Dear H,

Where do I start...First and formost I Love You with all my heart. You know that. And at this point it doesn't seem that Anything is eve going to change that. But this life we have been living is destroying me. It is tearing down all that is good in me. I can't let that happen anymore. You have obviously made your choice. I have to accept that and let you go. It is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but it is what is best for me, and for our girls.

I am so sorry for hanging on to you for this long. I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made over the last year. And I am sorry for my part in the loss of our marriage. Those are things that I will carry with me and be sorry for, for the rest of my life.

You are a good man H and we had a good thing you and I. I'll never understand what happened between us. When we married we promised forever but I guess we both lost sight of that and that's sad.

Right now i am a mess. My health is not good and I have made some terrible mistakes that very well may have ruined the rest of my life. I really screwed up and now I need to fix it. I now need to stop chasing you and take care of me and our girls. Because you have always been my best friend, because I love you so very much, I really do need you in my corner now. I need your support. But I finally need to face reality, and the reality is that I can not trust you as long as you are still with Lynn. I would be a fool. You say that you are here for me. You say that your not conspiring with her against me, but I do I REALLY know that? I don't. And after all of the hurt, deception, lies, sneaking around, plotting, I would be stupid to trust you until you can TRULLY end things with Lynn.

So from here on out H the best thing for me is to have NO contact with you. You have NO idea how hard this is for me, but it is what I have to do for ME. I have to concentrate on my legal stuff and I need time to heal.

* If you want to see the girls, you can call D16 and work that out with them
* Please write down any checks you've wrote over the week and leave them in the door or in my car on Sundays.
* If you have any questions for me or need to get a message to me, you can leave me a voicemail or tell Nett and she will get it to me.
* Please keep me informed about any farm business, work stuff, any financial I need to know. Please be fair and not keep me in the dark about stuff and I will do the same.

If there ever comes a day, and I pray that there does, that you can get OW out of your head and your heart and you want to see if there is a chance for us, call me. We'll talk.

I love you H. I want to grow old with you. But this is what I want. You have to make your choice and I can't be a 3rd party anymore.

I hope that you will support me through this mess I am in. But I did it and it is my mess.

Good luck to you and all that you are dreaming of. Be happy and take care of yourself. You deserve nothing but the BEST.

All My Love,
Always and Forever,
ME

That's a good letter. I think I would leave this out, because it is full of DJ's -

"But I finally need to face reality, and the reality is that I can not trust you as long as you are still with Lynn. I would be a fool. You say that you are here for me. You say that your not conspiring with her against me, but I do I REALLY know that? I don't. And after all of the hurt, deception, lies, sneaking around, plotting, I would be stupid to trust you until you can TRULLY end things with Lynn."

I'm with believer on leaving that out...

more leaving out is my advice.

But first, why would you make your DD16 your intermediary? Why would you put this upon the shoulders of a child? You said earlier in your thread that she was content with having little content with her father...

and I question that.

I think she is far from content. I think being around her father hurts her terribly...doesn't mean she doesn't long for her once intact-family, miss her daily connection to her father (smooth and rough), or wonder about the rest of HER life in her relationship with him.

Double for N14...must have already had one family split apart on her for you to have adopted her into your family; now this family is split up, also.

Remains a family. Each with their own relationships to each other. You are married. You knew that when you went off on OW physically...would you consider the possibility if you regularly brought reality in this long, pain-filled last year, which is a big part of Plan A...that convincing her with your fists wouldn't have happened? They are the ones in fantasy...so you stand in reality, for your marriage...

You got great advice on your thread...were asked to pick a definite plan, explore and own it...for YOU. I didn't see you reading the books they advised, settling yourself inside healthy boundaries...or learning about boundaries, how they go around you, and you hold yourself to them.

I totally understand what you did and why you did it. I didn't see you reaching for help from others in your life. Would you now go to Al-Anon? Read Surviving An Affair (by Dr. Harley); "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder; "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend?

Only you can know and understand the choices you make/made...seems to me you spent this last year focused on the why's of WH's choices...which we can't fathom because of the fog...the self-deception...the fog...the justification.

