Hello, I am new here. I know that this is long and rambling I tried to edit it, but I have been a mess since this is my first holiday alone, so please bear with me.
My D of D was March 27 and then on March 29 H revealed that he is still having affair, and when he said that he was in love with her and would not end the affair I took the advice of my church ladies bible study and I asked him to leave on March 31st (Based on Dr. Dobson’s book “Tough Love”. We have talked a few times he is living with OW 6 blocks away! Has seen his 3 kids 2 times in the past 6 weeks, once a scheduled visit and once we were at the grocery store and saw them groping each other! Kids are a mess, and quite honestly so am I. He says that he wants a D, I don't, but I don't know what to do!!
A started almost 2 years ago as a friendship at work and snowballed, oh yeah and I was pregnant with third child at the time! H has been lying and living a double life and would have continued if he didn't get sloppy and caught. I knew that something was not right between us and would ask him about it and he would cite stress and inability for us to connect emotionally lack of intimacy, then he started saying that he just didn’t love me anymore but that he cared for me a lot, but didn’t know what to do. I tried to schedule counseling but there was always excuses for why he couldn’t go at the last minute, and since we only have one car I wouldn’t be able to go either, so hence appt had to be cancelled.
In January, he lost his job because of this and is working a new job for a little more than a third of what he was making. I filed for support in beginning of April, but our hearing isn't for 3 months and he left all the bills, so I told him he needed to take the things in his name because I can't afford it, I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years now, and he said that would be fine but I wont be seeing any more money till the hearing! Since talking to his lawyer, this tune has changed and he has been voluntarily paying $500/week. I am getting by, but we are on welfare and Medicaid to help with those areas, but he took the truck, so we have no vehicle, so the children and I are at the mercy of friends and family and we are taking an emotional toll on all of our relationships because we are a lot to deal with! Three kids in car seats is a lot and my parents have a 20- 25 minute drive just to get to us!
We started dating at 16 split up for a few years remained friends and eventually started dating and married in 1997, in 18 years I thought I knew this man, we are Christians for heaven sake. How did this happen and where do I go from here???????
I have been working myself I have lost a significant weight, in fact I already weigh less than I did when we got back together in 1994. I have been working hard at self love and improvement, taking all the assessments on the site and trying to concentrate on figuring out who I am again and what brings me joy, besides my children. I even enrolled in an online university to pursue my masters degree, I start on May 27th.
Plan B is in progress, he had been taking money from the kids and I and so I have started my own bank accounts and support process, I have a Christian lawyer he is competent and everything but extremely low key and don’t know if he is really going to fight for me and the kids to protect them from my H’s terrible choices, temper, and such. He has been contacting me via the phone and e-mail pretty consistently until this past Tuesday, our daughter finally talked to him and I think she hurt him pretty badly with all the pent up rage for him, so he called me back Tues night to check on us and talk more and I blew up. He keeps trying to tell me that this is ALL my fault!! I am so sick of hearing how his sin and choices are my fault and I told him again that I needed some time to be alone and try to get my feet in under me and that the children know his number and e-mail and that I have told them I would help them contact him any time that they want to. I am trying to tell them and reassure them that their Father loves them, but when you tell the children that you have chosen the OW instead of their b-day parties and holidays and special events and vacations, I am having a really hard time convincing them! Also when he is with them he hollers at them a lot and tells them to shut up a lot, so he has done heavy damage to these little ones, I want them to have a relationship with him, but he asked me again Tues night to host a bbq and invite him and the OW over to meet the children and see that she is a wonderful person and will make a wonderful mother to them! Really I thought that was my job??????? My family thinks I should be swift and hard and file for Plan D, but I am not ready to give up the children need their Father, lousy as he is, I believe he can change, am I just deluding myself?????
When he talks to us that she is not around he is so kind and cries a lot and seems like he is breaking under this and then she gets around and then he is this hard, hateful man again!! I keep giving him daily to God sometimes it is more like hourly, but I miss him so much, he was my best friend. I am doing okay, I am getting through each day and moving forward, but I really have NO idea what I am supposed to be doing. He won’t file for a D because of the expense, so how long should I just sit tight and pray and wait??? I am so lost and confused, I just want my life back. We began dating at 16! I thought I knew this man, but I just feel so disoriented and I have our three small children and I am trying to be strong for them, but I have had no time to grieve or try to deal with this on my own other than now that I have found this website. I need to get a copy of the book to read, but haven’t been able to order one yet. I am praying all the time for him and for her, the OW, I just feel so violated in so many ways and don't know where to start to heal! He is with another woman that has MY NAME!!! He started this affair while I was pregnant! Just so much and I just want to pack up and run away so that I can just get away from it all, but I know that won’t make it go away either!


I know that I have screwed up so much in this, I have hollered and lost my temper and said mean things and I have confessed that all, but I have had 6 weeks of stress and humiliation and lonliness, and he has had 2 years to pull away and now he is in the arms of another and has no responsibilities and problems.
I feel so needy and like I am always taking from those around me without any ability to really give back to them, and I have always been a giver, almost to a fault, so this has been so hard for me. I am always apologizing and saying I am sorry for bothering people for needing to talk and vent because I know that they are busy with their own families and issues and such, and I don't want them to feel like their needs are any less important or stressful than mine! In fact I have had that come to my attention that people are having trouble that I am so much and take so much time that they feel that their problems and trials and stresses aren’t important

I still with God’s hand love my H very much and I know that he still loves me, but he is so trapped by sin that he cannot see how it is possible to change his circumstances or where we are now, so what am I supposed to do and how do I survive this!!

klben,

It is very late here and I am heading to bed. I will offer a few thoughts and suggestions. First read all of the articles here by Harley. Second seek some pro-marriage counseling. Third, why are the tax payers of your state supporting you and the children when your H is supposed to be doing this? Go to the state or the court and file on your H for support tomorrow. I suspect that your state agencies take a very dim view of an H not meeting his repsonsibilities, see if they will help you get support from your H.

