Wish I didn't have to go looking for a site like this.. but I found out 3 days ago that my husband has been cheating on me for the last 3 years at least.

I got very suspicious after my computer broke and I asked to use his for that night. He refused to give me his password (he was at work, i was at home) and this sent up enormous red flags. We never had anything to hide from eachother. I trusted him completely and never had problems with him looking at porn. So his excuses made no sense. He eventually gave me a guest login to his computer thinking he had hidden everything but I'm fluent with computers (it's what i do for a living) so it wasn't difficult to find what he didn't want me to see. months and months of conversations with many different women.

I never even looked at our cell phone bill details until now. And I pay all our bills so it had always been there for me to look at. I just never felt that I had any reason to doubt his fidelity.

I thought we had something solid, something really really good and I never doubted that he loves me. (strangely i still don't doubt that he loves me) But ... something must have been wrong. I don't know.

We have 2 kids. one is almost 5, the other just turned 2. I feel bad for them. If I decide I can't be with him anymore, I know our oldest will suffer. She loves her dad. And I know my husband will be devastated if I left him, but his feelings aren't at the top of what i care about right now.

I found out friday night, cried my eyes out. I confronted him with what I found right away, he tried to deny it, but not for long. He then said it was only 2 women after saying in the same breath "no more lies". the next day (yesterday) I found it was at least 4 or 5 women, then he came clean and admitted to 8 or 9. Then is saying that he's got a sex addiction. I neither buy it nor do i want to hear it.

Right now, he's at a hotel. we both don't work mondays, and I ddin't want to have to deal with his constant presence in the house. I took the kids with me to visit family yesterday and we were out for 12 hours, came home and he had left like i asked by then.

Right now I feel devastated, but I also feel like something woke me up. I admit I haven't been the most affectionate wife physically, but I always wanted to connect with him emotionally, but he didn't. It seemed like all he was interested in was sex. If I didn't want to give it, then he didn't bother himself too much with getting near me. He'd talk to them on the computer while i was sitting right next to him. many times i tried to talk to him and he'd give me one word answers and keep talking on the computer instead. I just felt he was absent emotionally, but never thought he was cheating. Never. I joked about things, but was never serious. This caught me by complete surprise.

When I first found out 3 days ago, I felt like i had already forgiven him. I was having trouble letting the information sink in. But now the more I think about it, as time passes, and because he's not around, I feel that I'm more at peace with the thought of being without him. Which is an odd feeling.

So far, he tells me he has broken all contact with the most recent interlude of 2 years, which btw, he has been with her plus many many others having threesomes and whatnot.
He's apologizing profusely , deleted his profiles on those websites where he found them, deleted their pics from his laptop, their messages from his cell phone, hasn't even used his computer when he was home saturday night. But he works with computers so he's always in front of one. Has to be.

I can't trust him anymore. And I can't be the wife who needs to nose around all his 'private' stuff to make sure he's not cheating anymore. If I concede to that life, it will be a yet another sacrifice I've made that goes against who I want to be, who I am. The thought of breaking away from him and learning to live alone again AND raise my kids alone is scary, but it is also a thought that has me feeling empowered. Instead of feeling like that pile of [censored] sitting on a couch while he's arranging another meeting with the other woman right next to me.

He'll be back from the hotel tonight or tomorrow morning to take care of the kids while i work. (he works nights) But I don't know what will happen after that. He wants to go to counseling and is begging me to give him another chance. And I would do it in a second if I can get a guarantee that it will never happen again. But nobody can give me that guarantee, not even him.

So what do i do? I can't even bear the thought of him seeing me naked anymore.

I'm sorry for your pain Taken. I also felt the fool.

My story is somewhat similar. My wife had multiple sexual contacts (no affairs, because she just let men abuse her). There were no dinners, flowers or sweet talk. There was sex in cars, cheap motels and with men she just met.

Sex addiction usually has some underlyng cause. I would suggest you read Don't Call it Love. A book about sexual addiction. I can't remember the author.

I would add my personal opinion about porn in the marriage. I am coming from a religious point of view (full disclosure). I believe porn demeans a partner. If a husband needs porn for gratification that takes away from the spouse. He is yours completely and you are his. There should be no 3rd party.

Forgiveness does not come in 3 days (Oh how I wish it did). Give yourself time. You deserve it. No matter what his reasons for cheating, they are not your fault!

