Due to being hurt in our relationship over the past year I have found that I have ZERO libido. My husband and I have always been very passionate. I want to be sexual again but I feel that it will never happen! Every time we "start" my mind wonders and I start thinking "what if I lose the want for it and then am stuck going through the motions?" This, of course, does happen the majority of the time because my mind is already there. It seems the ONLY time I can relax and have fun with it anymore is when I've drank too much wine!!!! I don't want it to be this way. I want us to both enjoy making love. I've told my husband time and again that he needs to give me time and "romance" me. He's not hearing me because he's not doing what I need to get "in the mood." Rolling over 10 minutes before I get out of bed and attempting to initiate sex just doesn't do it for me! Any suggestions?!

Did you try giving him more specific suggestions on what you would like him to do? I think for most men "romance" me is too vague. You need to give him more concrete directions as to what you want from him. Are your other emotional needs, such as for affection, admiration, etc. getting met? This could be what's really affecting your libido.

No...they're not right now. I really think that's the majority of the problem. We're working on some major stuff with our therapist. I just wish, in the mean time, we could still have moments of intimacy.

Make sure your counselor is following Dr. Harley's plan. My ex & I went to a counselor for some time but things just got worse. They weren't following Harley's plan. But he did suggest His Needs, Her Needs to us and that helped a lot (at least in understanding what was going on. My ex wasn't a reader so he never bothered to learn). Even Dr. Harley himself couldn't get him in gear to do anything about our marriage - so needless to say - it ended!!

But, if you can convince him to get into learning about relationships - maybe tell him about this site and the letters that Harley has (on sexual aversion) then it might help - if he's the marriage saving kind. If not, then there's not much to say anyway.

Anyway, the letters and the books, His Need, Her Needs & Love Busters are great guides for any marriage. There are also letters on 'changing willingness to desire' that might help.

Good Luck,
RMW

You don't have a aversion... far from it.

A lot of men "just roll over and try to initiate something 10 minutes before getting out of bed" because they are responding to their physical feelings, which are stronger in the morning.

It is a lot safer for a man to initiate when he feels like he can deliver, than it is to have to be ready like for action all the time, and seldom get any action. It makes him feel like an appliance.

Why don't you try initiating, at night, when you both are not tired, and have plenty of time? If that proves to be intimidating (and he won't say so), even if things go well, then you know he as problems just like you do. Nothing big. Talk about them. In the meantime, plan your next escapade together, schedule it, and do it. Anticipation is quite an aphrodisiac.