I feel like a total complete idiot. I actually dared to post here a week or so ago saying that we made it through this year without an OW. I'm sickened to say that I found the evidence this morning.

It's the same OW as last year. Apparently, he saw her in the town that he was getting physical therapy in from a job related injury (where she lives) and they started up their conversations again. I can't see very much activity, a few messages and short calls here and there, 16 minutes about a month ago, but she sent a text last night and she left a voicemail which I listened to this morning. My instincts are usually right on and I found his phone downstairs this morning and he had voicemail and all his text were deleted. Red flag.

So I listened and she said...hey just checking to see if you are all right. And I wanted to ask you...was it just a bad dream, all that stuff before? I'm sure she's referring to the fact that she found out he was married last time they started their little EA.

So I text her this morning and said, guess you didn't learn your lesson the first time, did ya?

He sent the NC text to her and cc'd me. But she text him back and forth after it 13 times, he claims that he was telling her to stop. It's all such a joke! I feel like a fraud, I feel paralyzed and an idiot.

I should say that he started counseling last week and yesterday he had a breakthrough about him being a liar, cheat, fake, phony, fraud, etc. I think that's the only reason he was even honest with me this morning when I confronted him. I didn't do it angrily and I left for work quickly before it got out of hand. We have been texting all day and I've only had a few small LB's. Nothing like I used to do when I found out.


And it always seems that right in the middle of it all, one of my children have a crisis. My youngest just got suspended for 5 days for graffiti in the bathroom.


So...the question is...do I save this marriage, is there anything worth saving or was it a fraud from the beginning too?? Is there a time when you just say enough is enough?

Hi Only,

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling like. But why do you feel like the fraud?

I wish I knew what to ask that would be helpful, but I don't. I'm so new to this in many ways.

You aren't the fraud. Unless there is more to this?

Because I come on this board and act as though I am in recovery and the truth is I haven't even made it past square one for 6 years!!!

I just e-mailed my Bishop the story and asked for help. I have never let anyone in any kind of authority or even close family members know. I have always protected him.

Did you believe you were in recovery?

I believed it for the last year. Although I had found evidence of acting out with porn sites and movies on 2 occasions, it seemed as though it was a HUGE improvement and he was telling me that he had rededicated his life to God and his family. I thought that the acting out were relapses that would lessen and lessen until gone even though I expressed my total dislike and non-agreement with them. I also fixed the cable account to make it impossible for him to order any porn movies and I monitor the laptop. But he has internet on his phone which he refuses to remove. I check it on occasion which is how I found the saved sites. He didn't realize they were in the temp history file.

We live in our own BS fog, don't we. Not fraud...

Post and learn and keep working towards what you need to learn and do.

I for one welcome you with open arms and will try and support you anyway I can.

I have to go to AA meeting... I'll check on you later..

Queenie


(((((((((((ONLY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you so much! I'm heading home from work right now as well.

You're right.....it's BS fog.

I've changed the subject line now...

So sorry this happened to you. But you did the right thing by letting your bishop know. It is never good to try to protect the WS.

It really sounds like he needs to get into a sex addiction program. Recovery Nation has an on line one where there is help for the BS.

I don't know. This doesn't seem like BS fog to me. BS fog is more about taking responsibility for the WS's behavior than it is thinking you're in recovery because the WS covers his tracks better.

Think about separating for a period of time. No discussion. No negotiation. Just -- you're out of here and I won't consider any contact for a year.

Let him think about what he has done.

Cherishing

Hi onlyUcan. I don't know if you remember me but I remember when you first arrived here in November 2002.

Can I make an observation? It seems as though your husband "plays" at being a Christian, but won't embrace what it means to BE a surrendered follower of Christ.

So how can we help you? Having taken almost 6 years for my own marriage to reach "recovered," I have an idea of what's been going through your mind since this latest "discovery." I had to "discover" everything myself too, as my wife would never volunteer information. But it would be better if you posted what is on your mind and what specific questions you might have.

So how about another hug of understanding, one that says "all is not lost, just another large speed bump on the recovery road?

(((((onlyUcan)))))


God bless.

Yes, ForeverHers, of course I remember you.

Thank you so much for being here to give the hug and support. I felt a release of tears and emotions as I read that you remember my story from that long ago. It's so heartbreaking.

Tonight I also stopped by my brother's house on the way home to tell him of what I have been living with for the last 6 years in a nutshell. I spoke of the porn addiction and the EA's. He was truly shocked.

My WH is angry with me for talking about it, he's being very cynical.

I'm just waiting to hear back from the Bishop. I did feel relieved to finally not be covering for him anymore. I think that is my accountability for sure in this process and maybe that's what lends it to BS fog. I hid this from everyone, my kids don't know, my family didn't know, my friends, no one but MBers.

I think he's feeling sorry for himself right now. I don't know where we will go from here. I know that I will be on an emotional roller coaster.

