My husband and I have been together for almost two years and just got married a month ago. My husband is kinda guy that has problem to make serious decisions. He hinted me many times after 6 months of dating that he wanted to "be serious" about our relationship but always chicked out at the last minute. We were finally engaged 4 months ago in a New Year's trip to New York. I asked him at least 5 times before and after our engagement if he was sure that he was sure about the whole thing - engagement and marriage - and wanted to be with me and only me. I was holding his hands and asked him to look into my eyes. He did and told me firmly yes, he was sure I was the one and the only he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

On the evening we were back from out trip, I accidently opened his email box on his computer - I swear I totally trusted him and never did that before - and saw an email my fiancé, at that time, just wrote to his former co-worker and ask the contact information for a girl they worked with. My husband said he had a crush on her but she was married at that time and he just heard she got divorced. I was shocked and couldn't believe what I just saw but decided to calm down first and re-think about it the next day.

The next evening, I opened his email box again and saw the email he asked the girl out for "some coffee or whatever". And heart broke into pieces. I totally lost control and went ahead read all the emails in his email box and found out he never stopped looking around while we were together - his ex-girlfriend, the girl he dated for a few months before me, the girl cuts his hair, his current co-worker, and a dating website... Nothing serious has happened between him and any of those girls. And I understand that he was just flirting around. But it hurts me so much and I told him I wanted to cancel the engagement.

We had a serious talk and he admitted that he had problem to commit to someone. But he was aware of it and was working on it with his therapist. He asked me to give him one more change and he promise it wouldn't happen. He even deleted his profile on the dating website and told me the password to his email box. I decided to let the past go and trust him.

Now we are married and I never check his email again. It's not because I completely trust him now but I know he wouldn't let me see anything there. Why bother? Yesterday I found out he is still using his ex-fiancé’s club card for a super market. I asked him why and the answer was "her phone number is easier to remember". And unfortunately he can never remember my phone#. I know it's jealousy and mixed with the trust issues but I just couldn't get over it.

We are in a cold war now and haven't exchanged a word for two days. I feel very sad inside and cannot eat or sleep well but in the mean time I have to take care of both my work and school. I hate this situation. Can anyone tell me how I can get over it and gain my trust back and/or maybe get rid of the jealousy? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thans for viewing

You're still going to university? Married one month? Have the marriage annulled and just continue to see each other until you graduate and select a career. That career might not be in the same town; if you're married, you'd probably have to give up that job to stay in his town for his job. Get your career in order first, before you marry.

I have to respectfully disagree. Now that you are married--I think you owe it to yourself and your spouse to earn your way out of a marriage which means to exhaust all resources first. Do some couple therapy, if he is working on this alone, he should be open to working on it together. Do some individual therapy for yourself to learn how to better communicate your feelings. If we don't take care of what we invest in, the investment will almost always fall apart, especially when that investment is another person...we all need love. That is the point of the LB. Make deposits into yours, into your spouses...you love him or you wouldn't be posting. He loves you or he wouldn't have married despite his fear of commitment. You can focus on all the past negatives or work towards future positives. I don't mean you don't have to deal with the past, but work for a future. Then if it does have an end you will never look back and wonder if ending it were a mistake, you would know you exhausted every resource...and if it works out--wow, how thankful you will be you didn't take the easy road out.

You could look at it that way, or you could look at it that she married a man who only went along with it because it was easier than to split up. Sounds to me more like a couple of people who could stand to do a little growing up on their own and then see if they want to get back together when they've got their act together. JMO

Dizzy, I think you are asking for help on what to do to make the marriage work am I correct? I didn't hear that you were looking for a way out, but a way to work with what you have and improve it.
First, you have every right to feel jealous! I would! When I've had situations come up in our marriage that made me feel jealous or uncomfortable I have asked my dh to reverse the situation and tell me how he would feel if it were reversed. So for example how would your dh feel if he found emails you sent looking for someone else's phone number?
also as for the club card, it might be it seemed logical to him. it isn't contact with her--(not saying I agree but I can see how that might just seem logical to him) So, you're upset, I understand. I hope by now you are out of the cold war. One thing I would suggest as a friend, because this is what I would do in the situation. I would get a nice card, and get a club card with his number on it (he knows his number right???) and give it to him as a gift, with the card. Express your love and how it feels to you like he is shopping with her when he uses her club number (or however it makes you feel, don't say you make me feel but I feel) and that you don't want to fight about it, but this is important enough to you that you found a solution, a club card with his number!!
Am I on track with what you are looking for?

Cat, I don't think she is looking for a way out. And regardless, what is wrong with people growing up together? Is it that it was easier than splitting up? you can stay with someone for a long long time without a marriage if that is your concern, or is it that for some reason he loves her too much to not marry her but it is scary to allow himself to get close? I don't know which the case is but unless both parties want it to end why encourage that?

cj, I agree, we should always try to preserve a marriage if it was done for the right reasons. But what I saw in the first post was a woman who really really wanted to get married, and a man who felt hassled enough that he said yes. Statistics say that around the 1 1/2 year to 2 1/2 year of dating is when women typically start pressuring the man for an 'answer' of whether the relationship is going somewhere or they're wasting their time. It just sounds like this marriage was that statistic in action.

The only enthusiastic thing I read coming from her husband was that he went to therapy.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, and she's not giving enough detail, and there's a lot of him wooing her and telling her he's head over heels for her. It just sounds to me like an immature person thinking she has to be married and pursuing the best option she's got.

Sure, they could grow into a solid love; people have been doing that for centuries, eons. But she's going to graduate from college soon, opportunities for jobs will come up, she'll make those decisions based on staying where he wants to be, or else he'll make decisions based on where she wants to be, and if there isn't a solid love already there, one of them is likely to grow resentful that they stifled their dreams for the other.

If I'm reading it wrong, I apologize. But what I see is a guy who got married because it was the easiest route and he was pressured - hold his hands and make him look me in the eyes and tell me he wants me - this is teenage romance novel stuff. I just see a really rocky future, and they've only been married two months. If they really are meant for each other, they can annul and keep dating and see whether the bonds strengthen and then consummate later after they've done their therapy and settling down and living like adults on their own for awhile. Just because you annul doesn't mean you go your separate ways.