Tyk, to answer your question, yes we did report the rape to the police. We were given all of the information on the support that was available to use but she chose not to pursue any of it.

Unfortunately this wasn't the first time that she had been raped. Before we were together when she was in High School she was raped and knew the guy who did it. She took legal action against him but he ended up getting off scott free due to it basically being her word against his which is why I think she's so reluctant to seek counseling because she's already been failed by the system once.

Another thing I should bring up that may be a contributing factor for her straying is that even though we already have four children together after being raped she felt that she wanted to have another baby but I have already had a vasectomy about 3-years ago. We've had discussions about having it reversed but just can't afford it.

This is another reason why I'm so vested in making this marriage work. If she leaves and wants to have children still with someone else she can. I'm the one now who is stuck trying to find a woman who doesn't want children of her own but would be willing to accept my four. Most women my age, I'll only be turning 30 in July, are just starting to think about having children and that's something that isn't an option to me should I get into a relationship down the road.

Another good point to bring up about my wife and our situation is that she is a very vain person. Which isn't such a bad thing for me because she always takes pride in how she looks. Her birthday is on Tuesday where she'll be turning 33 and she always comments on her age and how she's getting old. Could some of these feeling be coming from her trying to get back to a point in her life that she was younger?

Sorry I'm ranting all over the place but since out little discussion tonight it's all I've been thinking about and of course, she's gone to sleep already.

You may have just hit on one of her biggest ENs. Could it be Admiration? Maybe that's something she's getting from the OM. Can you think of ways that you could meet this EN more?

Jayne241, I do think that I could compliment her on how she looks more often which I know she's told me that the OM always tells her how beautiful she is.

Other than that I'm not sure I understand how to express admiration towards her. If you could give me some suggestions I would certainly be open to trying them.

SoMuch:
I feel your pain. Wish I had known about Marriage Builders' counseling service BEFORE my H's affair got physical. This seems to be a crucial turning point in your W's affair. People here can be very helpful, but I strongly suggest you have a phone session with Steve Harley immediately--he is amazing and gave me very good advice, but that was AFTER the affair was in full swing. It isn't cheap, and it isn't covered by insurance, but it will be the best $185 you ever spent. (I talked to him in 2006, might be a little more now.) You can find the number to make an appointment through the MB Coaching Center at the top of the MB home page. Steve won't give you blah blah--he will tell you what you can do for the best shot of heading this off at the pass.

Hold on, Pal. This is likely to be one long, painful ride. Keep posting here, but talk to Steve ASAP. The MB program is the reason my H and I now have a marriage much better than we had pre-A.

RHW

That is EXACTLY what WWs say. The rewrite your history to convince themselves they 'need' to leave to become who they need to be, that it's all your fault they've been misused, that it's impossible to get what they need from you. Don't listen to it. It's fogspeak.

It's your choice to let her leave, but try to remember that it's not really your wife talking. It's an alien who suddenly has a way out, a 'better option.' If he hadn't shown up, you wouldn't be having these conversations. Suddenly she has options.

As for admiration, talk good about her to other people when she can hear you, even when she can't if there's a chance those people will go back to her and say 'wow, your H really loves you; he told me all about how you did XYZ.' Ask for her help in doing things because you admire her ability to solve ABC. Watch for new clothes she's wearing (and she's probably buying new stuff so she can impress OM) and comment how good she looks. Ask her about her haircut. Ask her for advice on you getting in shape since she does such a good job.

Catperson,

At this point I have no intention on letting her leave, that's not what I want or what our family needs. My struggle is how can I get her to realize that she CAN have those feelings for me again and want to try with her being so infatuated with the OM? Is it by just using Plan A, is there something I can say? It seems as though the more I talk about the situation the more she's pushing for one of us to leave so I'm trying my best to avoid those conversations at all cost.

As for the admiration I will give it a try tonight. We're going out with some of her friends for her birthday. I'll make it a point to compliment her in front of her friends and to say things to her friends that she may hear or they'll repeat.

As for her buying stuff and getting her hair cut that couldn't have come at a better time. Yesterday we received our stimulus payment from the IRS and she went out and bought a bunch of stuff that she normally wouldn't have spent as much money on. I'm sure that is to prepare for dates with the OM. Today she's going out with her friend to shop for something to wear tonight and get her hair cut.

The way I understand Plan A, you don't try to convince her of anything. You just do stuff. You become a better husband. You shed all the bad habits and pick up good ones. You become a knight in shining armor, should she ever choose to look your way again. And she will...IF the OM is out of the picture. That is the one key thing - exposing the affair/almost affair. As long as she has that greener pasture out there, she won't be considering you. That greener pasture has to turn into mud. You will have to expose.

