My husband left me with three children three years ago to pursue a homosexual relationship and lifestyle. For three years, I have kept the belief God had told me he would bring him home. I have prayed relentlessly, I've been obedient, allowed him to change me, hope in Him, learned his word, learned to go to him and not everyone else, continued to stand firm even when everyone called me crazy, kept going to church and my job, never allowed the depression that was just under the surface to cause me to quit. My 40th birthday was yesterday and all I asked God for was my family to be restored. My children pray daily for God to bring home their daddy, but they see no results to their prayers. Quite frankly the "in God's time" isn't cutting it for them or me anymore. I don't want my reward in heaven. I want my husband to turn back to God, I want my children to have a dad at home, I want my husband back (the one I believed God had chosen for me); I want the spiritual leader back. I do not believe in divorce (we are not divorced or are we legally separated). He lives alone now, the other relationship not working out (surprise). He takes me and the kids to dinner all the time, spends holidays with us and then I don't hear from him for two weeks. I'm tired, I weary, I am desperate for God to move, I do not want to wait 10 years for God to work-my children need him home now. I won't give up-I don't even know how that would look different than what I do now, but I do not know how to keep believing for the impossible to become possible. I keep asking what God wants from me. I given it all to him. I've let him fight the battle and i've stayed on the sidelines praying (on my knees). Regardless of what has happened in the spiritual, I see nothing in the natural. I'm just not sure my prayers, my girls prayers or any of the hundreds of others going up for him is being heard or of any good. I'm depleted and despairing.

Don't blame God for your H's actions. He is a man of free will.

He chose another relationship and what he did to your family. God has nothing to do with it.

Go to plan B, go dark, and that will have an impact one way or another with your H.

The Lord helps those who help themselves.

Take action and quit hoping that a magic wand and some miracle will change things.

Is this the same God that allowed 100,000 people to die in a single typhoon in Burma recently?

Forgive me, but you need to assume that God either has no interest in your situation at all, or he's waiting for you to help yourself.

If he really cared about keeping your family intact, he wouldn't have "chosen" a gay man as your mate.

Then again, if he cared about keeping any family intact, he wouldn't have "created" us with the tendency to annihilate our spouses by having sex with anything with a pulse.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, luv2write. I know exactly how you feel, praying and being discouraged when nothing seems to change.

As someone just mentioned, people have free will. I have watched my WS slowly descend into a reprobate mind over the years. At first he recognized that his friendship with OW was wrong, and he'd take baby steps back, while not ending it. But over the years, with the off and on nature of it, there was always this buzzing of infidelity in his ears. Till finally, gradually, wrong became right. He hardened his heart against anything God was saying to it. If you bring up scripture to him that conflicts with what he is doing, he'll wave it off as not the real world. He takes OW and her kids to church. That's how far gone he is.

This was a man who made me excited about the Bible, and it guided his daily life.

I believe he is at a point where it will be very, very hard for him to repent. That's not God's fault, and it's not His fault that it hurts me and our daughter. He's just not going to take away a person's free will.

This is what I believe about my WS, that he's hardened almost to the point of no return, but I don't know yours. You never know what your prayers are doing - maybe they helped break up that relationship.

I'm at a point where I need to go dark on WS. Very dark. The bible talks about having nothing to do with sexually immoral people. Since infidelity is in that category, I don't think there would be anything wrong with not feeling you need to be there for your husband. Truly losing you may be just what he needs to repent.

Even as I say this, I haven't been able to do it myself. I just wanted to pop in here and say that I hope you'll keep praying, but don't let your eyes be the final judge on what is going on in your WS life.

L2W,

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, please read it asap so you can choose a plan.

Plans and prayers are powerful. You are fighting infidelity...get to know the real battlefield, your power and limits.

Thank you for moving your post...you matter.

LA

L2W:

Sorry about your circumstances.

Your WH leaving you for another man is really painful.

His pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh are MUCH easier if you persue a gay lifestyle.

However, this is Marriage Builders.

MB HAS a plan for restoring your marriage. And recovering it. It has recovered M's in much worse shape than yours.

Give us some more details about the length of your marriage, period of courtship, ages of your children, what your relationship was like with your H at various stages of your marriage, what efforts you have made to reconcile since he left, etc.

Really, this is salvagable.

LG

I do understand your position. I have a girlfriend who has lived apart from her homosexual husband for more than 12 years now.

