Any advice for where I'm at? Mel, Tyk, LG, would be nice to hear from you guys. I plan on just being the man I should be and concentrating on making my life good for me and the children. It's so very frustrating at times and I just want to tell her so many things and tell her how badly she's hurt me and the family but I've learned to hold back my LBs and DJs when we talk, which is very seldom.

Thank you all for your support.

Wats01,

Have you spoken to either Steve or Jennifer?

If you are getting ready for Plan B you really need to go out with a bang as far as Plan A is concerned.

Make some plans with the kids to do something fun and invite WW to join you. Spend NO time talking about the marriage, the relationship, the affair, or any long standing problems between you. Show her how you are different without words.

It's been two years today since I discovered what was going on and we are still addressing things. We can only talk about problems about 15 minutes at a time and then we both need our LB$ recharged before attempting more.

Sorry I missed your last couple of posts; my job has changed radically and I only get a few minutes here and there to get on the forums.

Did you ever read TMTS's threads? Did you read the first few posts in my Musings thread? Have you checked out my Troubleshooting and Repair thread?

My threads are linked in my sig line. I linked TMTS's threads for you in my previous posts to you.

The hardest part of doing Plan A is doing what you need to do without having any expectations at all as to how your WW will react6. You can't do something, see no response and then give up and do something else. You have to keep doing all you can to meet her ENs as much as she allows while putting your Taker on hold and keeping it locked up until some day in the future.

You have to be able to act instead of reacting. You have to find a way to meet her ENs even though she is not around all the time. To that end, try to find ways for you to be near her.

The graduation was a good job, IME. Offering her the lunch ticket was a good move, even if you didn't see a response like you wanted from her.

Our youngest also graduated this weekend. My wife spent yesterday afternoon with her sister hauling all of his stuff home from the frat-house in Normal. So now his stuff is all home, though he is still not home...

Hang in there Wats. Plan A is the single hardest thing you will ever do...

What kind of things can you plan that you can invite your wife to join the rest of the family in doing? Think of a few things and try them out. If you get any response at all, you are making deposits into her LB$.

Mark

Thanks, Mark,

I appreciate your support and help. I have read those threads and they've helped me immensely. I actually come her everyday, though I may not post, I am always reading. I re-read Surviving An Affair and that also has helped quite a bit.

I must admit that I haven't spoken to either Steve or Jennifer because I am watching my budget like a hawk. Since WW has moved out I have made some adjustments to ensure all the necessary bills are paid and things are very tight especially since I fully support our children and make sure their financial needs are met (insurance, food, clothing, gas).

I will be inviting her to do things with the children and I for a while longer since my current strategy is to implement Plan B by the end of June. If things are looking better in the coming weeks, I may hold off a little longer for Plan B.

What do you think of sending her a text telling her loving things, like a love letter? I haven't contacted her in a while on my own but since I saw WW at the graduation, I am compelled to send her a message.....no relationship talk, just a basic love message (letter).

Wats,

I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I've kept up with your situation, and you are a very stubborn guy. You keep doing the same things, and expecting better results, but they never come.

Honestly, as a BH, for you to be in Plan A as long as you have is counterproductive. Look around this site, prolonged Plan A's for BH's equals STBXH's.

Hi Wats, sorry to see this is still going on for you.

If you are in Plan A, then you DO plan A the best you can. It sounds like you did a good job at the graduation. It sounds also like WW may be sniffing around, at least making sure the door is still open, but she's still solidly on the fence.

It doesn't sound like you're getting much opportunity to really do Plan A though. I think Mark is right, you need to be seeking opportunities.

Your WW does know that you are still wanting to recover the M right? How does she know this?

My thoughts are that the longer Plan A goes with no visible effect, the less effective Plan A becomes. In your case, it doesn't sound like you're harming things with Plan A, but it isn't really seeming like its helping alot either. Although the graduation does seem like it went pretty well and was unusual behavior for her.

