Hey all, I thought I would provide an update.. and I need a little support because I am having a tough day.

FWW and I are progressing.. fast some days, slow some others. She is truly trying to be open and is doing a very good job at keeping me in the loop, spending time with me etc. Things are pretty good. To my knowledge she has had no contact with OM.

She is going on a business trip this next week, and I am having a tough time with it. Although FWW and OM don't work together any more they are in the same type of work and he conceivably could be at this conference. I am also still having MAJOR trust issues and letting her go by herself is not something that makes me comfortable and happy.

Telling her this last night brought a wrath of Fog babble that I haven't heard in over a month, so today I am hurting a bit and am really *REALLY* uncomfortable.

I haven't asked as of yet to see if she'd flip out if I decided I wanted to go with her, it's an option but would burn some of my vacation time.

I just needed a place to vent, and this place is pretty safe.

Thanks for reading.

NRO

I would be very worried too. You need to go with.

If she does flip out when you tell her you are going with, there is something wrong. At your stage, contact with the OM would be devastating.

D Day was only 2 months ago, and now you're getting more fog babble? NO WAY would I skip this trip, my friend. Burn a little vacation time and tag right along.
Just to fill in some of the blanks a little, what sort of things was she saying?

NRO,

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I don't have any advise, but I can tell you what I would do as I have thought about this before.

My FWW and I have decided that we will NEVER spend another night away from each other. So, if she were going on a business trip, I'm doing whatever it takes to go with her.

I am not going to allow her to be in a situation where she has proven to be a failure.

Besides, we rarely get to go on vacations anymore. It would be fun!

Time to snoop again.

Inform her...do NOT ask her...that you are going. If the OM is there, you both leave immediately.

Your wife has not even come close to earning trust. Be honest with her about that and don't feel the need to tip toe around that fact.

I totally agree!

Either YOU go or SHE stays home.

NO other options available. You must have protection in this recovery and that means all out of town trips are spent together. PERIOD.

Burn the vacation and enjoy the time with your w

It was in response to me being spooked at her going away, she was very angry at me for her not being able to contact OM and said so.

I responded appropriately with "I didn't make the choice to cheat you did. You can be angry, that's fine, but it is not my fault." That seemed to quiet her down a bit but I can tell she is still irritated a little bit.

I'll plan on going with her and probably just work from the conference. Thanks guys.

I haven't stopped.

Not,

"she was very angry at me for her not being able to contact OM and said so."

YYEEEOUCH!!

What the heck is she thinking?? That does not sound good at all. Had you heard this before? We could spend a whole thread on this one alone!!

Definitely go with her, no ifs, ands or buts. Hopefully it's in a nice place.

kirk

It was said in anger out of spite, in the context of another conversation. She was already angry at me and she needed something to hurt me with I think.

I feel like she expects me to implicitly trust her as before, which I won't do. It's a classic "I know it's over, I said I was sorry and I have moved on why can't you" thing.

I don't think any of us BS could ever go back to that and I don't find that a bad thing right now. The more my FWW and I check up on each other, the better.

NRO, that's one of the most hurtful things she could possibly say. Are you positive there's not more to this trip? YOU MUST GO!!! Keep her safe!

I agree with MEDC completely ... do you know the OM by sight, should you run into him at this conference?

Yes, he was a close friend of both of us. She is staying with another friend of ours that wouldn't let him near her, but she'll have time away too. I am planning on going just got the days I needed approved.

Good, then I think I would also be there when your WW registers at the conference and check the roster of attendees just to settle your nerves and allow yourself to occupy yourself without worry doing something you enjoy, while she is in the conference itself.

On the flip side, as MEDC suggested, if OM is there, both you and FWW should simply leave. You may even ask your FWW if he is going to be at the conference to avoid a potentially unnecessary trip and burning of your vacation days. Most conferences provide the attendees with a list of all other attendees along with the agenda, etc. prior to the conference, so I'm sure she knows if he is on the list or not. It wouldn't hurt to let her know that you plan to check the list of attendees at the registration desk, so there is no need for her to lie about his atttendance.

Yeah, that is a good idea.. although I was going to email OMW to see if he is planning on being 'out of town' for this particular period of time..

I think she should be aware as well, and she'll know.

NRO:

For what its worth, I'm with MyRev and MEDC here.

You need to go, and no questions on her part.

I wanted you to look at something for yourself, also.


Please reread your last part. About the vacation time. Yes, you have gotten the vacation time approved already, but that's not my point. My point is that the "vacation time" was more important than protecting your W.

Now, it just might be in the wording and brevity of the internet and DB use. You may not have ever said anything like this to her. But if it was in the back of your head, thinking about it, then that could possibly be sensed by your FWW.

The point being that after all this is simple. You want your FWW to do everything possible to fix what they did wrong, as much as possible. You have to be willing to do the same. If SHE HAD TO GO to this conference, and you agree that she HAS TO GO, and your boundary is she can't be alone traveling right now, then some vacation time being used up is what is needed.

It's a POV, and I want you the check yourself sometimes when you are in the middle of these challenging circumstances.

LG

Good Job ... you're way ahead on me.

If your interested, for a little further down the line, but my FWW also travels a lot for business and we've had to develop certain boundaries and a routine that we don't deviate from when she is away on business. She actually likes the security of knowing that I'm not home stressing about what is going on ... anyway, here's our basic plan for her business travels:

1. She forwards to my office email account prior to her leaving all of her iteneraries ... flight times, hotel info, business agendas, any mandatory group dinners and/or activities, etc.

2. She communicates frequently (mostly hourly) by text or cell phone to let me know where she is and what is going on.

3. She calls me with her hotel room number upon check in, so that I can call her hotel room at any hour that I'm stressing to make sure she is where she is supposed to be.

4. No dinners with opposite sex co-workers/customers, unless it is a pre-arranged group dinner and I'm aware prior to the trip ... no sudden surprises/changes are acceptable.

5. She has no more than 2 alcoholic beverages with dinner.

6. She does not go out socializing after dinner. She goes back to her room and we talk on the phone.

7. On her return, we try to meet up for a "date night" to re-connect after the absence.

These were big changes for her at first, and there were some questions from co-workers about why FWW didn't go with them anymore, but those issues went away rather quickly. I hope this helps you in the future.