Also, I believe you're not supposed to talk about your relationship. Nothing she says at this point matters anyway, cos she's in the fog, so there's no point having any discussion. Just be calm, smart, wise, giving, pleasant, happy, and let her figure it out on her own.

Yes, don't talk about the relationship, unless it's something she WANTS to talk about. You want to make deposits into her love bank, not withdrawals.

Compliment her on things other than looks, too. Are there things that she has done in the past, for you or for other people that you admire? Is she sensitive, compassionate, helpful, ...? Does she have accomplishments you can brag about?

And yes, do it even if she isn't in earshot. It may get back to her. Even if it doesn't, I bet when she walks into the room she can feel *something* different even if on a subconscious level. Better for her to have "good vibes" than bad, when you are around.

Be the knight in shining armor, yes!

Read the carrot and the stick post too. The stick includes exposing - not out of revenge. Out of love - to fight for your M.

I'm sorry, I know this is a painful time for you, I've been through it.

I have to ask you, what the hell are you doing? You state you are waiting for her to do something so you can ask her to leave AND you say you love her and want your marriage to work?!?! Which is it?

You know who she plans to cheat with and you won't approach him?!?!

Please open your eyes. Your wife has NO RIGHT to talk romantically with other men because she's convinced you 'she's not in love' with you. Love is a choice, not some feeling.

I wish I had your opportunity before I discovered my wife's infidelities (yes plural).

All I can do is pray for you so that is what I will do.

iam, I do plan on confronting the OM and my wife with the information that I have been able to scrape together. I plan on at least waiting until tomorrow to do it since today is her birthday and I don't want to ruin it for her. I know she won't be seeing the OM today since I'm working from home and we have plans to go out together tonight.

The only thing that I'm afraid of is that if I bring the things up that she doesn't realize that I know then she's going to be extremely angry and to get back at me she will insure to take the relationship with the OM to the next level which she hasn't yet.

It will have been a week tomorrow since she dropped the bomb on me that she didn't love me anymore and I got her to admit that she was interested in the OM but I've been sticking to Plan A and I think she's been enjoying herself along with my company.

Last night while we were relaxing and watching TV, for the first time in a while she actually reached out to me and showed me some affection. It was only a small gesture but it meant so much to me since she really hasn't done anything like it in a long time.

You cannot take anything she does or says at face value right now. My WW would flip back and forth from nasty and hateful to nice and loving on a regular basis while the A was going on. It kept me continuously off balance.

Until you get her to end the EA and agree to remove OM from your lives forever, you won't be able to really trust your impressions of her behavior.

Keep doing Plan A, it will make a difference, just don't get lulled into thinking this is going to go away all by itself.

Well I just confronted the OM and he says he understands the situation and was going to back off then he forwarded the email that I sent him to my wife.

Now she's flying off the handle like I knew she would. I'm trying to stay calm and to actually just stay away from her so that things aren't said that we both really don't mean.

She's saying that we will never be together again and that she will make me pay. Is this the typical response from someone when they have just been confronted with the truth?

Just an update on what's been going on since I confronted the OM about an hour ago. My wife is now saying that she's going to make me sorry that I ever did this and that I should think about what she's going to do with the OM to get back at me, which is obviously sleep with him.

This is exactly the reason that I was so hesitant on confronting him and blowing the entire relationship out into the open. Now I feel as if I've driven her further too him. I'm at a complete loss now and don't know where to turn. All of the work that I put into Plan A this past week is all gone now. How will I get her to allow me the opportunity to show her that I can change and give her the love and affection that she needs?

I quickly looked over your thread. Suprised to see that you were not advised that contacting or confronting the OM is pointless.

You can not trust OM to tell you the truth, believe him when he says he will leave your WW alone. Do you think that an OM will pass up the opportunity for SF after you have spoken to him? Why is he having an affair?

Even more surprised that you have not been strongly advised to expose the affair. Exposure is the only tool that can kill an affair. Confronting the OM is not exposure.

What is exposure? Wihtout warning you tell OMW, WW's parents and siblings. Exposure prevents WW from her from living in her fantasy affair world. People that matter and can influence her and know the truth will force WW to face what she is doing is wrong.