Next have you read about plan A? If not read it. Part of plan A is exposure. Have you exposed to your family, his family, and yes friends? If not you need to do so. I will tell you that exposure is not about revenge, it is about you seeking the help of others to save your marriage. Shining the light of day often begins the process of an A ending, make sure OW's family and friends know what type of person she is as well.

Nothing good will happen until the A ends. Read about plan A, expose and come here and ask plenty of questions.

God Bless,

JL

Hugs, KL. (((((klbenfield)))))

KL, I am a fellow believer and I know from "having been where you find yourself today" how totally unbelievable and how devastating adultery by your spouse is to you.

You have said that you are both Christians, and that was true of my situation as well. But STILL my wife got herself ensnared in sin and it became "blinding" to her as her "feelings" lied to her, telling her that "God didn't REALLY mean what He said."

Let me assure you that God DOES "mean what HE says."

My question to you is whether or not you'd like to talk about the "what to do" sorts of things from the perspective of YOU being surrendered to, and humbly obedient to, what God has said?

I don't want to presume that you want to talk about that sort of "stuff" right now, as you are emotionally reeling from the effects of adultery, but as one believer to another, "to whom else would we go, Master?" is truth and is where believers should remain anchored when the violent storms hit.

If you'd like to talk about the "faith" component in this "valley of the shadow of death" you are facing, I'll be happy to try to provide some support, and potentially some advice, that may help you in this time of need.

But for now, let me simply SUPPORT your decision to have your husband leave. NOW, read about "plan B" and get yourself ready to "Go dark," and cut him off of ALL contact with you and with the children. You do NOT allow a self-absorbed, self-centered, rapist and child molester anywhere near yourself or the children. YOU become the "mama she-bear" and NOBODY "messes with your children without going through you first!"

Next, what JL asked is extrememly important and needs to be answered by you, and answered now. WHO have you exposed your husband's affair to and WHY do they HAVE a "need to know?"

Let's start with family. Have you exposed the affair to his family, your family, your church family?

At this point your "objective" is NOT to get him to end the affair. Your objective "for now" should be to begin to Destabilize the affair. Affairs flourish in secret, hidden in the dark, so that a "false front" can be presented to others. It is time that "the light of day" (Reality that exposure brings) begins to shine on his "hidden sin" and that will begin to take some of the "luster" off of his "feelings." So let's begin there, okay?

The last thing I want to comment on, for your protection and for the protection of the children, is a couple of statements that I will quote from your post:


NO! You do not want your children to have a relationship with ANYONE who is willfully sinning against God. The "person" you want them to have a relationship is Jesus. The "person" you think is their father is NOT their father. His "Body" may look the same, but he has been replaced by an "evil alien" and is NOT the husband or father you "have in your mind." DO NOT allow this. Your husband NEEDS (if you truly do love him) to begin to feel the CONSEQUENCES of his self-indulgence, and that includes the LOSS of his children. If all he wants to do is be a source of money, then fine, the Divorce Courts will see to that. He can even PLAY at being a father "once in a while," if the courts grant him "visitation rights."

But you plan to file for divorce on the grounds of Adultery, NOT "irreconcilable differences." You file for divorce for CAUSE. Have a very frank talk with your Christian attorney and ask him if adultery is ANATHEMA to God? If it is, what is God's response to what is anathema to Him? (See God's judgment upon Adam and Eve, the Flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc. for examples).

Your husband "purports to be a Christian" but rejects the fundamental principle of submitting his life TO God, no matter what his feelings happen to be. Tell your attorney you EXPECT him to "stand in your place" as the "she-tiger, sharp claws and all, protecting your children and you from the ravenous 'wolf in sheeps clothing' that is against God and God's commandments."

IF your attorney is unwilling to be THAT defender of you and of God, then get another attorney who will.




You ARE their mother. SHE is a thief, a liar, an adulteress, a person at complete enmity with God. FIGHT! There will be NO time when she is allowed around your children while you still live. She will NEVER be their "mother" and the children are too young to understand that, so you DO what mothers do for their children and you FIGHT FOR them.

There will be NO bbq. Not now, not ever. She is NOT a "wonderful person." She may want people to "think" she is, but she is EVIL. She has no respect for God. She has NO respect for the sanctity of marriage nor the responsibility of PARENTS for their children. She is selfishness "incarnate" and is NOT a role model for anyone with any sense of godly morals and ethics. STAND YOUR GROUND!

Righteous Anger is expected by God when you are confronted with blatant sin, so GET ANGRY and don't try for vengeance, but DO STAND against sin or any tolerance of sin, or any "hint" that adultery is "okay" for your children. God is CLEAR, "You will NOT commit adultery," and "no unrepentant adulterer will be in heaven." God does NOT "compromise" or accept a "LIE" as the truth.

Now, assuming your still love your husband and would be willing to forgive the sin and to attempt to recover and rebuild your marriage, understand that you "Fight" against the SIN, not the person. Understand also that NOTHING you "want to do" that is "nice" and "forgiving" and "plan A" types of behaviors will register on your husband or have any effect on him until the affair is destablized and the "fantasy world" they have created begins to crack and crumble as REALITY begins to "intrude."

ALL sin has consequences. They want to deny that reality. It is your job to let your husband know that while you cannot "control what he chooses to do," he does NOT get to choose actions without any consequences.

God bless.

