Way more than .02 - and worth a million:)

Thanks michele...pom's list and the advice about the 180 is good advice. I'm going to work on putting that into action.

I have an appt with the counselor at 2:00. Hopefully that'll help me take care of 'me'.

Well here's the latest. W let OM2 know she got caught. I'm pretty sure that she knows I'm looking at her email now too because she finally purged the deleted items on her webmail page (she's always done it at home - apparently thinking it deleted them from the webmail page). She did leave the following in her sent items, which leads me to believe it was intended for me to see:

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Hi
Date: Fri, May 9, 2008 9:51 am
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx




Hey xxxxxxxxxxx,

I've had better days. I got caught editing a photo (guess which one)
leading to a confrontation....oh well - I sent it anyway. I spent the
night on a futon for the first time since you and I were together...

Did you get the attachment? Better than a v-neck?
Yet another first with you. First time eating sushi, first time a guy
cooked a meal for me that didn't come out of a can or just involve boiling
water, wine and the fireplace and the movie Kalifornia (of course I was a
jerk), first long-term relationship type thing, first time sending
suggestive photos....don't pass it around over beers with your friends

But then again your the only person I've been with that I still would like
to talk with 16 years later (shudders and feels old).

Lol
xxxxxxx

I think she's pushing your buttons on purpose.

If you don't find a way to detach, this is going to kill you emotionally. This isn't about you, but we tend to make it that.

Remember that you have choices. You may not get your first desire (for her to come back and work on the marriage with all her heart) but you can choose what you will do with what you know.

She is who she is. She does what she does. You can't control her, or make her doing anything. You can only decide what you will do with what you know.

Don't make decisions in the heat of the moment. If it's right to file for D, it will still be right in a few weeks or months. Hold on, and watch and see where she goes.

Some have suggested that in situations like this, you can file for D, and control the pace. It sends a message to your WS, and it prepares you for the end if they don't change. You can always cancel the proceedings if WS repents.

These kinds of things are a big steps. Not to be made lightly.

While you think, keep bringing the ball down, and running your plays. It's the other teams job to do every thing in their power to stop you. It's your job to be a professional, and keep running your plan, and making it work. You already know she can stoop really low. Don't let what she does surprise you, or blindside you. Knowing what we know, I would guess it will only get worse on her end. Her going to MC is a sham, and probably a waste of time and money. Think about what you want to do with that.

Whatever you decide, don't sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It won't help, and it's not going to make you happy.

Decide who you want to be, and start being that person. You can be a light house with, or without her. Light houses hold their position, they don't move around. Those who want to be saved steer towards the light. If she wants to come, she will. You can't save her against her will.

The only thing I would say to her about this (in the near term) is something like this "I know what's going on, and I am thinking about what I'm going to do. I would be glad to discuss it with you if you wish, but if not, It will probably help me make my decision."

I think I might cancel all plans to be with her, and I wouldn't get her anything at all. I would just say "I really don't want to spend time with someone who is doing the things you are doing."

She knows you know, and she won't respect you if you are a doormat.

You'll get conflicting advice on this - do what you think is best. You are the one who will have to live with it.

SS

From my perspective, Plan D is in order ... given her past behavior and the fact that she knows that you know about OM2 ... she's just rubbing your face in it now and has no respect left for you.

The fact that you saw her editing a nude photo of herself for OM2, and then she SENT IT ANYWAY was the deal breaker ... it should be the last time she humiliates you in such a manner.

I'm really sorry, this just SUCKS!!!

I don't know if its Plan D, but she is deliberately rubbing your face in it and is not showing you any respect. Generally once the behavior becomes this flagrant, a BH isn't going to be able to reach his WW through Plan A. Plan A behavior feeds the WW's sense of entitlement and is used to further degrade him.

Plan B is definitely in order, you need to set some pretty firm boundaries and stick to them. Others can and will help more with how to implement Plan B, but the basic idea is that it is time to stop meeting ANY of her needs, and inform her of the conditions she would have to meet in order for you to consider recovering the marriage. It often does not work quickly, but you need to step out of the way and let the reality of her decisions hit her in the face without you shielding her.

What about contacting OM and asking him his intentions with your wife. Come on guys, what can he say to this OM (POS) to let him know he's not sitting back for this? Need a man's POV.

She does this because she can.

After exposing the OM#2, THEN go to a very very dark Plan B.

(Reading about her blatant lack of respect for her marriage just makes me furious for you!!)

This is not very much about OM2 anymore. He is just responding to an easy opportunity. The problem here appears to lie very much within WW.

That's true, but still. Shouldn't he shake things up a little? What was the movie where the BW and the children passed out flyers in the neighborhood exposing the WH's affair? JK!

WW obviously has issues. Maybe too many to conquer. I dunno, her actions are pretty blatant. My first question would have been WTH are you doing with nude pics of yourself on the computer. I mean really, why WOULD they be there?

Thanks all for the replies. I saw the MC alone today and that grounded me a bit. Gave me a chance to consider the options. Almost all those posted here were mentioned. I think what I WANT to do is something like what Michele suggested....continue to Plan A for a few days to see how she responds and turn a 180. SS, thank you for the scripting - those are excellent responses and I'm sure I'll use some if not all.

As it happened, W turned down our dinner date tonight - says she's "tired and just wants to go home and lay down." OK. I ended the call with an 'I love you' and I'm pretty sure she responded "No you don't", but it was garbled. Predictable.

