Oh man is the rollercoaster taking me for a loop today! Each time I snoop I get hurt more and more. Something good happens and I go up, and then I snoop and find something (that may or may not have significance) and I crash and burn. I'd post more details, but I'm not sure who else might be snooping and I don't want to tip my cards. At this point, I really want to stop, because 1)it hurts more each time and 2) I have to admit I feel guilty - guilt doesn't outweigh the hurt though. I just can't resist the opportunity though. I just found something that hit me like a train...really want to go cry somewhere. Feeling really low again.

I am sorry u r having a bad day. My d-day was 03/07/08 (he moved out that night) and I am just now thinking that I am about over the snooping. I almost don't give a [censored] anymore. As soon as my legal stuff is in order, I am going COMPLETELY dark. My NC now is only interrupted by short texts regarding finances but I want to never have to talk to him again. Well, unless a miracle happens with him which I do not expect. I would snoop as long as it may be beneficial to a D, God forbid it comes to that. But if it is going to jeopardize your health then don't. However, if you be strong and continue, then by all means get all the evidence you can. It may come in handy later.

2Lives, the purpose of snooping when one spouse is in an affair is to gather evidence with which to RUIN the affair. The intel should be used as part of an action plan to ruin the affair. If you don't have a PLAN and are not using this information for any good purpose, then I guess it would be destructive if she is having an affair.

Outside of an affair scenario, occasional snooping is a good thing in order to keep each other honest. Dr. Harley is all in favor of snooping!


Feel "guilty" about what? Snooping? That is inappropriate guilt, 2lives. Snooping is a virtue, not something that should warrants guilt.

Is your wife in an affair? Can you give me a thumbnail sketch?

2lives- sorry you're having a bad day-- and sorry to say I've been there, and some days are worse than others. it's been 2.5 years, and i still catch myself snooping-- almost to the point of obsession, and then i stop- collect my self- and find something more constructive to do with my time.

the hardest thing in the beginning was letting go of the notion that you two are "one", and not letting what she does/ doesn't do define who you are. You are once again an individual navigating the planet with a whole new knowledge base and view of people.

That's really hard to cope with, as a matter of fact my MC tells us it's like grieving a death- it takes time. But, the imortant thing is to find yourself, and find something to turn to (the gym, reading, cooking, whatever...) when you discover yourself getting obsessive or "self-destructive" with the snooping. If you are sensing it's impacting your mental health, take a break from snooping and turn your brain to something completely unrelated to WS. Good luck.

If you already know the A is ongoing, then the details can be destructive if you are in plan A. Knowing details can prevent you from running a good plan A.

However, if you need details to protect yourself (the two of them are planning on running off and taking the kids, and all your money) then snooping can be valuable even when it hurts.

You have to weight the pros and cons and decide if it is helping or hurting your efforts.

What do you think?

SS

2
Sounds like you're having a tough day. I'm sorry.

Finding out details about our WSs can be excruciating. The only good thing about it is that we are finding out THE TRUTH. And we all know that hurts. I doubt you'd rather live life being clueless of your wife's doings. Then YOU'D be living in a fantasy.

If she won't divulge everything herself then you are entitled to find out information that affects your life and your family's life. That way you can protect what and who you need to.

Protecting your family is part of your job. See it for what it is. Do what you have to. There should be no reason for guilt.

Really sorry this is sooo tough.

What else is going on? Anything new?

2lives,
I suspect that prior to DDay you never even once thought about or felt the need to snoop on your W's activities.

Discovery of an A, something you were convinced,could surely not even remotely see as possible, has destroyed your faith in your W and most importantly, your trust, which was given so freely and without reservation.

Now you have been made aware that this "free gift" you gave to your W has been the very tool to decieve and harm you and your M.
So no, there is no trust given to one who has demonstrated that she is not trustworthy. This is normal and rational thinking.

Your guilt is because you cannot immediately turn back the hands of time and completely trust her again. This is a very false notion on your part. Your W has demonstrated her untrustfulness, and now it hurts to have to check up on her, to satify yourself that you are once again not being cuchold.

This is not your falut, she brought this to your M. Your at about six weeks, I'm going on six years, and I still check up. for me it's a permanent affliction( sigh).

Don't beat yourself up for following a very natural instinct to FINALLY be informed of what is going on. You deserve the truth, even if it is not forth coming from your WW.