My oldest son is on a mission for 2 years, he's been gone 5 months. He was on a tough road before he changed his life and truly turned it over to Jesus Christ. I do have a testimony of the atonement of Christ and it is going to have to be up to my WH to decide if he wants to crawl out of this hole. He tends to feel sorry for himself and then I come to the rescue. Or I'm feeling totally emotionally beat up by the infidelity and he can come to the rescue. Kind of a sick cycle of co-dependency.

Cherishing:

I think by hiding it from everyone I was taking a bit of the responsibility burden from him and keeping myself in the fog.

I do feel like seperating from him. I have some considerations. He watches our grandson for a few hours before I get home from work - 4 month old. I need to find a reliable person to do that for me Monday through Thursday while my daughter attends night school. I need to look at the money situation and divide the bills and see if I can still stay in the house, but I know that's just the mechanics.

Thank you for caring.

I found additional phone records that show she calls him just about every day. He only answerd the phone 2 days at the end of April and 1 day in May. The longest call was 5 minutes.

As an addict, I think this is how he gets his fix, just like heroine. He did get into counseling last week, just not sure how deep they will go.

I do know that it's not my job to try to fix him anymore though.

He let me see the text messages that had been going on while I was at work. He was telling her to stop texting me and let it be done. Saying that he was to blame and that neither her nor I deserved it. Gag.

onlyUcan,

It isn't your job to fix him. It also wasn't your job to expose him. There was a dramatic case a few years ago of a woman who actually got her WH (who had gone to the MBW) on the "Dr. Phil Show" to talk about his affair, but even that exposure didn't end the affair. Exposure to a bishop may just cast the net wider for who gets fooled the next time he is repentent. It's not that it's a bad thing for you to call the bishop. It's just that it may or may not lead to a repentence on the part of your husband.

It's up to your husband. I think that a separation is a way to make it very clear to your husband that it is up to him to fix himself.

The person who is the fraud is your husband, so please don't be so harsh on yourself. If you worked on recovery in good faith and did your best, then you did your part, and it was your husband who did not do his part.

Cherishing

I don't think you are a fraud. I think you are living every BSs worst nightmare.

What were the boundaries you set for yourself after the first infidelity? I think you need to enforce those boundaries for yourself. IMO this in no longer much about WH. He has made his decisions, he has shown that he has not learned from his mistakes (or does not view them as mistakes). It is now about you, what you will tolerate in your life.

I think resumed contact between AP calls for very decisive action. I would go so far as to say that you should contact a lawyer and at least get a legal separation established and do what you can to get your H to leave the home. I think you should go forward with the assumption that the marriage is over unless your H does something to save it. It is time for him to WORK for the marriage if he wants it, and even then I think you should be very sceptical.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Cherishing:

My notification to the Bishop was coming from the perspective of asking for help and guidance for myself. I didn't do it like I was "tattling" on him. I told the Bishop that I had something that I had been keeping a secret (that's my accountability) and that I needed the healing and resolution that I deserve to help myself. What my WH does when the Bishop talks to him will be between the two of them and that is not my concern. My concern was to finally stop my BS fog by covering up for him.

Tyk:

Thank you for posting. I do feel the same way you have noted about moving forward assuming that it is over unless he does something to save it. I have done so much work for him and made it so easy.

I also stopped by my brother's house last night on the way home to share with him what I have been living with. I deserve to have the support of my family. My mother died 3 years ago so my brother is the next best thing I have. He is a kind and understanding man and loves my H dearly. He was truly shocked and his advice too was for me to talk to the Bishop so that we both can get individual and collective guidance and healing that we deserve.

It's time for me to be on my path without letting his needs overtake me. It's really my perception of his needs and even what I make up probably sometimes so I can fix the situation and make it all better. I have learned alot about letting people go through their own grief without trying to take it away in the last year with my children and some close friends. Who am I to stand in the way of God's plan?

Thanks again!

6 years??

From the outside looking in, it's easy to say, "Drop his sorry [censored] like a bad habit". NO WAY he deserves another chance. He deserves to be run over by a steamroller.

I've been told similar things by the few who know, though. It's hard to hear.

You'll do what you want, but he doesn't care one bit about you. Can you live with that?

onlyUcan,

I understand. Telling the truth to others does help to face it yourself. It also could help your husband to appreciate the harm he has done. Not a certainty, but a possibility. Good luck.

Cherishing

He said this morning in a text response to me.."I have never loved someone as much as I have you."

So why does he sabotage?

He also said last night..."You got your justice and I'm happy for you."

This would be the greatest extreme that has happened since I have been getting in the way of our recovery by protecting him, saving him, trying to fix him, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe now that he is going to have to take a stand for "something", we will see a shift. I'm not blind to not see that the shift could be either way though and I'm preparing myself for that. I did sense some cynicsm from him last night and earlier this morning. I know that he is angry, even though he says he's not, for me exposing some of this to the light that he's been able to hide from.

His father, who happens to be his hero (great man, don't get me wrong, I love him to death), tells "stories". He dramatizes things and in my harsh opinion, they are lies. I have had a problem with that from the beginning because it's something that my WH does as well. It affects our M and honesty is one of my most important needs.