I think you should do whatever is necessary to reassure yourself. Call the PI if you need to or even go to his workplace. Keep calling him if you have to.

It is up to HIM to make you feel safe, not up to YOU to trust him. This is one of those things that he should not be doing at this early stage, even if he is truly at work.

Remember too that God is aware of what is going on here. PRAY!!!! Pray that God will keep him safe from Evil.

Keep us informed.

Praying Too,
WH2LE

WH2LE - thanks for reminding me to pray for God to keep him safe and away from temptations. I forget that sometimes. I focus on praying for me instead of him sometimes. I stopped what I was doing and prayed. I immediately felt calmer.

I did call the PI and she is on her way to his work to see if his car is there. After I called her, he called me back. He called from his work number, not his cell phone. So I'm sure he's at work. When he called he told me all the things they were doing in the testing of the equipment. He was laughing about his boss and all the stuff he's eaten today. I realize that all of this may be a smoke screen, but I do think he's been where he said he was doing what he said he was doing.

The PI is still going over there to make sure there are others there and that OW isn't there, too. I can't imagine that she would come to his workplace, but I know I need to make sure.

WH2LE - thanks for responding to my panic attack. I needed a sane voice and yours always calms me down.

I am encouraged that he called me from his work phone instead of his cell phone. He has made reference to that before that he does that when he thinks I might wonder if he's really where he said he was. Since he could call from his cell phone and be anywhere, it did help that he called from his work land line.

PI should be calling in the next few minutes with an update.

Dang, I'm tired of being on edge! The roller coaster ride definitely does continue. Funny, I used to love roller coasters until this junk happened!

KLD,

For the moment I will assume the best about your H. This is a normal reaction for you at this point. Anytime you can not be
%100 certain of his whereabouts, this is likely to happen. For a LONG time. It is VERY important that you talk about it to him.

He must be totally accountable for every minute of every day. And available to you so that you are reassured.

My H works across the street from where I work. Last summer, more than once, when I could not immediately reach him by phone, I would go over to his building. Not in it, mind you. I would stand where I could not be seen and watch for him. Then I felt stupid, but I felt better too and not one bit ashamed for not having trusted him. I wish I could tell you that he was fine with my doing that but I can't. He was mad. I still say, tough!

What mattered at that point were MY feelings.

What matters tonight are your feelings.

This is part of the ride.

NO FUN AT ALL!!!!

Praying,
WH2LE

I'm going to talk to him about this and just be honest about my reaction. He will probably be mad and tell me that I will never trust him again. Oh well, he will see I will trust him again if he is accountable and if he'll hang around long enough to see the process work.

Yaaaaay!!!! Sounds good!!!!

I have a suggestion(what a surprise!!). Write out a prayer, specifically for your H. Carry it with you. Pray it everyday, whenever you think of it. Make it specific.

I did this 2 weeks before D-Day. After D-day, I was shocked at what I had written. It applied PERFECTLY to what needed to be done. I believe that this prayer was from God Himself. Ask God to guide your hand to write the words that HE would have you pray.

I still pray this prayer for my H and imagine I will for the rest of our lives.

Praying Now,
WH2LE

What a great idea. I'm going to do that. I have read "The Power of a Praying Wife" and it was helpful. I refer to it from time to time on specific subjects.

I love the idea of writing the prayer down for every day. It's a great thought to have a specific prayer every day for him. I'd love it if I thought he was doing the same thing for me.

I sometimes have told my H that he should be pleased when I check up on him because it gives him the opportunity to prove that he is where he said he would be and that he is doing what he said he would be doing.

Sometimes he thinks that's good and sometimes he doesn't. Oh well....

WH2LE

PI just called and H was there at work. She saw him come out of the building with 5 other guys. Some of them left and some went back inside. H left and headed in the direction of the interstate. She didn't see OWs car or any car from out of town and she didn't see OW at all.

So, looks like H was telling the truth. I feel so much better. It was actually really, really nice to hear good news from my PI. She's always called with bad news until tonight!!!!

