He just called to tell me that he still wants us to go when he transfers. I said "uh, yeah and you're moving her too??" That wouldn't be cool. He say's now, nothing is set in stone between she and I. I have a feeling she doesn't see it that way. She's left her husband, gave up her home, got a divorce, been demoted and fired, filed for welfare and lived with her mother for 6 months. I'm pretty sure she thinks she waited me out and it's all over. Gross

UPDATE:
I know these are crazy long but I'm trying to vent here. Journal kinda sorta. Sorry!!

He called this morning to work a little more on convincing me to take less alimony ($200 per month). You see, he is completely broke! Doesn't know how he's going to make it as it is. I can go out and earn more money to make it up. He can't. It HAS to come from his earnings now. So, he HAS to give me less. Actually, he said "he was going to go with the lesser amount" Like I asked him to choose!?!*&^
Then he told me that he couldn't believe I would risk possibly creating such hard feelings over something so petty! I could be ruining all hope of reconciliation!! I said that I couldn't believe he was willing to risk his best friend of 21 years and family over someone so trashy. (I know, LB. Sometimes he just leaves himself wide open! But I swear I'm trying to bite my tongue)

I tried to remain calm but I did explain that there had been a tremendous amount of money that ran through our accounts to pay for hotel rooms, bar tabs, lunches etc. Not to mention the unbelievable amount of gas!! Apparently filling up her car too?? Sometimes $50-$75 twice a day?? He's loaned her $ too.


I said, I know it was difficult for her FBH & her financially when she left and the same thing holds true for us. You've made a decision that we will all suffer for. That's part of divorce. We split, the money splits too. Those figures we put together a couple weeks ago about savings and the vacation funds and all- that's out the door. It will be hard and if you think I'm going to make it difficult for me or my children to make things easier for you & your girlfriend- I want some of what you've been taking cause I could use the break from reality!!

I did the math & he won't have lots of cash left over, but who does? And if you figure the both of their income, he'll be fine. It isn't like he's going to be paying ALL the bills.

He says he really wants us to be friends that he didn't want to leave. I asked, are you saying that if I had just smiled and let you do your thing you'd have stayed home? He said yes. I told him I really thought it was better if he go. That way I didn't have to watch and that I wouldn't have "grin & nodded" as my dad says for much longer. He agreed & said that he knew it would have to stop and he was working on it. (I guess it takes alot of work. He's been saying that for a year now) I reminded him that he had always said- if he left he was gone, we were done. He says, well-- let's not put the cart before the horse but I will say this- I don't consider my current sitch with HW to be permanent. Ummmmmm, I bet she does!!! Jeez I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with trying to rookie doo me out of the money either!

c,

Have you studied up on Plan A and B?

Well, I think the reason you are letting your WS treat you this way , which by the way is ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS, is that it has been going on so long that you are getting used to it, it has become somewhat 'normal'.

Do NOT put up with this for another minute. Get some backbone!!!

If one of your DD's was going thru this with her H, what would you say to her? What kind of example are you setting for your girls?

Get a lawyer now, get a TRO and let this man know you mean business.

I don't know where the links are to the Plan B letters, but you need to get one out, right away. ENOUGH! :eek:

Your WS is totally getting away with having two women!! Only you can remove yourself from this threesome.

Gosh, this just makes me want to !!!

sorry for the 2x4, but this is going to be much harder since you have shown your WS that indeed, you will put up with this!

Good luck, I hope you make some healthy decisions soon! It's time to work on you and protect your family from this terrible person your spouse has become.



Love in Christ,
Miss M

File for LSA, get child and a spousal support directly deducted from his paycheck, and make him pay for a lawyer, and he won't have any money to continue his affair. The longer you procrastinate, the longer this will go on.

Ditto what jmwc95 said.

Are you done yet?

Really?

Ready to move on?

Ready to listen?

Stop and listen to what we've been saying to you.

No, no 2X4s are a good thing. Obviously I didn't agree to any of the C**P he says. But,sometimes instead of flipping out or telling him off I find myself analyzing what he says & trying to figure it out & fix it. I feel like my identity is gone & I don't trust my instincts anymore. "What if I didn't do a good enough Plan A? Did I blow it? It's easier when he isn't here, so do I Plan A him now?" I know some people do but I think that applies more to those who weren't able to do it otherwise & probably don't have cake eaters. My dad would say I'm "paralyzed by perfection" We are 1000 miles away from any family or close friends & this is the 3rd state we've lived in in as many years. Trust me, anyone else- DD, sister, friend- I'm the one who would be saying "What are you thinking?" But I don't have anyone to say that to me. He isn't going to say it!He's gotten really good at the mind game. I've never been wishy washy, this is a new thing. LOL I am a child of divorce and my sister & I are both terrified of reacting to situations like our mom so I know I'm overcompensating.
I just need the 2X4. NO, ditch him. Nip it.

In the last several days, by the Grace of God-I've accepted that I can't solve this one. WHY I can't remember that he is a big fat liar? I really struggle to dismiss what he says & not try to reason with him. I know that you can't.

Di I feel like it's normal? Hmmm,not sure. when he left last year the fog lifted and I could see very clearly that he was manipulating me. He uses my feeings & the fact that I'm alone against me. I made the mistake of letting him back in with nothing but talk, not action. It was before it really hit me that WE were no different than anyone else in this sitch.Before I knew it, I was sucked in again.

