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Two years ago I discovered that my husband of 39 years was having an affair that began over the internet. I will not go into detail except to say that we decided that we wanted our marriage to work. At first we tried on our own but that was not working out too well. While we were trying on our own, they got together twice. She lived 1 1/2 hours from us.
Then we found this website and I believe that it saved our marriage. We made a real committment this time to really work at our marriage. So, we did the workbooks ourselves each night faithfully. [Surviving and Affair and His Needs Her Needs]
We even sold our home and moved further away!!!
Now we are coming up on the two year mark of our committment. This has been a very difficult road for me. After all of those years of marriage it hit me like a ton of bricks! But we both feel now that our marriage is better than it ever was!!!!
We are both retired now and are together each and every day and he never goes any place long enough without me to be with anyone. But, for some reason I suspect he might be im-ing someone on the computer. I have no real evidence or real reason to suspect this but it is something that is nagging at me.
Should I ask him outright or try to work on this myself?
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Jane, don't ASK. If you ask, he will lie if its true and just go further underground. If its not true, he may be insulted. Instead, put an invisible keylogger on his computer today and find out on your own. A good one is spector pro if you have daily access to his computer to retrieve reports OR eblaster if you need them emailed daily to another computer. You can buy and download on the internet at www.spectorpro.com.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, as it is my laptop that he uses. The ONLY thing that makes me curious is that he always turns the volume down. I do not want my suspisions to be true but I do want to know!
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Posts: 33
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One more question--if I purchase this software and install it, will he be able to tell as we both use the same computer?????
God, trust is such a hard thing to rebuild!!!!
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Joined: Apr 2001
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No, he will not be able to see it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How tech savvy is he with computers? I think you should definitely use a keylogger but there are ways to detect it. Be careful.
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He is not computer savy at all. My fear is this: that he is not chatting with her or anyone and I do not want to acuse him and make him angry if he is not. But I need to know if he is. When he was having the affair I thought that he was but convinced myself that it was my imagination. Now I fear that I am doing the same thing!
Is this a good program that Melody suggested as I am going to do something today before this suspicion drives me crazy.
Would anyone just using my computer know it is there or would you have to go looking for it?
Last edited by Jane_C; 05/16/08 02:31 PM.
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He is not computer savy at all. My fear is this: that he is not chatting with her or anyone and I do not want to accuse him and make him angry. But I need to know if he is. Is this a good program that Melody suggested as I am going to do something today before this suspicion drives me crazy. Jane, the spectorpro is a real good keylogger because it is easy to use, and is not detected by spyware and antivirus programs, that we know of. it is very user friendly. Even so, after you install it, you will want to run your anti-virus and spyware detector to make sure it doesn't detect it. If it does pick it up, then program them to IGNORE it. Even the computer savvy don't find this keylogger. And Jane, if he is not doing anything, it will put your mind AT EASE and help you learn to trust him. this is how I learned to trust my H. Since his affair started on the internet, it is a good idea to keep this on his computer anyway. This will help you RELAX if he is being good.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, as it is my laptop that he uses. The ONLY thing that makes me curious is that he always turns the volume down. I do not want my suspisions to be true but I do want to know! You're both using the computer? I wouldn't go with a keylogger yet. Instead, (assuming that he's using MSN Messenger), simply turn on its Message History option (under his user account, if he uses a separate account). All conversations will be stored on the PC where you can retrieve them later.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Would anyone just using my computer know it is there or would you have to go looking for it? no one will know it is there and he would have to know where to look and HOW to pull it up in order to find it. [there is special set of keys you have to use and hold down to pull it up otherwise it stays invisible] There is a specific CODE you use to pull it up and then you have to type in a password to open it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're both using the computer?
I wouldn't go with a keylogger yet. Instead, (assuming that he's using MSN Messenger), simply turn on its Message History option (under his user account, if he uses a separate account). All conversations will be stored on the PC where you can retrieve them later. I agree with this suggestion, but I would do BOTH. The keylogger will record any emails he types and show you everything he does on the computer; you wouldn't otherwise be able to see that without a keylogger. This way, he can't hide anything. You want to have the BIG GUNS and do it right if you are going to do it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We both use the computer but he is not using MSN messenger. He is using AOL instant message and believe me, I have tried to see if I can find anything and I cannot without his password.
I just want to put my mind at ease or know the truth, one way of the other.
Even though it has been two years SHE told me she will always love him and keep trying. We blocked her on his email and instant message but she could be using another screen name.
I have no reason to suspect anything except that he always turns the volume to mute when he is on the computer. I suspect it is because he is instant messaging and it make a sound! When I asked him why he does it he just said, OH Brother!" I just have to know if I am to move forward.
God, it has been 2 years and our marriage is better than ever! Why is it taking me so long to move past all of this. 40 years of marriage and the affair only lasted 1 1/2 years. She wrote to me about it when he broke it off. Even though I suspected, that is how I found out.
I just need to know that he is behaving himself and do not want to acuse him if he is not doing anything, so I think that the software is the way to go.
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Posts: 33
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They have two versions of spectropro. Is one better than the other for my needs?
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I would think the SpectorPro 2008 would work the best for what you want.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, as it is my laptop that he uses. The ONLY thing that makes me curious is that he always turns the volume down. I do not want my suspisions to be true but I do want to know! You're both using the computer? I wouldn't go with a keylogger yet. Instead, (assuming that he's using MSN Messenger), simply turn on its Message History option (under his user account, if he uses a separate account). All conversations will be stored on the PC where you can retrieve them later. But wouldn't she have to get into his user account to set this up? Or is there a way for her to set it up from "outside"??
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As long as she has administrative rights on the computer, it records everything unless she specfically excludes a user.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As long as she has administrative rights on the computer, it records everything unless she specfically excludes a user. Does that apply to both MSN Messenger and SpectorPro? (Just trying to make sure we aren't on two different topics)
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I am talking about SpectorPro.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But wouldn't she have to get into his user account to set this up? Or is there a way for her to set it up from "outside"??
I guess the more questions that I ask the more confused I get!!!! This is MY laptop and there are no user accounts on this computer. He just does on my user account and signs into AOL or Internet Explorer to check mail or search the WEB. HELP!!!!!! I really want to get this going!!!
Can I just download this on my computer to see what he is doing without risking him just "coming upon it"? He is not computer savy at all so would not go looking for anything like this at all. I just need to know if he is doing anything on the computer like emailing his lover or chatting with her.[/color]
Jane
ME age 61
H age 63
Married 41 years, together 45 years total!
Three wonderful children ages 40, 39 and 31
OW divorced, age 63
DDay 4/3/2006
"Recovery is a process. The healing is in the journey, and we must go through the pain to get to where we are going!"
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Jane? I thought we already answered that? I figured you would have downloaded it hours ago!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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