I'm glad I had her go over there. I don't have to worry that OW was there with him and I would have worried about that if there hadn't been an eye witness.

Whew, that is good to hear. FINALLY, a clean report from a PI.

I know. Shocking!! LOL

I am sooooo pleased that your H was where he was supposed to be, doing what he was said he would be doing.

This is one of the reasons I think snooping and spying are so good. It builds trust in YOUR mind. I would always rather feel foolish for catching my H doing the RIGHT thing than foolish for trusting him and finding out he was doing the WRONG thing.

Good going KLD!!!!!

How did talking him to him go last night?

Praying,
WH2LE

We didn't really talk last night when he got home. It was just before midnight and he had been up since about 5AM so he was really tired. He came in, said hello, and went to bed. This morning he was gone before I got up. His project is at a critical phase and I think today will wrap up alot of the big things going on for a few weeks. Maybe tonight he will be in more of a frame of mind to talk.

I am pleased that he was where he said he would be and that he hadn't cooked up a story to see OW. And I agree that I'd rather catch him doing what he's supposed to be doing than trusting him while he's cheating.

I do believe he's back on the fence about our M, though. He went straight to the guest room to sleep when he got home. I really don't know whether to worry about this or to just let it go and wait to see if he comes around again. This back and forth is for the birds. He says he just hasn't been sleeping well because of the stress at work. There have been other times in our M where he would go to the guest room if he couldn't sleep, but it was never for more than one night every 6 months or so. He was ready to move back to our bed 2 weeks ago but still needed to sleep away from me for half the time since. He slept in the guest room for almost 3 months. I'm trying to be rational - maybe he is having trouble getting used to sleeping in our bed again. He did say it gets hot in our room and he can get it colder in the guest room and sleep better. I am cold natured and probably don't like the cooler air as much as he does. Oh well... who knows?????

Offer to keep an extra blanket on your side of the bed and turn down the AC and see what he says...

My brother and his W are very much in love, and neither has ever had an A. He often sleeps in the guest room these days. His W says she has gotten used to it, that he is different now than he was even 5 years ago, and she no longer worries. Brother says "Sometimes I feel like being by myself."

They have been married 32 years.

There will be lots of things for you to question. It's natural...... given what happened.

Keep talking about them.
Keep praying about them. God knows things we do not, he can prompt you if and when you need it, or he can calm your mind if that is needed.

Prayers continue.

SS

PS, the suggestion to keep an extra blanket is a good one, if that is his problem. Or one of the electric blankets with two zones that can be set differently. (one side turned off, one on.)

It may not be his real problem though, and he may not be able to articulate his real problem. It could be something as simple as feeling guilty, and not knowing how to make it up to you, or communicate about it. Prayer an really help you find your answers.

Hi KLD!!!

I still think withdrawal is an issue with your H. As with any kind of addiction, some people are able to quit cold turkey with few symptoms.

Most people quit, then maybe relapse, then quit again but suffer from a lot of symptoms for a long time.

Then there are some who suffer GREATLY from withdrawal. They may or may not relapse, but the withdrawing of their addiction is horrifically painful and the temptation to start using again is a daily problem for a very, very long time. I am wondering if your H is not in this category.

To me though, the good news is that he does not seem to be "using", just suffering. If this is the case, then he will just keep suffering until withdrawal is complete. Withdrawal won't kill him, it just hurts like h***!!!

I always told my H that once he started smoking, he was committed to a time of suffering, either when he quits smoking and goes through withdrawal, or when he gets sick from smoking and goes through THAT pain. And that as his wife, *I* would be suffering too, from either his behavior in withdrawal or from his illness and maybe death from a smoking related illness.

I see now that an A is the same thing. Once you get involved in an A, BOTH partners are GOING to suffer. There is NO way around it. VERY SUCKY!!!!

Hope you are doing well today.

When does your new job start?

Praying,
WH2LE

Hearing that there may be other reasons for his moving back to the guest room was really helpful. My negativity takes over sometimes and I start thinking that his motivation for anything that doesn't seem productive to our M is because he is planning to leave. It causes such anger and pain for me. I usually step back at that point and reread my Plan B letter and make sure I'm prepared.

