I don't post here often because I believe that, once again, WS has found my posts. But at the moment, I don't care. I need fast advice.

On mother's day, WS decided to send me a lovely present: and emailed threat that if I do not go to mediation with him on Friday, he will file and the sheriff will come to my office to serve me. Says he's not trying to embarrass me, but if I don't come to mediation, that's what will happen.

He has made two other appointments since late last year, and I have cancelled both of them, saying I wasn't going to participate in destroying our marriage. He didn't push too hard - the first time he wasn't really ready and cried. The second time was right after we sold our house, so OW was pushing to end her marriage--no doubt to share in the proceeds from our home sale. He set up another mediation appt at the same time, in January. After I refused to participate, she slowed down as well. But then OW went ahead and started mediation last month, and has perhaps been pressuring him. But I don't know that for sure. It could just be him being ready to move on, now that he has a "new" family....

After being an involved father - visiting our dd every day - he moved an hour away to live in Ow's same neighborhood in March. She has two kids. She has been trying to alienate her husband from his own kids - telling him he's a bad father, and saying who knows what to them because they won't talk to him as much - and propping WS up as an ideal father. He sees them every day, and ferries them to church every Sunday, pretending they are his family now. Our dd is 4 and he's told me he wants 50/50 custody. He already has her around those people two nights a week - I've seen if I can stop this legally, and I can't. As long as she's not abusing her, I can't keep him from taking her around OW. But beyond that, I don't think she should be bouncing from house to house at this age. If he wants to see her more, he shouldn't have moved. Wait. Maybe he shouldn't have decided to boink his co-worker and destroy our family.

Well, I spoke to a lawyer who said that anyone over 18 or a process server can serve me papers if WS chooses - the sheriff thing is crap meant to intimidate me into participating in mediation. It's hard because after all he's done, part of me would still like to reconcile, and going to mediation feels like giving up. But on the other hand, I really would like to settle matters and get him out of my life. He's determined to have 50/50 custody, but I have no intention whatsoever of budging.

I don't know what to do. Go to mediation and try to figure things out "amicably," or let him go ahead and file and contest it. One of the things that's so offensive about it is that OW chose this mediation service for her divorce, and WS thinks I don't know. The very thought of potentially sitting my body in the same chair that held this horrible, disgusting, worthless, unwashed, evil trash ho who stole my husband, makes me want to take a two-hour shower.

(I'm not usually that descriptive of her traits. But my therapist says I should let that kind of stuff out and stop being so freaking nice.)

I promised WS a response to his email tonight. What would you do? Refuse for the third time?

I don't know what state you are in, but I'll share my experience in the State of California.

Once in family court if you don't have an amicable agreement, the judge assigns you to a mediator and you have to go into the room and discuss both sides. You end up with the same mediator for the rest of your court life, so to speak. If you go back on another issue with the kids, etc. you get the same mediator. These are not paid mediators by you or your spouse, they are court appointed and frankly, they form their own opinions which the judge thinks very highly of. I have had things happen right in front of me with my kids that I don't agree with, but the mediator just decides that's what is going to occur.

You may be better off going to the paid mediator to see where he's coming from. In the end, if you are in the State of California, your spouse will get 50/50 custody unless there is something extremely blatant.

I would go....you might just be putting it off because of your pain and in the end, you need to be able to move on.

Good luck and God Bless.

I don't know whether it's the same in my state...but if you have lawyers to fight for your child's best interests in CA, how does the mediator fit in that scenario?

Also, my lawyer said he thinks the average is 25/75 custody in favor of the mother in our state.

I guess I also have a visceral response to threatening me on Mother's Day--why? It felt so calculated and despicable when we've been "amicable" for the sake of our daughter--and using the same mediator as the affair partner. I can move on...just not on those terms.

If mediation is not court-ordered, you DO NOT have to agree to attend. Most of the time (and I'm in the legal field) both parties AGREE on the mediator. There's a reason for that. Let him file on his nickel and let the court decide what's best... not a mediator that OW chose, yuck!

Don't do anything you don't want to do. He is trying to bully you and is preying on your fears. I was in the same boat and sooo wish I hadn't agreed to anything.

Don't do it. He wants a divorce he can work for it.

Start documenting.

An adulterer is a bad parent by definition. He doesn't deserve time with the kids until he gets his head out.

I'm all for father's rights, but not cheating ones. Believe me, you're a woman. The courts favor you and they don't look to kindly on cheating men.

Do nothing. That's the best way to upset affair land. Go dark.

Don't feel a visit from the sherrif (or anyone) to be something to be embarrassed about. Just explain to your colleagues why it is happening and leave it at that. They will likely support you anyway. There's no custody issues in my sitch as DS is almost 20, but I am expecting the sherrif to arrive with my divorce papers any day now. WstbxH has been pressuring me to sign them for about 6 months. In my jurisdiction, I could file myself and get a D right away due to his adultery. Since I handled the LSA, and that's all you need around here to be considered no longer married (D is only required to remarry), I refuse to put any money or effort into the D. When he first asked me to sign them, I said I would only do it if he checked the adultery box and named OW. He refused and threatened me with being served at work. He couldn't file himself until 2 weeks ago when our year of legal separation was up. Given that he tried at least 5 times to get me to sign earlier, I'm pretty darn sure the papers have been filed and it's just a matter of time before I see them. I'm sure I won't be the first person the sherrif visited at my work and I have no problem explaining why he/she is there.

