Married for 10yrs w/ 3 kids. 19 years old when married and have done much growing up since then. Successful professional that has been able to provide nice life for family, wife has stayed home with kids for past eight years. Over period of several years have become aware and resentful of controlling ways of wife, no trust, no credit for being an intelligent adult. Really more of a prison guard than partner or friend. We have been through much together, lots of ups and downs but I have never expressed my true feelings until recently. Realized 3 yrs ago that I was not happy at all but “did it for the kids”. I’m ready for it to be over but she is not. I am sure she can not change the core of who she is no matter what a shrink says. Not looking for greener grass, just being honest for the first time in a long time. Should I stay or should I go?

What did you vow to do?

You probably vowed to be there for her no matter what. You didn't vow to be there only if you were outrageously happy, right?

There is nothing wrong with saying I doubt you can do this. However, your vow is to be there, cheering her that she CAN do this, right?

And while she is doing whatever she needs to do, what is wrong with taking the Love Buster Questionare and the Emotional Needs Questionare and ask her to grade you on what you need to do better.

I doubt you were the perfect husband, so if she is doing all of this work, I think it would be a good exercise for you too to get busy on whatever you need to work on.

For two reasons:

1. She may sort out her issues and now you need to be a worthy husband.
2. You may end up divorced and not want to go down the same path, so you need to be a worthy husband for any future spouse.

Either way, there is not one of us that cannot stand some self improvement. So why not take the time she is working on herself and you do the same.

You'll have enough to do that you won't have too much time to worry about her progress or lack of progress.

I was 19 when we married and have done much growing and maturing over the past ten years. Basically, her controlling personality worked when I was 19 but now it does not. Example: she calls my office 4-8 times daily “checking in (up)”, she prohibited me from having a bachelor party, I have been out with friends once in the past 5 years. She has been a stay at home mom for the past eight years and is now going back to work part time only because of my insistence. She’s fighting for the marriage and promising to change, my question is why did she wait so long? Too little, too late? I’ve spent several years “sucking it up” but at this point I’m really not feelin it. I need some honest feedback here, am I being a jerk?
As far as being worthy, I can really say that I have. It took crisis for her admit any problem at all and for years I have suggested the problems and been evil for doing so. We are on two planets, have been for several years.

So you want to abandon your family because you are successful and she has been raising your children?


Time for you to take a good look at YOURSELF and see just what kind of disaster you are about to cause.

Not only will you lose everything, you will have to pay her and the children until they are 18.

You won't be so financially well off then and life won't be as footloose and fancy free as you are fantasizing.

This statement bothers me. Are you saying you told her she has to go back to work?

I am a SAHM of 4 and have been for the past 15 years. It is NOT an easy job and it can get very lonely. (Maybe that is why she calls you so much) Does your wife have any interests outside the home?

Sometimes it is hard to read what a poster means but I gotta tell you, your posts sound like you don't value your wife and what she does.

You are on a Marriage Building site, not a site which justifies divorce. Think about what you are suggesting.
There are tools on the MB website that can improve marriages beyond what you might have considered.
Lack of communication is typically one of the biggest struggles for couples. The questionnaires help couples find the words to help repair their marriages and make them better than they ever imagined.

No one on here would suggest divorce. The cost is far too high.
You owe it to yourself, as well as your wife and family to do all you can to repair the marriage before you ever consider divorce.

And there are articles on this site about how one person can change a marriage. So if you want things to change in your home, think about changes you yourself can make. You can only control yourself, no one else. If you change your behavior (for the better) you may find the same from your spouse.

Good Luck, and use the tools available to you.

Yes, you are being a jerk.
Take my word for this you usually get out of a marriage what you put into it. You have no idea how hard it is to be a stay at home Mom. Did you ever offer her a chance to go out with her friends and you take care of the children. Did you ever make plans and arrange everything to spend special time with just your wife.
It is so easy to blame the other person.
You need to grow up.