Thank you ForeverHers and Yes, I do want to face this in God's armor and fighting a moral Godly war against this! I do love my husband very much, but realize that I haven't loved myself, or really God since I put my H in his place at the center of my life.
I have exposed the adultery to my friends, family, his family, and our church. His parents are totally with him, his mother says "This is a part of his sacred journey and that if I ever loved him that I will let him go and be happy for him that he has finally found true happiness and his true soul mate." Clearly they are not believers, so we won't even go there because they went out to dinner with them yesterday for mothers day, oh yeah and his parents hired his lawyer, so I guess they don't really like me! The only people I have not contacted is some of his work friends who became mutual friends we went to dinner and such with. No one has reached out to me, so I didn't know if I should contact/say anything to them.

Support, I filed on April 14th and our hearing is on July 18th until then he is supposed to pay voluntary support of $500/week. He has until last week been paying just very erratic about when it goes into the account.

As for contact with him, there has been none since last Tuesday, and I have not been initiating contact, since mid April, I had some forms he had to sign over on some bills, contact has been coming from him. I guess I am frustrated because none of our "friends" or "church family" has called or contacted him to say that what he is doing is wrong, you know Matthew 18. I feel like the only one that has said that what he is doing is wrong is me. Am I wrong to believe that he should be confronted in his sin by these people?

I agree whole heartedly about the advice on the children. They dont want contact with him because he is sinning and in their eyes is "dirty and sick" with sin. I am trying to find a Christian counselor for us to work with, but have not found any in our area, and with the transportation issue right now I am struggling there. I have been going to a few of the ladies at my church, but I think that I am struggling with saying the things that people want to hear, but in my heart still kicking and screaming that this is just wrong! I love the Lord and want to change, because I see some things that I clearly should have done differently, so I am working on me. I have lost a significant amount of weight, am working on developing some self esteem that I allowed my H to kill off over the last few years, and figuring out again who I am, where God wants me, and how to support the children in the meantime. In fact, I am starting a Masters of Ed program online on May 27th. I love working with children and want to give back and help other children that are struggling too.

So, that is where I am at this moment in time. I am sad because mothers day was yesterday and it was my first holiday that I was alone with the children, we had a good day, but it was bittersweet without my H. Thankfully God's mercies are new every morning!

klb, I have to confess that when I hear this sort of thing, my blood "boils."

The "object" of forgiveness is not to "excuse" sin, it is the establishement, or reestablishment, of Relationship.

Let's be perfectly clear here, the Scripture is clear and definitive, NO unrepentant adulterers will be in heaven.

Therefore, if your church is truly committed to God, Matthew 18:15-20 is NOT "optional." It is a COMMAND directly from Jesus Christ that is geared to conviction, confession, repentance, forgiveness and restoration of fellowhip; first with God and second with whomever was also sinned against(like YOU, the faithful spouse).

My advice would be to call the Pastor of your church and book an appointment. When you are face to face, explain the situation to him and ask for a "church discipline" intervention according to the Matthew 28:15-20 steps that Jesus gave us.

IF the Pastor will not do this, find another church, that one (if they don't believe in being obedient to ALL of God's commands) is NOT a church that is surrendered to God. It is "self-serving" and has lost it's purpose of "being," to minister to the lost souls and to STAND for God, not the "world's ways of doing things."

God bless.

{{{{{KLB}}}}} hugs to you. I know you are hurting. I know your pain intimately. I am sorry you are here, but you will find the support, encouragement, and help that you need.

First of all, your husband is a typical WS. His affair is not "special". His lies and justifications are the same we all have heard. That is what we call the WS fog babble. Try your best to ignore it, as hard as that is to do. He is just babbling to make himself feel better about doing something horrible.

I will tell you that my husband was a wonderful Christian husband and father, until the affair. Then he morphed into what we refer to as the alien. I could no longer "see" my husband. It was as if he was lost or dead. So all that you write is not new here. If you work the plans, you will have the best shot at recovering your marriage. There is no guarantee. But I can tell you that the Plans worked for me.

First of all, realize that this is a spiritual battle for your family. Fight it as such. You are still one flesh with your husband and your prayers have more power than you realize. Pray for his deliverance. Pray for God to run after him and wrestle him. Pray for him to be restored to God first and his family second. Pray for your own protection and for your children's. Your biggest fight is in the spiritual realm.

Next, you must take care of yourself. Eat as best you can, try to get a decent amount of rest. Focus on the basics. The rest is unimportant. Take care of you, so that your children have ONE parent they can count on. They NEED you.

Read up on Plan A on this website. I will try to find the articles and link them here for you. Plan A consists of two parts: the carrot (improving yourself and understanding his ENs and demonstrating willingness to meet them) and the stick (exposure). Both parts are CRITICAL. Do not skip any. I will be back with more details about them.

Do not worry about Plan B right now. You need to Plan A first for a short period of time (2-3 months). Then you can move into Plan B.

However, it is quite clear that you need financial protection. If your lawyer is not willing to deal with that immediately, then find someone who will. You don't need a Christian lawyer. You need a lawyer who will fight to protect you and your children, whether he is a Christian or not. Find one. You do not want a lawyer who is going to play nice, or one that is going to encourage you to play nice, you want one that will do what is necessary to see to it that you receive what you deserve.

That's enough for now. 1. Pray 2. eat, rest, basics 3. read Plan A 4. lawyer to deal with finances immediately

Keep posting here.

As soon as you can get Surviving an Affair, read it. The library probably has it.

You are not alone. There is much in your story that reminds me of my own. Hang in there. You will get through this.

Hello again. I wanted to come back and address some specific things in your post.




Wayward babble. I heard the same thing, and so have most BS's here. Now my FWS is disgusted by OW.



It might have been better to not ask him to leave until you could work a really solid Plan A.

But, at this point, you'll have to work the best Plan A you can without him home.

I, too, have read Tough Love and found it very helpful.




I'm sorry. I know how much this hurts. My FWS didn't move in with OW, but certainly stayed with her a lot...and her with him.




You cannot control your husband. Focus on what you can control. Make your home comfortable and as happy as you can for your children.

Settle in to your own routine that you get to control. Hopefully, down the road, your WS will decide to join you.





