I thought I was the pot.

Anyway, despite my posting, in general terms, I'm doing well. This feeling has been an undercurrent for a while now, on and off, for probably two years. I am illin, and I think that brings things closer to the surface on those days.

I know this will take time, and, God willing, I've got plenty of it.

Hello, Mr. Black.

And exactly what is a system anal-yst?

Fox

Well, let me tell you, it's a pretty cr@ppy job
some think I'm nutty
some think I'm corny

EEEWWWW!!!

You're edit line is right...flush 'em.

Fox

you made the right choice for your son as well SL.

Living like that was no example for him. Living in a home where daddy said mean things to mommy, where daddy didn't love mommy or do things with her. Where daddy cheated. None of those are good examples for your son.

You NOW have a chance to show him what a relationship is supposed to look like. You will choose more wisely next time.

You didn't just do it for you, you did it for him too.

I know because I did it for mine.

It has nothing to do with lying in the bed you made. You have a child to set an example for. Your marriage, as it was, just like mine, was no good example for a child.

mlhb

i hear you, mlhb.

I didn't say my line of thinking was logical, or even sane, just is. I've been living IN this muck for three years, so it's going to take some time to turn that thinking around. The abuse to my psyche is obvious, even to me. I had higher expectations of myself, in a situation like this. I said I would leave a person who would do this to me, and I didn't, not for a long time. I allowed the behavior to continue in my life, because I kept taking him back, hoping he'd be different, hoping he was a garden variety wayward, with values that he was IGNORING. My radar was smashed to bits, because I never figured him to turn out just like his mother. HE seemed disgusted with her behavior. The apple just doesn't fall that far from the tree.

I agree with your assessment, and I agree that I have the opportunity to do better.

WOOOOOOSSSHHHH!!


Now back to SL

Girl, you be illin, but soon, God willin, you be chillin and grillin


my jokes are killin

oh SL, out sitches are soooo dreadfully similar.

I did the same things you did. I took it for 4 years! And, like you, said I would never tolerate such things. You are not alone on that one. I kept thinking he would change, or that eventually he would want to work things out, etc... would see his family was the most important thing. I did not want to believe he was this evil monster. I wanted to believe he was the man I first met. That THAT was who he really was. But it wasn't. I think who he is now, is who he is. So, I have some work to do on my picker as well. Even the now exbf, who I thought was SOOOOO different then my ex, in many ways, was not. On the surface maybe he was, but underneath, he had a lot of the same qualities. I worry about my picker. That is why I am in no big rush to be out dating again.

I relate, trust me I do.

and the apple does not fall far at all. My exes bio father and his adoptive father (step father who adopted him and raised him)both had affairs! Both did not treat women with a whole lot of respect. And were both quite arrogant. He is just like them in many ways. And boy, he claims he never wanted to be. That old nature vs. nurture. My experience is that nature wins out. God help and save our sons!

mlhb

After reading your posts for a little while, I agree, mlhb. It is unfortunate that we find ourselves with so many similarities. Why couldn't you be independently wealthy with a down to earth, loving husband. Now THAT I would like to have in common.

I like how you phrase your 'picker' is broken. THat is how I feel. I worry who I would choose next time around. What's really tough is knowing that even the apples that come from great, solid trees can be rotten at the core. Apples that come from diseased trees can be good all around, from unfortunate circumstances. *I* AM one of those apples, so I know. Coming from the bad tree may have made me a poor picker, though. ZOIKS!

It is a struggle to admit that PWC is now who he always was at the core. I still want to believe he's better than all of this, but just needs more reality to set in before he has his awakening. I'm not so confident in that, anymore.

Save our sons, indeed. I've wondered what effect this will have on my son and his future. Nothin to do but wait and try to be a good influence myself.

Hey SL, If you have time, can you please check out KLB's Plan B letter and give some feedback. I am SO NO expert.

will do.

Good morning, ladies.

I'm not sure I would worry so much about your pickers. Unless, of course, it is the nose kind and you don't need that anyway.

There were some good years, right? You have wonderful children with the men you picked, right? Those children is where you will find the GOOD in your husbands. Those children are part of BOTH of you - the best of each.

You made the best decision on a mate that you could at the time with what you knew. Now you know better. You'll be more watchful, you'll be more fearful. But those qualities that made you fall in love were not WRONG.

Your spouses made bad choices. They are not BAD men.

You are incredibly intelligent women, trust yourselves. .

IMHO, your picker will automatically adjust according to your experiences. I don't think it's something you need to "work" on. KWIM.

Hope you have a great day!

Fox

Very well stated Fox!!! And I totally agree FWIW!!!!

Thanks for posting that Foxy, my voice of reason.

I thought that was me doggonediggidynabbit!!!

Nope. You are the satirical voice. That's your job, so stop complainin!

Sometimes I accidently say something worthwhile. Don't worry, chris, your title is safe.

I know I will certainly choose differently. I'm no longer that 18 year old girl that wasn't able to see outside of my own little world. I had no really good relationship role models and I was kind of winging it as I went.

I accepted way to little from WH right from the start. THAT won't be happening again. I can guarantee you that. At the time, I was not aware of what I was settling for and the precedent I was setting for the rest of our relationship.

I think our pickers grow and change with us. As experiences and needs develop over time - our pickers hopefully mold with them.

What I thought I needed at 18 is not the same as what I am CERTAIN I need at 34. I am much more capable of communicating now than I was then. And the FEAR of being left is actually much less than it used to be. Because I KNOW I can make it on my own.

The fear of making waves and causing dissension kept me from confronting treatment early on in the marriage that I knew wasn't right and hurt me deeply. I believe now that NOT confronting those little issues early on helped pave the way for where I sit now.

So....I think my picker's good, but I need to work on my boundaries.

Fox

I've read a lot about boundaries and have established some quite well. There will always be work to do in that area, because you cannot set boundaries for situations and things that have not occurred. I will be armed with the information, that's all I can do for now.

I am reading about boundaries with kids. As I'm reading, I find that I have a good base with DS, but some little things need work, on my part.

I don't fear abandonment. It's happened and I'm okay, so I have no reason to fear it, never did really. I always have me. I don't NEED someone to keep me from being lonely or bored. I've done lonely and bored and gotten thru that, too. I'm evolved.

My momma always said "you can do poorly on your own, you don't need anybody's help". From the time I was about 5, I understood what she meant. I'm glad to have taken the chances to recover, and sad that it didn't work, but I'm finished 'doing poorly together'. I'm preparing myself for better things.

Good to hear, SL, good to hear.



Fox

I am reading the Harry Dresden series by Jim Butcher. Not quite the same but fun stuff.

My only boundary issues now involve the raccoons getting in the back yard pond.