I believe mediation cant be forced. Check with your lawyer.

Just tell him no thanks. Don't cooperate with someone who is trying to destroy your marriage, lest you end up with a...............destroyed married.

Engaging in mediation with a WAYWARD is like negotiating with a TERRORIST. Let your lawyer do your negotiating, if any, and make it as hard as possible for your H to divorce you. His affair will die, but divorce is permanent, so you want to do everything to drag it out.

Thank you SO MUCH. I was just about to send WS an email acquiescing to his attempt to make me into a doormat, once again.

I'm a little fearful of the courts making the decision, though....

And thank you for tapping into my utter disgust at his bullying, and using a mediator OW chose.

Can I just say what a horrible monster she is? She has been preying on and disrespecting my marriage for 10 years, and for me to have to go to a mediator that SHE CHOSE to end it is the height of awful in this world.

Can I vent a little more? WS met me a year after my mother passed away, back in the late 80s. He helped me to heal. With therapy years ago, I learned to cope with her loss in healthy ways, and I rarely cry or feel deep sorrow. But one of the excuses he used to explain to the world why he left was that I had "abandonment issues over my mother" that caused me not to trust him. My therapist begs to differ.

Here is a man who always had some special female friend on the back burner throughout our relationship - rarely had any close male friendships. And then OW became his best friend, and he refused to end it, even after I confronted him with their "nobody understands me the way you do" emails. And my trust issues all had to do with my mom?

Long before we separated, OW wrote a nasty little poem about the loss of a mother in his blog comments, that had nothing to do with his blog entry. When I told him that it was directed at and hurt me, he said he asked her about it and she told him she had no idea why she wrote those words. It was just a poem that came to mind. He believed her, and later bashed me in front of our therapist for being paranoid and picking on her. Mind you, I never said a word to her - apparently he was just steaming and boiling at the idea that I could say anything negative about the woman he 'loves.' His unwillingness to see how evil she is for wanting to hurt me over the death of my mother, lead him to vehemently and unnecessarily defend her.

These two people collaborated to send me an email regarding divorce on Mother's Day. What is wrong with them? Just monstrous. Is there any hope that this is just a WS behavior, and he can change?

I am going to change my email dramatically now. It is going to be hard for me to stand up to him, so if you are a praying sort, please lift me and my daughter up.

Oh, and for the person who said WS' are bad parents - he gave our daughter a cupcake for dinner the other night. OW was out of town, so perhaps he was feeling withdrawals since they are together 24-7 and he just couldn't cope with childcare. DD begged me to pick her up that night, just wanted mommy. Kids know bad parenting when they see it.

Imagination, I think we were posting at the same time, please see my post just above yours. Dr. Harley would agree with your decision to not engage in mediation!

Here is something else, Imagination, I suspect the big push for amicable D comes from the OW. If you are served by a sheriff, your H will feel incredible GUILT. A guilt that will grow into RESENTMENT against the OW.

Yes! Let her pressure him! Let her nag him and push him into action against you!

That will certainly cause her to LB him.

Don't be a willing participant in your D. I was and paid a heavy price for it. Make them do all the work and make it long and painful and slow and difficult.

Fight for your marriage. Appeasement only gets you divorced faster and screws you in the end.

I don't think it is possible for you to be any more right, Melody.

When we first separated, my dad told me to suggest mediation to WS, in the event we do divorce. He said it was best for our daughter for us to try to remain friends. I wish I'd never brought up the word divorce, because then it was on the table and WS hadn't mentioned it. A few days later, he was saying he wanted one, but doing nothing.

Then, I stupidly pushed him to make that first mediation appointment, on the advice of friends who said I should protect myself as the sale of our home drew near. Then I thought better of it and I cancelled it, and he showed every indication of being a bit relieved.

OW, however, was livid, according to OWH. She said that he and I were in cahoots, coming up with some evil scheme to block her "happiness," I suppose. Because, unknown to me, I cancelled the appointment on the same day OWH decided to move back in their house after she kicked him out under false pretenses, claiming she needed time to herself, when she really just wanted to feel free to have sex with my husband without her own husband hovering.

So, as entitled as she is, she was offended because I made the decision not to start the process of ending my marriage. As if it is any of her business, and I'm some kind of tool, obligated to serve her needs. Yes, she has a lot of nerve.

OWH showed me emails where she was pushing for them to have an "amicable" divorce. She read some book called "The Good Divorce" and thinks she knows everything about how everyone can make her theft of WS as easy for her as possible. For the kids, of course.