Here is my advice - based on my observations of my friend's situation.

Have your husband purchase and make the payments for a large life insurance policy, with you as benificiary. Hire an attorney to draw up a trust that nails down all the financial loose ends so that any future "boyfriend/lover" that your WH may take up with does not inherit any of the family monies that should go to you and your children. If you need to file a legal separation agreement to make this happen, then do it. There is no reason in Heaven or Earth that you should permit your financial situation to deteriorate at the possible future whim of a WH who is homosexual.

Once you have accomplished this, continue to be the best Mom and person you can be. Protection comes first, for the sake of your kids.

Please, don't continue to have sex with your WH.

Pep

This to me seems like an example of someone confusing their own fears of moving on and being happy with God's will.

The BEST thing you could do for your children is to send this "man" packing for good. Divorce is the best solution in some cases and very few are as clear cut as yours. No matter what you "want"...it is time to act beyond praying.

I have to agree with MK. Your H is gay. That isn't going to change through prayer. It is who he is.

I don't know if it's biological or a "choice" but it is who he is and will likely stay that way.

I'd do the legal maneuvering suggested to you and get the D. You're otherwise condemning yourself to seeing your H go off on relationships regularly while you're married because you're never going to fulfill his desire to be with men.

I couldn't agree more ... this IS NOT a salvageable M ... this WH is GAY and no amount of praying will change that fact.

I've read here somewhere where Dr. Harley claims some success in bringing gay men back to their M's, but that's just a little too much to believe. My guess is has something to do with a WH that is willing to compromise himself to remain M'd for some reason, but you can't make someone "un-gay". IMHO, being gay isn't a choice ... its a biological fact.

Wow. I was not looking for discouragement and negativity. I was looking for people who would remind me that God is bigger than any problem, that it is His will for my husband to come home and not live this way, that not one of His promises has ever failed. I think I only saw one that said my marriage is still salvageable. I appreciate your replies, but I thought this was supposed to be a website in which builds marriages, not tells people to be done with it and divorce. I still got what I came for. The replies that were negative, reminded me of how much bigger God is than any of you seem to know. I'm not giving up. I do believe it is a sin choice, just like any other sin choice. I do believe he will be disciplined for this and I do believe God is bigger than my husband's free will.


For the one who asked the questions. We had been married 14 years and 2 days when he walked out. Neither of us has filed any papers and I'm fine with that as long as he never tries to keep my kids overnight. I'm very close to his family as they are not okay with his lifestyle. They continue to love him, but have set boundaries just like I have. I still wear my wedding band, but he doesn't wear his. We had a great marriage (although he is very OCD) up until his grandmother died about 7 years ago. At that point he changed and seemed to be dealing with things from his childhood. He became more and more critical and angry until I figured out what he was doing. Now I am waiting for God to move. Unlike many of the people who responded, I don't think I am to do anything but wait. I think prayer is the best and only thing I can do. It will not be me that changes him-It will be only God.

L2W,

Nothing to do but wait? Does God lead you? Do you believe he led you here, for a reason?

You can participate in fighting for your marriage more than you have been doing...I believe Dr. Harley's life's work is God-inspired. No doubt in my mind. Reading his articles, understanding his experience and putting into action a plan for your marriage, IMO, would help God help your marriage.

Help you.

You're correct you cannot change your WH...nobody here can change anyone...doesn't mean that God isn't desiring of you to change and grow, anyway, maybe?

In your last post, does that mean you won't be reading Harley's book on affairs, or his many marriage books?

LA

Well, if you wanted us to just parrot what you already seem to have decided...why be here? Bottom line is, I offered the suggestion which I think will allow you to lead a happy, productive and God centered life.

I believe based on your post that you are not thinking clearly and that you feel that God will deliver what YOU want. I think that what you will find is that many more years pass with possibly a false recovery or two in there and you will be left with nothing but a failing faith. Prayer has its place...but I heard this once and I think it applies very well to you...

Trust in God, but lock your doors.

The replies were not negative...they were honest. I KNOW how big God is. I also know how big delusion can be at times.

Try not to confuse the two.

Good luck.

luv2write, do you imagine that God is a cosmic puppeteer that forces people to do things against their will? Should God remove your husband's FREE WILL and make him abide with your wishes?

luv, if you are a Christian, you well know that God does not work like that. Our God is a loving God who gives us the free will to CHOOSE GOOD, he does not force His will on us. He does not force YOUR WILL on others at your demand.