I think you should try to set up some more family time and stall the SA again if you can.

You're not paying any of her bills, are you?

Rev,

Hi, haven't heard from you in some time. I really haven't been in a solid Plan A for very long, truthfully. The begging and pleading and such went on well into January when she moved out. I continued to do the Plan C...:) for some time into February. March i started to take control of my actions and begin a good solid Plan A, though it is hard to meet her needs while we are apart. I do whatever I can to meet her needs when possible. As I stated, I plan on implementing Plan B at the end of June. I have been concentrating on myself and my children primarily.

I have invited WW to do a couple of things recently but she has declined but she hesitated the last time I asked her to do something which invovled the children. And recently I apologized for arguing with her in the past about our situation and she thanked me for the apology, which was something new.

She has been asking to do things with the children more often recently also. Remember, the OM is in NH and I've come to the realization that this may not end until she actually spends some time with him, unfortunately.........and by that time, I may be done myself.

Cat,

No, I'm not paying any of her bills other than car and health insurance and will continue to do that until D, if it comes to that, considering the attractive SA she has written up and submitted.

Hey Tyk,

Yes, WW does know my stance in this and I've made it perfectly clear as the last time anything was said about it was through text message in which I told her that I was fighting for what I believe is right and that is saving our marriage and keeping our family together.

Wats,

I just not a fan of Plan A for BH's, especially anything longer than a week or two. BH's just come off looking too weak, and the A continues.

Have you considered the 180 instead. I think it incorporates the basics of Plan A, but the emphasis is a little different, and seems to "reach" WW's more easily. Both Plan A and the 180 revolve around making the BH as attractive as possible, but in the 180, the WW sees the BH actually MOVING ON with their lives without the WW, and for some reason this appears to be VERY effective with WW's, who still have some love (even though it may be buried) for their BH's.

The BH appears to be MUCH stronger in the 180 ... it helps you regain your confidence ... and it gives the WW a real life snapshot of what her life could look like without her BH being there as her safety net.

The last thing you want at this point is for this A to escalate with (more?) physical contact ... if that occurs, your remaining love for her will disappear and Plan D starts looking like the better option.

To be honest, Rev, I'm not a real big fan of Plan A either and if you remember that is something I really struggled with at first. I guess really no one is a fan of Plan A, if you think about it, since you are giving and giving with no visible result.

Funny, you bring this up, the last arguement (happened a while back) we had I made some DJs which involved telling her she precipitated the events involving this OM and told her she should have confided in me instead of someone else......she hesitated and was taken aback some with these comments and I told her I would have confided in her and then tried to explain to her how her affair with this OM happened and why. She became very defensive and I told her she could defend OM all she wants, we all know his true colors now.

She was hot, hot, hot!! after that! This happended a while back, so don't hit me with a 2x4.....just wanted to make it clear, I'm not a push over in confrontations but since have learned NOT TO ARGUE. At the end of that arguement I told her that I wanted things between us to work and I wanted to save our marriage but I will not be a doormat and I will not wait around pining for her. Remember, friends, this happened a while back when I was still making LB type mistakes.

Wats:

You did a call out for me (LG?) on your post yesterday, and I have only posted to you once, so either what I said made sense, or I'm the wrong guy, or something else.....

That said....

It may be time for you to do some serious Plan A in preperation for Plan B.

Follow Marks advice and pour on the Plan A.

Your WW looked miserable at the graduation and avoided contact with pratically everyone as she is "no longer part" of the family.

It kills her to know that. And to see it on display so graphically as well. Therefore, she went to the bathroom to escape with your DD.

Time to send a an email to OM with CC to WW:

"I saw MY WIFE the other day. And she NEVER looked like that when she was living in our house. She was always looked "fill in your favorite adjective's here" when she was with me. She can be that way with me AGAIN. But this is what you have brought her to. I CAN, and WILL do all I can to bring her back to what SHE can be. Nothing, I mean nothing, you can do can ever restore her the way I CAN. That's MY Promise. I know the way home for her.