It hurts to have to feel this way, but it will be the consequence of your WW's sin, not yours.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Sorry for the long wait to post again - I ended up leaving work and I have a 90 minute commute to go get DD. I spent some of it crying, some of it trying to refocus on dealing with our anniversary this weekend, and some of it trying to come up with some way to deal with this current relationship W is having with a former lover via email. None of it has been over the line, but desperately close, and either way - I'm uncomfortable with it. I wouldn't have been before the EA with the mechanic.

I'm OK...I think. I am really, really sad right now, but I'm hopeful that some quality time with DD will change that. W just called this minute to say she's leaving work now, which means that (once again) DD and I are on our own for dinner. I'm going to make it a fun one and focus on DD.

Thanks for the advice to all...I think I need to give snooping a rest for a while - it's just too painful and it really throws a monkey wrench in my Plan A. I can't change anything that's going on unless I have an effective Plan A, so quitting is in my interest, I think. It's just tough to resist the temptation to find out what's going on. Each time I snoop I hope I'll find some evidence that she's come to her senses and each time I'm disappointed. It's time to give it a rest.

22,

WHY ON EARTH DO YOU FEEL GUILTY SNOOPING???

You have every right to snoop if your spouse has given you cause not to trust him/her.

Does a detective feel guilty investigating a crime? Looking for clues, interviewing witnesses, gathering evidence?? YOUR SPOUSE COMMITTED A CRIME!!

Your spouse gives up any privacy rights, when he/she abuses that privacy to commit adultery...PLAN AND SIMPLE!

Plus your WS, if totally remorseful, should ENCOURAGE and welcome your snooping!! And if he/she does not, THEN SNOOP EVEN MORE, because something must still be going on.

I really do not understand the mindset of feeling guilty snooping. It seems so milktoast and doormatty.

IMHO

kirk

22,

Just read your last post.

I am not calling you milktoast and doormatty.

I understand the resulting pain. oh boy do I.

You are plan Aing and need to be upbeat and the best you can be.

BUT, how long are you willing to do the plan A? while the sitch with her and others continues.

You should establish a drop dead date for the plan A. THEN DO SOME MORE SNOOPING to figure out your next move. As in a move from plan A to somewhere else.

Stay strong!

kirk

Kirk, I think folks are generally brainwashed into thinking snooping is a bad thing by our culture. They just adopt that irrational view without really thinking it through. I know I did at one time. WE have been taught that people have a "right to privacy" and have somehow extrapolated that to mean a "right to secrecy" in marriage.

Eventually we figure out, hopefully, that a married person does not have a right to secrecy and NO ONE has the "right" to the "privacy" to destroy another person behind his back.

AMEN SISTER!!

When the feds want to investigate organized crime, they often send someone undercover to infiltrate the group they are trying to gather evidence on. They will use wire-taps, email taps, intercept mail, gather intel by any means possible including turning trusted advisers of the bad guys etc. When they do this kind of activity, they are protecting the public from the crimes that are being committed by these folks by attempting to get enough evidence to convict them and get them off the streets. Whether or not the organization survives and continues without the head guys in place can be debated, but without the "snooping" there is little chance of convicting these folks as they cover their tracks quite well.

No one covers their tracks better than a wayward spouse. They lie, concoct stories to account for time they have been boinking the affair partner and generally hide a complete life their spouse knows nothing about. It is often only possible by snooping to discover the real problem your marriage is facing, that is, an affair. While the day-to-day stress mounts as you are told "ILYBINILWY", "I'm not happy being married to you," "I was never happy with you," and all the rest of the things a BS hears that cause them to try to jump through hoops to make the WS "happy" and give them nothing to complain about by totally remaking themselves in an effort to save the failing marriage, knowing that THE PROBLEM is an affair can suddenly and completely give you what you need to fight the real foe instead of the one you can't identify or even see.

In the case of snooping on a WS who claims to have ended an affair, it is needed only to establish trust. Trust is earned, not God given right. By proving through snooping that nothing is going on, your trust begins to be rebuilt and eventually you snoop less and then eventually not at all. But until you know that NC is real and nothing is going on, snooping can at least give you peace of mind that you aren't being jerked around any longer.

