Hi all, I've been lurking on these boards for about three years now and today needed some support so thought I'd register. Here's my story:
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, and we have two children, ages 14 and 15. (Eighteen months apart; they're both ours.) In 1996, he had an affair with a woman he worked with. It was short-lived. His guilty conscience got the best of him and he confessed... little by little. First they were just friends, but that he was hiding their relationship from me, then he told me he was in love with her, then he admitted to the physical aspect of it literally a year later. (Although even then he claimed they only "made out" and didn't have sex. I'm not sure I believe that.) Anyhow, the trust took a beating. For years afterward we struggled with that issue. We finally seemed to get it right when I suspected him of having another affair about three years ago, and found out without a shadow of a doubt that I was wrong. (Long story.) It gave me a wake-up call that I had been treating him very poorly and I was determined to make things right between us.
Well, it worked. I began practicing "filling up his love bank" daily, and things became better than ever. We did very, very well for about a year and then for some reason I started to have trust issues again. He knew it and the marriage began to get rocky again.
He recently hired a new woman who is newly divorced. In the past, he has dabbled in buying homes and renting them out, but has only one right now and had gotten out of that business years ago. She told him she had heard he did that, and she needs a cheaper house. She told him she found one for sale that she likes, and where it is located. Within a month, he went to the bank and opened a line of credit and has proclaimed he wants to get back into the business, and of course, that's the first house he's going to ask about (he admitted this.) I told him he shouldn't buy it just because an employee wants him to... he hit the ceiling, and suggested that I was accusing him of something.
That happened about two weeks ago. Yesterday, we were having dinner and he said that she told him at work that her daughter and our son (they go to school together) were working on a project at school together. I remarked, "I told you that last week. I guess you weren't listening." Once again, he became angry and said, "Why do you always act like that when I bring her up?" I was flabbergasted... I hadn't been upset at all. He became so angry that he left the restaurant and actually walked home. Of course, later on we argued and he was very verbally abusive... calling me names that I won't repeat and ranting loudly until he finally just picked up his keys and left. That was around 10pm. He didn't come back all night.
He emailed me from the office last night and said that he knows I don't trust him, fears that I never will, and he can't take it anymore. He came home this morning, took a shower, packed a suitcase, and left. We exchanged "Hi," but other than that we didn't speak.
I'm very scared now. My pride won't let me call him, besides the fact that I keep thinking maybe he needs his space for awhile, and I should respect that. My mind is racing right now, and I seriously doubt if he'll come home tonight. Needless to say, the longer he stays gone, the more I'll wonder where he is staying.
Any suggestions/thoughts would be appreciated. I could tell when he came home to pack this morning he was still furious, so he hasn't cooled off yet. Another reason a phone call most likely wouldn't be a good idea right now.
Feel like I'm losing my mind.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Please stick to your boundaries. A man who has previously cheated should take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair in the future.

Buy and renting a home to a divorced female employees is NOT taking extraordinary precautions. It is also a bad financial move, a bad employee relations move, and bad for a marriage.

What did the two of you do toward recovery from his first affair?

I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I am sure some of the Vets will come along to help.

I would like to offer some advice on the financial end of things. Let's just for the sake of argument change it to a male EMPLOYEE. Is he out of his (bleeping) mind?!?!?!?!?

What is the plan?
Is DH planning on buying the house, fixing it up and selling it to him? What happens if he buys it, fixes it up and he changes his mind or doesn't qualify for a loan?

Is DH planning on renting it to him? What if he stops paying rent and you are forced to evict him. Yea, that will make for a comfortable work environment.

Or WORSE co-signing on a loan? What if he doesn't pay his mortgage, YOU are responsible for the payments.

It's YOUR finances too and you need to be in agreement on what is done with the family money.

IMO I think you should try and talk when you both are calm. Admit that his relationship with her makes you uncomfortable. Then tell him while that has something to do with your concern about the financial dealings with her your bigger concerns are (listed above!)

Suamico, he was planning on buying the house and renting it to her. I'm not sure, to be honest, if he'd do the same thing for a male employee, as he has drastic approval addiction. So he very well might. I think what upsets/worries me the most is the fact that he becomes so defensive of her so easily.
Believer, we really didn't do much to recover from that A. We did see a marraige counselor, but neither of us liked him or thought he did us any good. We just struggled through it. Years later, we decided to go again and saw a man we both thought was wonderful, but he has since moved to another state.
I have still heard nothing from him today, and my stomach's been in such a knot I haven't been able to eat. It doesn't help that my mother acts like she's so mad that she'll be mad if I even let him back in the house. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How does one handle that?

Does he have a history of making rash financial decisions like this? This woman sounds like a real piece of work. She actually expects your husband to buy a house SHE wants to rent so the rent is cheaper. Is she going to TELL your husband what the rent is going to be?

I can understand why you are so threatened by her. He is meeting her EN at the expense of yours. Right now it may be all about his need to be liked but isn't that what got him into trouble the last time? BIG red flag.

How long has he known her? Is he her boss? Do you know a person there that would be able to tell you if they feel something isn't right?

As for your mom, tell her you appreciate her support and ask her to refrain from doing or saying anything right now. This all happened last night. I know it seems like FOREVER but your DH needs to cool down and start thinking right. Is there anyone you could call that is close to your DH? Just call them and let them know you are worried about him and want to make sure he is alright.

Hi Tammy

I see red flags all over the place.


This is a classic overreaction. Something he could take and play up so that he could "be furious" and have an excuse to leave. It helps him with justifying what's going on in his mind...whatever that is. And it gives him "alone" time. It doesn't sound good.

Do you know any places that he could be? Most people don't just get up and not come home without some kind of plan, some place to go.

Tammy, I think you need to snoop. You need to find out what's really going on here. It sounds familiar to me.

Have you checked cell records, phone bills, emails?

My advice is to find out if there is an A going on. Then you can go from there. Your trust issues that waver at times are actually your gut telling you things. Listen.

Let's find out.

Hi again all,
Suamico, he is indeed her boss, and she just hired on about two months ago! So if something is going on, it went down super fast.
Michele, as for the snooping... I hate to say this, but I totally agree with you. lol Problem is, his email is outlook, which he only uses on his laptop which is with him. His company phone bills are sent to the office, so I can't look at them. I have checked his cell record, and there doesn't seem to be anything amiss. However, he knows I can check that and may be just "being careful" with his cell. So catching him doing something may be hard.
I did find out where this woman lives, and if he doesn't come home again tonight, I will be driving by her house. If he's not there, I'll probably check out the local hotels. I'm kind of at a loss where to go from there.
He has not contacted me all day. He did call our son on his cell to tell him he's picking him up later to take him Mother's Day shopping. I'm sure he'll just pull in the driveway and not come in, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that that will be excruciating for me... I'll feel rejected and all.

Make sure you protect yourself financially on this one. You said he got a loan, are you on the loan?


Did you drive by her house last night?
I think him taking your son out shopping for a mother’s day present a good sign.