I have been married for 14 years and we have a 13 year old son. We have always had a tough marriage. In terms of Dr. Harley's principles here is our "scorecard":

1) We have had sex less then ten times in 14 years
2) I am not so good at chit chatting
3) My W does not life to snuggle or engange in affectionate activity
4) I love sports - I swim and bike and play tennis
5) My wife has no sports - she likes to read - she sends me off skiing and camping and triathloning without her
6) I am a great financial provider - we are rich
7) I think I am my wife's hero
8) We spend a few hours a day talking - mostly surface stuff
9) She was a stunner when we got married but never got thin after the pregnancy
10) She fights constantly with out son. I have dreaded coming home after work for 12 years. It is now a battleground. I am not very assertive and so I kind of stand to the side and I am appalled at the ranting and raving. I will stop our son and demand he show repsect but I know it is mostly my W who starts and continues it
11) I am not super proud of her - God gave her a ton of gifts and I am sad and disappointed she stays home and reads instead of developing them.



So, I really want to leave. I feel like I need to leave. My needs are poorly met and really I do not see us recreating or making love or me being pround of her public persona.

I have never been able to leave. I am scared to divorce. I will feel like a failure. I feel I will let my son down and not have him in my life. I feel like I must gut it out and dread the place but stay there - this even though I could move down the street and still meet many of my marriage committmens.

So about seven years ago I took a mistress. It was wrong and I knew it was wrong and I could not help myself. I was compelled to take her into my arms. At first it was sex. I would leave her and swear not to do it again. I was not afraid of being found out - i hardly hid it - I just felt like I was taking the cowardly wait out of a poor marriage. I felt weak and I did not tell any of my friends for years.

Eventually, I fell in love with the OW. She goes skiing and camping with me. We swim together and ride bikes. The sex is still awesome after 7 years. She does not have all the gifts my wife has but what she has she has completely developed and refined. I am very proud of that. She is a happy and hard working person. She loves to look good and I am proud to be with her.

MY OW is getting older and since I am married I cannot meet all her needs. She wants someone in her life full time - as do I. After reading Dr. Harley's book I realize i need someone to have sex with and to recreate with and to be honest with. I cannot keep living a lie and I feel like I could build a marriage and a life with the OW.

But I am struggling with leaving my family. I have started to tell friends. I am in therapy (he says I love my wife like a sister and that the OW is really my wife). I am praying my guts out. I am soooooooooo conflicted.

Pleae help me - how do I create the life I crave?

Thank you and God bless

I think your wife deserves the truth, don't you? I mean...assuming she doesn't already know - either way, she needs to hear it from you.

You're here, on a marriage builders' forum, so I'm a bit confused that you are here looking for help to divorce. You aren't likely to find that here, the help to do that, I mean.

Now...if you want to save your marriage - that's another thing. I think your son deserves both of you working on the marriage actively with no secrets between you. This isn't all about you and your happiness. The two of you brought a child into the world, and he may never recover from this; are you prepared to leave him? Because he will, undoubtedly, feel abandoned. Are you sure you want to walk away from him? Let him down like that? Not trying to make you feel guilty - I'm really not, but let's be frank. It's just how it's likely to be. You need to face that. Whose happiness is more important - yours....or his...?

You're assuming something - that once you tell her the truth, she'll cut you loose. She's going to be devastated and very hurt, for sure, as will your son, but she may want to actually work on the marriage. Are you willing to do that? To work on your marriage together with her? For your son's sake? I think you need to consider this from all angles.

Think about that.

It appears your world is a little more black and white then mine.

I want my child to be happy and well adjusted. I want to model have needs met and being a problem solver. If he was in a bad marriage that could not work out I would want him to move on and find a relationship to meet his needs.

I can model gutting it out. I Have done this for 14 years and I could continue - I might even do it. But there is no way i would want my son to do it, I would tell him to leave.

My son feels his mother does not like him becasue she screams at him almost every day. When we go to a tennis tournament he get quiet and semi-depressed on the way back home. His self esteem in is the tank b/c of constant criticism and arguing.

I am anxious to do the right thing. You assume that is to always stay - apparently no matter what. I wish you more then that. You can be happy - you may have to take a road less travelled.

Would you always stay married to an active alcoholic? I would not - and I support your right to handle it your way and that that would be right for you.

Finally, I need to say I am not yet willing to give up the OW. That is why I am here. I get that I may be like the alcoholic who has not hit bottom - I cannot imagine life with her or without her. I am trying to address the problem. Morlalistic lectures to alcoholics laced with guilt have not worked for thousands of years - I get that and Iget that Dr. harley gets that. I do not think you do.

First off, no one says it's always the right thing to stay. If your wife is being verbally abusive to your son, you need to protect your son from the abuse. According to what you wrote, this seems to have been going on for 12 years now. I don't know what, if anything you've done to protect your son.

Second, you have NOT been gutting it out for 14 years. You have had another woman in your wife for half of that time. (BTW, I really dislike the phrasing "I took a mistress." Affairs are bad enough without it sounding like you went out and bought a Barbie doll to sleep with.)

