H&P,

I am very glad that everyone here talked me into not going. They were right - it was my need to do somehting, not him wanting me there.

Funny, I had the same thoughts - me and OP both there. I've never even seen her before, so I knew that meeting her that way would not be good. I wasn't sure exactly what I would do. Or, worse yet, what she would do.

Anyway, my DD says that WH is now moving back here, so not sure what's up. I realized that the less I hear about him, the better off I am....

Chai
I was so pleased to "see" you on my thread
I posted a respone to you, but thought I better come over here with it as well:
___________________________________________
hello Chai!!!

I have been busy at work, not coming here as much these days.
but I have glanced a bit at your posts.

You have been in good hands.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Don't feel like you have to make this big final decison to move on, to release your WH, to free him. It is ok to let a little more time go by.
_________________________

Keep up the Plan B, CL. It's really all you can do.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, screen out news from Affairland, and try to enjoy the day. Take care of yourself.

Remember to breathe.

We don't know what's going to happen.

Hey SD,

Thanks for keeping up with my posts. Lots of mixed emotions over this whole thing. DD told me he decided to go back out there for treatment. Said he felt more comfortable out there. Still denies that he is with OW, but who really knows for sure. Maybe I should have done the card or flowers, but I just can't get past that feeling of begging. It seems so demeaning to me for some reason. It's not about pride, but more like preserving dignity I guess.

WofF5,

So glad to see you back at MB. Please try to get here more often. You were such a big help to me during the toughest times, and I really appreciated it.

Keep us posted on your SS's sitch...

WS's will continue to lie even when there's no reason for it. The OMW tells me POSOM still lies to her about the affair, and I'm sure the SCQ would lie to me if I gave her an opportunity. It's pretty amazing if you can get past how sick and twisted it is.

It's probably all tied up with their justification of their actions. I expect they believe their own lies, or at least some of them.

When I'm in a good place, I really pity WS's. All this pain will come home to roost sooner or later.

I don't see any problem with not sending the card. You reached out through your friend and were rebuffed. Not sending anything was the safest path.

Going forward, you probably need to decide whether the door is still open and whether it costs you anything to send him the occasional card telling him the door is still open. If it costs you anything, or certainly if you decide you're Done, then don't do it. For me, it's easier to put my own ego aside because I'm doing it for my kids.

I guess I would like to know from Jennifer what her success with this strategy is, but she's the expert.

Hi CL,


...plan B requires N/C with WS for that exact reason....to protect BS from what has become an abusive and toxic R with WS....

...but, inspite of this knowledge, BS will be TEMPTED to WANT to know about WS (if not downright attempt contact WS) and break N/C.... just as a FWS is challenged and tempted to break N/C with OP.... and in that sense.... it can similarly be considered as BS's addiction to WS....

....which is why, I suspect, a WS will refuse/deny, first, to acknowledge that an affair is damaging and toxic .... because, second, WS would be faced with the challenge of N/C with OP... which given the difficulty, they may want to avoid at all costs!

...Plan B gives BS a taste of what WS would be faced with... should they want to earn the title of FWS! ....and why M recovery after an affair is easier said than done!

...so, as you say, if you can help it, CL, the less information you know about WS, seeing that his life is not dependent on your interest in him, the better for you....

....and maybe wanting to see WS had more to do with YOU and how you see yourself....and how you might be seen....as a cold and uncaring person?

.... but at this stage of the game...staying away from someone who is uncaring towards you is...you being responsible for your own well-being....because if you don't care about that....who will? ...see what I mean?

...it's what they mean when taking a plane, in case of an emergency, to not try and help anyone else before putting on a MASK on yourself, FIRST...

...I am sure that going to visit someone you care about, trusting that they care about you and your R who would appreciate your visit would not create any 'internal conflict'
as you have just experienced in considering to visit WS...

....but 'internal conflicts' like that can be draining, wouldn't you say, CL?

(((((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))))

SD,

I've asked why he has to continue to lie about it, but I guess you are right in that maybe it is a justification action. This whole wayward mindset is a hard one to figure out I guess.

I too have pity some days, although my WS is so hostile that I don't think he'll ever have regrets or will feel bad about all of this. In fact, I've often said that I will probably never see him again unless tragedy should strike our DD, which with her lifestyle is very possible. If the A really is over, I guess that he just doesn't want to be M anymore.

Jennifer told me last time that my chances were pretty slim, so she evidently sees it too. I guess she figures that we should keep trying until WE lose interest. Not sure what the success rate is, but it would be good to know. I won't be calling her again, so if you talk to her, ask her reasoning.


Luna,

Yes, I agree that Plan B does protect us from the abuse. I think my problem is that I still accept too much blame for this whole thing. And you are exactly right, I don't want to appear as cold and uncaring because I'm not a very touchy, feely person to begin with. I don't outwardly show a lot of emotion, so I can come across as cold. I'm one of those who IS very emotional, but I don't let anyone else see it. I always go off alone when I get emotional.

I just wish the roller coaster would end. How long do you have to be in Plan B before you start to even things out?

Hi CL,


I hear yea, CL....

...I am going to tell it like I see it...and that is... the roller coaster DOESN'T ever really end... one just gets better at riding it!

...so...the good news is.....even though you have no control over it, TIME will help....but....even better news, like going to a gym, and which you totally CONTROL....is how you effectively USE the machines at the gym!

See what I mean?