Very common.




More WS babble. blah, blah, blah. They all say it. Try to not let it get in.




My husband did similar things when it came to counseling. Lots of excuses to avoid it.

As long as he is in an active affair, counseling is useless anyway. He will rewrite history, lie, and then say, "Well, I did all I could. I even went to counseling."





Document everything. Find old pay stubs from his prior job.

Three months is way too long to wait. Why will it take that long?

Things that are in his name and are not essential, let go overdue. But DO NOT pay. These are his responsibilities. You need to save what money is coming in for your necessities.

I am not that helpful with this part, because my FWS never considered not financially supporting us while he was gone, although he did cut the amount coming because he "needed something to live on." UGH!





I wrote almost word for word the same thing during my FWS's affair.

Where you go right now is focusing in on Plan A, then Plan B.





You are not ready for Plan B. Right now, you need to Plan A.

Plan B isn't about bank accounts and support. Plan B is when you have NO contact with WS AT ALL, not even when exchanging children for visitation.

But first, you need a good Plan A, so that he sees changes in you and will remember positive things about you, when you do go into Plan B.



This is NOT your fault. You WS made a choice to give to someone else what belonged only to you.

You may own some of the condition within the marriage that left open emotional needs for someone else to fill. But HE MADE THE CHOICE TO let someone else fill them, and HE MADE THE CHOICE to have the affair.

This is all his. Do not own any part of the affair.




EXACTLY! And don't let anyone make you think otherwise. It IS HIS sin and HIS choices.

You got it!



That's because he is not loving them right now.

Love is about what we DO. He can say he loves them all he wants. But they are WATCHING for HOW he loves them.

I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts to see your babies hurt like this.

Tell them something like this:

"Daddy was tempted and allowed sin into his life. That little bit of sin grew and now he is completely blinded by it. He doesn't see how much he is hurting you. But one day he will. And he will be sorry for it. Let's pray for daddy, that God will make him see it now, so that we can be a family again."




My husband's behavior toward our children was very bizzarre during his affair. There were times when he was verbally abusive.

I realized that the man he had become was not the "father" they deserved and that as long as he was wacked out, they were better off with very little contact.






HE is responsible for his relationship with them.

You be the best mom you can be.





This is one of the worst examples of wayward, wacked-out thinking I have EVER seen.

UNFREAKIN' BELIEVABLE!!!!

Do not let your children around OW. She is an enemy to your marriage, to your children's family and way of life.

Her goal is to destroy all that gives them security and peace.

I would make it clear to WS that under no uncertain terms are your children to be around OW ho!





You have every right, including Scripturally, to divorce.

Family and friends who have not faced infidelity cannot understand what you are dealing with. And family and friends will offer much advice.

Please remember that a lot of the MB program is counter-intuitive. That means that what you SHOULD do is not necessarily what you FEEL LIKE doing, or what it SEEMS LIKE you should do.

They offer adviced based on tid bits of what they've read here and there, or heard, or think, or feel.

But Dr. H. has done a great deal of research to come up with his program...Plan A, Plan B, and hopefully recovery.





Good for you. Then you are at the right place. We have seen it happen many times. Marital recovery IS possible.

As far as "can he change". What kind of man was he before the affair? THAT is the man you are fighting for. Is HE worth fighting for? If so, then dig in your heels and put on your armor.

My FWS thanks me for fighting for him, for our marriage, for our children, and for our family.




I understand. My husband has always been my best friend, lover, confidante, partner, supporter, encourager.

It is so lonely without them.

Lean on God. Let Him be all that for you.

Dig into Scripture and pray it.

Write verses and prayers all over your house.

You will make it through this.

OK, a few questions about exposure:

Have you talked personally with your pastor?

Do you have any "couples" friends that you both were close with? If so, can you ask the husbands to confront your husband?

Is OW married?

Have you exposed to OW's parents, husband, children (if grown)?

Remember, when you expose, you tell them that your WS has abandoned you and the children to pursue an affair. Tell them that you are working hard to restore your family and ask for their support.

THAT is it. It is not about spreading the word, gossiping, revenge.

It is about rallying people of influence in your husband's life to come along side your family and support your efforts to restore it as God designed.

I'm sorry your in-laws are such ingrates.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Okay, so talking exposure: I have told our mutual friends at church and outside, but have not called any of the people that he used to and she still works with that called us my H and I friends. I have not spoken to WS's family since initial confrontation, they are so blind and think that he is making good decisions. I don't know who I should be calling, should I contact his brother his best friends and tell them even though they know? And if so what do I tell them?

I guess that I am doing both Plan A and B??? or a mess is a better way to look at it. One time I have a great conversation, and things end well, and then he calls when she is home and is emotionally abusive and then I cry and say stupid things and one of us ends up hanging up. I call and apologize for saying stupid things, but it gets hard to remember and think in the emotional and verbal abuse. I try to say it isn't a good time and he just keeps pushing, so last week I told him that it is just too hard right now and that I love him and am totally committed to him and our marriage, but that I cannot talk to him for a while, so that I can focus on getting the kids and I healthy and on our feet and if he is not going to leave her, or get his own apartment and figure out who he really is and what he wants then I need some time to adjust.

Okay, KL, why don't you tell me a little about your church, the church's doctrinal statement, whether or not you and your husband are members of the church, does the church have just a Pastor or does it also have Elders, etc..



I agree with you, clearly they are not believers. Therefore, don't expect anything related to God, much less obedience to God, to have any meaning to them. Expect NO support of any kind from them.

Now, given that they are not Christians and are very "worldly" and "humanistic," how is it that your husband became a Christian?



I don't know where you live, but if you'd like I can give you the web address for the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. "Nouthetic" means biblical. Many of them provide counseling at no charge as part of their ministry. You could check to see if there are any counselors in your area.