I agree that she is just pushing my buttons now. So I'm going to take advantage of a quiet evening in the den watching "There Will Be Blood", and possibly take a nap. We'll see what happens when it's time to pick up DD tonight (tonight is 'Date Night' at daycare - she's there til about 10:00 PM and comes home in her jammies). DD is bringing home her mother's day present for WW so I'm supposed to pick up to keep it a surprise...we'll see how WW handles that one.

I'm exhausted...going to lay down and enjoy my movie.

Best advice I've ever given: DO NOT WATCH THAT MOVIE!

TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE!

You've been warned!

She sent it even after getting caught!! That was right in your face!!! How much more are you going to take??? MC won't fix this!! She is not taking you or your marriage seriously at all!

We're back to withdrawal. Quiet and polite last night. We both slept in the bed - W slept in a nightgown (not usual for her). No longer wearing her engagement ring (she hasn't worn her wedding band since she was pregnant - says it needs to be resized). She's now switched to using yahoo for email.

Friendly this morning, but no mention of our anniversary.

I came up with a new plan. I've been thinking about what W said to me in our last confrontation. I told her I just didn't know what to do to make her happy. She said that that was the problem. I've been thinking about that and I think I get it.

So my new plan is just to be me. I left flowers, a card and a CD of songs I put together for her on the kitchen table. I'm going to carry on being me. Snooping is done - there's no more to be gained, and only hurt for both of us. Mistrust is done...there's no point to it anymore. She'll either tell me the truth or she'll lie. I can't control which.

SS's advice takes on more and more meaning for me. So SS, it's time to light the light in the lighthouse and wait. The ship will either be guided by the light, or crash on the rocks, or head back to sea to wait for calmer seas, or find another port. None of which changes the responsibility of the lighthouse. The lighthouse remains, with the lamp lit.

Rough day today. The lamp is still lit, but it was a rough day. I'm tired and hurting. DD spent the whole day with W today. Probably tomorrow too. It's lonely being a lighthouse.

It won't be lonely forever.

Did you work in the garden today?

I picked peas, and beets. (not too exciting, is it.)

Finished putting up a shed in the back yard. DId a little weeding.

What did you end up doing?

Suggestion -
Plan a full schedule.

Schedule out your time as much as you are able in advance. Plan some work - from your "to do" list.

Plan some recreation, even if it's going to the park with DD. Invite your WW to go with you, but if she declines, go anyway. LIVE LIFE.
Keeping busy does two things:
1. Keeps your mind off your troubles.
2. It shows WW you are not waiting around for her, and that your life will be fine.......... with, or without her.

Make a list of things you always wanted to do, and start doing them.

National or state park near by you have been wanting to visit?
Museum?
Store you wanted to window shop?
Place you wanted to take DD for lunch ?
Botanical garden?

Start thinking, and start doing.
Don't try to do them all at once - or make a big deal out of it.
Just tell W.... "DD and I are going to ________, do you want to come?"

Another comment to memorize and hold in reserve -
If she starts making noises about D, or separation. Tell her "I love you, but I can't force you to stay with me. I'd love to grow old with you, I have dreamed about a long and happy life with you....... but I know I"ll be fine no matter what you choose, and I wish you luck."

Say it in words you would normally use. Don't get emotional. Then you turn and walk away. Always negotiate from a position of strength. It makes your position look much better. It shows her she has a lot to loose. It makes her think.

SS

I did some weeding and loosened up the soil a bit. Cut the fledgling spring grass and put down some seed. Changed the oil in my truck. Then I painted the ceiling in the den...finishing up a project.

Today I'm going out to buy some wood and stain to make a cover for DDs sandbox, and I'm going to do that and paint the bedroom ceiling. WW and DD are going to visit my MIL today - it was plain that I wasn't invited.

WW has been acting as if everything is normal (apart from ignoring our anniversary and taking off her ring) - friendly conversations, sympathy for being tired after painting the ceiling. I overheard something about legal papers when she was on the phone with her sister last night. Got a feeling the dam's gonna break in the next day or two.

I've had a lot of friends call, email and txt me....that helps with the loneliness. And so did your post:) thanks SS.

I laid it all on the line yesterday. I told her about the snooping and told her I was done with it. I told her that I was going to start paying more attention to her and less to my fears. I told her that I still want to grow old with her. I said I was tired of feeling like what's happening between us is a war and that I wanted to work together. And I told her that I know she's on the fence about a lot of things and that I'll be ok whatever she decides.

She said she'll think about it. Told her I didn't want an immediate response, I wanted the chance to show her that what I said was true.

Now it's time to take care of me, and start to heal. And hope for the best.

2,
Where does that put you? Plan A, Plan B or are you doing a 180?

It would appear that he has voluntarily put himself squarely at the mercy of his WW, and she will likely continue with her pattern of abuse. He has raised the "white flag of surrender".

Pathetic, really!!!

MicheleG: Thank you for reposting the 180 turnaround. I need to use them myself and try hard to stick to them. It's doing me no good to sit around here waiting for H to make up his mind. He's "working" on what he wants. Says he's not sure "yet". I thought we were 5 months into recovery but he admits to not putting in much of an effort. It tears my heart out sometimes. Yesterday we went to a convenience store and he witnessed a motorcyclist checking out my butt. He made a point of telling me on the way home. When I asked him as to how it made him feel, he says "he didn't really care". Well then why did he tell me?? To make me feel happier that other men are looking at me in case he decides to dump me eventually for OW?
I question daily whether this pain will be worth it in the long run........