I have been on different forums dealing with infidelity for a couple of years now. I have been following your posts and I have compassion for your situation.
You have just blown your wife's fantasy land out the water.It's like telling a crack addict that you have just cut off their supply of crack indefinately. She is mad and outraged because you have exposed that you know to the other man and that you are taking a stand, which you should. She is going to say all kinds of things that are hurtful and mean. Remember only believe 50% of what a wayward says and hardly anything you see until she comes out of the fog. She has lost control of the affair which she had as long as it was being hidden. Exposure of an affair is like the sunlight is to a vampire. It kills it. Don't feel like you have done the wrong thing. If you want your marriage you have done the very right thing. It may not look like it, but you have. Be strong. Stay calm. Do not argue. Tell her you did it because you are fighting for your marriage. She may say something hurtful back..she is only speaking out of emotion. Not rational at all. This may last for some time. Be patient. If you can last the storm..you will see a bright shiny new day. Start doing things for yourself. Exercise. Make yourself and the marriage attractive. If your marriage doesn't survive(which I'm praying it will) You will be stronger and better person for going through this

Adding this after reading what TheRoad posted:

TheRoad is absolutely right..Talking to the OM does nothing. You must expose this to his wife so she can start curtailing the affair from her end.

How can I make our marriage more attractive if she's so angry with me that she doesn't want to see me? She's telling me right now to come home and get our girls and that if I don't leave the house tonight that she will and I won't like where she's staying.

I've already told her that I'm not going to leave our home due to a decision that she's made. I told her that I'm not leaving her, that she's the one leaving me.

I'm considering maybe staying out of the house tonight at my parents to give her some space but nothing more than one day. What do you think about that, give her some space for the night or push through it and stand for not leaving my home?

Also, to make one other point clear, the OM is single so there isn't anyone on his end to confront.

GREAT JOB and boo hoo to those who are suggesting that your efforts were worthless. YOU are the BH and you have every right to confront the OM ... it may do no good, but from the reaction of the OM and your WW, it served its purpose very well. Sure the OM is a lying weasel, but you just took the EXCITEMENT out of their fantasy. Now OM is looking over his shoulder, and WW is in panick mode ... not very "fantasy-like" is it???

Tell your WW that she can leave if she wants, but you are not leaving YOUR home over HER decisions. You can't control what SHE does ... all you can do is maintain the "high ground", act honorable, and stay STRONG ... YOU have done NOTHING wrong.

With your WW's threats, I'd also expose to everyone who can put pressure on her to "wise up" ... her parents (if living) would be a good start, your mutual friends, etc.

Good Job, and Good Luck!!!

Do not leave your home. Like I said..She is angry and will say all kinds of things in her anger. Do not invoke her anger but do take a stand. She is threatening you in order to get control of her fantasy back. Keep your replies as calm as possible

Making the marriage attractive comes in time. She won't see that until she is out of the fog. She is bullying you..don't let her do it. If she leaves..let her, but tell her your plans If she decides to leave. You still have to expose her to her parents and anyone else who can help kill the affair. She has leverage now because no one knows. Expose, Expose and expose. Do it surprisingly without warning.

MyRevelation, thanks for the encouragement. I am actually getting all of my ducks in order as we speak for when I go home. I'm going to call her mother on my way home and inform her of the situation although I don't think she'll do to much then I'm going to go and talk to my mother. The only one's that have gotten me to this point were you guys on this forum and I thank you for that.

She's also saying that she's going to kill herself to escape since I'm trying to trap her in a marriage that she not happy in.

Don't beat yourself up. I think we misunderstood or didn't catch what you said you were going to do. I believe we all told you to expose, not confront. Expose means to tell everyone who can make a difference. Telling the two people in the middle of it will do nothing; well, it will stir the pot and make it hot for them, but it will not put the pressure you need on them. I apologize for not realizing earlier when you said 'confront' that you meant confront and not expose.

Doesn't matter if he's single. He has a mother, a father, a brother or sister, a boss, a friend, an exwife, probably a few affair partners. Spend the money for a PI and get all the information you can on him, then go to all THOSE people and tell them what he's doing to your family.

Then tell HER family what she's doing. Then tell YOUR family what she's doing. Then visit your lawyer and tell him/her what's going on and make a move to protect the marriage legally, including child custody. Close off the bank accounts and credit cards so she can't withdraw.

Quit thinking about what makes her happy, until the affair is stopped. I believe we told you to STOP and EXPOSE the affair before you start being a nice guy, because being nice does no good when she's got some other guy's arms to fall into.

Quit worrying about whether she's mad. When she makes such immature petty threats, laugh at her. Refuse to leave. Whatever you do, DO NOT go somewhere else tonight.

Right now she's feeling like a 4 year old who got spanked. Let her. Let her feel what it's like to get caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Let it make her miserable. She needs that handslap to teach her aversion therapy.

And don't worry about her threat of making you sorry. Seriously, she was going to do that no matter what you did, so don't let her saddle you with that, with her bad choices.

Remain calm, protect the kids, take the high road, and let her make a fool of herself. But make sure everyone you know who can make a difference knows about it all. Today. BEFORE she starts calling them and telling lies about you.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! You'd probably come home tomorrow to find the locks changed. In fact, get the phone number for a good locksmith to keep in your wallet.