There is nothing positive about having unrealistic, silly expectations. Perhaps your H will choose to come back some day, but there is no reason to believe so. And there is no reason to believe that God will force your H to do something against his will.

God allows divorce in the case of adultery.

You have choices. God gave you those choices. He is allowing you to spend your time trying to find a reset button? He will also allow you to spend your time moving on with your life and finding an appropriate relationship that will benefit you and your kids.

Denial. You found it. Now what are you going to do with it?

Does denial help your kids?

Clue: There is NO reset button in life.

You confuse God's plan for you with your own desires for what God wants from you. I don't know you. I don't know your husband. I do know that once your husband came out of the closet, he is unlikely to go back in at about the 100% probability point.

Now you can waste the rest of your life wishing, or you can do what God wants and that is to exercise the free will he gave you and get on with your life of providing for your kids and yourself with not only material things, but also spiritual. For one thing, they need male guidance on a daily basis, right?

Larry

There's people who watch their children die as they try to pray them to health as well while medical treatments arrived at through God given intelligence go unused.

Sorry. Your H is gay. God won't make him straight any more than he'll magically reverse diabetes that's killing someone.

Pray for his soul. Don't pray to have God give you things. God does as he wishes not as you ask.

Luv2write - please accept my hug of understanding what you are feeling, but please also accept my following words as someone who is also a fellow believer.

What you are "seeing" as 'discouragement and negativity' is truth about your situation. The "difference" is "whatever you ask IN MY WILL," not in our wants and desires. Please do not forget that God is FIRST most interested in each of us INDIVIDUALLY. Marriage only exists here on earth and is supposed to "reflect," "mirror," whatever term you'd like use, the relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.





Those who know me on this system, l2w, know that I believe this.
He also wanted to "save all of Israel."

But...

how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but [color:#CC33CC]you were not willing. [/color] (Matt. 23:37b, emphasis added)

And...

"Do you not know that the wicked WILL NOT inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immmoral nor idolators nor adulterers not make prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards not slanderers nr swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what SOME OF YOU WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." (I Cor. 6:9-11, NIV, emphasis added)

Your husband is "not willing."





Have you? What God "wants" from you is for YOU to follow Him in humble submission to HIS will for you, not His will for someone else, or that He be in submission to YOUR will.




Since when has God said that we are to NOT DO, to ACT, to STAND for what He has already revealed to us? Is God some giant "gift machine in the sky were His only purpose is to grant us any and all 'wishes' we have, regardless of His knowledge of whether or not what we are asking for is good for us and OUR relationship with Him?




Let me share a little something with you on this "frustration with God for not giving you a "yes" to what you and others desire, even sincerely desire out of concern for your husband's soul.


Posted by ForeverHers (Member # 19263) on August 05, 2003 06:44 AM:

For the days when you feel as if God is not hearing your pleas or is remaining silent as you seek Him in prayer.....

THE BLESSING IN "NO"
=====================

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said "No."
It is not for Me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said "No."
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said "No."
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted,
it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said "No."
I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said "No."
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said "No."
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said "No."
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!

Author Unknown

(MountainWings #3217 A MountainWings Moment




It is such a website, luv2write. But it also does not "condone" or "tolerate" twisting of the truth. That's "wayward spouse" sort of thinking in order to "justify" and "rationalize" doing, or not doing, whatever the INDIVIDUAL wants to do.

GOD, not MB nor the members here, GRANTED the right to a divorce to ALL betrayed faithful spouses. WHY do you think GOD (Jesus Himself while instructing the Pharisees), not MB would give us God's own unequivocal TRUTH that a marriage CAN end?

If you want to talk more about what God's Word has to say about your situation, your husband, and whether or not God wants you to be "unequally yoked," then I will take some time to discuss those things with you and any questions you might have.

Practicing homosexuality is an abomination to God.
Practing adultery is forbidden by God.

NO one who truly accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior will continue for long in willful sin because they LOVE God, not themselves. "And some of you WERE such."

If you think you are being some sort of "martyr for the cause" here, l2w, let's talk about that a little. What you are doing is enabling his behavior by removing consquences for his choices. If it "requires" the "death" of your marriage, are you willing to sacrifice that so that your husband's soul could be saved?

