I found out about 5 wks ago my husband was having an affair with his cousin's wife. My husband and his cousin spend a lot of time together, hunting and our sons play baseball. The relationship started about 1 yr ago when they began talking to each other about how unhappy they were in their marriages. I made the committment to try to work through this and save our marriage, my husband agreed. The main problem I'm having is that he continues to go to his cousin's house (because to stop going suddenly, would raise red flags) I even told him I couldn't make him stop going because too many people would be hurt if the news got out. I am really having a hard time dealing with the whole issue of the relationship. I saw "her" the other day and wanted to go ballistic, but refrained. I decided that if I spoke with her, that I could possibly deal with it better, to hear her say she was sorry and to ask my forgiveness. I texted her that I needed to talk w/her to get some things off my chest. Her reply was "if you need 2 get stuff off your chest,u need 2 do it with your husband. I'm not going to tell u anything u want 2 hear. I have no regrets." How am I supposed to get over that? Our families were close @ one time, now I realize she has no respect for me and no remorse at all. Please help

Christy,

Hope you're still around. This thread ("For Newly Betrayed Spouses" on JFO board)is more an informational thread. If you want advice and responses you've got to start your own thread by clicking "new topic" in the upper left hand corner.

In the meantime, HONESTY is the cure to adultery, not more secrets. Without any forewarning, you've got to expose your husbands behavior to his cousin.

Consider this...if HE found out first...would you want him keeping the secret from you.

Your husband is manipulating you. That crap about having to go over there to keep up appearance is a LIE. Expose them...only then will you have any opportunity to get them to go NO CONTACT and save your marriage.

You will rue the day you keep their secrets for them. You can't bottle this up. The hurts will only keep coming. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - "no regrets" my a$$. She's gaslighting you like it's YOUR fault she took off her panties. Adulterers are always brave when in the dark. Watch her back down from such after the truth is out in the open.

If you don't tell his cousin, your WH will continue to screw his cousin's wife. Bank on it. By the way, exposing your WH's affair will not be the cause of turmoil in the family, it will be the fact that he was screwing his cousing wife that led to the turmoil.

Since she has no regrets, I say you need to tell her husband.

You absolutely have to tell her Husband!!! And your husband absolutely must stop going over there!!!

This business about he continues going over there so no one suspects anything is wrong on both counts.

I know you don't want to, I know it will hurt a lot of ppl - but they did it. They ALREADY hurt people. Letting your H avoid the consequences of his actions is disastrous.

For an example of what happens when the wayward spouse doesn't face any consequences, click here.

I really don't feel that I am strong enough to tell the husband. I know I should, but I think about all the people that would be affected. I had a very short lived affair about 11 yrs ago. My husband suspected(knew) and asked me about it but I denied it until I found out about his affair. My contact with the other guy ended immediately and I have never missed him at all. I told my husband that I feel our affairs were very different, mine lasted 1 month, his lasted a year with much loving feelings AND sex. Whenever we are discussing his affair, it never fails, he ALWAYS turns the subject to my affair. He also continues to defend her. We were in public a few days ago and I was standing beside her husband and she came right up to him to whisper something in his ear. She and I never spoke, I just walked away. She acted as if nothing were wrong, she was just Miss Happy-Go-Lucky. She emailed my husband the next morning to apologize for walking up,"she didn't know we were there and she would have never done it, but by the time she saw us it was too late to turn back". I think that is purely a lie, especially after her text to me about "no regrets". I know now that our friendship meant nothing to her. My husband says she's trying to be tough, that while they were seeing each other, she told him how guilty she felt. Evidently, she didn't feel too guilty. She continued having sex with my husband.

Quit psyching yourself out about it and just tell OWH. It's not a strength issue. Just do it. Your WH will continue to screw around w/ OW until you do. Bank on it. If you want your WH to stop having sex with her, you need to tell OWH. Don't think about it. Go over there today, and tell him.

If you want your husband to own his affair...owning yours is part of the solution. Your affair is 11 years old. You were and are repentent (I presume)...thus, you are now a FORMER Wayward Wife. He is just using your history against you to manipulate you so he can continue with his CURRENT adulterous behavior. You have nothing to fear, you are no longer THAT person, HE IS...exposure and the truth are your weapons.

As I said before and others agreed...his cousin has the right to know the truth about his life regardless of your "feelings" and "fears". He must be told despite the fallout. Being told the truth hurts a lot less than the truth itself.

Demonstrate integrity by DOING the right thing despite the consequences.

The courage is to be found in the doing.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- DON'T give your husband any heads up on your decision to expose them lest they turn the tables on you and prempt your exposure by claiming you are crazy, jealous, delusional, etc. I hope you've got some good proof to show your husband's cousin as they will undoubtedly deny the physical affair. Don't help them deny it by forewarning them. You can not manipulate them with threats of exposure. Attempts to do so only delays the healing. The truth IS the starting point of possible recovery.