Look to your own choices now...bring reality for yourself...your power and limits...get the support you really need...such as ask of your in-laws to not support WH's affair...ask them to stand for your marriage...ask OW's family to not support her A...if they work together at the factory (you guys have multiple jobs so I got confused), ask their supervisor the same.

We can ask...have to let go the outcomes. You really have been standing for your marriage--fighting for it--you just didn't let go of that which you cannot control (none of us can)...which tethered you to it...which often gives us that out-of-control feeling...because it wasn't within ours to begin with.

Can't be.

I wanted to ask you, also, about you not wanting to move from the farm and WH not wanting to lose the farm. That's part of meeting the EN for FS. The reality of divorce is that it splits everything...truly stops meeting ENs. Which is why Plan B requires you to setup separate accounts and everything. It really gives you the experience through no contact to protect yourself from WH's choices...and him. This part of your Plan B doesn't work...you require him to record checks and tell you about them (though not in person, which is part of Plan B); I hope your real intermediary, Nett, is a third-party, not DD16; and you rely on him acting in fairness...those things, fiscal responsibility, fairness--those aren't part of the WS fog, really.

Because they live in fantasy...justifications. Make sure you do not.

The Plan B letter also maps out a way back for your WS. Meaning, what he needs to do (if he chooses) and for how long, in order for you to choose to reconcile and recover...would take a No Contact (NC) letter, transparency, counseling, AA...and how long each of these actions need to be in place and ongoing before you reunite. Stuff like that. So you know, too. Those are boundaries...and hold yourself to the same...NC with OW (goes for both of you)...and I wonder about this, also, because of you being in a smaller town (my understanding...could be wrong), which means that NC for life would involve you guys moving away.

When you focus on your plan, you are then focusing on boundaries...what you require of yourself and others. You can't allow yourself to cross them, either.

You are not a mess. You have tumultous emotions...feels very messy. You are not one.

What may help you experience this is to know that when you first began posting, you kept asking about odds on his stuff, him returning...not focusing on your goal, your plan, your actions. Focus on them now. Stay present. What you have done is done...how you handle every moment, this moment, is not...it's yours. I would drop out all the "rest of my life" phrases...deal with your remorse as right now...for it is...you don't know what will be...which is part of the horrendous pain of this betrayal...you didn't know it was coming.

No one does.

Don't ask for him to support you when you're in Plan B. You can ask him to honor your requests and focus on going and staying dark.

Have you talked with D16 and N14 about what you did, what's going on and listened to their stuff?

You can do this. You're not alone.

LA

I'll do my edits in red.



Where do I start...First and formost I Love You with all my heart. You know that. And at this point it doesn't seem that Anything is eve r going to change that. But this life we have been living is destroying me. It is tearing down all that is good in me. I can't let that happen anymore. You have obviously made your choice. I have to accept that and let you go. It is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but it is what is best for me, and for our girls.

I am so sorry for hanging on to you for this long. I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made over the last year. And I am sorry for my part in the loss of our marriage. Those are things that I will carry with me and be sorry for, for the rest of my life.

You are a good man H and we had a good thing you and I. I'll never understand what happened between us. When we married we promised forever but I guess we both lost sight of that and that's sad.

Right now i am a mess. My health is not good and I have made some terrible mistakes that very well may have ruined the rest of my life. I really screwed up and now I need to fix it. I now need to stop chasing you and take care of me and our girls. Because you have always been my best friend, because I love you so very much, I really do need you in my corner now. I need your support. But I finally need to face reality, and the reality is that I can not trust you as long as you are still with Lynn. I would be a fool. You say that you are here for me. You say that your not conspiring with her against me, but I do I REALLY know that? I don't. And after all of the hurt, deception, lies, sneaking around, plotting, I would be stupid to trust you until you can TRULLY end things with Lynn. take all of that out -- disrespectful and angry

So from here on out H the best thing for me is to have NO contact with you. You have NO idea how hard this is for me, but it is what I have to do for ME. I have to concentrate on my legal stuff and I need time to heal.

* If you want to see the girls, you can call D16 and work that out with them
* Please write down any checks you've wrote over the week and leave them in the door or in my car on Sundays.
* If you have any questions for me or need to get a message to me, you can leave me a voicemail or tell Nett and she will get it to me.
* Please keep me informed about any farm business, work stuff, any financial I need to know. Please be fair and not keep me in the dark about stuff and I will do the same.
Choose an intermediary. That person will receive all communication from him, and forward what is relevant to you. That would include farm updates and checks or financial information. Is this Nett person able to do this?

