At what point do we all really reach reality and say to ourselves that the reality of the situation and events that are happening become fact and start changing our view of what will happen in the future? How exactly do you protect your current and emotional well being while still putting everything you can into trying to save your marriage only to be rebuffed?

EZB:

I was just asking myself the same thing!!!!!

H is flip-flopping now after I have made 5 months of effort to recovery after his A. Says he is afraid to make wrong choice like he now doesn't know what he wants. Says he hasn't been giving me full effort on his part. What has changed now when in Jan. he was so adamant that his A was wrong?

I question too, when does reality set in and I move on? How long do I let him jerk me around and milk this out causing me more pain??

I think there's many factors that need to be considered but obviously point of perspective (meaning is it the H or the W taalking) is the biggest one. Throw in the fact that there's friends, family, counselors, coworkers, OP, supposed "greener pastures" and whatever else there might be lending advice or help and it gets very confusing. When your the one that has this in your life it's hard to disern what your hearing from others, factoring in their interests, past experiences (which might or might not even resemble your situation or issues) and possible future connections (romantic or not). Going outside the marriage to get help can sometimes be more damaging then helpful.

Hearts,

Is he milking it though? Does he really even know or is it just a game so he can see whatss best for him? Thats a hard part for me right now to try to weigh into it I know that.

There has to be some point in time where things do more harm then good right? As in to the marriage itself that is.

I really don't know what's going on. He told me a month ago that he wasn't making 100% effort for recovery and with the extreme efforts I've put into this..he owes me that much. You see..H is the world's biggest procrastinator. Why should he work to make an effort to feel love for me when he can go thru his days with his needs taken care of. If I cause a stink, he will spend some time on me but then back to old habits. Would laundry be a lovebuster if I made him do his own? I have to make an extra trip to the laundrymatte to do laundry and it's not an easy feat but one he doesn't have to do. He goes to work, and then home for homecooked meals and a quiet evening. See..no effort needed.

As for IC, he feels that MC and IC aren't helping much. They make him talk but don't offer any answers. H wants answers handed to him on a silver plate and in a way where he is never the "heavy". He can't handle being the one in the role of causing hurt even tho HE had the A. Says he had to make himself happy because no one else was, and he left after D-Day because I told him to get out. You see..it's easier to blame me still.

It really hurts not knowing whats going on and even more so when you can't ask and get aa straight answer and know it's the truth. My WAW won't let me close to her. We had dinner and watched a movie last night and I was happy to get a few rubs, hugz and holding her knee during the movie but it was obvious, or so it felt to me, that I was being pushy. She won't even so much as talk about her feelings because shes scared she'll get hurt again. I hope I don't seem like the silver plate guy, been working on this day and night for 2 months now with only hours off to do the things I have to do and an occassional couple of drinks at the local hole all the time having no idea where she lives and what she does. She could be living with someone already for all I know all I have is my faith and trust in believing in her and what she says all the while knowing she doesn't or caan't allow herself to believe in me or our marriage.

Hearts it's rough. I can imagine it's much rougher for you to hold on if he's the offender. I took away attention and affection from my WAW for awhile before she moved out. I didn't mean for things to start being the way they were but I do know one thing and that is they will never be that way again, whether we reconsile or not, but she just can't oen herself up to believing in that fact. I guess if it's really too late then it's too late and that blame is on me but I hope and pray every day it isn't and I hope my efforts can be rewarded and she can once again accept my love and return hers.

H_A

Wow, when did it become your "job" to make him happy? And if he wasn't happy he should have said something. Happiness comes from within anyway, no one person can "make you happy" right? At least that's the way I look at life now. I guess one of the biggest things I learned from my husbands A is to be true to who you are and if someone loves you enough then things will be ok, but of course we have to love ourselves enough first. If you don't feel like doing his laundry then make him do it himself, if you don't feel like cooking him dinner make him cook it. Marriage is a 2 way street and you shouldn't feel like he's taking advantage of you. I am all for LB but if you aren't getting good results then it's time to try something else.
As far as blaming you and you alone for his affair-- marriage and all committed relationships are a 2 way street. Give and take. Good luck H_A, be strong.

Thanks for the words of support, MJ and EZB.


Tonight may be a turning point. DS is off to a class trip this week so won't be interrupting and we need to get things aired out. I can't be in limbo any longer as it hurts too much......

Hearts:

I thought MB was the silver plate? It gives us the tools and the know how to move forward and rebuild. Either he's on board with you or not. Good luck.

Sounds like your coming out of the fog. Now if only we could. Best of luck and wish me the same I'm gonna need it I believe.

Well...........

Confrontation over, truths are revealed, and H sees what he

needed to see for a long time but couldn't thru the fog. I guess

plan B is gonna have to commence soon.

H and I spoke tonight and he has admitted (finally) that he has never made the choice between me and OW thru these past 5 months of what I felt was supposed to be a healing time. I have spent 5 months getting jerked around and he only made 1/2 effort and now finally has admitted the truth. He says he's not ready to give her up yet and so cannot make the choice between us. He has moved back to his parents' home for now. He has promised NOT to go see OW and resume the A. Says he needs time away to work things out in his mind. I made it clear as day that if he does have sex with OW again, our life together is over for good. I will not be tested again for stds. I told him how degrading it is to have to tell doctor that H screws around so I need to be checked. He has promised me that he will not visit her and I made it also clear that he promised not only me but the MC to keep NC and if he breaks the promise to me then he is also breaking the promise to her.

I am the only one following the MB principles. I have gotten so many answers here when I got none from MC. I relay information to H and he could see the truth behind the principles and in his way he got some answers too, but he's been dealing with being selfish for so long and only thinking of himself, that I don't think he's ready to give it up. With this in mind....he no longer lives with us. He asked if he could phone me to talk and I said it was okay but if he keeps dragging this out too long I am going to plan B and moving on. I had to explain what plan b is and he got another reality check that I would be strong enough to do this. I need to be strong enough to do this if not for me and our marriage then for some stability for my DS! The poor kid is being jerked around too with H's comings and goings.