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Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I hear you (all of you). Bottom line for me is this - the number 1 rule of Plan A is Don't LB. If snooping has become an LB, it's time to stop. So maybe I am back to a fresh start on Plan A...intent on doing it right this time. I've considered everyone's advice and warnings...I hear and understand. And I still think that the path I've chosen is the right one. I'm going to follow it for a while. nonononononnonoo! Snooping IS NOT A LOVEBUSTER. It is an AFFAIR BUSTER. BIG DIFFERENCE! You won't have a marriage to save if you don't do it. The fact that your wife does not like something does not mean it is a lovebuster, 2lives. Snooping can help you bust up an affair. it is the AFFAIR that threatens your marriage, not her temporary anger because you caught her. A lovebuster is NOT defined as anything a terrorist does not like.  Here is a list of LOVEBUSTERS, and I assure you snooping is not on it! Selfish Demands Disrespectful Judgments Angry Outbursts Annoying Habits Independent Behavior Dishonesty This is not a matter of opinion, 2Lives, but a matter of FACT. Dr. Harley ADVOCATES SNOOPING!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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2Lives, I don't know your story completely, but if your W is still in an affair, then you should not be practicing RADICAL HONESTY.
RH is something to be used in RECOVERY when both parties have the others best interest at heart. You DON'T practice RH when you are UNDER ASSAULT and need to conceal affair busting tactic to defend your marriage. You are at war and you will LOSE if you give away your war plan.
If you do so, then you FORFEIT your DEFENSE and will end up dead. That is tantamount to DISARMING while under fire. NOT SMART!
Don't mis-use these principles in a way that will HARM your marriage, 2lives. Please apply some common sense here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Radical honesty with a wayward is like giving your war gameplan to a TERRORIST and trusting him to be good! :eek:
Don't twist these principles to accommodate conflict avoidance. That is not what they are for, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 89
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I am keeping all of that in mind, and it is being incorporated into my plan. Thanks for the input - there's obviously a consensus of opinion on the matter, and I know that you all are posting because you care. I do appreciate it very much.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am keeping all of that in mind, and it is being incorporated into my plan. Thanks for the input - there's obviously a consensus of opinion on the matter, and I know that you all are posting because you care. I do appreciate it very much. 2Lives, it is not a matter of "concensus" but a matter what is rational and correct and true. It is irrational to be "radically honest" when you are not in recovery, because it will IMPEDE your ability to protect your marriage from an affair. That is a true statement. It is IRRATIONAL to equate snooping on an affairee with having an affair. Do you think that the POLICE are being "dishonest" when they spy on drug dealers? Are they being IMMORAL to catch lawbreakers with spying techniques? Of course not! But that is exactly what you are saying when you equate snooping on her with HAVING an affair. There is absolutely NO moral comparison. One activity is virtuous [to catch someone in an affair] and the other is EVIL. [to have an affair] Please apply some common sense here, 2Lives. Your marriage is trouble enough without being crippled with foggy thinking on your part. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,515
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I have learned a few things from this poem. Perhaps there are a few gems here for you also.
SS
IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling
I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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