If the ladies are helpful to you, then it's fine if you want to get some support from them. But it would be my guess that none of them has any experience with infidelity and probably don't know what to do or say and about all they can do is offer you an "ear" to talk to.

That's fine as far it goes, but you really need to getting advice from people who have experienced infidelity and have been through what you are just now facing. You will get both sympathy and "hard talk" when it's needed, but most importantly you will get truth. It can hurt, and it can be NOT what you "want to hear," but believe me when I say that you need the suggestions and advice of people who have waded through the flood waters themselves.

In addition, you need spiritual guidance from someone who is also a strong believer, because at the end of the day, whatever you do must also be in agreement with the will of God.



"Plan A" type changes are good, but it's very difficult to make any comments here without knowing more about what you think are "things I clearly should have done differently." If you feel up to it, why don't you post what those things are and what things you want to change about yourself.


Now, you have not yet addressed my previous comments about your Pastor and the Matthew 18 issue. What is your update on those things?


Now, a little "tough talk" that may be a bit distressing to you, but it's needed base upon your comments about an almost total lack of effectual help.

Get with an attorney and prepare to file for Divorce. It would be a good idea to have the papers served on your husband so he will there IS going to be consequence and that his "future" will not be including you or the children. You don't have to go through with the divorce if you don't want to, but you also have to be prepared to actually Divorce if he continues to be selfish and unrepentant. Along with that, stay in Plan B, get a Plan B leter written (there are examples on MB that you can use and/or modify a little), get an "intermediary" lined up so that ALL communication goes THROUGH the intermediary and not directly between you and your husband.

God is God of peace, and that is also one of the reasons He allows divorce as a legitmate "option" for the Faithful Spouse (you). God also will provide comfort for you during this extremely difficult time through the presence of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Remember, following Scripture WILL help and will keep your actions "God honoring" even if one of those actions IS to divorce your husband because he remains "stiff-necked" and unrepentant.

God bless.

KLB, I'm sorry that you are here and in such pain. I understand and remember this devastating pain like it was yesterday, and my year D-day is in two days.

I need to for myself address this. We are human beings and regardless of what religion we are, unless we take precaution to prevent A, they can happen to ANYONE, if you are Christian or not.

Ok, I feel better.

Now on to you. You have found the most wonderful place with people who truly understand your pain and will help you to devise a Plan that will help you recover from this. I NEVER thought that possible a year ago. But it's true.

If you want your M, there is lots to do and lots to learn. Please keep asking questions, feel the pain and know that everyone on here understands and cares that you are hurting.

I am going to read the rest of your story, but welcome you to MB and know that I just care and am here.

I'm going to have to disagree with FH on Plan B.

An important part of Plan B is first delivering a solid Plan A, which has not happened.

Considering how horrendous your WS is being, I do think that a SHORT Plan A is in order...about 4 weeks.

Come here and vent. Come here and share the details so that we can help you pull off Plan A. It is difficult when faced with so much hurt. But you can do this, and we will help you.

Your friends and family wil not understand Plan A. They will think you are being a doormat. Just let them know you are fighting for your marriage and you do have a plan to protect yourself.

Can you commit to Plan Aing for 4 weeks? (1. Demonstrating to WS your commitment to make changes to be a better spouse, and 2. Exposing strategically to people of influence in WS's life)

You must get your financies secured immediately. This is a critical issue that must be dealt with before you can go into Plan B. So, if your lawyer isn't willing to do what is necessary immediately to get you and your children protected, find one who will.

We can help you prepare for Plan B during that time. Plan B will protect you from the abuse and drama of the affair and wayward attitude. It will also help you preserve love for your WS while he spirals down an ugly path.

Plan B isn't a "run and hide" type of behavior. It demonstrates your strength and resolve and clearly sets your boundaries. It must be done with forethought and planned and executed carefully. If not, he will break through your Plan B, and you will lose credibility.

So, tell me, are you up for 4 weeks of Plan A?

Just checking in with you.

How are you doing today?

Hello everyone, today was a good day. A friend came and took the kids and I out to McD's for lunch and a great time of play, I got our 1/2 acre mowed, and homeschooling went okay! So, all in all I would say successfully managed another day!

As for the responses, I am confused, I don't know who I am supposed to expose to since everyone knows, but I guess that I should expose on my side, but I am not sure what to even say to anyone. I really need to order a copy of the book, I have been trying to learn online and stupidly save the money! I know silly it is only $20 with shipping and all, but I am the frugal spouse!

I also spoke with the pastor of our church today, it was a good conversation, he apologized for seeming not to care or be involved in my situation, he said that he has had meetings with the deacons and elders and that they are trying to get organized to make their interventions effective and organized. They are working on the car situation and organizing a work team to come and help with some of the repairs to our home that WS left undone in various stages. The pastor has been praying about confronting WS, he has been hesitant to confront him due to their history. WS went to the pastor in Jan 07 and confessed to an emotional affair with this woman but that it ended but he didn't know how to heal from it and reconnect with family. Pastor gave him some assignments and said they would get back together in a few weeks to talk more, but neither on pursued getting back together again, so WS has been blaming the pastor and saying that if he really cared about him that he would have pursued him and seen that there was more to it than that, but he didn't, so the pastor due to this anger has been hesitant to be the one to initiate contact, but he has his address and all phone numbers and is praying about how to proceed. The other reason that he had not contacted him yet, was that he and many others have been praying for him to reach out on his own to one of the men that he was close too, but it is now going on two months and the pastor said it was long enough! I thought it was long enough hours after he left!

Below is the Doctrinal statement of our church:

The Trinity…We believe in one God, Creator of all things, infinitely perfect and eternally existing in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (Gen. 1:1; John 4:24; 10:30; 2 Cor. 13:14)

The Holy Scriptures…We believe the Holy Scriptures, both Old and New Testaments, to be the verbally inspired Word of God, without error in the original writings, to complete revelation of God's will for the salvation of man, and the divine and final authority for all Christina faith, life, and conduct (2 Pet. 1:20,21; 2 Tim 3:16,17).

