HI everyone, i've been here many times before...it is now 2.5 YEARS s/p DDay. H has put forth effort, and I am aware of my part in the break-down of our M. I know what has to be done to have a better marriage. What I can't figure out is whether I want that with him, and whether I'll ever get over my trust issue. I have read a few books about coping after an affair including Dr. Harley's. They make me feel better when I'm reading them , and I think "OK, I can do this. I'm going to put forth the effort" And then the past and all the lies come rushing back, and I decide that no, I will NEVER trust him. And how can we move on with everything else if I don't trust him? I guess the issue is mine, now. I just don't know where to go from here. On one hand, my kids adore him and he does more than his share with the kids and around the house. He is pretty easy to live with and takes good care of us. On the other hand, I don't believe a word he says, and I seriously doubt his sincerity when he says "I love You". I don't even know if I love him anymore. I keep weighing the pros and cons, and keep coming up empty. How can I seperate my kids from their dad when I'm so CONFUSED? Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for someone to bounce some thoughts off of. Any suggestions would be helpful...Thanks, all!

confusedsahmom,

I'm near my 2 year mark, and I have ZERO trust in my W. At this point, I don't even WANT to trust her.

I see trust in a whole new way now.

Sometimes you almost HAVE to trust others...when you have a surgical procedure performed, you are trusting the doctor. When you drive through an intersection, you are trusting that people on the other road aren't going to run the red light and ram into you.

Then there's the other type of trust, like one spouse might have in another.

I have come to the conclusion that the second type of trust is a liability, and maybe even foolish to have.

I would go so far as to say that your spouse, regardless of marital history or the quality of your marriage today, should automatically receive less trust than a complete stranger. This is because it is likely that ONLY your spouse is capable of gut-wrenching betrayal. If a mechanic rips you off, you'll get angry, but you won't be crushed by the betrayal. If your kid lies to you about "who started it", are you going to be devastated? No.

Only your spouse can kill who you are inside with their actions. Why would you even WANT to trust them completely? If your blinders are off, you have NOTHING to gain from trusting them. Peace of mind? Once you've been betrayed, you'll never have 100% peace of mind. It's impossible. Ain't gonna happen. Even if you think you do, just wait...

Not that that's a bad thing. I think it's good to not fully trust your spouse. If we all went into marriage without trusting our spouse, there might be a little less infidelity. Even if there wasn't any less infidelity, maybe the betrayed spouses wouldn't be quite so heartbroken if they thought it would probably happen at some point, anyway. Some of the most heart-wrenching stories on here are of the BSs who were blindsided...they thought they had a near-perfect marriage, only to find out that their spouse was screwing every low-life with a pulse.

To sum it up, trust is overrated in my opiion.

What have you done to recover your marriage? What has done to ensure GOOD BOUNDARIES are in place so this does not happen again?

There is something wrong when you are this distrustful so many years out. Is he a serial cheater? How many affairs?

And I see you registered 7 years ago, what was happening then?

thanks krazy, i couldn't agree more...but maybe we're being pessimistic...i just don't know if my mis-trust is becoming my own issue or if my instincts are right and he shouldn't be trussted. I want to be someone who can be loved and be in love, and don't you have to be able to trust to do that??

ML- yes, I would call him a seriel cheater-- for the 1st 7 years it was mostly on-line, but i still consider it cheating, b/c he had to lie and cover up. as far as i know, nothing has happened over the last 2 years...we're at a standstill...he's afraid of me and always walks on egg shells, which only increases my suspicions. i'm tired of being avoided and feared. all i want is honesty....is that too much to ask????

confused - short answer...no, they are two different things.

Trust rebuilding takes a long time and it takes "earning" it. Between now and then are lots of times of "enduring," with varying degrees of "fear," as the "possibility" exists that actions could prove either trustworthy or untrustworthy.

What it takes is commitment and perseverence, over time, by the WS, to "prove" trustworthiness. That's the "price" of trashing "blind trust" that wasn't "earned."

My only, limited, thought is a marriage counseler.

An MC that could keep the conversation going on track and get you both to discuss it.

After 7 years (or more) this has probably been done before.

Is he transparent? Given you all passwords, phone records, etc?

It's tough for you if you cannot get past it. Does he know this? So that is why he treads on egg shells?

Do you (the plural you) communicate?

kirk

we've done MC, which is helpful, but as soon as the questioning gets personal, H shuts down. He talks about events in his life as early as childhood in the 3rd person, like it wasn't even him. I really don't feel like he's willing to own what he did. Or that he might have some flaws. It was a "mistake"...even though there were several mistakes spanning 7 years, so I'm not sure which "mistake" he refers to.

H has always wanted to brush everything under the rug, and is really not willing to explore real feelings, issues or emotions. He is all about appearances...reminds me of a movie I once saw about a US president and wife who live in seperate wings and come together briefly on the balcony for photo ops, then immediately seperate in disgust and head back to their quarter. That's how life has been the last 2 years. Counseling helps me, it's just a denial game for him. He works very hard to say the right thing and flash the politician smile, and everyone is satisfied. Except for me....

you might want to try Retrouvaille. it is a program to help facilitate communication thru recognition of each other's feelings. it helped us a great deal to learn to trust again.