(((((((((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))))))

Luna,

You are right, it doesn't end.

I need advice and someone to analyze today's events.

I had lunch with DD, who had dinner with WH last night. We ended up in a fight Here's how it went down:

She's upset about her dad. She says he is going to die. Says that he can hardly walk and she is scared. She then went into a tirade about how he says I broke HIS heart. She says he is not with OW because she asked him and he said no. She's sure because she asked him to tell the truth (he's so good at THAT). He also told her that when my friend called him he heard me in the background being a smartass (I was not, I was concerned about him). She lashed out at me because I won't talk to him etc. He told her I didn't want to see him blah blah blah.

I explained to her that I will not have anything to do with him as long as OW is in the picture. She then tells me they are just friends, that he had to go there to get some stuff back from her etc.

I wasn't going to argue with her. It just got me very upset that he is still hostile and blaming me. I know, I know, I shouldn't let it bother me. Why it does, I don't know.

Maybe it's just the Mother's Day blues or something. It's pouring rain and depressing here for one thing. I think what is bothering me is that if he ended it with OW, why isn't he trying to save our M? It's just all so confusing. I'm coming to the conclusion that this is the reason for a dark Plan B - no information period. Then you don't have to go through this hurt all of the time.

Of course I then wonder if I should send the card, flowers etc. I'm still feeling bad about his condition I guess. Fighting that need to DO something. UGH!!

This IS a freakin' roller coaster.

Anyway, feedback appreciated.

Wow, CL. Hang in there. I'm sure the answers will come in time.

Tell your daughter you don't want to hear anything about him. He sounds exactly like my ex. His spiel is that I threw him out (which I did on D-day), that MY heart is hard, that he always wanted to come back. He tells everyone who will listen, while conveniently omitting that he and OW were living together for the last 3 years. He leaves that little detail out.

Thanks Believer. I feel better now. Your age and situation is so close to mine it's scary. I'll be following in your footsteps for sure. Today I even had a love bank withdrawal I think, and there isn't much before we go into NSF.

I realized that he had a second life 1000 miles away that I really know nothing about and am not part of in any way shape or form. Why that just hit me today I don't know, but it did. I realized that he isn't going to give that up, even if he does say he wants to recover. I think he would always lie about it because I have no way of really knowing the truth about how long it went on, what he did, etc. That was a real love buster for me. I really didn't know who I was married to. I thought I did.

Wow, does that mean that I'm coming out of the BS fog? I almost don't want to recover when I think of it. I can see how Plan B preserves the little bit of love left. If I keep hearing things like this much more, I will definitely be following in your footsteps and will have no desire to try again.

What happened here???

Hi CL,


...I know what you mean... I worry about the same thing.

Dear Chi;
You don't know me, but I have read your posts for a very long time.

First, DD seems to be very fragile, she will cling to any hope of normalcy, and to her- you being married is "normal". Even tho she knows it will probably not happen- she has a hope that this mess can be fixed. She will try to "fix it".

I agree that you should tell her not to tell you what her father is doing. But you know that there is a part of you that somehow wants to hear that news- children, even older ones- sense that.

You should understand that it will probably be as hard for DD NOT to tell you new infomation about her dad...
at least as hard for you to communicate that you really don't want to hear about him.

Crazy how an affair has a ripple effect, an all these other relationships between family and friends get shafted!

Does DD understand the MB plan B? Maybe it would help.

Secondly, I agree with everyone prior who say for you to STAY DARK.
This is for your emotional benefit. I don't care if you feel sad for him, are concerned for him and are worried about him- you should be sad, concerned and worried about YOU.

This goes above your concern for your DD's feelings. You certainly can not help or take care of anyone else when you have not taken care of yourself first.

It will get better. Problem is,and what you should be asking yourself-- how deep IS the puddle before you get out of the mud and over to the other side?

Barbiecat,

Thanks for looking in on me. Yes, the puddle is a big one, but I'm getting there. D is hard, even on adult children. My DD has an addiction to deal with, so this is tough because she and her dad used to be very close.

Not sure what happened yesterday, but it was like a light bulb went off in my head. As I said, I experienced some sort of major love bust thing. Strange. I feel like I came out of the fog. Now having feelings of indifference. Whoa....big change.
Maybe it's the flavor of the week, maybe not, but I'm going with it.

I had to write an email to atty today explaining this and that on bank statements and credit cards. Poopoo... I went on record as saying that for the last 35 years, WH has wanted nothing, no..NOTHING, to do with that stuff. I've written almost 100% of the checks over 35 years, I've paid all bills and we have an excellent credit rating thank you very much, I've done taxes, financing, refinancing, investments, dealt with medical insurance hassels etc. Now he has the nerve to ask for an explanation like I'm some sort of criminal. Ticked me off to say the least.

My attitude today was such that I may not have a lot of income right now, but I have a wonderful condo to come home to that is in some ways better than my old house, and I'm much, much happier here than I was by myself in the old place with a lying and cheating H that didn't come home. It just finally hit me that the character of someone who would lead a secret 2nd life behind the back of a spouse of 34 years just isn't there at all. Lies to me and lies to OW. No problem. I'm sure he'd do it again if it benefitted him.

So, this is going to be a good week for me. A turning point I hope. Right now I feel like I'm going to be fine. Maybe this is God's answer to my prayers as of late. Maybe it's just the tallest hill on the rollercoaster, who knows, but I'm riding it for all it's worth.