My husband and I are still considered "newly weds" to most yet I feel as though I've already been through a lifetime of pain. Let me preface that he is my life, my everything. He's a wonderful man and loves me dearly. As many I'm sure say, 95% of him is perfect yet that 5% will be the death of us. I of course have my own quirks but there is a huge difference between normal, marital pains that every day couples work through and those that are not shared and have no reason of being yet are still present. I fell that only a novel could explain all we've been through. Long story short.....my husband is a wonderful man but has delusional episodes. I can look the wrong direction and he thinks I'm not only looking at another man but that other man and I are having an affair and that I will, in the end, leave him. This is NOT TRUE. It's so hard to even attempt to explain but I'm reaching out, writing for the first time on any forum, seeking help of any kind. I love my husband more than anything. Infidelity is a mutual agreed upon deal break prior to marriage. I AM NOT UNFAITHFUL yet I live with constant accusations of it. I am defending myself to realities that are only in his mind. I don't know what to do! We've been in therapy for awhile yet he still doubts. It's even come to me taking a lie detector test (which of course I passed) and still the doubt remains. What do you do when your spouse, the one you love, has no trust? What do you do when you have defend against something with no validity? Please, anyone, help me.

Stick to this thread now...

No IM...

Wow - how long did you date before you married? Was he like this while you were dating?

Has he ever been abusive? I only ask because his behavior is one of the hallmarks of abusive men.

I agree, those are abusive traits. They could also be traits of mental illness. BUT they could also be traits of immaturity. My H was so insecure the first few years of our marriage he controlled everything I did out of fear of me deciding I didn't really love him. We eventually grew out of that, but it took getting older.

How old are you two? How long together? Other partners before each other? Family background? Any other signs of abuse? Here's a good website of traits of an abusive personality, to see if he fits in there: abusive personalities

IF your husband has NOT abused you yet, you can all but bet that it is in your future unless he gets some SERIOUS help.
What he is doing is typical of an abuser....he is testing boundaries and will push them further and further as time goes on.
Your husband is facing demons that have riddled his self esteem with so many holes that he will feel the need to control his surroundings in an unhealthy manner. A certain amount of jealousy is appropriate and protective...what your husband is displaying is paranoid and very controlling.
Frankly, there are a few things that must happen immediately in order for you to take control of this situation.
Realize YOU are NOT the cause of his issues.
YOU cannot fix his issues by being perfect enough. He will always have a problem with something.
You should NOT bring children into this situation unless there are major changes.
If his pattern does not change and he refuses help, move out until he does so. He will need you to be strong enough to walk away if this doesn't change. He is weak...and deep down inside he knows it. Real strength comes from being able to hold your partner with an open palm..not a closed fist.

Worth repeating...you cannot fix this. He needs help and YOU need to take control of your own life by setting appropriate boundaries. NEVER again engage in these delusional conversations or offer anything more than a healthy reassurance. He will BEG for this comfort by lashing out. Do not give in...otherwise he will learn that acting out gives him the payoff he so desperately "feels" he needs.

Go talk to a counselor and get some help for you.

BTW, I am assuming that YOU have not cheated on your H???

No...never. Our therapist says the accusations are verbal abuse but nothing physical.

Did you go look at that website I posted? What do you think?

When did the accusations start?
How long have you known each other?
How long have you been married?
Do you have any kids?
How old are the two of you?
Has there been any infidelity in your relationship or in past relationships for either of you?

Did you both take a lie detector test or just you?
When I read your post the first thing I thought of was HE had an affair and he is deflecting it on you. If he had one then he is thinking you must have had one. If you did it would ease his guilt.

You assume correctly. I HAVE NOT cheated on him. He comes from a father who left to get cigs and never came back as well as a broken first marriage where his wife left him for his best friend. I can understand his fear but I can not understand how after proving myself time and again that I am a good women and have absolutely zero in common with the first wife that he can't see it. This is where the mental illness comes in. Our therapist is amazing but he has to chose the right path. We're a few months out from an appointment with one of the top psychiatrists in our area. My husband is aware of his issues as well as wanting to control them as best he can. There is no question of his life. What I fear is that this sickness will take over and I will lose my husband to this.

Have you looked at the website I posted? What do you think?

Yes...a bit. There are many traits that I do see when he's accusing me. I do not, however, feel that he would ever hurt me physically. The pain of verbal can hurt just as bad though.

Many have said just that. I do not think he's had an affair though.

1. Accusations started almost immediately in our relationship. In the begining I thought it was normal to ask of me to cut off all ties with my past, etc. I changed phone numbers, emails, and we both agreed to no contact with anyone from our past who we had been sexual with. All were growing steps that I felt were positive. Over time nothing seemed good enough. I knew I had done all I could to prove myself and yet the fear was still there that I'd leave him.
2. We've known each other 3 1/2 years.
3. We've been married 2 1/2 years.
4. No kids.
5. I'm 29 and he's 38.
6. No infidelity in our relationship. Some in my "young" relatinships in college. Major infidelity in his past (see other post about his first wife).

I also think it is normal and healthy to cut ties with people you have had relationships in the past.

I have a few more questions.
How long after his Divorce did you start dating him?
Do you know if he was like this with his ex-wife?
How old was he when he got married and how long was he married?
Did he have a lot of past GF? Did you have a lot of past BF?

It was years after. I'm thinking, at least five. He dated someone in between her and I. He seems to have been a "serial" living together guy. Moved out at 18, lived with a girl. Got hurt. Dated, ran away and married in Vegas. Married for 5 years when she left him for her best friend. I'd LOVE to ask the ex's if he was like that with them. He claims he didn't have as much to lose with them so therefor he wasn't jealous like this. My therapist tends to agree. The more he has the more he fears losing it.

Neither of us really dated a lot of people. I'm not sure his casual sexual history (don't really want to know) but as a guy I'm sure it was much more than mine. We do have a significant difference in age (9 years).

Formy,

What a dilemma!

Are the accusations getting worse?

What does his siblings or parents say?

Can he step back and see how unreasonable he is? Does he apologize after a blow up? Or is it constant accusations and he thinks he is in the right all the time?

What does he do for a living? Does he have confidence in his job or other relationships? Is the boss always out to get him? Is the mechanic out to screw him or the neighbors spying on him and talking about him behind his back?

Is there an anti-Depresent that could alleviate this behavior? Of course if he does not think he has a problem....then what?

Do you ever go ballistic at him when he accuses you? I mean like volcanic??

Is he a paranoid little mousy type?

kirk

Good questions! Below are my answers.

1. Accusations seem to be a constant. When he is really depressed and insecure its far worse than at other times.
2. No siblings. Dad left at 5...not very close now. Mom is in denial of severity of this problem. She doesn't understand.
3. Yes, he does apologize and feels stupid and very sad for what he puts me through. Still....it continues. When he's accusing me of something he truly believes it and there is no talking him out of it.
4. This is a good one....he's the lead singer of a rock band. Funny, I know, that I'm the one accused of infidelity when he's on the road all the time with groupies hanging all over him. Right now the band is in a bit of turmoil. He's very depressed which of course brings out the fear of me leaving him even more.
5. Yes, I can be very volcanic. In the begining I was understanding. Then I went a bit volcanic. Now...I'm just like "here we go again." I do try now to control my anger. I ask him to leave me alone. I try to remove myself from him (i.e. go to our bedroom, for a run or drive, etc.)

This alone says he is afraid to be alone. He needs some serious IC to figure out why he is so afraid of abandonment but I am sure it started when his dad left him at such a young age.