The last few days have been a little rough, and I anticipate things may be that way.....for a few years even. Sigh.....

I have sole custody of my 3 children, ages 12, 15, and 16. My oldest boy has really been difficult lately; his grades have dropped, he's quit two jobs this year, he's belligerant and talks back to me. However, one highlight is that every Wednesday he and I go out to eat together and always have a good time. Go figure.

So, at the beginning of the quarter I told my oldest son that he needed to keep his grades up, and that if he didn't have a C or better in every class and a job when driver's ed classes started in May, I wouldn't pay for it and it would be another year before he could get his driver's license. His response was "yeah, whatever". It came to a head Monday night when classes started. He was incredulous that I actually wouldn't let him take the class, just because he is flunking 3 classes and hasn't even tried to get a job. He announced that I was the "meanest mom in the world", a "[censored]", and stomped off to his room to play blaring loud music.

Ok, that's tough enough, but a short time later I hear from his dad who showed up a few months ago to "become part of his children's lives" again. (And I do have to say he's been fairly decent, at least as compared to when we were married). Anyway, his dad feels I'm being terribly unfair, depriving OS of getting a driver's license, not letting him grow up, etc. etc. I told his dad how it was: bad grades = no driver's license, and OS knew it. So, dad goes and buys him a phone card and lets OS spend the weekend with him hanging out with friends..... no encouragement or help to get a job, improve his grades. OS is quickly turning out to be an abusive deadbeat like his dad. Any suggestions?

I learned very quickly that I can only control my parenting abilities not DD's mother. The same holds true in reverse. I am at least fortunate that we are on similar pages when it comes to grades.

I think you did the right thing. A driver's license is not a right of passage for young boys and girls. It's an earned priviledge. It's certainly got nothing whatsoever to do with 'growing up'.

You can probably imagine that he would put as much care and effort into learning to drive safely as he is putting into his grades. Good grades can reduce insurance premiums as well has keep his head screwed on straight.

A part time job could help keep him on the right path as well and defray the cost of driving in todays day and age.

I say, stand your ground.

I agree. I also think you have to have a talk with your ex and tell him you expect him to be on board with this decision. You owe him the reasoning, of course, but you are the caretaker, so the rules should be yours.

Teenagers need rules more than ever. They need to struggle, to work hard to achieve something, because it teaches them pride, perseverence, appreciation for what they earn, and respect for others (like their mother who has to support them ). The WORST thing you could do for your son is let up on him. Not your job to be his friend; time for that later when he's grown.

You remind me of some pictures someone emailed me. The first was a teenage boy standing on a sidewalk on a busy street, holding a sign that says something like (obviously in his handwriting) "I steal. I stole from others." And the other picture is stepping back and showing him standing there, scowling, while his mother sits in a foldup chair on the sidewalk next to him, reading a book and drinking a coke or something. In other words, she not only made him own up to what he did, she bothered to put herself out by taking the time to stay there with him to make sure he did the right thing.

Teach him with love that he doesn't have to grow up to be like his dad; that you have faith in him to become much much more.

Congratulations, Anna! I hope when the time comes, my daughters call me the "Meanest mom in the world." I think it's a badge that proves we're on the right track.

It's kind of interesting you don't hear truly abusive parents being spoken to like that. Just decent ones sticking by the rules. And, you've created a growth opportunity for your son.

As long as your ex doesn't directly undermine you by taking your son to get his license and buying him a car, I think it will turn out okay. I would try to have a dialog and get your ex's buy in if you can.

You did the right thing. You told him the expectations. You told him the consequences for not meeting those expectations. He did not meet them The consequences were imposed.

HUZZAH FOR ANNA!!!!!!

Wow, thanks all for the moral support. It's funny, yesterday OS was informing me that if I didn't stop being mean to me he wouldn't want to be around me when he grows up.......today he texted me several times during school to tell me stuff about his classes, etc. I know he knows I did the right thing, he just doesn't like it.

As to getting his dad on the same page, I doubt it. Not that I don't try, but his reaction to OS's bad grades was "those teachers don't know how to grade. he's got all A's and only a couple 0's......." Of course the 0's were on things that were worth alot, and therefore took more effort.

That is funny. When my son went to college, his dorm-mates who had permissive parents had really hateful relationships with them. They envied him, that he could hang with his parents and enjoy it.

I used to tell my kids I took Mean Lessons ... and got an A+!

Unfortunately, they stopped telling me I was mean before I got tired of telling them I took lessons. Like they got tired of hearing it or something. Go figure.

Anyway, if you show him that it doesn't bother you when he says you're mean (or better yet, take it as a compliment - it is, you know), he'll stop saying it.

One thing I try to instill in my DD is that teachers don't "give" grades, she earns them.

I got a progress report showing an F in algebra. I explained to her how easy it is to earn an F in algebra. An infant can scribble on a test page and earn an F. It takes absolutely zero effort. She was giving algebra zero effort.

I said, "I know you are smarter than an infant. You are actually very smart. Show me. Failure is not an option"

She managed to pick it up to a C+ by the end of the quarter and is currently maintaining a B and she's excited about it.

It also didn't hurt to spend an entire weekend doing algebra with mean 'ole dad rather then spend it with friends.

I must be meaner than you, Anna....lol. My Ds are now 24 and 18. My requirements for a permit were B's and above, AND a job, with their savings accounts building to pay for half of a purchased vehicle, and the extra insurance/gas money. Plus, they knew they'd better toe the line in any other categories, like their laundry, helping w/dinner, tidying up. Back-talk? Nope, they knew back-talk could march them right back to their rooms, another step away from that coveted freedom car!