Knowing that his behavior is probably motivated by something else would make it all okay with me. I don't have a really good way to know for sure, though, because H has a very hard time communicating his feelings. When he gives me a response, it's usually done in a grumpy way and it sounds like a lie. This could be my filter and my expectation that everything he says about our M is a lie.

Hearing other possibilities - whether they're actually his reasons or not - is helpful. It makes me see that I don't have to automatically expect to be back to square one (or zero).

What you've told me about withdrawal is really helpful. I think H may be dealing with these feelings like you describe and having a very painful time.

Last night he slept in the guest room again. I asked him point blank if he was in a phase of not wanting the M and he said not at all. He assured me that he is really just tired with all the extra time at work lately and he's very stressed out because of the critical point in his project. I believe these things are true, but I can't help also being worried that he's questioning his decision to stay in the M. Like I posted earlier, I could be focusing on the negative when I shouldn't.

He called this morning to tell me a funny thing that happened there today. He'd been telling me about this guy for a few weeks who would come into their area and take water and snacks and use their restroom. They were all shocked that this guy would do that and they have no idea who he is. He showed up today with a bottle of wine for H as a thank you for "helping him out." So H said to me "Now we have a nice bottle of wine for some weekend soon." He was in a great mood and said he was so much less stressed now that some of the milestones in his project have been met. Maybe things will be better with him at home, now.

WH2LE - how is the best way to deal with the withdrawal? Do I tell him I love him and then just leave him alone when he's grumpy? Do I act like nothing is wrong? I get so tired of his bad moods. He's never nasty to me, but just testy and alot quieter.

Also - I start my new job on May 19. My new boss called last night to discuss my first 2 weeks and which line of business I'll be responsible for. I'm looking forward to it.

Ah KLD!! Withdrawal. I have never been very good at dealing with the symptoms of withdrawal.

The times that my H has tried to stop smoking, I have tried a bunch of things, with very little success. I think that is more because of his tendency to be so controlling though. He was angry at ME because he wasn't smoking(Because I was such a mean mommy and wanted him to quit), and NOTHING I said or did was going to be right for him OR me. It was very important for him to be angry with me.

In case any suggestions might work with your F(?)WH this is what I have tried at various times:

1. Staying out of his way. Not being angry or sullen or in any way offensive. Speaking pleasantly when he speaks but not asking anything of him. Trying to leave him to deal with his demons.

2. Offering to rub his back or get him things to drink or make a favorite meal or go for a drive or any of those kinds of things.

3. Be especially cheerful and smiling. Buzz around acting as if life is truly grand and things are going to be WONDERFUL.

4. Dealing with it directly, asking him how it's going, what can I do to make it easier or if I should just do nothing.

5. Ignoring him completely, actually pretending he isn't there, doing my own thing, whatever that might be.

6. Asking him if there was ANYTHING he actually wanted me to do.

7. Being a b****. Really. Telling him how angry I was for having to put up with HIS withdrawal. That he was not only withdrawing from cigarettes, he was withdrawing from me. That it was time he grew up and stopped acting like he was losing his whole world becasue he was not smoking.

There are many more attitudes I have tried and combinations of all of them. My main goal was for ME to get through HIS withdrawal because I knew I had no control over HIM. I still did not do very well.

I think it's wonderful he called to share a funny thing with you AND is looking forward to a time away. It is a dear thing when your beloved wants to share those things with you. Those are little peaks out of the fog. I am praying that the sun just keeps shining on him till all that fog is burned away and he says to himself, "My God man, what WERE YOU THINKING???"(I am imagining that in a British accent).

Always praying,
WH2LE

For: KLD

Essay Assignment - Due by Wed, May 14th.

500 words or more, on how you are doing this week, and what your thoughts are. Can include thoughts on how H is doing (if desired.)

Can be any spacing, and any font - this doesn't matter.



SS

Later edit
Of course, this is all in fun, but we would love to hear how you are.