The Nature of Man…We believe that man was directly created by God in His own image and likeness. After Adam fell into sin, the entire human race became alienated from God and is therefore eternally lost. The natural man of himself is utterly unable to remedy his lost condition (Rom. 3:10, 23; 5:12; Eph 2:1, 2; Gen 1:26)

Satan…We believe in the personality of Satan; that he is the author of sin and the cause of man's fall; that he is the avowed enemy of God and man; and that he is doomed and shall be eternally punished in the lake of fire (Job 1:6,7; Eph. 6:11,12; Rev. 20:10)

Jesus Christ…We believe that Jesus Christ being the eternal Word, on with the Father, was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary; that He died on the cross, thereby being a perfect and complete sacrifice for the sins of all mankind; and that He rose bodily from the dead and ascended into heaven, where He is now seated on the right hand of the Majesty on high and ever lives to intercede as our High Priest and Advocate (John 1:1,2; Luke 1:35; Heb. 4:14-16).

The Atonement…We believe that without the shedding of blood there is no remission for the sins of all mankind, and that the shed of blood of Christ is the basis of the reconciliation of a believer with God (Rom. 3:24-26; Heb 9:22).

Resurrection…We Believe that Jesus Christ rose bodily from the grave and that His resurrection provides the proof of out completed justification for all who believe. We believe in the physical resurrection of all men: the saints to everlasting joy and bliss, and the wicked to conscious and eternal torment (Rom. 4:24; 1 Tim 2:5; 1 Cor. 15:21,22; Rev. 20:4-15).

Justification by faith…We believe that men are justified solely on the basis of faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ resulting in regeneration by the Holy Spirit which brings salvation and eternal life (John 3:3,5; Acts 13:38,39; Rom 3:24,25; 5:1,9; Col 1:14).

Eternal Security of the Believer…We believe that all born again believers, regenerated by the Holy Spirit, are eternally secure in Christ and shall never come into condemnation for sin. While it is the believers privilege to rejoice in the assurance of salvation, this is not cause for license of liberty as an occasion to the flesh (John 10:28,29; Rom.8:38,39; Eph. 1:13,14; Gal. 5:13).

Person and Work of the Holy Spirit…We believe that the Holy Spirit is a Person, coequal with God the Father and God the Son, who convicts the world of sin, righteousness, and judgment. He regenerates, baptizes, seals, indwells, fills, enlightens, guides and empowers the believer for godly living and service (John 16:8,13,14; Acts 1:8; 1 Cor. 2:9-12; 3:16; 12:13; Eph. 5:18)

Gifts of the Holy Spirit…We believe that God gives spiritual gifts to all believers. Some gifts of the Holy Spirit are permanent and are to be used throughout the Church Age. Other gifts were temporary and were given in the Apostolic Age for the purpose of founding the Church. Having fulfilled their purpose, they are not necessary and are not given today. We believe the temporary gifts include the gifts of apostleship, prophecy, miracles, healings, tongues, and the interpretation of tongues (Rom. 12:3-8; 1 Cor. 12:13-14; 13:8; 2 Cor. 12:12; Heb. 2:3,4; Mark 16:20).

We believe that God does hear and answers the prayer of faith, according to His own will, for the sick and afflicted (1 Cor. 12:7-11; Eph. 4:7-12; 2 Cor. 12:12; James 5:15).

The Church…We believe that the Church, which is a spiritual organism made up of all born-again believers of this present age, is the body of Christ of which He is the Head. Its purpose is to proclaim the gospel of Christ and gather believers into local churches for worship and edification, and to equip for service, thereby planting new congregations though out the world ( 1 Cor. 12:12; Eph. 1:22,23; 4:11-16).

We believe that the New Testament teaches that local churches are to be free and independent under Christ to establish their own government, make their own decisions and determine their own procedures. This does not in any way hinder fellowship and/or working relationships with other churches of like faith and practice (1 Tim 3:1-13; Titus 1:5-9).

Separation from the World…We believe that all redeemed ones are called into a life of separation from all worldly and sinful practices (Rom. 12:2; 2 Cor. 6:14; James 4:4; 1 John 2:16).

Two Natures of the Believer…We believe that all who are born-again possess two natures, with provision made from victory over the old nature through the death of Christ and by the power of the indwelling Spirit.

We believe that all claims to eradication of the old nature in this life are unscriptural (Rom. 6:13; 7:14-8:4; Gal. 5:16-25; Eph. 4:22-24; Col. 3:1-10; 1 Pet. 1:14-16; 1 John 3:5-9).

Second Coming of Christ…We believe in the personal, pretribulational, premillennial, and imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ for a vital influence on the personal life and service of the believer; and that Christ will subsequently return to the earth at the end of the tribulation with his saints to establish His millennial kingdom (Acts 1:11; 1 Cor. 15:51.52; 1 Thes. 1:10; 4:16,17; Rev. 19:11-21).

Missions…We believe that it is the obligation of every born-again believer to bear witness by life and word to the truths revealed in the Word of god and to help proclaim the gospel to all the world through missions and missionaries (Acts 1:8; 2 Cor. 5:19,20; Matt. 28:18-20).

Dispensationalist…We believe in the dispensational view of Bible interpretation, but we reject the extreme teaching known as "hyperdispensationalism," which opposes the ordinances of the Lord's table and water baptism for this age (Eph. 3:1-9)

The Ordinances…We believe that water baptism as a confession of faith, and the Lord's table in remembrance of Christ, are ordinances to be observed by the during age. They are, however, not to be regarded as a means of salvation (Matthew 28:19.20; Acts 8:12,38; 10:48; 1 Cor. 11:23-28).

