My bad! I thought he had an affair and was still in contact with his mistress. mea culpa!

Melody - I wasn't using the letter in negotiation. I thought it would be the last thing I would write to him. I guess I didn't do a good job. I just feel so fed up and don't even know if I want to stay married to him. I put up with a lot of immaturity and lack of marriage and family commitment from him prior to the affair. I think I finally stopped crying about the situation and took a good look at the marriage. I realized that it is not what I want and over the years I have asked for him to work on it with me and he wouldn't - lack of commitment. He would have to change a lot for it to be worth it. I know most people have A because a need was not being met. I don't know what I wasn't meeting except that I tried to make him be a responsible adult and he didn't want to. He said the A just happened and he wasn't looking for it. He just connected with her on the job and got to know her. In reality he spent more time with her than his family which was his choice. I asked him not to work so much. Also he is an EMT so they spend countless hours together in an ambulance waiting for calls. I think police and fire have the same type of situation which makes a perfect setting for A. They were certainly filling each others love
banks.

Regarding plan B, should I discuss financial arrangements, visitation, time frame of seperation but that is it. Write the letter and give it as he moves out?

HB, the Plan B letter is to be the LAST DIRECT communication he has with you. Once that is delivered, you should go dark as night.

But first things first. GEt him moved out and get your finances and visitation in order. Then after about 3 weeks, give him the Plan B letter, change the locks, and go dark as night.


?? Can you explain what you mean here?

Melody- I am not saying that OWH should not have made them feel uncomfortable but he was taking things to an extreme. I talked with OWH myself and felt he was a little unstable. His anger was very volatile and he made threats. I did hear messages that OWH left on my H voicemail and I also experienced some of his irrational thinking too. I was the only sane and stable one through this whole thing. The OWH was trying to force her to stay with him through blackmail, head games, etc. I don't want to get into the details but lets just say I worked in Social Services for 14 years and I am a good judge of instability. Also , he asked me out - how much commitment did he have? He met her at work when she was married to someone else. See the pattern.OWh was once the OP too!! I think this is a stone left unturned.

Melody - Time frame of seperation just meant the date he is going to move out. This has been the issue.

I'm not sure if I am understanding you correctly. Are you saying to have him move out and then 3 weeks later give him Plan B letter? Why wait? Shouldn't we set up visitation, finances, etc. now and then have him move out with NC. Why wouldn't I give him the letter when he moves?

Well, I would only say that the actions of the OWH don't even come close to the abuse and harrassment the infidels heaped on him. He was victimized by these people after all. They deserved everything they got. When I found my H with his OW, I beat him up on the side of the road wearing a Chanel suit. Being abused like that does strange things to normally sane people. Nothing the OWH did could even compare to the cruelty they heaped on him. And he didn't volunteer to be in that position, the infidels DID.

Whatever "misery" they got, they signed on for when they decided to destroy 2 people. it is a consequence of hurting people.

I would also point out that the bulk of your info about this man came from LIARS whose classic pattern is to DEMONIZE their victims.

The purpose of the wait is 2-fold;

1. to get into the pattern of separation and get all the kinks worked out

2. to give him a few weeks to get over the novelty of his own place and start missing HOME. They start getting homesick right around then as the novelty has worn off

See, it is important to not have any contact with your H once you deliver the Plan B letter. This is why it is helpful to get everything in order, ie: finances, visitation, etc and iron out the kinks so there is very little cause for any communication. Once you go dark, all ESSENTIAL contact would be channeled through your intermediary.

I am also very concerned about something you said about teaching your H to be responsible. Have you been lovebusting him like that? Do you know the concept of lovebuster?

[quote=MelodyLane

I am also very concerned about something you said about teaching your H to be responsible. Have you been lovebusting him like that? Do you know the concept of lovebuster? [/quote]

Have I had angry outbursts or said things bluntly - Yes. I don't think anyone can say they have never done that. This did not happen most of the time. There were times I was frustrated because he was being selfish and did things to harm our family - emotinally, financially, etc. I called him on the carpet for these actions. I would explain my thoughts and how it hurt our family. I am talking about decisions that changed our lives - joining the military without discussing it first, quitting a job and taking another for less money with night hours without discussing it, secret PO Boxes so that he could order things without me seeing because he knew I would say that money was tight. He created these situations and I was left to pick up the pieces. Through the years his immaturity affected our family. I was the one to handle the finances because he wanted know part of it. I would stress over it expecially with these types of decisions he would make.

I was saying that he can't give me a reason for the A. The only thing I could think of was that he would act immature and I would wake him up to reality. He did not say this was the reason. He needs IC to get through personality issues per MC. Pastor agrees that immaturity is the biggest issue in M and believes he would have another A because it is fantasy and he had difficulty with reality and responsibility.

Well, we saw the MC this weekend. I basically stated that I was ready to seperate. MC finally held H accountable for lack of effort/actions. She advised him 6 weeks ago to get IC, journal feelings, spend more time with me, etc. He has done none of the above. She told him that there is just a little window of opportunity left and if he doesn't take it he will lose me forever. He basically said he can't give me what I want/need at this time and wishes I would give him more time. More time???? Four months of listening and watching him miss OW and no attempt on his part to even try to save the marriage. The focus has been on him and all about what he is feeling. Nothing about what I am going through or how I am feeling. I just want to slap some sense into him. I stood my ground and MC said that there was no sense in seeing her until H committed to M.

Mother's Day sucked. He worked the night before and that night. He slept most of the day. Kids and I went out to eat with other family members. He bought gifts but with very little thought. I told him a week prior that I did not want material gifts. That night we had a conversation and he said he would "try" to work on M. He said he would "try" to read SAA. He saw OW in class the next day. That night we talked some more and nothing really changed. We ended up arguing and I ended up crying again, just after I had moved on past this. I was confident in my decision on Saturday and then I let him rope me in again and my defenses were down. He is supposed to move out in a couple of weeks which seems to be too long for me. I am past plan A. I am so sick of H playing with my emotions. He has destroyed my self esteem during this whole thing. I really need to move on. I hate rollercoasters and I want off of this ride!!

Thoughts anyone?

HB:
Are we sharing the same H??

Why can't these men commit to making an effort to repair the damage they've caused? Are we supposed to do all the work?

I am in month #5, or so I thought, of recovery and my H claims he's "working on it" and trying to figure out what he wants but this whole time he was just pining away for OW and while here at home I took care of his basic needs for food and clean clothes, his mind wanders regularly to the joy of HER. Now he "admits" he's not ready to give her up (yet) and so cannot make the effort to repair our M because he doesn't know if he's making the right choice. It doesn't make any sense because he has had NC with OW since Feb. and I am positive of this!

This does eat at your self-esteem. You are shamed first by the infidelity and then the aftermath which may include std testing and noncommital to repair. You do get to that mental place where you really don't give a d*mn anymore and that's when you can stand tall and KNOW you are doing what's right for you. But until then....

the rollercoaster ride goes on.

HA

You are doing a good job. Listen to Melody - her idea is good.

And it is true, if you don't Plan B to protect your love, it does get to the place where you don't care to recover.

I do not remeber details of your case but I know this.

"He saw OW in class the next day"

Even if the PA and EA are over your WH can not go through withdrawal because he still is seeing the OW.

It is sited here why AP's can no longer work together because NC can not be started. SAme reason why when AP's are neighbors one family has to move away because just visual contact prevents withdrawal from the addiction of the OP.

Why is WH allowed to be in same class as OW?
Can anything be done to prevent it in the future?