If there ever comes a day, and I pray that there does, that you can get OW out of your head and your heart and you want to see if there is a chance for us, call me. We'll talk.
No, he does not just get to call and talk. He must meet your conditions. What are they? A no-contact letter to OW, that you see and approve? Transparency in actions, access to passwords. Accountability. Counceling? What are your conditions? When he meets those THEN he can inform the intermediary that he has met your conditions and wants to talk about recovery.

I love you H. I want to grow old with you. But this is what I want. You have to make your choice and I can't be a 3rd party anymore.

I hope that you will support me through this mess I am in. But I did it and it is my mess. don't ask for his support, even though this is scary. He is responsible too for this mess, let him feel the guilt rather than letting him off the hook by "supportin you".
Good luck to you and all that you are dreaming of. Be happy and take care of yourself. You deserve nothing but the BEST.
Bull$hit on that one. He is not "deserving" of anything. He's a jerk.

All My Love,
Always and Forever,
ME

"But I finally need to face reality, and the reality is that I can not trust you as long as you are still with Lynn. I would be a fool. You say that you are here for me. You say that your not conspiring with her against me, but I do I REALLY know that? I don't. And after all of the hurt, deception, lies, sneaking around, plotting, I would be stupid to trust you until you can TRULLY end things with Lynn."

I put this part in because like you said, I didn't want him to see me going dark as punishment. I wanted him to think I was doing what was best for me and why.

Have you seen this post by Pepperband?

Getting Ready For Plan B.

It has several examples of plan B letters. I wish I would have found it a couple of weeks ago when I was writing my plan B letter.

You can let him know that you need to protect your love for him by having no contact. He can see that contact isn't safe for your feelings.

I like Lexxy's, and LA has a good point about your daughter not being in the midst of all of this.

Did some editing, any better???


[quote] Where do I start...First and formost I Love You with all my heart. You know that. And at this point it doesn't seem that Anything is ever going to change that. But this life we have been living is destroying me. It is tearing down all that is good in me. I can't let that happen anymore. You have obviously made your choice. I have to accept that and let you go. It is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but it is what is best for me, and for our girls.

I am so sorry for hanging on to you for this long. I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made over the last year. And I am sorry for my part in the loss of our marriage. Those are things that I will carry with me and be sorry for for a long time.

You are a good man H and we had a good thing you and I. I'll never understand what happened between us. When we married we promised forever but I guess we both lost sight of that and that's sad.

Right now i am a mess. My health is not good and I have made some terrible mistakes that very well may have ruined the rest of my life. I really screwed up and now I need to fix it. I now need to stop chasing you and take care of me and our girls. Because you have always been my best friend, because I love you so very much, I really could use you in my corner now. But I finally need to face reality, and the reality is that I can not trust you as long as you are still with Lynn. It is over between us. I have to stop dwelling on what "could" be or what "might" have been. You have made your choice and it's time I got on with my life and took care of me.

So from here on out H the best thing for me is to have NO contact with you. You have NO idea how hard this is for me, but it is what I have to do for ME. I have to concentrate on my legal stuff and I need time to heal.

* If you want to see the girls, you can call D16 and work that out with them, they are old enough to decide when they want to see you.
* Please write down any checks you've wrote over the week and leave them in the door or in my car on Sundays.
* If you have any questions for me or need to get a message to me, you can leave me a voicemail or tell Nett and she will get it to me.
* Please keep me informed (through Nett) about any farm business, work stuff, any financial I need to know. Please be fair and not keep me in the dark about stuff and I will do the same.

If there ever comes a day, and I pray that there does, that you can get OW out of your head and your heart and you want to see if there is a chance for us, write Lynn a no contact letter and give me a copy. In order for us to ever have a chance again there would have to be absolutely no contact between you two ever again. I don't know how that would be possible with work but it is what would have to be. I have told you before, if it would take moving away, I would be willing to do that possibly. You would have to be willing to be completely open and honest with me. Secrets won't work. You have GOT to get some help for what keeps haunting you. I don't know what is the best way for you to do that or what would work for you but you have to find a way. I will support you 100% but you have to get rid of the crap that is destroying you. I don't want you to just one day decide you are coming home. It won't happen like that. We would have to take some time to heal and see what happens. Communication, honesty, and willingness to work on what caused this in the first place those are the keys.

