Hi All
Mine is a very unusual story. I married by husband 7.5yrs ago, but we never lived together as I hadn't told my family. Huge cultural issues, was stuck looking after my dad after mom died. Recently I started opening up to my family n he had an affair. Within a month he decides to leave me and live with her. He wanted a divorce and then when I begged him to stay and he cried and wanted to make it work. But then she moved into his place a few days later as she had already handed in her notice at her place to move in with him. In the last month he kept on telling me he wanted to reconcile but couldn't leave her and kept on sleeping with her. Also, I could never ring him or text him when he was with her.
I finally gave him an ultimatum and he decided he wants to try to work it out with her. Initially he said he wanted the divorce but wanted me to find out how we could withdraw it if he changed his mind. Now he thinks he won't be withdrawing it. But yet he claims to love me in some way.
I really want him back - any ideas?

Do you have children?

No children. We haven't been living together since day one. My family didn't know we were married till recently ie when I found out about his affair.

Why did y'all hide your marriage?

It's complicated - my mom fell ill soon after our marriage - in n out of hospital for a good 12 months. It wasn't a good time to break it then. She then died, with my dad being left alone. He is partially sighted so couldn't leave him alone. But neither would he agree. My H then had an affair 6 months after my mom's death which really hurt, as I needed him most then. It took me a good 2 yrs to recover from that. By the time i built up courage to start sorting out us by just telling the rest of my family - he had another affair ie the current one and has left me for her.

Ok, so let me see if I've got this right - you want to "recover" an M with a WH who cheated on you and, knowing how much that hurt you, chose to cheat on you again? A WH with whom you have no children, probably no joint assets, and who you're never lived with "as one"?

Why?

That is right. I want him back because I love him. Hard to explain why I still do but I do nevertheless.

I am sorry but you cannot win him back because you never had him. And I must tell you that you never loved him.

1. You did not love him enough to live with him as man and wife and happily tell everyone.

2. It was never a real marriage.

3. He cheated and cheats again so it proves he does not love you and that you never had him.

4. He does not love you and you do not love him.

5. Let him go and get a divorce as soon as possible.

6. He does not want to get back with you ever.

Forget trying to date again, rope him in again or try and live with him. It is a waste. Get your life together alone and then start dating other men if you eventually want to be married.

Good Luck with the divorce.

Sweetpea, this is only a marriage on paper, it is not a real marriage. It is more like a long engagement that didnt work out.

I am sorry to have to ask this, but are you and your parents wealthy? Do you give him money? What does he do for a living?

I do come from a well off family but i never paid him anything.

Are you an heir of your parents estate?

I suspect what you might be feeling is "infatuation", which to put it bluntly is Mother Nature's way of getting us to be jiggy with someone we would consider a total creep if we really got to know them, all in the name of propagating the species.

There is a "solution" to that situation though: cut off all contact with the person in question and opening yourself to the possibility of allowing someone else to meet your emotional needs. Hence the suggestions here of D'ing him. There are more of us guys out there you know - many of whom will not abuse you by cheating on you; many of whom you will likely enjoy years of a fullfilling M with, without having to worry about them fooling around with someone else behind your back.

Good statement. How does a person who has been totally betrayed lied to and demeaned go from there to even thinking about another relationship? Everytime I do I feel sick to try to even trust another man.

What you do is start loving yourself. Learn how. Stop accepting abuse from people like that. That was not a marriage. I would get him off my records of legal union as fast as possible, so that (no offense) if your father dies, you don't have to share your estate with him and his latest mistress.

SP,

This was not a marriage. A marriage means you have a daily life together, filled with love, sex, relationship, comingling of your toothbrushes and the open cap on the toothpaste which irritates one of you, seeing EACH OTHER through rough times.

Your so-called marriage consisted of you staying right at home with mom and dad, never leaving so he could be your husband and provide for you. You never once left the cushy comfort of your money and your safety and your life with your family of origin, and you never once thought of him as your family - you two never once even moved in that direction. That is not a marriage. You shared a piece of paper, that's it.


You initially cited cultural differences as the reason for hiding the marriage and not living with him.

I'm not so sure of that.

I think there are probably many more reasons why you did not live with him, among those are that you knew this "marriage" wasn't the right thing from day one.

I suspect strongly you married him on impulse, and then regretted it, and had a great deal of fear in telling your family because you KNEW they would be correct in telling you to get this thing annulled.

Which may very well be an option for you. Explore it.

The both of you have done something very strange - you married on paper and then kept up the sham for this long.

In most states, it will cost under $500 to get this legally undone via divorce. He is "cheating" on a marriage that never was. You are "saving" a relationship that never was.

The whole thing is strange - like out of some movie, don't you think? Take a step back and view it from out here in cyberland.

I would like to know your family's reaction. I suspect they are telling you to dump the loser, that you were nuts to have done what you did, and that they are completely disappointed and shocked at finding out this news. They probably think he's after the money, too.

It actually might be worth a check in his name to be done with him.

IMHO

SB

My family have been as supportive as they can barring my sister. They want to help but don't know how. They would prefer a divorce but don't want me to continue feeling that they are running my life for me.
Our divorce would be clean as we have both been financially independent.
It might be hard to understand but I do love him and I do accept my responsibility (or rather lack of) in this, but I do want to make this work.

So, what would a good marriage look like to you?

What things would you like to be include in a day to day marriage?

How often are you with each other now?

"Lucks - Thank you for your advise.
I did tell him that I loved him n he said he knows that but this just happened and he can't leave her and that our marriage has died. He loves me but he can't leave her. He wants to give it a try with her.
I even tried the cultural/religious reasons but that didn't work.I don't know how to win him back when he continues to live with her. "

I quote your response to Lucks on the other divorce board. Here it seems like your husband does not want to live with you. He wants to continue to live with his girlfriend.

Because you cannot force him to give her up, and because of all the other things you told us about, and because HE DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU, you need to let him go and get the simplest divorce you can.

Later, if you two decide to, you could date, get to know each other again, and even remarry. But I doubt you two will end up doing that.

For now, get a divorce since you cannot even get him to live with you! He loves and wants and is living with and having sex with the girlfriend, his girlfriend, who he has an established relationship with! He is not living with YOU, he does not want YOU, he does not LOVE YOU.

No matter how much you think you love this man, he does not want YOU! He is not INTO YOU! He will not LIVE with you! There is no possibility of a real marriage here.

It all hurts nevertheless!

Sweetpea, I understand that you are hurting and I am sorry that you have to be here. But people here are trying to help you and it is probably best for you if you can get your marriage to this man annulled.

You have never lived together and he does not want your marriage. I am so sorry to say this but I think that you are better off without it too. You will meet someone who loves you and who is ready to get married and share his life with you. There is no need to rush it but you should know that it will happen eventually.

How old are you? Do you still live with your dad? What kind of plans do you have for your future?

I think that you can say that MB is about becoming the best person you can be and creating a good and happy life for yourself and your family. Even if you are not married you can learn things here, maybe someone can recommend another board section for you.