I am probably not going to make much sense here.

I've just realized after reading His Needs Her Needs, that I am the unaffectionate spouse...my husband does almost everything that is listed in the book....from the good morning kiss to the phone call to the goodnight kiss. I am the person that is nonresponsive to him.

I can't make myself.....It's almost like I am numb, I can take it or leave it and when it comes to love making, I can leave it, it seems pointless, I don't feel like it or I just do not want to put forth the effort. I am just not interested in making love to my husband. I do not even know if I am attracted to my husband. I am just here. He is very frustrated and wants to know why. I have told him that I don't even think I like sex, he disagrees. One night while in bed, he reached over to rub me and I instantly said no, leave me alone....that did not happen. He insisted and insisted and he got his way. I was just like going thru the motions just wanting him to stop or hurry up. When it was over I felt violated. I told him about how I felt and it was like it was no big deal to him. I hate being grabbed and gropped.

My husband owns his own business and I am self employeed as well, there is always financial stress between both businesses. My income is more most of the time where his is almost seasonal, therefore when it comes time to pay bills or buy baseball equipment, I am the one that is "stealing from Peter to pay Paul", when it comes to the housework, I have gotten to the point where I have hired someone to come in and clean the house for me to try and eliminate some stress. Am I just so overwhelmed that I am losing interest? Am I depressed? Do I need to give up my business? What is causing me to be withdrawn? I just do not know what to do.

I am not sure what to say to you at this point. You did not say if you had always been this way or give much insite as to why you feel this way.Please add a little more information.

My advice is to read all you can here. Read about love busters and then print off the questionnaires for that for both the husband and the wife. Fill yours out. Ask him to fill his out. Work on eliminating them, both of you, from the marriage.

This is going to be your first step.

Read about spending more time together (up to 15 hours a week or 2+ hours a day - this will help with the withdrawal you're experiencing.) Make it quality time - no television. Talking, playing board games, cooking, whatever. If you have trouble finding enjoyable things to do together, print off the recreational inventory list to give you a few ideas.

After you're doing good with both those things, print off the emotional need questionnaires. Fill them out, and exchange them. Work on fulfilling each others' needs and make this part of your marriage lifestyle.

There are other things here to read about and implement into your marriage, but I recommend starting with those three things. Welcome to MB! It's a good place to research and find way to strengthen your marriage.

Just wanted to add 1 more thing. If you haven't done this already, make an appointment with your OB/GYN and regular doctor to talk about hormones and get a complete physical, including a complete blood count. Ask them also to check your thyroid levels.

Personally, it sounds to me like you're depressed and that, perhaps (perHAPS) one of your emotional needs is financial support, which is not being met in such a way that you can relax about money issues.

Im not sure why I feel this way, I have been through the possibility of thinking maybe I resent my husband for some of the things that he does or doesn't do. I have always been able to withdraw from something that is a possible threat. Defense mechanism. But why would my husband be a threat?? We have had issues with him and alcohol, I do not know if some of what he has done to me in the past with his alcoholism is moving forward subconciously(sp). I think that is a large possibility. I have alway considered my husband as the co dependant one. He depends on me for almost everything. He doesn't or won't make decisions or put forth the effort to make decisions unless he has "approval" sometimes I feel like I'm mothering to him and that is something I detest.

There have been times when he and I have talked about some of this and it is almost like he blames me for his attitude. Like he is the one walking on egg shells around me. Now he just wants to fix it. he doesn't know how to take constructive critism. The one thing that I do know for a fact is that he is my best friend, always has been and we both want our marriage to work we just don't know how.

davisbr5,

You still did not provide enough info. Here are some things that may help solicit good advice:

What are your approx. age groups?
Is this NEW or was it like this from marriage day 1?
How long have you been married?
Were you ever interested in sex (with H or other b4 marriage)?
Is there something in your past that may account for this (molested or abused as a child, rape, etc.)


I find it very strange that you would label the advances of your H as groping or feeling violated. Not normal. Of course if you used to be fine in this area early in marriage and then became this way you may have a point about your H causing resentment. If you have always been this way before your H could develop resentment in you, then I would lean toward an abnormality in you.