And that puts it squarely on OM that WW looks the way she does. And that isn't what she used to be.

But Wats: Your WW reacted in a way at the graduation, (making sure she didn;t get to close to you, etc.) that makes it seem that IF she DID get to close to you, she would be "cheating" on her OM. Your Plan A efforts will highlight this. Plan B makes it offical. So, please try to make sure you run a TIGHT Plan B.

About the SA? Who cares. Wait until after the Plan B letter is sent. Then sign it. If you want to.

LG

LG,

I called you out because I've read many of your posts and they make sense and you gave good advice when you posted to my thread. You seem to genuinely want to help when you post, as most here do, and I value that.

I want to comment on a couple of things I noticed a the graduation. My family is still treating her as part of the family with the exception of making contact with her. When we were together at the graduation, they treated her as thier own and were very kind to her but conversation was minimal.

She seemed to want to stick around with them even after I had left with DD.

My Opinion? Nope. Makes them mad.

Read up on the 180 Plan. Even if you stay with Plan A for a bit more, virtually everything in a 180 Plan is applicable to an effective Plan A. In both Plans (if there really are two) it is very, very important to show the wayward that you are strong, confident and fully capable of moving on. The wayward needs to know that although you would like to remain with them, YOU DON'T NEED TO.

They believe that their base of power is how much you NEEEEEEED them. They think you will die without them. As long as they think you NEEEEEEEEED them they will treat you like crap.

Plan A or 180

Don't beg.
Don't plead.
Don't reason.
Don't be pushy.
Don't be needy.
Don't "I love you".
Stay occupied.
Don't talk relationship.
Don't call 20 times a day.
Watch your grooming.
Get new clothes.
Hit the gym.
Do things with friends.
Laugh and smile.
Be a little aloof.
Focus on daily self improvement.

Wats:

Did you ASK THEM to help you do everything possible to help you BREAK up the affair?

You can ask that they "Be polite" but not to let her think that having an A makes it ok to hang out and be buds....

You can not control your relatives, but you can ask them to at least be on the honorable side of this.

LG

I haven't asked them to treat her differently. She has very little to no contact with them as they will not call her unless it is necessary since this has happened. My mother used to call WW all the time for advice and just to talk. Now, there is no conversation other than what is needed.

I'm sure this is killing her since my parents were the only 'real' parents she's had.

Wats,

I agree with this COMPLETELY. READ UP ON IT AND IMPLEMENT IT, and I bet your situation improves dramatically.

Don't be so available ... when she calls, get to the point and then say "I've got to run, I'm late, bye".

Be aloof and vague ... ALWAYS have somewhere else you need to be when she contacts you.

Be seen OUT with friends enjoying yourself, especially in places where it will get back to WW.

In passing, let her know that "I'd prefer to reconcile, but I know that I'll be fine either way".

You feel good about yourself, and it shows ... plus its simply MORE effective than just Plan Aing and HOPING that your WW is noticing.

Thanks to all of you. I will be reading up on the 180 plan and keep you all informed.

talk to you good people soon.....have to get back to work!

Hello friends,

I've tried using the search option on this site to find Plan 180 info but I keep getting an error. Maybe I'm using it wrong but I don't think so.

I understand the Plan 180 concept but I would like to read some posts relating to this topic......keeps me focused on my goal by reading as much as I can regardless of whether I implement it or not....It seems Plan 180 is much like the advice given in the book "Love Must Be Tough".

Can anyone point me to some posts on this plan 180?

Thanks all!

edited

Thanks, Mark.

I really appreciate all the help and support I've been receiving here.

I just recieved a text message from WW which read;

"Hi. Is my name on the utilities? Phone, electric...I can't remember. Need to take off is so. If I am can you take care of this afternoon, is a simple phonecall. Sorry so late, been really busy. Thx"

How do I reply to this? Are there any opinions on this? Should I reply at all?