Please don't "run away" because your feelings may feel hurt or that you aren't "hearing what you want to hear." TALK about these things.

God has brought sincere believers to MB and sometimes uses them and the struggles they have endured and gone through to help other believers in their own struggles.

God bless.

L2W:

You noted that nobody supported you in thier posts to you.

That might be true, it might be easier to cut and run. To simply divorce your HUsband.

You have a VERY DIFFICULT road ahead for you. Whether God is in your back pocket or not.

What efforts have you made to fight this? Your second post stated a number of things, but we need more.

MB is about plans. Plan A is the start. Plan B is needed later. Please look for posts about these Plans.

LA asked if you read any of Dr. Harleys Books. Surviving and Affair is mandatory in your case. His Needs, Her NEeds and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. should also be read and consulted frequently.

These are the things that you CAN DO. Praying helps calm you and keep your focus, but you have to be working a plan when your not praying.

So far, it doesn't sound like you have ran much of a plan. And that's ok. You have had plenty of interations with your wayward husband so that we know that he still wants (a least the appearance of) you and the kids and his marriage.

MB is about a plan. We can help you formulate and implement a plan. There are plenty of threads around here of folks in more precarious marriage then yours that have recovered. There are also plenty that have not succeeded in recovering and ended in divorce and or very long-term estrangement.

The odds are against you with this one. But if your willing to learn, and fight, and implement the MB plans, the posters here will help. If you simply state that you expect prayer to do it, you won't get much support.

The fact that your husband wishes to pursue a gay life style and affairs changes the dynamics of fighting this A only slightly. Dollar to a donut, I would suspect that your husband had some very repressed and unmet sexual fulfillment (SF) needs. That grew as your marriage continued. I could be wrong. Please review the SF emotional needs information on this website, and please review that information with as open a mind as possible.

L2W: Your in for one tough battle. But a battle plan is available to you. Your army is outnumbered in this fight, but your army is smarter, experienced and much more resourceful than your opponent. Remember that.

LG

I haven't seen one more precarious than this recover.


We can help with personal recovery...her husband is gay. So, unless we direct her to get a sex change...her husband isn't coming back.




Yes, and they involve equipment that she doesn't own.


The best thing anyone can do for this person now is to help her get on with her life. Three years have already been wasted...she doesn't need to throw away any more of her life.

I hear a hint in your post of something I struggled with during my husband's affair and abandonment. I felt FORCED to live OUT OF God's will for my marriage because my husband MADE this CHOICE.

I KNEW that GOD'S desire is for there to be no divorce. So, I kept saying to myself, I can't believe that God won't restore my marriage.

God did restore my marriage. But I had to first face the reality that sometimes marriages are not restored, even though there is a faithful, committed BS praying and battling in the spiritual realm.

So, why is that?

Just as so many have told you here....FREE WILL. God does not bully us into loving him. That would not be love, then, would it? It is when we CHOOSE to LOVE him that our ACTIONS demonstrate our love (although imperfectly).

While my husband was living out his choice to sin, I had to come to grips with the reality that my husband could choose to turn from God for the rest of his life.

You see, very few people here on your thread doubt God's greatness. But we've all faced this reality. Our WS's get to CHOOSE to follow God and be restored or CHOOSE NOT to.

I suggest you file for divorce. I believe it is for situations such as yours that God grants us the right to divorce. You are faced with an unrepentant man who is choosing the sin of adultry and homosexuality. Divorce is a consequence that your WS SHOULD be facing. I personally believe God gave us this "out" so that we would no longer be bound to the sin and evil of our spouses. Our one flesh needs to be separated again, because we should not be bound to evil.

Your situation simply boils down to an unrepentant spouse who continues to choose evil over good. And you are choosing to be bound in mind, body and spirit to evil. I do not believe that is God's will. We are told to flee from evil. It is time for you to flee.

You can pray for him for the rest of his life. I would if I were you. Pray for him to be restored to God.

But, move on with your life. Your stubbornness here, may be preventing some blessings God desires to give you and your children...perhaps a new spouse and a healthy marriage to model to your children while they are still young enough to reap the pleasures of it.

Sometimes we must speak truth IN LOVE. I hope you realize that the believers here on your thread are speaking to you IN CHRIST'S LOVE. We do not doubt the greatness of our God, but we understand free will.