You sound a little like my W did during her A. I'm not accusing you, just stating fact. She complained about me asking her approval about decisions. The problem was that I could never make the right decision. Her father was the same way. He may want something, but the second someone got it for him, he hated it and thought it was terrible. It was the same way about ideas. She is a totally different person when she is her "good self". Work on the EN and LB and keep the Love Tank full. I think that will take care of a lot. Allow your husband access to your Love Tank. My W complained that I groped her or that she didn't want sex sometimes, when she never did that before. She was a different person, but it happened so gradually that it was very difficult to see until things came to a head. Again, she is back to normal now. You can't allow anything to block your H's ability to keep your tank full. She had issues with her father's death that she never resolved. She denied that for a long time, and ended up in an A. She didn't want to hurt the way she did when her father died again, so she distanced herself from the kids and I. I'm not saying I wasn't a part of the problem, but that she intentionally created distance between us and that no matter how hard I worked at meeting her needs, it counted for nothing. Take a good objective look at when you started feeling this way, what thoughts you dwell on, or if you are just hiding your feelings from yourself. Really examine yourself and ask yourself hard questions. Then consider your husband and what has changed about him since you started feeling this way. If there isn't something specific with him, try to get the negative thoughts about him out of your head, and don't dwell on them. We'll help you, but try to get some more information for now.

Allowing and blocking my husband access to my love tank is where alot of my problem is. How did your wife finally resolve her issues with her father? We believe alot of my issues stem from my father and the abuse I had as a child which is what is causing me not to see the affection and thinking that his "affection" is sexually based.(causing withdrawls from my LB) I can tell that I have withdrawn, or as my husband states "shut down" We have identified some specifics to some of our problems but now that we have acknowledged & identified
them, how do we resolve them?

I have always hated the feeling of a man disrespecting me as a women or groping/grabbing me. I have made statements to my husband that he treats me like an object and I am unappreciated but he in turn expects/wants me to be responsive to him and his EN.

We are reading Love Busters now and we are trying to put in place some of the negotiation tactics. I know we are on the right track and I feel good about some of the things we have accomplished

Have you taken the emotional need questionaire? What are your top needs? Is there something you wouldn't mind your husband doing? For example, if your top need is Domestic Support, could your husband take care of paying the house keeper? Could he make a list of chores to be done and divide them up?

I think you have to talk to him and tell him that women typically need to feel loved to want to be intimate. Men typically want to be intimate to feel loved. Say that at this point he is Disrespecting you so much by groping, it is taking so much out of your Love Bank that anything else he does will not make any progress to filling it up. On the other hand, is there anything that you would be willing to do towards SF for him?

Great! Tell your husband that your goal is for both of you to feel in love. That you are confident if you both work on the other's needs then you will both want to continue fufilling those needs and both of you will be happy.

I am so sorry you experienced that abuse as a child. It explains a lot to me. The groping and grabbing can be an expression of sexual playfulness which does not mean your H views you as an object. Playfulness is good and healthy in SF. One thing you should know about some men (including myself) is that we do not always know how to go about initiating SF. I personally hate to clinically ask my W if she wants to. Talk about an object - that is like putting it on the calendar (though that may be necessary sometimes). Then if the man starts kissing the wife to attempt to initiate, some women just want affection such as kissing without it always leading to SF. So sometimes rubbing or touching private areas is the only way to send the message what you want without the other options. I guess the question you should ask is "are you putting your H in a position where he can't win regarding this?" It is very tough to try to initiate and be rejected.

If his groping and grabbing are quick and rough, maybe you should tell him it would be better to be gentle and move slowly toward the area he is touching now. That way it is more affectionate and gives you some time to prepare yourself and think how you are going to react.

Also, sorry I used the term "not normal". I was in a hurry. Reading back, that was not very sensitive of me.

You also might ask yourself that if the intiation was not groping, would you be more amenable to SF even if you were not particularly in the mood?

For example, could you tell your DH that the next time he wants to get friskly could he try starting with a backrub for you first?

I completly understand this comment. I witheld from my husband for a very long time for fear of what he would do with my heart. I withheld sex from him because I knew it was the last and only thing that I could keep control over. I now know my fear of being valnurable to him was actually uh, (excuse the term, don't know how else to say it) bass akwards.

