I did try to A as best I could, but she had already left. One of you guys even said that an A would no longer be possible. POst after post kept saying "go to Plan B!" And, now that I am, I'm being ridiculed for it?

I must take action. I AM too nice to pull off Plan A. Only through Plan B and an intermediary, can I survive this with my own reasoning in tact. W will continue to try and manipulate and deceive me otherwise!

ab3,


Sadly,,,,,, she is already doing that and IMHO, has been for quite some time now.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I think you are misunderstanding us.

When I said, "I'm not buying the 2 week A either."

I'm saying that I don't believe your WW's current ADULTERY has only been going on for 2 weeks.

I wasn't talking about your Plan A.

Oh, sorry, I understand now!

I read through the posts and cannot find ridicule. Some defensiveness but no ridicule. I did see some doubt that your WW is being truthful with you about OM and type and duration of A (affair not Plan A) That would be a surprise! WS lies about affair.

You are getting some good advice, including samples of good Plan B letters. Try to reread without defensiveness.

Say

Edit: Sorry, posted while Marshmallow was posting! (:

I definitely missed the post where you were being ridiculed for your action plan in plan B, but if it's here, we all answer from our own perspective and experience. Some people here are freshly in the middle of hurt.

Don't let any negative posts get you down, let them roll right off. People are people.

You are doing great!!! Divorce records are also public record, but if his W didn't file for divorce, that won't help. If anyone has filed suit against him though you can find it, even collections. But that might not include the W.

I like the idea of taking the cell phone bill and blocking your caller id and calling any unknown numbers. You could ask for OM and see if you get anywhere with that.

We're all here holding you up (figuratively).

Good luck!!

No problem.

The acronyms can be confusing.

aw3, since you're admitting what we've been thinking, which is that when you're around her, you just kind of melt into this nice guy who can't force himself to be mean and hard, wouldn't it make more sense for you to be gone Sunday when she comes by? For you to have all her stuff out on the driveway, furniture and all, waiting for her while you and the kids are gone? That way, you won't be tempted to try to reason with her, which will be fruitless, and you won't be able to be talked into giving her an allowance or whatever else she's going to ask for.

It would be a great start for the Plan B. 'Here's your stuff, we can't be around you while you're destroying our family. Let me know when you're done and we'll talk.'

I totally agree.

Plan B means NO CONTACT!!!!!!!

So the PBL letter stuck into her stuff, sitting out in the driveway or on the porch, with new locks on the doors, shades drawn and nobody home.

A very opportune and dramatic time for her to receive the PBL.

AND WE ALL SHALL PRAY FOR RAIN.

kirk

ab3,

I'm sorry if you missed my point.

I'm not trying to mince words with you; I said what I said from the heart.

It has nothing to do with acronyms or anything I said that has a double meaning.

I said what I said in all earnest.

I'm not going to double talk you, to make my comments less abrasive.
You can do with it what you want!

All blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, it was my post that he misunderstood.

He thought the acronym for affair/adultery in my post meant Plan A.

Exactly!

Jerry, you are indeed correct!

Wow guys, here's an update for you. Tonight W calls from my son's (12) cell phone to tells me to come and get him IMMEDIATELY from their visit. Says he has hit her and busted her lip and threatened to call DSS if she touched him. I replied, "I'm on my way, have ALL 3 kids ready to go HOME when I get there." She proceeds to tell me that I had better punish him and that she won't tolerate this behavior from him (kind of like yesterday when he told her he would pray for her). Knowing in my heart she was exaggerating, I told her that discipline was her problem when they are with her. She CANNOT expect to pet and shower them with love and gifts once or twice a week and then force me to be the bad guy and do ALL of the parenting! When I got there, I noticed her lip was NOT busted. I put all three kids in the car and left, questioning my daughter as to what had happened from her perspective. As I suspected, W blew the whole thing out of proportion and wanted to make me be the disciplinarian. W had spent the entire evening trying to convince them of her love (telling them 100X), except of course for the time she spent on the phone in a back bedroom. She sees them for the first time since Sunday and would rather be on the phone!

Anyway, when we returned home I proceeded to tell both of the older two about OM. It broke my heart to see their reactions, but how would I have felt had they heard it from someone else first? After all, W has been pretty open about OM and their potential future. All in all, it went pretty well. Both kids said that they feel safe and secure when they are here with me, and neither have any interest in spending ANY time with her right now. Of course, I explained that they have to be with her SOME, but assured them that I would do my best to keep it minimal.

Plan B commences Sunday. The PBL will be packed along with her things, and I am even more determined now to protect myself and my children.

She complains of being treated like a child and then proceeds to act exactly like one. It's almost as if she's now decided to be a big girl and leave daddy's home. She's treating our 12 year old like a sibling and expecting me to rush in and defend her! Ain't gonna happen! I'm sure this will get uglier before things settle, but it won't take much more for me to skip straight to Plan D. I guess I do need to give Plan B a little time though. Regardless, I will be going to my attorney again on Monday (after PBL is received) and filing the appropriate legal papers.

Good for you. Take charge and you will be amazed at how quickly your situation changes for the better.

Agreed. So proud of you.

Please don't forget to find a good counselor for your kids to go to. At their age, they absolutely have to have a safe way to vent this and get answers, the kind that you can't give them.

And btw, I'm really proud of your son, too, for not putting up with her crap.

I just had a thought. Remember I told you she said her "friend" had offered to help her come move her things? What do you think the odds are they are planning to spend their first night in her new place together? When I responded, "I thought he was 4 hours away," she immediately changed the subject.

What is my best move? She thinks I will be home w/ the kids, but I could easily get someone to come over. I'm thinking of taking my video camera, very late, and trying to catch them in the act. I'm just afraid of what I might do if I indeed do find them together. Will video proof help me later in court? Does it matter what she does in her own place after she has left?

What you need is intel.

Did you speak to that PI?

It would help to have proof of an affair for court in case you divorce on grounds of adultery.

Your incident with your son is very disturbing and you must document.

Go to www.divorcesource.com and look for a feature called "divorce calendar".

Keep notes there as if you were a reporter and make it very neutral with no emotions and matter of fact. You can use it as a diary later.

Don't ask your kids what happened at mom's, unless it's innocent stuff like, "Did you have fun?" and very non specific things.

Let them volunteer the info, but don't prod them for it. It's tough to do and it is an art because you will be curious, but it's not good for them to ask them stuff like that.

You may wish to report to child protective services about the violence or the claims she was making. They don't look to kindly on these things.

Your son will be angry, especially at his age. Remember what I told you about my brother who was ten years younger. He did the sugar in the gas tank and keyed the OW's car.

Your son is about to get that rush of testosterone that comes with puberty and may have aggressive feelings.

I really do believe they need a counselor to help them through this stuff.

I DID IT!!! I just located OM's W. I actually spoke w/ her father, who new ALL about my W and the situation I'm dealing with. He is calling her now and giving her my #.

AW3,

You're doing GREAT ... now brace yourself ... for the potentially devasting news that this has been going on for MUCH longer than just 2 weeks. It's better to be prepared, and not need it, than to be blindsided. Considering OMW's father knows ALL about it, that may have not been knowledge that he just acquired ... it is possible that your WW had something to do with OMW booting out OM six months ago.

Anyway, I don't think I've posted since you've become proactive ... so I just wanted to give you a GREAT BIG "atta boy" ... your NOW doing the things that will give your M a "chance" ... it may not work out, but you're doing the right things. Don't waffle ... now is the the time to "HANG LIKE A HAIR IN A BISCUIT". BE STRONG!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!