Yes...I know WS is responsible for his hefty part in this...my therapist told me to get all these feelings out about her, so whatever I say is going to weigh heavily on her back.

As for guilt, WS has struggled with detaching from me, while she cut her husband out of her heart immediately, deciding WS was a much better catch than him. Particularly when he got that huge equity check. I really can't tell where he is with his feelings for me right now, since he did that Mother's Day thing. He bent over backwards to be nice to me the next day - as per usual - but I think he really poured it on because he wants me to agree to the mediation. To being: amicable.

Thank you for Harley quote. I needed that.

Waywards will really mess with your mind.

Mine went on dates with me, feeding the idea that there was "hope". I fell for every bit of it and gave her the quick and amicable D she wanted.

Guess where I am two years later? That hope is gone. It was all fake and a good way to manipulate me into giving in on everything from the custody of the kids to everything we owned.

So don't fall for the tricks of "nice". They're ways of manipulating you and playing with your feelings and emotions.

I would sue the OW in conjunction with OMH. Maybe you guys can come together to sue each other's spouses for alienation of affection.

Or come up with something. Mental cruelty. I'm sure a lawyer can get creative.

This is warfare and the OW can go to he11.

Almost forgot about this:

[/quote]

This was ABSOLUTELY on the money. I went on the mediator's website yesterday, and there was a video that would make every BS here gag. It was called "the cause of divorce." This professional said that people come to her all the time saying that an affair was the cause of a marital breakup. She said she counters that the issue is the marriage. If there weren't problems in the marriage, there would be no place for a third party.

Well, I haven't heard of one marriage that doesn't have problems. Two people, not three, are supposed to work them out. The third party, who definitely has an agenda, compounds small, resolvable matters into divorce-level offenses. Then makes herself conveniently available. This is what happened to my marriage.

But anyways, then I knew exactly what I'd be getting if I sat down with this mediator, someone supporting WS' false claims that OW had nothing to do w/him abandoning his family. To make matters worse, they have a therapist in the room, to emotionally batter me further with that lie. The website said the therapist helps the process toward the divorce move faster.

So, I'm going to sit in a room with my WS and two professionals trained to convince me to end my marriage so s/he can get paid? NO thanks.

Imagination, your WS and his OW sound just like mine and I just love your descriptions of her. I hope you don't mind if I borrow them now and then. Your description of your WS's being nice so he can get what he wants is EXACTLY like my WstbxH. Mine also uses the word "amicable" a little too often. It's almost funny - he will call up dripping with syrup to ask about something and if I say no, he explodes into a rage. Talk about Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. I have been gradually getting more immune to these attacks since they are so predictable now. Absolutely DO NOT give in to any requests regardless of how sweet or sorry he sounds. Even if it sets him off, by the next time he wants something he'll act as though it never happened.

Oh, and OW is on the 2nd A that OWH knows of so she's just like your WS's OW as well. Gotta wonder where they find these people don't you?

"Good Divorce" is an oxymoron.

Thanks for all your responses....

So, I did the passive aggressive thing: nothing. I didn't respond to his email.

There are a million things I've wanted to say to him over the past several days, since he exacerbated the pain of my first mother's day as an abandoned single mom by threatening me with the sheriff. But, in the end, I said nothing.

He went to the mediation appointment alone. He called me from their office, sounding understanding and patient - no doubt because professionals were sitting there that he felt the need to impress. But then he came to my house with arms folded, steamed...yet conflicted. Clearly, he was angry because he wasn't able to bully me into submission. Yet, he made a point of telling our daughter to hug me good-bye.

He's so far gone, I don't know if I want to be married to him anymore, so part of me feels like I made a mistake by not going to that session and organizing things. But the greater part of me is saying, regardless of whether I want the marriage, I don't want it to end on his terroristic terms...esp not with the mediator that whore selected. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? She thinks she can come up with a program for destroying my family and I'll go along with it. The audacity is astounding.

Now he has to grow up and do what he said he wants to do: file for divorce. He can't hide behind a mediator. He's got to go down the courthouse and destroy his family, with his own hand, without my help.

On top of everything else, he HATES spending money. I am sure the prospect of throwing thousands of dollars to the wind through a court battle is eating him alive. One of his problems is that he never has to face consequences. Well, here they are.

But I have a question -- if you were me, would you tell him that you know the mediator is the one OW selected, or just let it go? I don't want to cause further issues for OWH. Plus, I know he'll be even more angry because he'll feel "betrayed." He gets beyond livid whenever he gets wind that we've been talking, and on top of how ticked off he already is, I don't know if it's worth it.

I hear ya' Mag...

WH Mr. Gray's OW (a.k.a. Slag) was encouraging him to have ME committed in their early IM sessions.

She also said she'd go with him to talk to a divorce attorney.

In the end, the one who sought the attorney was ME, but I HAD to.

And then they came to the first hearing in the same car. OWH was there as well. We had them both subpoenaed. LOL! Her at work. So be prepared for anything!!

Take care,

Charlotte

And kudos to you for standing your ground!!