As for whether I would be willing to do a one month plan A I would but don't know if that could be possible right now. I feel like he needs to be the one to contact me, because he is testing me to see if I really meant it when I told him that unless it was an emergency that I would wait for him to contact me. He sees me as weak, codependent, and unable to be on my own, that I need him. So, given that I really am not sure how I would initiate further contact and have him think that I am not needy and begging?
I enrolled myself into college and I am beginning my masters degree the 27th! I am very excited this is something I have always wanted to do, but doubted that I could and WS always wanted me home with the children and didn't see the need to "waste" the money for more education, he is a student of Robert Kiyosaki's thinking and thought that a home business was what we needed to do, and he has tried several, all halfheartedly. I think that when he sees that I am strong and changing that it will make more of an impact, however, I am concerned that this will push him further away because he has said several times that I am strong and don't need him, and I agree I don't need him, but I do desire him as my friend and companion and lover, but that rests largely in his hands. He has to reach out to the repentance, restoration, and forgiveness that the Lord has waiting for him and then we can see to our recovery.

Thanks everyone for your help and love!!!

SunflowerSmile - I'm going to assume you are NOT new to MB, as your registration date of just 2 weeks ago would imply.

So, given that you already know about MB and sound as though you are more into "advising" than seeking help with your own situation, let me ask you a question.

It's okay to disagree with me, or anyone for that matter, but in the interest of really trying to help her, how do you propose she do a "Plan A" when her husband is not at home, nor does he seem to be much interested in any contact with her or the children?

She can certainly work on whatever changes in herself that she alluded to, but this affair is not likely to respond to "Love Bank" deposits at this time because no "crisis" has been precipitated yet.

When the Pastor talks to him, the only question that should be posed is "how do you justify claiming to be a Christian while deliberately and willfully being disobedient to God's command against adultery and spitting on the COVENANT of marriage?"

Confront him, in love, with the Word of God and what GOD says about what he is doing. Ask him to repent and seek God's forgiveness, but be firm about the FACT that God is not pleased with what he is doing.

If God did not spare His own Son, by what right does he "spit in God's eye" and walk all over what God did for him?

I agree that going backwards would be extremely difficult, but what about the continuing with no contact. Is that where I am right now, I think that it is, but I am confused!!!

Should I be talking to more of our friends and "exposing" to them, if so what should I be saying since they all know that he has left us? Am I to tell them that I want restoration? Most of these if not all are not Christians, so please help me!! I want to do the right things, I know that I have messed up a lot in not doing things in the right order, but I love my husband and know that he is in there somewhere!!!!

I agree that going backwards would be extremely difficult, but what about the continuing with no contact. Is that where I am right now, I think that it is, but I am confused!!!

Should I be talking to more of our friends and "exposing" to them, if so what should I be saying since they all know that he has left us? Am I to tell them that I want restoration? Most of these if not all are not Christians, so please help me!! I want to do the right things, I know that I have messed up a lot in not doing things in the right order, but I love my husband and know that he is in there somewhere!!!!

What should I be doing????? Besides a lot of prayer and reading...

klb - Let me say first of all that "confusion" is NORMAL. So please don't "beat yourself up" over this, look at this as a time to patiently "endure" while you lean on Christ and know that while you might not know what is going on or why all of this is happening, HE does.

Have you "formalized" the no contact with a "Plan B" letter? It didn't sound like it yet. So if that is the direction that you think you want to go to protect your love for your husband, then consider that you might want to delay such a letter until AFTER a Matthew 18:15-20 intervention has had a chance to see if your husband will be convicted of his sin and repent.

Let's assume for a minute that the Pastor, or whoever is involved in such and intervention, are "successful" and your husband WANTS to stop the adultery and would like to return to you, but he will also at that time be feeling a lot of guilt and may well feel like it is "too late" or that you "just can't forgive him." Those are normal reactions and you will need to know what YOU will do when he does get his head out of his backside and begins to feel like the "prodigal son" felt.




In my opinion, the answer to your first question here is "no."

You have already exposed the affair to all who have a "need to know." If the rest need to know, you will know it if they are maintaining a "friendship" with your husband while he is deliberately sinning against God and you. Give the "church discipline" steps a chance to work first. IF your husband remains incalicitrant, the circle of knowledge WILL expand as one of the latter steps in church discipline is to bring it before the church.

But please don't lose sight of two very important facts.

1. Keeping "those who know" to a minimum number helps make recovery easier, especially for the repentant Wayward Spouse.

2. MOST people, Christian or otherwise, don't know how to deal with adultery, much less with someone who committed adultery. It scares the "willies" out of them and many also don't have a good handle on what "forgiveness of sin" really means. "Condemnation" is easy, but remember the woman that was dragged before Jesus?

IF your hope and desire IS for a restored marriage with your husband, don't add, unnecessarily, additional "burdens" to overcome when you enter Recovery. Recovery is hard enough without the added problem of "others" being "uncomfortable" or presenting a "superior righteousness" in your interactions with them. In our case, we changed churches.

Your church, from the Doctrinal Statement, sounds like a very good, very solid, church. But don't forget that ALL of the people in the church, including the Pastor, are themselves sinners and NOT "perfect." If your husband repents and you both enter Recovery, having a solid church to attend will be VITAL to the recovery IN CHRIST of your marriage.




If you are like most of us, you have become an "insatiable reader," partly to try to understand what adultery is "all about," and partly because you have a "knowledge deficit" about "what should I do" and are looking for ideas that will "save your marriage."

Let recommend one more book for you that I found to be my number "two" book, behind the Bible. SAA (Surviving An Affair) was my number "three" book. Consider this, think of these books as your "top five," like in the top five Emotional Needs. It's not that there aren't MORE resources, it's just that you can be overwhelmed if you try to address EVERYTHING at one time. The book is called Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder. It is written from a Christian perspective.