He is not in the home now & has said several times since he left that maybe if we could get along he would come home. I told him today during the "I left because you pushed me" convo that his coming home was not even on the radar & wouldn't happen til he was ready to do the things required to rebuild a marriage. We didn't get along because I didn't want a husband that had a girlfriend. He said HW did things that upset him but she learned what ticked him off & stopped doing it. I just keep pushing. I told him I would not accept what he was doing and it was wrong of him to expect me too.If you think I lack backbone and have taken alot of crap, I am blown away by some of the compromises HW has made and the things she has been willing to do. I could almost feel sorry for her.

He knows that I'm here 'til my girls are out of school, so he pushes it 'til then. That's when he decided he wanted to reconcile last year. pushed it until the last possible minute and he knew I was leaving. I think that will come this year too which is why I have to go Plan B now.

Yesterday we agreed to meet Wed. and sign the SA so I'm trying to make nice until then. Once we get that done I'm trying to push my schedule & be out of my home by the end of May instead of June. I don't have anyone to help me move but him, so I'm torn between total darkness this week and staying put through June at which time I could afford to pay someone else to move me or making nice til the end of May & getting his help.
Above all else, I don't want to move into Plan B & waver. Just a little distance really gets his attention so I know he's going to flip. I don't want it to be weak or watered down. He has to know I mean business & I've been preparing myself for it. I've researched Plan B letters & I am concerned because I don't have an intermediary & I know he will push the contact issue.

Cleo:

Time to drop the penalty flag on this one.

HAD you come to MB 1 year ago, or nine months ago, you would have been further along in the process.

Your wayward husband is eating your cake and enjoying every minute of it, until you FINALLY pulled the rug on him.

Stop accepting blame for HIS choices.

You MADE him do it. Give me a break. He's an idiot, high on crack.

HE MADE ALL HIS CHOICES.

You finally decided to start making yours.

And that is were this thing will start returning to your favor.

Please read Bugsmom Plan B thread. It might be five-ten pages back.

She did everything possible during her Plan A. And then she ran a real good Plan B. She ended up getting divorced because her H was convinced that everything that was wrong in thier M was Bugsmom's fault. Sad. You can run, but the mirror still reflects his reflection.

ONCE you really start "reverse-babbling" him, and enforcing your boundaries, he will really scream. But it will be HIS actions that led to the result that is to come. NOT yours.

This is priceless:


Like calling you. Staying at your house. Providing for his family. Being a man. HW doesn't question THAT anymore. So he is happy.

LG

Cleo,

Girl, listen to the advice you are getting. He isn't going to 'man up', so it's time for you to do it!

I spent many a night and day in your shoes, but Drac wasn't nearly so blatant. He DID however continue to cake eat just as long as I let him. Plan B put a stop to all of that.

As LG said, I am divorced, but I don't regret having moved to Plan B. Living with Drac's cake eating was NOT healthy for me in any way, shape or form. It's time to make YOUR moves for YOU and your kids.

Take care of you and your kids first and foremost,,,,,,,,,,follow the plans, listen to the advice you get here and you might see your husband again someday. I hope that you do!! However, continuing to live with the cake eating monster he has become will do more damage to you and your girls than you could ever imagine. Don't let it happen!

Do Not Take the Blame for HIS choices. You control YOU and only YOU. So, take control. He won't like it, but who is he to complain about anything at this point in time?? Until he faces the true responsibility for his actions, nothing will change.


Many of the folks posting to you were right there with me through the heart of my plans and I thank God for them still every day. I could never have made it through without a single one of them!! I don't know how good my plans were, I only know that I've come out of this a better, stronger person. I can hold my head high when I look back.

No matter the outcome of this for you, I hope you will feel that way about yourself, too!

Stay strong!

TJ - - By the way, LG, everything is STILL my fault!! In fact, I have it from a reliable source that Global Warming AND the High Gas prices are definately MY fault! I'll try to update my thread later!! :):) TJ over!

I appreciate the advice. Here's where we are- he seems to want to stop in a few times a week, visit, take me to dinner etc. Doesn't really want to talk on the phone much like we always have. Says he has to talk to someone else for now. I think he's trying to slowly ween himself off. Does say that he's trying to keep things civil, he's worried it will be a trainwreck with HW and he knows he only has a couple weeks to either come home or not. I say I believe he is feeding me a line BS to keep me there in case his deal w/HW doesn't work out. He says no, that's really not it. Says several times that he has reservations about the sitch with her, doesn't consider it permanent,yada yada. That he just doesn't know what he's doing.
Today we had a really bizarre third person conversation where he told me that my WH was giving me a line of crap & probably needed time & space to establish a relationship w/HW and that if that worked out there would be very little time for the family. Then he wondered if my WH could be having a MLC?? Said he couldn't believe I actually bought his lies. Okie Dokie........
So, I'm going to ask him to meet me, hopefully tomorrow or Wed? And get the sep agreement signed. I've read every stinking Plan B letter within a thousand miles, I'm thinking. And I'll try to have that line out by tomorrow. Still worried about the fact the I don't have a "go between"
Any advice, my lease is up. Do I pack up the girls and go back home?? Or do I stick it out here somehow?