Permits/licenses are earned, not gifted on a silver platter. A rite of passage not only from reaching a certain age, but demonstrating preparedness. I personally don't think most 16-year olds should be behind a wheel. Nor many 17 year olds. There's already a lot of adult drivers out there who can't (or won't) drive responsibly. I refused to add my children to the mix until I felt they were as ready as I could help them to be...which meant demonstrating huge leaps toward adulthood and independence.

I still had several evenings of anguish while they were newly licensed drivers, watching the clock until their safe return. Of course. It's what we dooooooo.....

Oh, by the way, possession of keys was a STILL a revocable privilege after getting them! Mean-mean-mean.

Anna, your Ex is using this situation to what he thinks is an advantage - he's the nice guy in your son's eyes. Kudos to you for standing your ground. STAND FIRM - it's from these lessons in life that shape our children, the tasks presented and mastering them, not the easy-way-outs. Your S will understand that in the years to come. I know I've had plenty of my own lightbulb moments - why my parents made me do things a certain way, and not necessarily the way my friends got to do it.

Sigh. I wish your Ex understood he's not doing your S any favors in this situation. Any way he might offer to help S drill for tests to raise his grades??? Then help him find a job?? Was the phone card actually sorta selfish, in that your S can use it to call dad, or to call his friends?

Hi Laura!

So nice to see you! We need to chat more, I always appreciate your insight.

Well, today, OS's dad showed up at 9 am, I was just about to go shower after getting to sleep in for once. (I usually leave for work at 5 am). I told him he should call first and he said "I did, I called OS, we're going to go do something". I said "wait a minute, OS has chores to do and he knows it, he needs to clear things with me, and YOU need to talk to me, not him, before making plans." OS knew he was supposed to mow and that my brother was coming with a mechanic friend and they were going to look at his car and see if they could figure out what's wrong with it. Well, his dad of course said what I wanted to hear, OS said what I wanted to hear and he mowed and came back when my brother got here and sort of looked at the car with the mechanic. But I think they were all just going through the motions to keep me happy.

Got a letter that OS needs to go to summer school for one class because he flunked it........he says he won't go. Since it's 9 am to noon, I won't be home to take him or make him go. I explained to him the consequences of not having enough credits to graduate, he didn't seem to care. His dad wasn't much help, he doesn't want to be the "bad guy"; he wants OS to like him as he's his only friend.

Oh, thought I'd explain about OS's car before someone asks. This was another "growing up"opportunity I tried to give him that doesn't seem to be working.

I aquired a 1990 Dodge Spirit for free. (Long story, doesn't matter.) It has some issues, but can probably be fixed fairly inexpensively. So, I told OS the car is his, if he pays for license and registration and pays for fixing it. I even offered to tow it to the mechanic. I figure the whole thing will come to less than $1000; pretty good deal for a decent car. But, does he jump on it? Get a job? Save up money? Nope. He does have his dad working on it, but his dad is fairly clueless with cars.

I can tell you from experience that you shouldn't give them something until they ask for it, until they really want it, because they won't appreciate it. Just hang onto the car, one of these days he's going to want it bad enough to make the effort. And then it will mean enough that he will step up and exhibit the gumption you're hoping for.

Anna - Any way at all to switch your work hours during the weeks of summer school?

Could you contact the school counselor to enlist their aid - maybe by seeing what other parents might be available for carpooling? (Also, there may be busses available for summer school....)

Could his dad take him?

Consider having a heart-to-heart with dad - and explaining especially since S doesn't seem real thrilled with school right now that taking the summer class gets him closer to his goal of graduating and being DONE with school (well, at least with high school....).

I agree with CP, giving a child a gift that wasn't really wanted isn't going to be appreciated. I understand why you're attempting, it was a good deal and actually some opportunities for bonding with other males, even his dad, clueless or not. I don't know how much impact it might have, but hey, no summer school, no car on the horizon.

Easier said than done, I realize...but you might mention to your S - hmm, now where did you get the idea that this summer class is elective, in that if you don't want to go, you don't have to? NO ONE likes to go to summer school, but you got yourself in this fix, buster, and you will responsibly get through it. Otherwise, you're telling me you're not old enough to accept responsibility for making your own decisions, and we'll be going wayyyy backwards in what you're allowed to do....SO m'dear, help me help YOU toward independence...you can DO this....

BTW, I checked out your blog. Very cool, thanks for sharing that with us. I feel I know you a little better.

That's a really good point. My D17 knows that she doesn't have a say, if I don't give it to her. Until she graduates high school, at least. I have never let her think she had a choice but for what I choose to allow her, lol. Good time to be the tough, mean parent.

Changing my hours isn't a possibility. I am the full time day cook for a nursing home and there's no way I can work anything other than 6 am to 2 pm. I am looking for another job, but nothing has panned out yet. His dad works similar hours, although he does live in town, so I think OS will stay with him and then he can ride his bike to school. If he decides to go. I didn't make it optional, but I won't be there to stand over him either.

As to having any kind of talk with his dad, it's difficult. He believes his son can do no wrong......and working things out with him when we were married was nearly impossible, now it's worse. I don't know how to describe conversations with him. He twists things around, is always right, doesn't listen.......there's a reason he goes through a job every 6 months, he's impossible to talk to. Very frustrating.