Why not answer my questions first, then I'll answer yours.

My questions are above, if you want the help of folks here, answer their questions.

My questions were:

1. What did you vow to do?

2. Will you work on you while she is working on herself? Will you give her the LBQ and ENQ and have her grade you to give you something to work on while she is working on her own issues?

You can tell all sorts of stories and give all sorts of justifications. But the bottom line is what will you do today?

Don't be a WAH. Support her and help her to change. Not one of us is perfect. I'm the one changing and learning in mine and my WAW can only help so much right now. I have seen the light though, now I just need to work towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Guide her and help her and stick by her. My wife stuck by me for the longest time and I didn't wake up till she didn't anymore and I don't blame her.

I really don't feel that with your extensive knowledge of me and my situation you are in the position to comment on my "fansasy" of being footloose and fancy free.

This is not about money.
This is not about her being a stay at home mom, it's a very had job that I could never claim to do as well as she has.
This is not about "freedom"

This is about years of control and manuipluation. I have spent years suggesting consuling but there was no intrest in admiting fault on the other side. That would admit a lack of control.

I know where I stand, after three years looking at myself as you suggest. My head and heart are crystal clear, self awarness is a wonderful thing. My question is not about what to do, it's about how to do it.

Her staying at home was a decision that we made together. We feel strongly that it pays dividends with regards to character development and overall well being. It's the most important job in the world. I respect anyone that makes that choice.

My issue is, they are all in school now. The plan had always been for her to return to work when the kids were in school. She has done nothing to prepare or show intrest in making this happen. We recently had a situation where we needed a second income to offset some additional housing expenses. Again, no action. I would never suggest that she does not work hard but effort is a powerful message.

I feel that I am well above average as far as husbands go. I cook dinner every night, dishes, all adult laundry, cleaning, kids activites, ect.

She has no intrests outisde the home only because she does not persue any. No reply is needed, just thought you should see how wrong you were with your comment on not valuing her and what she does. It's probably more the other way around.

Can you honestly type those words as you propose to leave your wife and your family? Get real with yourself.
You can only change you. If you truly love your kids work on your marriage. That is the best gift you can give everyone.

It's hard to believe that someone has done so much work on themselves but can't make it work.
To us, it sounds like you've never even tried.

There are ways to draw your spouse back into the marriage, and they are all about changing your behavior, not hers. If you change how you treat her, she will likely change her ways toward you too. Treat her as you vowed you would.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Andyyo...

I don't think you're wrong in your marriage--I think you're resentful. And normal.

Would you consider the ultimate best scenario would be for you to be in love with the mother of your children?

Rather than focus on how to take the first step to taking your family apart...would you consider focusing on learning about this very difficult state of marriage, instead? Learning about ENs, LB's, how you create and build resentment...and the cost to you of maintaining it?

The second stage of marriage...where you get down to real intimacy (or not) can be stress-filled and frightening...and going through it completely is the only way to get to the third stage.

Many, many people on MB over the years have come to MB, like you, in this time...like a season of discontent, pain, frustration, resentment...you're not alone.

Your wife, most likely, is in the same place emotionally, as well. Love bank long overdrawn (like yours...for different reasons)...and to me, I'd guess depression may also have been a factor for her.

You both are on the cusp of new changes...her working again, and wanting to work on the marriage...and neither of you may feel like you're about to fall in love again...

do it anyway.



Welcome. You sound to me like a man who wants to be able to look his future 18-year-old in the eyes and proudly say, "I did everything I could to give you what's most important...an intact family. I fought for you--even myself."

Not a doormat (no intimacy in that); not a walk-away-husband, either. You sound like you're ready for really big changes...and the last thing you want to have happen is that you divorce, find another "better suited", and get to where you can't stand her again in eight years...which is what happens...again and again...when you don't look at what attracts you, how you feel secure, in love, and where you stop looking out for your partner above yourself...not following the rules of time, care, joint agreement and protection.