I love you H. I want to grow old with you. But this is what I want. You have to make your choice and I can't be a 3rd party anymore. I am doing this No Contact to protect my love for you. If it continues as is for any longer it will be destroyed and there will never be any going back. I pray that someday soon you'll find your love for me. And if that isn't going to happen I pray that God sends me another to love and honor me as I will them. I need happiness in my life again. I deserve that. I trully believe that happiness can be found with you again, but it is your choice to want it with me.

I hope that you are going to help where you can through this legal mess I am in. But again, that is your choice. And bottom line is it is MY mess.

Good luck to you and all that you are dreaming of. Be happy and take care of yourself.

All My Love,
Always and Forever,
ME [quote]

See my rewrite below:

Where do I start...First and foremost I love you with all my heart. Our life as it is now is destroying us. It is tearing down all that is good in me and I can't let that happen anymore. You have obviously made your choice. I have to accept that and let you go. It is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but it is what is best.

I am sorry for my part in the loss of our marriage. Those are things that I will carry with me and be sorry for for a long time.

For the time being, the best thing for me is to have NO contact with you. This is something I have to do in order to begin to heal.

* If you want to see the girls, you can call D16 and work that out with them, they are old enough to decide when they want to see you.

* Please write down any checks you've written over the week and leave them in the door or in my car on Sundays.

* If you have any questions for me or need to get a message to me, you can tell Nett and she will get it to me.

* Please keep me informed (through Nett) about any farm business, work stuff, any financial information I need to know. Please be fair and not keep me in the dark about stuff and I will do the same.

If the day comes that you decide there is a chance for us, I will be here for you... but only if you are prepared to end all contact with Lynn... forever. The most important condition will be that you write her a no-contact letter and give it to me to mail.

I know our marriage can be restored. I have found a way for us to have a better, happier and healthier marriage like never before.

I love you H. I want to grow old with you. But I can't be a 3rd party in our marriage anymore. I am doing this to protect my love for you.

Good luck to you and all that you are dreaming of. Be happy and take care of yourself.

******************

A Plan B letter needs to be very short and concise. You can get into more details with him once contact is re-established.

Very nice PM. I think that is well written. It is loving yet firm. The main obstacle is stated (NC). I don't feel any "punishment" in this.


We'll be here for you. You will find some peace in Plan B. And you will get through the legal stuff. The healthier (emotionally) you are when your court case happens, the better you will be able to handle its outcome. Plan B will help you there.


(((((TOH)))))

okay dear people, the letter is almost complete...

seen my C today...

see my L next week for the charge...

my H and I have talked daily since Sunday, we are actually "communicating" for the first in over a year. What I mean by communicating is that we are actually talking about just stuff. He talks, I listen, I talk and he actually listens and responds...

But he is still talking to her, and when she gets back from her trip next week, I'm sure they'll be On again...

I am about to go through the scariest most serious thing in my life. I could go to jail, even for a long time...

Sooo...I know that MY best option right now for ME is to go NC with my H. I am afraid to death. I fear that it will send him away for good, but he is already gone, I am afraid to go through this legal thing without him, but I don't trust him anyway, I am afraid he will pop D on me now at the worst possible time, but I have no control over that, I feel we could be moving closer right now, but yet he still says he never coming home,

I am trying to get my heart and head insink. HOW??? I need your help...

Just happen to be here between cases and I saw this topic which is near and dear to my heart.I am going to wade in on Plan B letters. This is mine:

I love you. I won't share you. When you feel the same , contact me. Until then I want absolutely no contact with you.


All the rest of the emotion and the last "I need you" couched in sentence after sentence is not only counterproductive but also way over their current 6 year old mentality.

If you still need to tell 'em more than that, you should reread Plan A.

Plan B is cold, rational, emotionless and self preserving.

And it works 100% of the time. Guaranteed.

ITA!!!

Plan B letters should be short and NOT so sweet...(to mangle a phrase if I may!)