Hi All
Mine is a very unusual story. I married by husband 7.5yrs ago, but we never lived together as I hadn't told my family. Huge cultural issues, was stuck looking after my dad after mom died. Recently I started opening up to my family n he had an affair. Within a month he decides to leave me and live with her. He wanted a divorce and then when I begged him to stay and he cried and wanted to make it work. But then she moved into his place a few days later as she had already handed in her notice at her place to move in with him. In the last month he kept on telling me he wanted to reconcile but couldn't leave her and kept on sleeping with her. Also, I could never ring him or text him when he was with her.
I finally gave him an ultimatum and he decided he wants to try to work it out with her. Initially he said he wanted the divorce but wanted me to find out how we could withdraw it if he changed his mind. Now he thinks he won't be withdrawing it. But yet he claims to love me in some way.
I really want him back - any ideas?

Yes it is a very unusual story...

You need to find a way to tell your family and live under the same roof, for starters. It's very hard to have a functional, normal marriage unless you ARE living together. A strong marriage can handle short-term separations, but for the entire marriage?

Let me ask you this...let's say it was HE who was not willing to tell his family about YOU...that you had to live somewhere else because of your cultural differences. How would that make you feel? Maybe like he didn't really love you enough to actually have a real life together? Maybe really lonely at times? Forgotten? Forsaken?

I'm in no way condoning his affair. I'm just throwing some questions out to you that I think you should think about.

I think the first thing you need to do is tell your husband that you're going to talk to your family about him on a specific day (very soon) tomorrow?, that you want to work on the marriage and live together like a real married couple, that you don't want a divorce and that you believe you and he can work it out.

Then, face your family - tell them the truth. When you're married, it's your spouse who should come first - not your father. Together, maybe you and your husband could have found a way to take care of your dad - either literally the two of you or to hire the help. That's what you do in a marriage - you face these things together. It's all these little adversities in our married lives, when faced together, that makes the marriage stronger and stronger as time goes by.

For whatever reason, you've assumed their reaction, and that wasn't fair. However, you can do the right thing and be truthful from here on out. The question is, do you have the courage to do that? Is your husband/marriage worth it?

You might wish to post this on the General Questions II section of the Infidelity board.

I told my family as soon as I found about the affair, and then told him that my family knows and I want to make it work. Initially it didn't work, then he wanted to reconcile but he couldn't leave her (since she had moved in and is still living with him)
She is quite crazy ( i cannot ring him or text him in front of her) as she loses the plot. Over a month ago she even kept on calling me to threaten me to back off.

Couldn't leave her? Or wouldn't.

He is making choices, just as you did in the beginning of your marriage by not telling your family and not living with him.


I am not sure why you think she is crazy. Sounds to me like she's protecting their relationship. And your H is allowing this. He is not "helpless" in this situation.

What do you think he told her about you? That you and he were married, but you refused to tell your family, and refused to leave your family home and live with your husband. The truth. I am not judging the truth, but I'd like you to put yourself in her shoes - your H explained the situation to her, and apparently she fell in love with him. "Oh poor thing," she thought, "his wife wouldn't leave her family, what kind of a marriage is that? I love him even more for the indignities he's had to suffer...."

I guess what I would do in your situation is to tell him that you love him, that you don't want to give up on your marriage and you see the error of your ways - that you want to live with him as true husband and wife, the way it should be. That he is having an affair which is obviously a bad idea for your marriage - insert religious or cultural reasons if that might help, i.e. living in sin, etc. Start a strong Plan A - fulfilling his needs as best you are able to, telling him that you're showing him how good it can be when he chooses to give up the girlfriend and work on your marriage. Tell him that you are very sorry for not honoring your marriage and realize your mistakes, and that you will be the wife he imagined. And tell him that you are very unhappy he is having an affair and that you certainly hope he ends it. Then decide for yourself how long you are willing to tolerate his infidelity, and if that mark passes, go to Plan B.

Lucks - Thank you for your advise.
I did tell him that I loved him n he said he knows that but this just happened and he can't leave her and that our marriage has died. He loves me but he can't leave her. He wants to give it a try with her.
I even tried the cultural/religious reasons but that didn't work.I don't know how to win him back when he continues to live with her.