Without describing how I obtained it, I found evidence of continued contact for several years past what I though was NC in 11/2004.

I had a feeling something wasn't right, and as is my MO, I don't face it but continued to look for evidence. Now, what I found I could have and probably did see awhile ago, but my brain didn't register it, does that make sense? All I can think of is that it is God's hands and he revealed it to me when he knew I was better able to handle it, which I am.

When I saw the evidence yesterday I immediately started shaking, but I calmed myself down, didn't react impulsively and was able to do some work until the end of the day. Much different than the other d-days where I would lose it, cry, confront immediately, call my sister for support. This time I came home at the usual time, took the dog for a much needed walk (he is a puppy), and then confronted him. I started by asking him when was the last time he spoke to ow, keeping in mind that if I was asking, then I knew something. I said how this usually happened in the past is that he would deny deny, I would present some evidence that couldn't be disputed, he would admit up to this point but no further and on it went. I said he could play that game if he wanted, which of course he did.

It wasn't until later that he admitted to being in contact with her last summer. Almost a full three years after d-day. Of course he has his usual amnesia about conversations/events. I was/am angry, very. Mostly at myself as I knew there was something not right and I didn't face it, didn't have good boundaries for recovery.

He wants to stay M'd and work on things. My response, you have got to be kidding yourself. He said it again later, I said ok, would you be willing to contact ow H's? His immediate response, he would prefer not. I said of course you wouldn't, he said that he is Columbian and he would be afraid of his response, not just for himself but for me, I said why me, I haven't done anything. I said that response was self centered and showed that he only cared about his feelings.

He claims that the contact has deminished over time, more talk about mundane things with gaps of time in between. She sends him letters to his "BF" house, he sends them to her house directly, he hasn't admitted to phone calls or how those were done.

I told him it was over, I was tired of his drama and lies. He said that he was present now and didn't that count, I didn't answer. He wants to go to IC/MC counseling, and asked me for the co-pays, I agreed. He still doesn't work.

I talked to him at length over what he has done to his sons, and me. I said that he put us in front of himself to take the hits for his mistakes and that the boys resent him, are angry, but no one talks about it. OS and YS are into drugs/alcohol, YS may not graduate HS due to his grades. I don't want him to know until after he graduates as he is very close to not graduating.

I looked on line and I don't qualify as a NJ resident until October and am not an OH resident for the last 6 mo., so I am caught between the two states residency requirments. On top of this is the bankruptcy issues, which I don't even know how it would affect it.

I really don't know what to do at this point...

Are you intent on divorce, or are you considering working on the marriage?

I would only consider staying married, if he were to agree to the BARE MINIMUM list:

1. polygraph
2. post nup agreement protecting you financially
3. counseling w/ Harley's
4. ridding BF from his life, as he is an enemy to the marriage
5. disclosing his affair and ongoing contact to family and friends that you choose, for the intent of holding him accountable if they "see" red flags
6. setting up accountability partners that he briefly checks in with weekly--men that YOU choose
7. and of course, NC letter
8. change phone numbers and emails and any other form of communication between them
9. total transparency
10. eliminating ANY AND ALL independent behavior
11. anything else you feel you need



Anything less than the above, and I wouldn't even consider it. It's time for him to get serious or get out.

I'm sorry you are still dealing with this.

Dear Sunflower,

Thanks for the list, my brain is too scrambled to think that clearly, it has excellent points on it. In respect to staying M'd, I honestly don't know. This morning I felt free, relieved and almost happy to be rid of him. Later on I felt bad for him and the kids, thought of our 25 yr marriage and 29 yr relationship...I don't know, up and down.

I wanted him to do a polygraph in 07/2005 while in MC and he refused as he claims he was not a good test taker, the MC agreed with him, I thought it was a line of BS, turns out I was right, hard to face myself as I apparently was in a very thick BS fog of denial.