When you are ready, or if you are curious, I will give you a link to an old thread of mine (Forgive? Trust? Really? What have we learned in the past year?) that also has a long list of the books that I found to be very helpful and very relevant to recovering from adultery.

klb, remember that while going through trials and tribulations, it is hard to "see" the reasons or to have anything but fear about the "unknown future."

God knows. Do what you can, but remain in His love and trusting Him that no matter what, YOU are "in His arms" and you WILL be given peace and comfort as you "lean not unto your own understanding," but find "rest in the Lord."

Now, if I can spend a minute on HOPE.

klb, assuming your husband truly became a "born again" believer, he IS saved. So salvation is not in question. Understand, I mean REALLY understand this: He has (as a born again believer) the HOLY SPIRIT indwelling him. There is nowhere he can run, nothing that he can hide, from God. When a believer "strays and gets lost," God does NOT abandon him, He goes looking for him. God doesn't have to look long to find him (considering the Holy Spirit KNOWS), but it MAY take a while to LEAD him back to the safety of fellowship and a restored relationship. God is all about "relationships," and that is why God created Eve FOR Adam and why God ordained Marriage as a Covenant relationship "in His image" of the relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

The "bottom line" is that the affair WILL end. The only questions are "when" and will YOU still be in a position to forgive and rebuild a newer, better, marriage focused on Christ.

God bless.

McD's can be a "nice" distraction sometimes, especially when you have adult conversation along with the horrid hamburger.

I homeschool my children, too. I am planning my oldest's graduation party right now. My youngest is in 1st grade.




I understand about the exposure confusion. Your situation ahs a lot of similarities to mine. My FWS left our home, too.

After my 1st D-day, I only exposed to a few close friends (for prayer support) and to our parents, because I NEEDED their help.

At that time FWS, was saying that his affair was over.

After D-day #2, when I found out affair was not over, I told him to leave. He said he wanted a quick divorce and didn't love me anymore. (blah, blah, blah) So I began a more thorough exposure. Since he was leaving us, NOT exposing was more like protecting his lie and preventing him from facing natural consequences. Friends needed armed with the truth to be able to confront him in truth and love.

My FWS came home, then left again a month later. My exposure was then widened, and I was planning an even wider exposure, right before God broken him and brought a truly repentant man home.

The purpose of exposure is to bring the affair (sin) to the light of day. When light is shined onto the fantasy, its ugliness is revealed.

Wording is simple. My WS has left our family to pursue an adultrous affair. I am fighting for my family to be restored and believe that God can intervene. I ask for your support for my marriage. I also added "and help with my children" if it was someone who was involved in my children's lives.




I read:

Surviving an Affair (SAA)
Torn Usunder
Secrets Men Keep
Tough Love
and then went to the library and read even more

SAA was by far the book that helped me most in battling the affair and fighting to restore my family.

The other books were helpful, but SAA gave me a PLAN of ACTION to work toward my goal.




It is good to hear that they are doing their part. But please don't expect too much from the intervention.

There were close Christian men that confronted my FWS and spoke truth to him. But there were no immediate results. You need to be prepared emotionally for the likely possibility that this will have no effect on your WS.

Nonetheless, it is the RIGHT thing for the men of your church to do. Hopefully, if you WS eventually becomes repentant, they will be clear on what the right thing to do is then. My FWS has been welcomed back with open arms once the repentance was clear.






This is wonderful news...the Body of Christ living out the book of Acts.

Allow them to be blessed by blessing you. I am eager to help those IRL who are facing the same situation.






The pastor needs to own his part in not sheparding his flock. He did fall short. Hopefully, your situation will help him realize the IMPORTANCE of this aspect of his job.

But you WS OWNS the affair. HE made the choice. It isn't your fault, it isn't the pastor's fault. It's HIS fault.





You WS is blameshifting here. It's pretty basic WS behavior. The sure don't want to blame themselves.




These men are just avoiding conflict. They are finding excuses to NOT do what should have already been done.

Every day that passes, more damage is caused to you and your children. They need to rise up and take a stand against this horrid sin, all the while loving your husband enough to FIGHT FOR HIM.




Yes, it was.



Remember, a lot of the MB program is counter-intuitive. That means that what you NEED to do is often not what you THINK or FEEL you should do.

He is not going to contact you right now. He is a WS, with an attitude of entitlement and selfishness.

YOU need to be the one willing to FIGHT against he(( for your marriage and family.

Initiate contact with him. Tell him you would like to set up some time for him to COME OVER and visit the children. Ask him WHEN (not if), he could come for dinner.

Then, if he agrees, lets get a wonderful dinner and family evening planned out.

Can you do that? Can you make that call? That is the first step in Plan Aing.

I know FH has suggested you cannot Plan A while he is gone. I admit that his not living at him, makes Plan A more challenging, but NOT impossible. I did it. So did many others here.

The key is to set up situations to draw him back into the home as often as possible...without seeming clingy or needy youself. The fact that you have children makes that a little easier, if he will be responsible.

It MATTERS how you word things. "The children are eager to spend some time with you. You really matter to them. When can you come for dinner?" Then WAIT for his response.






No, I don't think he is testing you yet.

But if you can Plan A, then go COMPLETELY dark into Plan B, with a great Plan B letter, in about 4 weeks, he WILL test you.





That's OK. My FWS said the same thing about me during is affair. You WILL prove him wrong. My FWS knows now that I am NOT weak and NOT needy, and he KNOWS I can survive without him. He made me prove it, and I did. And so will you.

Don't worry about him thinking that right now. Just demonstrate your quiet strength in the way that you interact with him, take care of the home and the children, move foward with your life while still fighting for your family.

If he ever comes out of his wayward fog, he will see the strength you had. But he won't see it right now.




Use the dialog I said above. It is about the children needing him in their lives.