We are doomed to repeat, aren't we, when we don't really examine...just tell ourselves the story of our marriages?

I learned that what once attracted us will also be our undoing as a couple. Did you find your take-charge wife, at 19, someone you admired, trusted, felt immensely safe and wholly loved.

And the way we love at that age is more like parenting than partnering. So when we continue what worked...it works until it doesn't...means we're ready to learn how to love by partnering.

Tough on the emotionally dyslexic like me.

Worth every struggle and triumph. I promise. Harley teaches us how to partner, with ownership, awareness...and hold ourselves to what we vowed to ourselves. And thrive.

You're half of everything in the marriage...though your perspective right now may not be giving you the feeling that you are. You remain half...of everything within the marriage. Only and all of your half. Can't be more or less.

Sounds to me like you're ready to move out of the control/blame game (which is how we parent from fear); and learn to act from love and have the experience of it as the partner you already are.

LA

This was our plan also but things change. Here we are nearing the end of the school year and I still have not gotten a job. I haven’t even looked. There is no time for me to work because after I drop off the last child at school it is 3 hours before I pick up the first one. So DH and I thought outside the box. Our church was looking for a volunteer to do the weekly bulletin. It is done in a software package I was not familiar with so it was a great way to get experience to build up my resume. I have been doing it for over a year and I love it. It gives me more confidence and gets the cobwebs out of my SAHM mush brain. I think there is more going on with your wife that you are unaware of. I think she is STUCK. She needs to get unstuck and a great way to do that would be positive encouragement. Maybe she hasn’t gone out looking for a job because she doesn’t know where to start. Perhaps you both can sit down and discuss what jobs would be a good fit for her. Maybe she could work at the school so she can keep the same hours as the kids. Build her up on what she does well.


You have a lot of resentment towards your wife. In your words here you state you don’t think she is doing her fair share. You may be right, we are only getting your side of things so we have to put the pieces together to get the big picture. You said you have been trying for 3 years but what you have been trying clearly isn’t working for you. The question is what are you doing about it? Do you want to be married? Are you willing to give it another try using different methods to see what results you get?

Lovinganyway gave you great advice. Would you be willing to at least take it in for the sake of your family?

You sound exactly like my husband. He feels the same way that you do.....BUT he would never EVER come to marriage builders to find an answer. The fact that you are here alone means two things:

1. You really do care about her and want to make the best decision to make you marriage stronger ( which is the one that everyone would like to think). It also means that you have enough motivation to make your marriage work. LEt her know what you have done what you want to do to save your marriage.

or

2. You are looking for someone to validate that your wife is awful so that you do not have to feel the guilt of the divorce. Ultimately, it is your decision. Your choice affects your whole family....choose wisely.

If you want to know what your wife is thinking, I am pretty confident that it goes something like this:

I love my H so much, but he never want sto spend time with me. He is interested in personal time and that is most important. When does he allow me to have time with him??? When am I special? (Specifically when does he go out of his way to show me that caring that I need) It is simply a matter of meeting her needs.

good luck !!!

What have you been doing for the past 3 years that made you realize that you need this kind of life instead of being with your wife now? Is it to do with your 'bachelorhood' lifestyle or mixing with 'singles' that made you think otherwise?

Please do not fall into this trap, think really hard before you consider a divorce with your faithful wife. She really needs your support to raise up your children.

Andy - I'd like to add my thoughts if I may.

I'm 45 and was a sahm for 12 years. Prior to that, I did work full time for 7 or so years. Now I work at home part time, but frankly am thinking of quitting and being a sahm for a few more years before re-entering the work force, probably full time, until retirement.

I'd like to throw out the idea that your wife has never really had an opportunity to feel productive outside the raising of your children and keeping the house up.

I honestly feel, having known both sides of the issue, that something happens to a woman's self esteem when she starts to see her husband rise up the corporate ladder and her children get older and start school.