I think that there is something terribly wrong with me for putting up with this, some fatel flaw that I need to deal with. There cannot be a passive-aggressive person without the partner, each plays a role. My job is to address my character flaw of taking care of everyone and especially him. I

Things he said to me this morning, he hates himself for the pain he has caused everyone, even to the pt of taking action, I said that wasn't taking responsibility for his actions, just having a pity party for himself.

nabohio, are you finally going to expose to the OWH so he can watch from that end?

I am sorry this is still happening.

He sure has gone to a lot of trouble to continue contact. I am so sorry. Does he understand this could be a dealbreaker?

Melody,

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I picked up the phone to call OWH yesterday, I am convinced that OW will depict me as an unstable person. I believe that by WH is the one to contact OWH, she can't twist her way out of that one. It would also prove to me the seriousness he has to recover the marriage and commit to me.

If he can't do that, then yes, I will expose to him. I can't control what the outcome will be, just share the information.

keepit real, thank you. I don't think he understood at first that it could be a dealbreaker, he thought he could talk his way out of it. He appeared surpised that his tacticts didn't work this time.

nabohio, you should be the one to do the exposure, not him. He is not likely to tell the OWH the complete truth. If he calls, he also risks getting her on the phone. The man needs to be told and he needs to be told the truth. You can't depend on your H to do that, and SHOULDN'T depend on him to do it. The OWH should have been told YEARS AGO. If you call, you can give him enough information to prove it to him. If you do it, you can ensure it is done and done TRUTHFULLY. If you rely upon your H, you only have his word it was done, and done truthfully. The likelihood of your H spinning the truth is very great.

honestly, nabohio, you have this off for years. There is no reason to put it off another second. I do not understand why this is such a big issue.

nahohio, I don't see how trying to force him, at the point of a gun, to bust himself, helps anything. It just causes more conflict in an already conflicted situation and increases the chances that the OWH is NEVER told and NEVER gets the truth even if you are able to railroad your H in telling him.

It is in all of your best interest for the OWH to know the truth......NOW. There is no reason to make this more complicated than it has to be. The most efficient and sure way of achieving this is to pick up the phone and call the man. Be done with it so you can get onto bigger fish. This molehill shouldn't be made into a mountain.

YOU do the exposure. OW can paint you however she chooses, OWH will have been notified, and will be another set of eyes. Its not your problem if he believes you, but I bet you anything he will.

I think you should reread that list of conditions and start establishing some personal boundaries.

Sorry you are here for this. I can't imagine going through this again like you are.

I sent OWH a letter describing what I know of the A over the last 5+ years as well as a copy of an e-mail OW sent WH which leaves little doubt what was going on. In some ways this was a relief, I felt empowered.

I sent it about two weeks ago and gave an e-mail address if he wanted to contact me, he hasn't. I thought a letter would be good as I could lay it out, not gloss things over as I might do in person and provide something OWH could review vs. his memory. Now I don't know if he actually got it...I have to let it go though.

My WH contacted a MD and is going to various dr's for health concerns. He went to a IC last week who put him on Wellbutrin and Adderall for ADD.

I feel sad a lot, angry, duped. Like my whole M was a big lie, I look back and I think why wasn't I stronger? I knew something was wrong and would be resentful, but put up with everything. I think I need IC to figure that out.

I feel extremely hurt, stupid and pathetic and lost. I have some d-day symptons like chest pains, hypersensitive, not the weight loss though! I try to take more walks. I feel numb and empty and extremly lonely. WH does try to be affectionate, not exactly what I want right now.

Oh well, just another day in paradise I guess!

Did you send a latter requiring his signature, or is it possible she intercepted it? Was it to his work or home address? If you sent something very damning, and got no response whatsoever, I'm a little suspicious that maybe he didn't get the letter.

It was their home address, he is self-employed from what I know. I didn't require a signature and yes, she could have opened it.

Perhaps I should call and confirm receipt?