You seem to want to do something now, not because of your child, but because the OW is putting pressure on you to change the relationship. Let's be honest about this.

Third, it's impossible to ever feel that your wife is your wife if you allow someone else to fill half your emotional needs. In other words, for the last 7 years, even if your wife had the information needed for her to change, it wouldn't have mattered because you were/are emotionally taken.

If you want to get divorced, get divorced. It's easier than you think. Of course, your son is going to be very disappointed in you when he finds out there's been someone else all along. But, he may already guess that. It's surprising what kids know or suspect.

Okay...what kind of counseling have you and your wife had over the last 14 years?

What part have you played in the parenting of your son?

My belief is that if a spouse is being abused, he or she has the right to separate him or herself from that situation. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce.

My belief is that if a child is being abused by a parent, the other parent has an obligation to step in and protect that child.

If you want to work on your marriage, you'll need to give up the OW completely and permanently. I understand that perhaps your lack of inspiration may be because you don't believe your wife can or will want to change and you'll be without either women then. However, you don't really know your wife won't change because she doesn't know the truth.

"I am anxious to do the right thing."

The right thing is to tell your wife the truth and then for the two of you to regroup and try to pick up the pieces. She deserves to know the truth and to be given the chance of redeeming herself. You, also, may be given an opportunity to redeem yourself, but you aren't allowing yourself that possibility by hiding the truth.

This is going to mean breaking it off completely and permanently with the OW. It's going to probably mean getting some marriage counseling as well as family counseling and parenting classes. It's going to involve making your son feel quite insecure for a time. However, in the end, it could be one of the most worthy battles you've ever fought - the fight to save your marriage. And...in the process could be saving your son from inheriting the throw-away marriage syndrome.

You can't devote the time and energy into saving your marriage with the OW in the picture. It's just not possible to split yourself in half like that. It complicates things and gives your marriage no real, fair shot at recovery/redemption.

Something to consider, as well, is whether or not your son will respect you leaving them. You're assuming and rationalizing he will, but he's still a child and is not going to see this all like an adult.

I think for both you and your son's sake, actively working on the marriage using MB principles and/or a promarriage counselor without OW in the picture at all for at least 18 months will mean the difference between you being able to live with your decision to go or not.

That's just my .02. A month for each year of marriage, and a few more because you have a minor child to consider. If you do go, you're going to want to be able to tell your son that you honestly tried your best to keep the family intact. And sitting back in silence/leading a double life is not trying your best.

And for what it's worth - not that I'm rationalizing your wife's behavior, but I think it's very possible she has underlying depression from the state of the marriage and is taking a lot of her frustration and dissatisfaction out on the path of least resistance - a 13-year-old boy who can't defend himself.

She may already know; maybe you've already realized this. It could very well be. And for whatever reason, she finds it easier to bury the truth just as you are, internalizing what she can and allowing your son to take the overflow that she can't stem.

But hey - I could be very wrong. Either way, your son is getting a very raw deal here.

I agree with Soolee. Your son is getting shucked because he has two parents who are destroying his life. His father because he's a weak man who chose personal satisfaction over being a good role model for his son - and in my world, when you become a parent, you don't get to be selfish any more. And his mother because she's letting her hatred of you AND herself over your affair (yes it is an AFFAIR - quit trying to make yourself look good, cos it won't work here) make her miserable and depressed and unwilling to tend to him.

Your wife is depressed. Most likely because you are blatantly carrying on an affair in her face. Man up and teach your son how a real, God-loving man should treat his family. So that he doesn't turn into a younger version of you.

He's already really close to becoming a juvenile delinquent with the two of you as parents. Are you ready to be responsible for that just because you couldn't be a man and work harder on your marriage? It won't be your wife's fault; she's just reacting to what you're doing, to your dismissal of her as something less than what you think you deserve. Jeez. Not refined enough, not motivated enough, just reads...what I wouldn't give to have my husband read even one book in his life.

Grow up and start teaching your son how humility and shame can make up for your transgressions, so he will learn it instead of turning into a problem child. You likely only have a year or so before he starts getting into drugs and worse. Trust me, I know kids. And you are driving him to it.

Divorce your wife.

Lose half, so you will be half-rich.

Pay her alimony on top of it too along with child support.

Run off with other woman and live Happily Ever After™.

There, that's what you came here to hear.

Kudos Pariah! You couldn't have said it better..it's exactly what he WANTS to hear.

I feel bad for the wife and son. And pity the OW for not being "woman enough" to leave another woman's man alone.

Ronda

That leaves son with verbally abusive mom. (I know you were just telling him what he wanted to hear.)

I saw something on tv about some kid, I think he killed his mom or his family, and his sister said it was because of years of constant extreme verbal abuse from the mom.

So gen's son either goes with the verbally abusive mom or the unfaithful self-absorbed dad and OW who care more for their own pleasure than the well-being of a child.

Or the dad acts like a MAN and does what needs doing, for the good of his family. Protect the son, and if possible help the BW heal.

Yes what Pariah said was tongue in cheek...you also have to remember you are only hearing one side of the story and none of us know if the verbal abuse really happens as it's told.

Ronda