFMM, are you going to meetings yourself? What are you doing about your drinking problem?

And agedcadillac is right, it is not the drinking that is the problem, you have a LIVING problem. AA teaches alcoholics how to LIVE right. So, it is not enough to just stop drinking, you have to learn how to live SANE. And that has not been your strong suit, my friend. ]

But, you don't have to live like that anymore. Really.

I don't know for sure if I'm an alcoholic yet or not.

I've read the chapter in the big book about discerning wither or not I am, and came away with more questions than answers. I can't have just one, and in any social situation if my wife is there I can control it, just because I know I'll have to take care of her. But if she's not there I get trashed, sometimes if it's a "safe place"; home, close friends house, relatives, I get trashed even if she is there. Even when I'm "controlling" my drinking I've got to at least get a bit of a buzz.

My wife isn't sure, she leans to that I'm not, but I may just manifest it differently than she. I'm going to talk to my brother-in-law this afternoon and ask what he has observed, and what he thinks.

I'm thinking that I am, my doctor asked me a series of questions and believes me to be. I just don't want this to be something that I'm inadvertently contriving so that my wife and I will have another thing in common.

For me, just the fact I started questioning whether or not I had a problem became the first indication I did indeed have the problem.

Hi TFMM...Is your wife taking medication for her Bipolar Disorder? If so, how long has she been on meds? Is she willing to be on meds for the rest of her life, or, like many other people with Bipolar Disorder, does she struggle with staying on meds? Was she in a manic state each time she chose to commit adultery? Did you know that promiscuity is a symptom of Bipolar Disorder, and that without medication, she will continue to have impulse control issues?


What type of meds are you taking? I would strongly caution you against taking any of the benzodiazepines (Ex: Xanax, Valium, Klonipin, Ativan et al), because those are HIGHLY addictive drugs...In fact, many people consider them to be "dehydrated alcohol", and if you do decide that you are an alcoholic, please be careful of trading one addiction for another...

Mrs. W

Mel, WAY TO GO!!!! We have someone close to us that is coming up on his 10 year anniversary. DH and I are so proud of him!

I was saddened at reading this post. Two very wounded people. When I read about the WW having an affair with another AA person I was double shocked. I would be interested in finding out how long the OM has been in AA. Our close family member told us you shouldn't even think about dating until after the 2 year mark. (not that she should be dating but single people) He also said they also recommend not getting into close relationships with AA members of the opposite sex ESPECIALLY married ones because of the vulnerability. The OM has to know this so in my book it makes him the scum bag of the year.

Do you think it would be a good idea for them to go together to the meetings or is it better if they go separate? Also would you recommend they find another meeting place to go to? I know here there are lots because of the population but I do realize in smaller towns it is not an option. I do agree 100% that the leaders of that AA group should be told about this man.

TFMM,
Just so I am clear on this. Your wife has been sober from Alcohol for 61 days. You have been sober for how long? Are you talking sober from Alcohol or Porn or both?

You should not be drinking regardless if you are on an antidepressant. Alcohol is a depressant so you are just counter acting the medication you are taking.

You said your wife is Bipolar. I know you have a lot on your mind but make sure she is taking her medication. Count her pills if you have to. Sadly people with Bipolar tend to feel great after being on the medication and feel they don't need to take it anymore.
Here are some signs to each phase

Depressive Episodes
Depressive episodes are characterized by overwhelming feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and hopelessness. Symptoms may include

* Sadness
* Excessive crying
* Loss of pleasure
* Abnormal sleep
* Low energy
* Restlessness
* Difficulty concentrating
* Irritability
* Loss of appetite or overeating
* Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness
* Thoughts of death or suicide

Manic Episodes
Manic episodes are periods of elated mood, which can include racing thoughts, extreme irritability or reckless behavior. Symptoms may include

* Inappropriate sense of euphoria (elation)
* Racing thoughts; talking too much
* Extreme irritability
* Reckless behavior
* Abnormal sleep
* Excessive energy
* Out of control spending
* Difficulty concentrating
* Abnormally increased activity, including sexual activity
* Poor judgment
* Aggressive behavior

So how do I ask her to go to a different group? I've tried demanding, I've tried setting it as a requirement, I've tried asking, I've tried begging. She as divulged to the group that she had an affair with someone in the group, but not how, and they told her that she needs to stay there, and that "they don't let men run women off from the group." I am not sure wither or not she has told her sponsor who it was, or revealed who it was in the women's group.

I'm going to start going to an AA group as well, but she is demanding that I find a different group, because she is concerned that something will happen between him and I. As long as she is attending this group, I'm not willing to do that.

I also don't see any recovery for the two of you until your W goes to intense counseling for the sexual abuse. Even a glancing touch at 10 years old can destroy a person for life, let alone full-blown abuse. She is self-destructing BECAUSE of the SA. You will have to make that a condition, or you'll never survive together because she'll find a way to self-destruct one way or another.

She is, she didn't start until a few weeks ago, they had her simply diagnosed as depressive. Yes, she was in a very manic state at the time of this most recent adultery. I am very aware of the symptoms and effects of the disorder.



I am on Zoloft. My doctor did prescribe me Ativan as well. I'm debating wither or not to have the prescription filled. IF I do I'm going to have to decide on measures to ensure that I can't abuse it.

I have been sober from alcohol for 31 days and pornography for approximately 6 weeks.

She is currently in counseling, and has been off and on for about 7 years. I'm not sure if they are addressing this specifically with her current counselor.

TFMM,
How do you know this? Were you there or have you had it confirmed by a third party? Or did your wife tell you she divulged it. Something is not right here. Others in the program may be better versed on what the AA policies are.

She is not in any real recovery at all as long as she stays in that "group"

Just like everything else in life, there are good AA meetings and there are bad ones. I've seen people dealing drugs at NA meetings.

Depending on how big your city is there are probably dozens and dozens of different groups meeting at various times around the clock. If she insist on staying at that one, imho, she is not really trying to recover her marriage or her sobriety.

She was the one who told me.