During the early stages of Plan A, it is often necessary to snoop simply to find out who, what, where and how the affair is being carried out in order to expose to the proper people or know how to put the brakes on the affair. If you don't know that the Tuesday night "Girls Knitting Club" is really a drunken orgy with OM, you are likely to do things that enable the drunken orgy to go on. Once you know that is what "Girls night out" is all about, you don't have to watch the kids until 3 am waiting for her to get done boinking in the back seat of a Dodge Durango. You then know the truth, and the truth sets you free...Free to make plans that prevent her from having every Tuesday night to meet OM.

Snooping gives you the real truth, because you see it for yourself. The WS has lied to you all along about the affair. If he/she has nothing to hide, snooping only proves there is nothing to hide and it gives you peace. If what you find causes you more pain and when confronted causes the WS shame and guilt and creates a conflict surrounding the affair, then it is good for the marriage because it causes grief in the affair. If it causes conflict between H & W that is good for the marriage because it causes the REAL problem of the affair to be dealt with instead of the bovine excrement being spouted forth by the wayward spouse.

Show of hands here...Who of us who came here as a betrayed spouse found out about the affair because the wayward spouse came to us and said..."Oh, by the way Honey, I've been doing the guy from the health club every Tuesday night after my workout for the last 6 months..." How many former waywards went to their spouse and said, "I've been having an affair for the past year and a half and just wanted to be sure you were OK with that..." What percentage of affairs have not been busted by snooping?

Unless of course, not knowing the truth is what you prefer. At least by knowing the truth you can put a reason to the pain...

The funny thing (that's funny as in strange, not as in humorous, BTW) about affairs is that they almost never result in serious conflict until they are discovered. There is usually only a sense that something is wrong and a general awareness of a distance between husband and wife. The crap doesn't really hit the fan until the affair is discovered, and unless you look for evidence, you will never find it. Aiming at nothing guaranties you'll hit it every time.

When is snooping not warranted? When there is nothing to hide.

When is snooping counter productive? When you are paranoid and jealous over nothing and after finding nothing by snooping and having your spouse point out that every second of every day can be accounted for you still see strange men under the bed. Until then, know the truth. But if you find something and it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...I'd be willing to bet the farm it is at least some kind of water foul...

Mark

All points are well-taken about my guilt over snooping. I know I have every right to. I also know that it's necessary. That doesn't change the way society has conditioned me to feel. And I just snooped and it got 1000 times more painful - so stop worrying about my guilt. My primary concern is about how destructive it is to me.

I just caught W sending nude pictures of herself to a former lover from college. Well, actually, she hadn't sent it yet, she was editing it and I unexpectedly walked out of the bedroom. I confronted her on it - she claimed she was just "playing around with the camera" and offered to show me her email. Obviously she wouldn't have offered to show me if there was anything to see. She didn't have to - I had already read most of her email with this guy. The last one she playfully asked him if his intentions were honorable and he replied "no, my plan was to seduce you and *** you until you can't walk straight (was that in my out loud voice?)"

I haven't stopped shaking for 30 minutes. I then told her that we really needed to talk about our marriage. She said no...she wasn't going to stay up til the wee hours stressing about it.

I really think I might be done. I think this has just gone beyond what I can handle. You can call me a milksop if you want...I think at this point I really need out.

So your marriage is not worth staying up for according to your wife!!! That says it all.

Apparently not - she did at least give do me the courtesy of sleeping on the couch. As bad as it's ever gotten, that's the first time that's happened.

2Lives: You have received the best advice here, and so much support. You're gonna need it for this "battle".

I am at the crossroads myself as to whether or not to continue snooping. MC says it's destructive and I am too obsessed. H still hasn't given me alot of details and the only way to get the answers has been by going online and investigating. I still have no idea what OW looks like and that bothers me. I fear she'll show up here on my doorstep. Many of the details I discovered were heart wrenching but they had to come out in order for there to be NO MORE SECRETS. H told me he only went to OW's house for their sex and then I found a review she did for a hotel room while with my H and she wrote comments about how the room was so big there was an echo. (gross) Upon confrontation, he admitted they did go to a motel and to diners, etc. They weren't as secretive as he tried to convince me. They flaunted it!

You need to make the choice as to whether or not you want to keep searching, but I think you're in the beginning of your battle and you need to collect as much info as possible if only for confrontation. Make sure you get copies too if you need them later.