Hello,

I need some advice regarding our rather messed up lifes. This is a very long essay so you get the whole story and maybe can give me advice and help.

Partially due to my husbands health we decided that we were going to move abroad and start a new life. The second reason was that our marriage was going nowhere, degraded to a living arrangement held together by having three kids. Both him and I just focused on them to feel any kind of love and closeness.
We sold everything we had and were supposed to move when he told me that he thought it would be good if I go alone and we take a break from each other. I was devastated and pleaded with him that we were starting a new life and I wanted to do it together with him.
I ended up going and starting the new business with my oldest daughter coming along. Trying to find a rental house and get situated, we befriended a family that owned the local campground. Their employee helped us getting electricity fixed in the rental house and we went to a fiesta together. Coming home at about 4 am in the morning, I put my daughter to bed but he stayed and we talked about different things. He ended up staying to sleep for a couple of hours while I cleaned up and we had breakfast together before he left. We saw each other at the campground and I started an EA with him unknowingly. It felt good to have someone listen to my feelings, since I felt alone and abandoned by my husband. I considered him a friend and nothing more.
Eight weeks later my husband felt he wanted to come and join my life. He came with our other two kids and it was a disaster. I was trying to run this business and he tried helping. Since he did not know much about it, he felt like I was his boss and we were constantly arguing. I showed my resentment to him for leaving me alone for all that time and he kept on breaking up with me, making me feel even lonelier and closing off more and more. He noticed the friendship with the employee and asked me to stop it. I gradually talked less and less to him, eventually ignoring him all together, to show my H that I was trying to work with him on our issues.
After 6 weeks he decided to go back with the kids, to get them away from the stress and deal with some paperwork. I asked him not to leave me again alone with this business but he left anyway, taking all the kids. We had a nasty two weeks of email exchanges with lots of hateful comments from his side. I thought it was all over but we managed to get through the hate and start talking like normal people again. I was very stressed running this business alone and started talking to the employee again when he offered us his car for sale. I told my husband about that and he said to try out the car and buy it if it is any good. My husband and kids were supposed to come back after three weeks, but due to the stressful environment for the kids once they were back with me he postponed the flights by another three weeks. I was totally shocked and hurt. That evening the employee called me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him and then it happened: we had sex. The next day I went over again. Later that week I told him that I owe my family to give it one more try.
After my husband and kids returned we had a great two days, before he found out and I admitted to the affair. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I want to try our family and break off any contact with the employee. We had a fantastic 3 months and renewed our vows. Our relationship was never better but then it all changed. Since he had beaten up the employee right after he found out and the employee had pressed charges, we were awaiting the trial in March. The guy did not show to my relief and my H was cleared of all charges. I was relieved but my husbands anger turned now towards me. He started having nightmares about my affair and showed his hate and resentment to me. Since then our relationship is going down fast. All our previous issues from our 15 years of M are coming up again, this time spiced up with the constant remark of me being the one responsible for all of our problems: the move and the affair. He wants explanations from me and everything I tell him is taken as an excuse. He tells me I am not accepting the blame, but I told him repeatedly that I am at fault. But I also mentioned that if we had had a better relationship to begin with, I would not have been vulnerable enough to let the affair happen. I am longing for a person comforting me, holding me when I am down or overwhelmed. Instead I am being criticized for everything I do. My H retreated to taking are of the kids and some farm work, but I have to run the business (office and clients and rides) and the majority of the household (laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning) all by myself. Then he complains that I don't spend time with the kids. I have no personal time for myself and am completely overwhelmed. On top of that I get blamed for everything that goes wrong with the business or the new life.

I want our M to work like it did for the 3 months after the affair, but I cannot handle the constant criticism I get for everything I do. I need support for who and what I am, with all my faults and imperfections. I am far from perfect and am trying hard not to close up but rekindle any possible spark left in our relationship. But I am tired and worn out. I wish I could just vanish into nothing, and if it weren't for the kids, I would be tempted doing something to end it all.
I cannot go back to another 15 years of listening to me being so imperfect and useless as a mother and wife.
Yes I cheated and am very sorry for that mistake. I want to be forgiven and work on our marriage. But it will kill me inside to be blamed over and over again for what I did. I stood by my H for 15 years, he was very sick during that time and left me numerous times alone in situations where I needed support, but I stood by him. I was treated unfairly quite often, but accepted it. I did one thing terribly wrong: the Affair, and in the beginning I accepted being treated unfairly by my H due to my guilt. But i don't think I want to spend the rest of my life like that.
Please give me advice for my totally messed up life!

I am a BS...I don't know that the three months after the A were "real" in the sense that you had worked through anything. Maybe it was the calm before the storm, but it is not possible to recover from an A in three months.

You and your H need to decide if you are BOTH willing to work on it. And honestly, it is HIS decision at this point. The only thing that you can do is read everything you can here and try to get him to read it too. Then follow it.

You made the choice to ruin your relationship with an A. Your H has a right to decide if he is willing to work past that or not. That is not to say that he has a right to be abusive to you. You can certainly decide to leave. But remember, he is in a club that he didn't ask to join. He is going through EXTREME emotions and there isn't much you can do but follow the four rules of protection that Dr. Harley writes about and try to show your H that you are worth a second chance.

Is your husband kodawolf?

Your story seems more complete than his.

His seems to have alot of omission.

I find that dishonest on his part.

yes he is.

You know..I will probably get a swift 2X4 for what I am about to post..but I feel like it's something I need to put out there.

You screwed up...absolutely you did.

My H did the same thing...he screwed up.

You have to own what you did..just like my H had to own what HE did...

However... in time... I UNDERSTOOD...how my H got to the point that he chose to have the A.

I'm not responsible for his choice...it was a really bad choice...and he took the cowards way out..by choosing to have his needs met elsewhere... but I have to own what I did to bring our marriage to that place.

You and H are both trying to graduate from a class you never attended. You didn't recover ..during those 3 months..you shoved that thing out of sight...tried to put it behind you...and forget about it.

How'd that work for ya??

Not so good huh?

Get to reading here....BOTH OF YOU.

NOT the forum... the home page...the concepts behind marriage building. Look at all the folks that have come before you...and all the folks that will come after you with the same questions.

This absolutely can work...but only if your both willing to lay blame aside..and start getting to work...this is hard work...but you may come out the other side...better than you went in. It's worth a shot isn't it?

Thanks, we have been reading a lot and are trying to apply it to our situation. I am trying to fill out the EN questionaire so we can start fulfilling each others needs.

I'm glad you're reading the articles. Start with the LB questionanaire,beaware of those, start eliminating them, then fill the EN's.

Best of luck to you and Koda!

I have to agree with hicktownmommy and betrydinjersey, YOU SCREWED UP and the emotions your husband is feeling is basically a living hell that you helped create. Another sad thing is the kids, I dont know how much they know or are subjected to but it cant be good for them.
You have to do some reading here, get your husband to do the same. It might not be easy, he is probably feeling a lot of pain, probably has a lot of questions, resentment, anger etc.
Dont know what else to tell you girl, hopefullly it isnt too late to save your marriage.
Good luck and dont make the same mistake twice if you are able to save your marriage