I'll pray for your marriage.

Hi Iam, thanks for replying to me.

He's doing everything he can to prove to me that he is serious about trying to repair our marriage. I wasn't sure before but now I'm leaning more towards trying to repair it. It had only been 4 days and our oldest daughter is already displaying signs that she knows what's going on. And I'm thinking that if I'm supposed to put the kids first, I should try to repair things with him.

he's changed his cell phone number, his aim id, deleted all of his accounts, given me the password to his computer, let me check his cell phone, is checking in with me to prove that he's telling me the truth about where he is.

He stayed in a hotel for 2 days and is back home now. He wants me to go to marriage counseling with him and was pushing for it, but I haven't said yes or no. I need to be sure I want to try things with him again first. I have my own issues I need to resolve too. Depression, non-existent libido. etc. but anyway... time will tell.

btw, sorry for the curse word in the first post.

For your children's sake and yours, the first thing you should both to is see a doctor. If he is truly repentant and wants his marriage he should have no issue doing so. Do not let him tell you that is not necessary!

taken,

So sorry that you are here. I am dealing with some of the same things that you shared in your story. None of his EA's turned to PA's (I've found no evidence anyway).

It is an addiction though and if you are familiar with addiction, it is not as easy as dealing with a ONS or an EA or PA, IMHO.

Addictions show up over and over and over again. If he is in the computer field, he will be tempted. Stresses will tempt him, etc. etc.

He needs to get into an SA support group.

It appears from the outside looking in that he is willing to have full disclosure which is a plus, but be so very careful. I have experienced blind sided disappointment after disappointment for the last 6 years and although it may have gotten fewer and farther in between, it still continues and when another D-day occurs, all the old ugly stuff comes back up to relive and it hurts like heck!

Good luck and God Bless, take care of you!!!

Taken,

Welcome, sorry you are here.

Something that needs to be done/asked.. Were any of your WH OW's married themselves? If so, their spouses need to know ASAP so they can start to deal/heal and get tested themselves.

You might also post this to General Questions that part of the forum gets more traffic.

God Bless, we are here with you.

NRO

Hi,

So sorry that you are here. You are in for a long ride whether you decide to remain married or pursue divorce.

The first order of business is to get you and your husband to a Dr. and get tested for STDs. It is unfair that you have to do this and it will probably be embarrassing. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about . . . your husband’s actions caused this and you are the victim to his actions. Do not let him talk you out of this. His behavior could threaten your life.

If you have even a glimmer of interest in staying married you will probably need some outside help. Certainly you husband does. I do not make diagnosis of people, but he really should needs to examine why he is doing these things and see if he indeed has an addiction problem.

Finally, it is difficult finding a therapist that has experience in infidelity and is pro-marriage. The Harleys are both of these and perhaps you should consider calling them for some help. It is a lot cheaper than divorce.

One more thing, I think it is a good start that your husband is now being transparent with you. This needs to continue. Your marriage has had enough secrets

A GREAT BIG BEAR HUG TO YOU! I know the pain you feel and how alone you are feeling. Unless anyone has gone through this, they cannot understand what you are feeling or give you realistic advice (unless they are the Harleys). This board is a good place for understanding people.

Wow, your story is so very similar to mine! Three months ago I was also blindsided by my husband's multiple SAs with women he picked up from porn sites. I work PT and while I am home at night with my 3 year old, he was supposedly working late but many nights he was actually out f'ing these women. He was carrying this secret life on for 2+ years (at least). He had a day job and was working his business at night out of a small shop 15 miles away. He would work late into the night, come home and get up for work. I started to get some suspicions when he'd come home drunk and smelling like cigarettes and the bar. Other triggers and odd feelings about him started to come over me.

I started checking of his laptop and had some pro help with some other research and surveillance. Finally, I confronted him 3/1/08 this year - his 40th birthday. It was the first time we had a chance to be alone and a GF of mine watched our 3 year old all night. I figured if we were going to have a blow-out, best that my sweet little boy not be home.

I got tested for STDs; I'm still waiting on some of the results. I still want H to go get tested - even though he says he always used a condom, he was given and got oral too and you can STILL get STDs according to my doctor.

