Remember that there are FAR WORSE things that could happen to your family.

One of the worst of them would be for her to COME HOME being the person she is now.

You are fighting for the sanctity of your family - with or without her.

You should staple the 10 commandments onto the Plan B letter with "Thou shall not commit adultery" in bold.

Guys, I can't find OM W's name anywhere. I've already spent $79 online for the stupid Intellus report on him, it didn't tell me anything I didn't wlready know. Other suggestions?

Didn't she call your WW last week? Can't you get that # off of your cell phone bill?

Say

Aband,

"I am now beyond the hurt, fear, and heartbreak that this has caused. I am now angry (this is new to me)."

FEED THAT FIRE, BROTHER!!

I suggest printing out that last paragraph of your post and re-reading it hourly to keep your focus.

Get plenty of sleep, exercise, lay off the sauce (if you drink), eat right, and love you children.

STAY STRONG AND FOCUSED. SHOULDERS BACK, STAND UP STRAIGHT, AND GET BUSY.

THAT HIGH ROAD IS THE PLACE TO BE.

kirk

I took her cell phone, it was in my name and shares minutes w/ my kids. I don't know where she was when OM's W called or what phone it might have been to.

AW3,

Just wanted to cheer you on...I've been reading the latest of your posts and it sounds like you are really taking action. Great job! You deserve the freedom you will feel from doing that for yourself and your children.

As for the name, I can only think of if you had the SSN and ran a credit report or if the phone is listed in both names. Perhaps information might give that up, probably not. Have you tried www.reverseswitchboard.com (I think that's it) to look up the home phone number, if it's listed and if you have it and if it's in both names.

Hmmm...hope someone has a good idea for ya!

Hang in there.

Can't you pastor find out who his W is?

How about calling that PI Mel suggested?

It's only in his name. Apparently, she left him, took the kid, then he found a job there and followed. I know she is in the area, but I don't know her first name and they have a VERY common last name.

I just emailed the PI. I'll let you know what they say. From searching online, it appears that our states marriage records are not accessible.

Can anyone direct me to a few examples of the BEST PBL letters on this board?

I know this is time consuming but get a written printout of her cell phone bill and go through and cross out all names you recognize. Then eliminate the others by using *67 and calling from your cell. Get creative. Most of us could be PIs by the time we go through this evil mess. (:

Say

Or save yourself the time and give $100 to a PI to do a background check. They have access to databases not available online. You'll be surprised by what they give you.

Just be specific with the PI that you want the contact info for the guy's W, and stuff on him as well.

You may never know. You may find out he's got 7 kids and has been arrested for indecent exposure or married 3 times.

I'm going to assume that b/c you didn't reply to my questions about leaving her things outside means that you don't want to do that.

Do you think that leaving her things outside is mean?

Not nice?

I'd argue that it is what a self-respecting man would do under these circumstances.

It will embarrass and annoy her, yes, but it will also cause her to RESPECT you.

Something I'd venture to guess she hasn't done in a looooong time.

PBL should be a type of love letter.

Begin by telling her how much you love her and want your M. Tell her about times that you've shared together that meant the most to you.

Tell her you don't want the same M anymore. You want a new M where you both can be happy and in love...and that you have a plan on how to accomplish that.

Then tell her that in order to protect your love for her, you are requesting that she not contact you except in an emergency...or through an intermediator.

Tell her what she must do in order for you to take her back again. NC, MC w/ Dr. Harley, IC for her, ect...

Here's an example of a good PBL.

I can't remember who wrote it. I'm sorry I'm not able to give him credit for it.

Dear WW,

It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us, and the path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation.

I know I have made mistakes in the past and I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made it possible for your current relationship with another person. I do know those things I was lacking in - I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I am continuing to grow as a husband, and will continue working to further understand my shortcomings in our marriage.

The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only consolation is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to commit to spend my life with you and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again.

Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are rapidly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, and cherished. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with another person. It has become too painful.

Until you commit to a verifiable plan of No Contact with OM, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way.

I ask that you respect my decision to break off contact from you in this way. You must know the deep pain and humiliation I have endured because of your relationship with another man, especially given that it is at our shared place of employment. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer and this action is a necessity to preserve my love for you, to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery should you make the choice to save what can still be saved.

I will only be willing to discuss a future together as soon as you are willing:
• To permanently separate/have absolutely no contact with OM
• To construct a plan together to ensure a complete separation
• To write a No Contact letter to OM, which we will review and send together.

I have loved you in many different ways; as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a confidant and as a friend. I have loved you every one of the 17 years I have known you. I still love you today.


Your Husband,

ab3
Marriage records are public records and therefore the public has access to them. It will probably cost you a documentation fee, but they are none the less, acessible. Lots of hard work though and I think it would be well worth the money to have the stats on OM's M. Especially his W's name and current address and phone number!

Here is why I say this. OM claims his W left him six months ago.
..............WHY?............

Did it ever occur to you that this had something to do with YOUR W?

I don't buy the idea that your your WW met this OM and is ready to throw away her children, husband, and life after a two week relationship and a ONS with OM.

OTOH, you stated just recently that it is no more than a phone convo with OM who lives 4 hours away. Do you really believe this??????

I do believe it is imperative for you to contact OM's W.

There is a saying aroung here that goes like: If a WS's lips are moving, they are lying!

I don't believe you have even begun to uncover just how long this A has been going on. I for one, do not believe it was a ONS after a mere two weeks!

I only know because that is exactly what my FWW tied to convince me of. Only to be crushed by the real truth, years later.

Make contact with OM's W, at whatever cost. Find out the real truth.

All Blessings,
Jerry

scroll down the thread for several PBL samples

some are too long

make yours as romantic as you can muster

*link*

Great points, Jerry.

I'm not buying the 2 week A either.

No way.