I'm sure I'm not the only BS who has wanted to know an answer to the question "why".

Is it worth even asking, has anyone ever received a true answer to the question?

I asked in a text (since I'm at work)...he replied - Because I am no good, fixed beliefs, broken man.

Hmmm

I don't think that even my FWH knows why. The only reason that I can think of is that he was not aware that he needed to set boundaries and he didn't. He now has them. That is the only thing that will prevent it from happening again with either of you.

It is crucial to spend the recommended 15 hours a week together to reconnect. Too many newly BS want to delve too far into the "whys" of an A with a WS who may have gotten involved with OP because they felt they could not talk to their S.

JMHO but after FWH and I decided that we wanted to save the M we took the time to reconnect and bond first. We fell back "in love" with each other and it became easier to address the whys. By then, most of the whys had been resolved.

We are all different but that worked for us. Wondering why would have made me crazier.
Say

The question "Why?" places the cause for the affair outside the wayward. It can never be more than a rationalization or a poor attempt at justification at best.

I think the better questions are "How? " and "What?"

As in, how did this happen and what will prevent it from happening again in the future?

Both of these require the wayward to address how it was that they were able to fall into justification for the affair and what they will do in the future to make sure they don't make the same misstakes again.

If the "Why" is answered with "Because you did not meet all of my ENs," then the solution going forward seems simple. Just meet all of your spouse's ENs. But what if for some reason I can't do that? What if I am called away to military service or to care for a sick relative or my job requires me to leave home for months at a time? What if I get sick and end up disabled in a way that prevents me from doing much of anything for my spouse and she has to do everything for me? What then keeps a spouse faithful?

The solution must be in the former wayward sposue to find those answers. I can't make my wife remain faithful. That is something she must do for herself.

Mark

You will never get a satisfactory answer.

The why will certainly not come from the wayward.

2 years later and I still get fog babble over what she did.

She said in a recent email, "I never meant to hurt you?"

Really? So going on dates wouldn't hurt me? Talking to other men online wouldn't hurt me? Having physical relations wouldn't do it? Taking the all our belongings in the divorce and taking the kids wouldn't hurt me?

Yes, they are callous soulless creatures with no conscience.

You will not get a why and dwelling on it will not get you anywhere. The things I mentioned bothered me for a very long time but I've learned to let go of it and not dwell on them. She pushes the buttons now and then, but I am at a place now where I can let it go much sooner than I did in the past.

Thanks guys!


How did this happen?

And this could be related to EN not being met. What about when an addiction is present? What if there is time being spent together and many good things happening as well. It baffles me.



What will you do to prevent it from happening again in the future?

That makes total sense to me because it's an action plan, something tangible that I can touch, hold on to, etc. But again when an addiction is present, it feels like the action plan is a facade.


I'm confused, it doesn't make any sense to me. I have let it go over and over again, only to be in this same place over and over again for 6 years.

Is it just boiling down to boundaries and my own inability to have an action plan?