It's very complicated, the feelings you have when you find out what they've done right under your nose. The anger, hatred, loathing, sickness...it's all so unbelievably devastating. The pain I have felt was so much like the grief and disbelief I had when my Dad died.

Words of warning: I hope you read the 'Surviving an Affair' book right away. Your "Taker" is in control right now. Also, your friends and family, if you've told any of them, will be even worse "Takers". They want to protect you but they will probably not give you any positive viewpoints for recovery in your marriage. My friends literally yelled at me and drove me nuts about not kicking him out. My family doesn't even know. That would have spelled divorce for sure.

The only reason I decided to work on my marriage is that I knew I was not giving him what he needed. I have self esteem and I do not condone his actions at all. The fact that he did that instead of saying, let's get help now because I WANT TO CHEAT and if we can't work on our marriage, I am afraid I will.

We LB'd eachother all the time and I was not attracted to him anymore for sex because I was not getting MY needs met. My H has high needs for admiration, affection and SF but I was giving him none because my own love tank was on empty. After years of him struggling with his business, causing us to declare bankruptcy and the constant fighting about money...I was not "in love" or in the mood, ever. Still, I loved him and NEVER imagined it was THIS bad. I think he felt like a failure in business and at home as a provider. His need to be someone else for a while coupled with his needs for sex and affection made him weak and allowed him to justify his actions.

Like you, I was not sure I could take it and there are days I still wonder. Now and then I find one more tidbit of info and I ask him about it. He will answer me honestly and it is painful but I need to know the truth. It opens up the wound again when stuff pops up and I get sick to my stomach thinking about the stuff he did with those whores. (Sorry for the harsh language but that's the only word I know to properly describe women who have profiles on porn sites are that have sex with multitudes of virtual strangers, men, women and orgies.)

We have read the HNHN & SAA books (although he is still too busy trying to keep up with the obligations of his business.) We have made okay progress but I would like much more. We still have so much to do on the worksheets and to read LB.

Things we did toward recovery:
1. Permanently cancelled his profiles on these porn sites while I watched. Cancelled the card he signed up with. I open all bank statements.
2. We cancelled texting and internet access on phones. (he texted a lot!)
3. Gave me all his bank account, e-mail and etc. passwords
4. I check all phone records.
5. On his own without my prompting, he deleted all the "fake names" in his phone book of the girls he called.
6. Told 2 of the women he was having relations with to NC him when they called and that he loves his wife and we are getting help. He has had NC with any sites, girls, etc. I have checked phone records and they have not called since. I know all the numbers he should be calling. I still check the PC.

He says he is committed to our marriage and I want to believe him. So far he has shown me no reason to believe otherwise and our dialogue has been better than ever. He also knows he has little to none of my trust. He knows only time will prove him out.

It has been hard but I am working on fulfilling his EN and he mine. My EN are still not really being met because Financial Security and quality time are high on the list - neither of which are being met appropriately.

Sad to say but in the beginning of recovery, I had to drink a few glasses of wine before meeting his SF needs - the thought of him with those other women made me sick and it was the only way I could relax enough to enjoy it and briefly forget. I do still love him...so it was not utterly repulsive...but it was the unbelievable jealously and horrible visuals that just threw me!

I still live in fear that this may be an addictive tendency of his and if stress or strain reappears, he'll go back to his old ways. Now that I am paranoid, I realize that he could still carry on with these types of women if he chose to. He could get more pop3 e-mails that I don't know about. He could get a disposable pay-as-you-go phone. He could make up new anonymous profiles that are not so obvious. He could get another credit card and a PO Box. There are a lot of things they can do.

The other side of me hopes that this won't happen because we will work on our marriage and we will be so close that it will be next to impossoble for him to have a second life and that he won't want one.

I hope I am not being naive and that the problem is not deeper. Only time will tell.

The facts are, people like us who live through this can choose to end it and carry on alone. Eventually, we might want to get involved with someone new. Then we will always wonder if they too have little secrets or addictions we don't know about. How will you ever really know. So, if you have any love at all for your husband and he TRULY wants to work things out, you should try. Too many people get divorced and you have little ones who will be deeply affected.

If your husband is unwilling to do EVERYTHING needed for his and your recovery it may not work. If he is willing - you should definitely try. I think that Dr. Harley's books, worksheets and programs are the best thing for making that possible.

Best wishes to you and God Bless!