I thought if I gave him ALL of me then he would hurt me sooner of later. I never trusted that this man, my rock as my husband would be the only one to not throw my hert away. It is a tough fear to over come. But it is possible.

((HUGS)) cause I have been in those very shoes..

If you were abused as a child, you really really really need to be going to therapy to work on that. I guarantee that it is coloring everything you do, whether you think it is or not. Especially the SF. Your H doesn't sound abusive or cold or manipulative or selfish; you do sound reactionary, however, which is a big sign of the abuse rearing its ugly head. Are you looking into it? Have you confronted your father about it? What have you done?

You just gave me chills, my husband has said that very thing.

He has begged me to open up and give him ALL of of me, which as we both know would mean breaking down/knocking down those barriers, showing my vulnerability. This is really something that I want to do for US but I do not know how. There is "something" stopping me. No matter how much he tries to reassure me that he will not hurt me, that he is there for me, I just CAN NOT let go.


What did you and your husband do? Where does it begin?

That's why you need to be in therapy, to get over what was done to you as a child. You'll never allow yourself to be vulnerable without it.

ok, opening myself up to be smacked down here, but one thing I would suggest is that before an SF session drink 1-2 glasses of wine. You can look up my post on alcohol in recovery (in the infidelity-recovery section). There were issues with my FWS that the wine helped break down the barriers. With time it can then be done without the wine.

If you have issues with alcohol, then my apologies. If not, at least try it.

Yes, I am looking into this, and I am very reactionary!

I had therapy as a teenager, but the abuse wasn't the primary focus. Of course as an abused child I went through the rebellion, drugs, alcohol. It wasn't until adulthood that I really started looking into the "what's wrong with me" self help books, church groups etc. but again the abuse was never the primary focus. I am beginning the see that it is the underlying reasons for my behavior, depression etc.

My mother confronted my father many yrs ago and of course he denied it. They have been divorced for over 20 yrs so I have not had to deal with him or had much to do with him. I suppose I thought out of sight out of mind and I see now I have buried it. It has affected me my entire life and it wasn't until recently that I realized just how much.

Well, you've made the first positive step, then. As long as you're willing to be vulnerable - to yourself and your therapist - you can make great strides. You'll have to go through the Stages of Grief (as in Kubler Ross' Death and Dying) over what happened to you. Do you know about that? A good therapist can get you through it.

I'm reading a really good book now called Emotional Alchemy, which teaches you how to step outside your body and your reactionism, and observe your reactions, learn from them, and then change them. So that they don't control you any more; you control them, you rise above them. Great book. And it talks all about the FOO stuff, how you can't help learning coping strategies and being reactionary and taking it into adulthood - but you can change it from here on out.

That seems to be the only time when I will "let go" a little and relax.

I've recently been through a session referred to as "Incorporation Therapy". Specifically designed to deal with abuse. It may be something you find helpful.

Please don't let a belief like "it wasn't that bad" stop you from looking into it. I was shocked at how much pain I was holding in and ignoring. All related to events in my life, but didn't think they were very relevant today. I got real good at putting up walls to protect myself from today's events that might ignite the previous pain.

I haven't found words to describe what it does that do it justice.

Going through the session was the most emotionally intense experience I can remember. Working through past events that shaped my life from that point forward.

After dealing with some of those events, I could tell something was different. Now, I would describe it as a subtle, yet life altering shift in perception. Feelings that were "frozen" are thawing. Things I reacted to no longer generate the reactive fear. "Buttons" weren't moved, they're no longer there.

Life is now an incredible adventure.

I believe I have another session or 2 to go. Some events are much more hidden to ourselves than others. Removing the constant reactiveness in the first session has provided a contrast that makes it much easier for me to discern discomfort from remaining reactive fear.

It's a wonderful feeling, getting to know your "self".

To me the initiation was groping. I feel that SF should be comfortable and if I am not in the mood then I am almost impossible.

I feel terrible for my husband because I can only imagine how it feels when I reject him. We have talked about different methods of initiation (including the back rub)

We dread going to bed at night.