She starts to become insecure. This may explain the phone calls and the 'need' to micromanage your comings and goings. She may feel inferior from a professional standpoint. She may have regrets regarding college and career at this point in her life.

From my own experience, going back to work, even full time, had caused more havoc and upheaval in our family than I ever imagined. I'm now trying part time, but our house is often a mess. Laundry is left undone, as are dishes. I'm left feeling even worse because for years I kept a nice house, and I had time for my kids. Now...I feel like I'm not doing a good job at being a homemaker/mom OR at my job. Our household is almost always under some level of stress. Just because I am here, doesn't mean I am 'here.' In other words, everything I do, job wise, is time-sensitive - aka stressful, and I'm about spent by the time everyone comes filing home and wanting one-on-one time, conversation, and this or that for dinner.

I'm not sure it's fair for women to be expected to split their lives and their interests in half like that, at least not until their children are in high school and can stay home alone if necessary. I don't think women are easily capable of putting their children second, and this means that while they may be working - they aren't going to be able to give that job their all. In the end, she's likely to end up feeling like she COULD be doing a better job at one or the other but can't. As a person - a whole person - how would that make any of us feel? Isn't it everyone's incessant need to excel at SOMETHING?

So, keep that in mind - that just because your children are in school - that doesn't mean life is going to get easier. Although there may be a little more money - there is gas, clothes for work, lunches, pass-the-office-hat syndrome, and possibly a higher tax bracket to suck some (if not most) of her paycheck away anyway.

If anything, she may do well to take one or two classes at a local college now to build her self esteem and give her confidence. Or...to take 1 course at a time until she feels the children are fairly independent and she is capable of returning to work. There are some courses she can take that would give her a career in a short time - Real Estate being one idea.

So, to summarize - I think your wife lacks self esteem, self respect, and self confidence. Really. Some of that may nor not have been contributed to things you have said or done. Regardless, it's worth considering and correcting on your part, if it IS a possibility; I'm not saying it is.

And also...I would hate to see you throw your marriage away and hurt your sweet kids in this way. You will find that marriages really do evolve, and if you stick it out, and help each other continue to develop and bring out the best in each other, boosting each other up and supporting each other in that, you'll be glad you stuck around.

We had a similar plan as you and your wife, but until you actually have the children and try to execute such a plan, you really don't know how difficult it is. It may be necessary to regroup and rethink your strategy and tweak your plan a bit or allow her to go back to school to prePARE for returning back to work. This isn't just to teach her a trade but also to build her confidence and allow her to ease into socializing with other adults and learn to realize that she can be happy with a wider social circle and still feel good about what she's able to get done at home.

andy, I don't know if you're still reading, but I thought I'd mention something I saw in your first posts. You say she is controlling, that she 'prevented' you from having a bachelor party. So you've been resentful for 10 years from the very start; common for a 19 year old, which is too young to get married. BUT it also tells me that you allowed her to control you. You probably have FOO issues that prevent you from confronting issues head on, you just cave and do what people tell you to do, but secretly fume inside about the injustice of what you're being 'forced' to do.

The true answer here, I think, is for you to learn to do what you need to do to keep yourself happy, while learning what makes your wife happy, since obviously neither of you is.

There's a really good book I'd like you to read. It's called Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. by Wayne Levine (http://bettermen.org/) and it tells how to be able to have what you want out of life while still engaging in a fulfilling marriage.

I challenge you to read this book before deciding if you really want to leave your family to sow your wild oats.

If nothing else, please quit using the excuse that your wife controls you to justify leaving. People are only controlled if they allow it. If you just want to leave, leave. But don't blame your wife for something she has no control over - you.

well, if no one is supposed to comment on you, why are you here?

First, if you are unhappy, which is fine, then you tell your W why you are unhappy, and what you would like to do about it. in other words, give her a chance to change, give her a chance to grow, especially if you have kids.

If you DONT have kids, then by all means, you don't like your marriage, divorce her, kick her to the curb, and get the hell out. . .

otherwise,
why are you here?

wiftty