Been married for about 5 yrs and no kids and the main problem we always argue about is my husband not getting a long with my dad. Prior to marriage, I told him that my dad is a jerk and he can be cruel at times. He agreed with how my dad is and whenever he talks to my dad he gets annoyed of his behaviour. My dad sometimes challenges him and tells him he should do this or that or why don't you know this, makes him do favours for him, puts his family down, complains that he doesnt call often or doesnt call to greet the family for special holidays. Since my husband can't take my dad anymore, he just basically avoids him because he doesn't want my dad to get on his nerves and then creating a big conflict. We don't live close, we are long distance with my family. But whenever my family calls and my dad wants to talk to him I always lie to him and say he's not here. Then I start arguing with my husband for avoiding my dad and that it's been too long that he hasn't had any contact with him. My husband starts getting mad and says we shouldn't care about this situation. I told him this is not a good idea to avoid him for 2 mons now. I am just sick and tired of dealing with this nonsense. It just bothers me to see that my dad and husband are not close anymore. I hope that anyone can give me advice in this situation it would greatly appreciated. Thank you and God bless!

So is your husband not allowed to decide who he likes to talk to and who he doesn't like to talk to? Do you choose his friends for him and pick out his clothes in the morning too?

He's an adult and is allowed to not like your dad. Deal with it.

Why does your H have to like your dad? Why does he have to deal with him? Just because you want him to? I'm confused.

You wrote out a great post exampling how lack of boundaries can really hurt our marriages...thank you!

Which is your highest priority in life, Jane? Is it your marriage, then your work, friends, your FOO (family of origin)?

List your priorities and then see if this resolves your perspective for you.

You know your father can act verbally cruel. You've experienced it first hand...if you follow Harley's rule of protection, wouldn't you protect your marriage when your father does this to you or you DH?

Also, if you follow the Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH) then you really can't be lying as a form of a protection. Instead, you can say, "No, Dad" about putting your DH on the phone...and state why..."You haven't rebuilt our trust from the last time you berated, ridiculed and mocked DH (or yourself)."

Now, people will tell you what you "should" do in life...witness here on MB...advising is what we do. However, up to you to discern whether it's constructive or abusive, right?

You know it's your father's opinion..."You should be more stable, progressive, secure, adventurous, less risky"...whatever the should that sounds like a bash in your case...and you can listen and repeat..."I hear you saying that you worry about our financial security right now." Take and make it what it really his...your dad's stuff...all should's are about the person doing the shouldin'...

And if you do this and you still feel put down, stung...(or DH)...then listen and repeat with filter..."I hear you saying we're inadequate, defective financially. I'm hearing you call me stupid right now."

Takes the sting out you may experience because you're owning your own half of the perception...adding in what may not be there...which means you will also gloss over what really hurts, too...works both ways. Honesty with ownership.

Will help you in your marriage in the same exact way...so that you don't lie to DH to protect him from conflict (like an A or excessive spending, etc.)...which is deceiving...not protecting. And so he won't avoid conflict with you in the same way because it was okay to do with your father...after all, your father made you guys do this...

Healthy boundaries are the cornerstone of healthy marriages. What you do to others you'll do to yourself and to your partner. What's seen as allowed (conflict avoidance, deception including lying by omission) will be done...be careful of your marital permissions and personal ones.

I only share this because I really didn't get it...boy, did I walk in your shoes...felt valiant and long-suffering and awful and false...all at the same time. I was getting my attention EN met from both sides, being the buffer...and this wasn't a healthy way to get it...manufactured, really. Fantasy.

Didn't own my stuff for being too busy buffering others' ownership. No respect in that.

We connect through conflict as well...it's not to be avoided or down-played, suffered through or distorted (and often, we do this)...it's so we can actually be intimate with one another...read and share Harley's policies and rules for marriage...and see where you can apply them with esteem, honor and joy...so those will be prominent in your marriage.

LA

LA makes a great point. I didn't stand up to my father's wife, who was like your father. She ended up ruining everything my husband and I worked for, all because I wouldn't tell her early on to back off and leave us alone - that it was OUR marriage, not hers, and I wasn't interested in what she had to say. You can do this; it's part of growing up and starting your own new family after breaking away from the one you grew up in. Eventually your new family needs to be run based on your own ideas, not your family's.