I posted around 2 years ago after my DDay but I don't remember my screen name. I am the BS and my FWW and I have been recovering well, IMO but I am having some issues recently. I've been reading alot of the posts on this great website and I hope others can help me. I'm just trying to get the proper perspective on my life.

A few nights ago, the W and I were sitting on the couch having an open discussion about life in general. I asked her after having 2 years to reflect on the whole thing, how does she see it now? and why did it happen? She replied honestly, explaining the reason why--which was basically the same conclusion we reached earlier in our recovery. But she made several statements that in retrospect, bothered me a great deal. She said that she "regrets it, but she doesn't" and that shes "glad she had the experience."
At the time, I didn't say anything because I did not want to discourage her openness and honesty. But WTF does regret it but I don't supposed to mean? I just don't know how to interpret that.

Please understand that my wife has shown a great deal of remorse and regret over the past 2 years and she has even told me that she would take it back if she could go back in time. She does alot for me and always says she loves me and tells me how lucky she is to have me. But the way I hear it is it seems to me that she is saying that she regrets the pain shes caused me , but not the experience. Perhaps I am wrong. I just don't know how to take her statements.

That wouldn't set well with me either. The first thing I would suggest you do is ASK HER.
Also, are you absolutely certain she has remained NC with the OM?

Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond. I do plan on confronting her about this, but I wanted to get some insight from others first.

I am 99.9% sure there has been NC because I have complete access to phone, computer and financial records and my radar has been on high since DDay. She has been committed to Recovery from the get go and you should know that she is the one that confessed to me on DDay. It just seems like an odd thing for her to say. She is an alcoholic and she told me this after she had a few. Perhaps I'm just hypersensitive and always looking for a red flag.

Could she have said this because she is happy with the way your marriage is now and she doesn't think it would be that way without having gone through the experience of the recovery that resulted from the A?

I am the BS and this is something I struggle with. I wish like crazy that there had not been an A, but I am also very happy with the changes that occured in both my H and myself since it happened. Know what I mean?

I could be wrong, but maybe you should share with her how you are feeling two years on. If you're like me, you are still devestated. Ask her how that makes her feel. Also, ask her how it makes her feel about her life that she feels okay about something so hurtful and heinous. Ask her what her life really means and why she got married. I felt horrible about my wife even though she was so sorry for what she had done to me. It was only when I learned that she felt horrible about herself for what she had done to her life and her marriage that I began to feel some compassion. If she had EVER told me she was glad to have the experience, I would not have been able to recover. I think you need to pursue this.

do not confront but ask her to explain for there is to many ways her statement can be taken.

CantLetItGo,

Thanks for your reply. I can relate to your username! Sometimes I feel like I dont think I'll ever get over this. But to address your posting, I have considered that she meant something like that, but to be honest we had a great relationship prior to A so not many positive changes have occurred, just negative ones.


HurtingSoLong,

I also can relate to your username! Guess we all feel the same. I am still devestated, and we do discuss our feelings. She has expressed much guilt through our recovery to the point of breaking down into tears, which is why this makes no sense to me.

Ok, now this puts things into perspective. She really has not recovered because she is an alcoholic. Her brain does not work like that of a normal person. Sure, she feels some guilt sometimes, but she just has to drink it down when it gets too great. An alcoholic will not "recover" in the same sense as a normal person. Sure, she can stop the bad behavior if the consequences are great enough, but she doesn't really recover.

Do you go to Alanon?

TheRoad,

Thanks for your suggestion. You are correct, I believe I should ask her to explain what she meant. I'm trying not to make assumptions.

WOW MelodyLane, I think you hit the nail on the head! I do believe that the alcohol is at the root of the issue and is an obsticle for my complete recovery. It makes sense that her recovery was/is "retarded" by her alcoholic addiction. But it really leaves me in a tough situation and it is one I resent her for placing me in. To answer your question, I do not go and honestly I am not interested in going to Alnon, because this is something I don't want to live with.

She does ok for awhile, then goes overboard. She has been intoxicated the last four nights and it serves as a trigger for me, because its like the A time. I plan of confronting/talking to her tonight about the alcohol and the comments she made. I just have a feeling she won't be receptive to talk sincerely because we have already had an argument over the phone.
All this sucks because next week is our 2 year wedding anniversary and I know she has something really great planned for me and here I am feeling like I may need to leave her in order to seperate myself from the drinking.

See, her mind is wayward and will stay that way until she sobers up. An alcoholic mind is a wayward mind. And she could easily have another affair if the opportunity is there and she thinks she can get away with it. Just as long as she doesn't get caught. And it won't be because of unmet needs, it will be because a wayward mind can rationalize anything. Not to mention that it is "IMPOSSIBLE" to meet the needs of an alcoholic.


So you want to live with her DRUNKENESS, but you don't want to live with a program of recovery for you? huh? I am not getting this.


So, this affair happened right after you got married? And you married an alcoholic? WOW. Do you have children?

You got married before or after the affair? What happened here? Did you know she was an alcoholic?

Have you been really open, honest, and up front with her, that you are thinking about leaving her to get away from her drinking?

I really need to share my personal story with you.

2 years ago, my only sister died in her sleep. She was only 43 - 2 weeks shy of her 44th birthday. the coroner never found a real reason for her death - determined it to be "natural causes". But what 43 year old woman, seemingly healthy the day bfore, dies of natural causes?

I believe it was some how related to her drinking.

3 years prior to that day - we lost our mother. the next month, my sister was laid off from her job. She really struggled after that. Loss of self worth, boredom. Her unemployment checks kept coming, so she nevr seriously looked for work. She sat home,and started drinking - vodak mixed with kool aid.

I started to talk to her about her drinking. I am afraid I was a little too harsh at times. She was hurting - I figured she should just stop drinking, but didn't (wouldn't? couldn't?) I stopped by the house once to talk to her H while she was gone. I asked him if he ever confronted her. he did -sort of. He said taht he had decided to just elave her alone for 3 more years - until their youndgest child turned 18. then he would d her, and elave, and would nto owe any child support
they dated since junior high school. Married over 20 years. And secretly, he was tired of her drinking, and planning to leave.

My Dad called him soon after that, and he told my Dad the same thing. Dad and I talked about it a couple of times - what to do for her. How could we get her H to help her - instead of leaving her. And in this case, part of the problem was that he H was a drinker too (although not as much) and he did not want to quit. How could he make her quit - if he wasn't willing to.

well, about a month after I talked to him - she went to sleep one night and never woke up. Just quietly passed away. we never got the chance to have an intervention - we were waiting for her to hit rock bottom. But rock bottom for her was death. no second chance.

I hope you will re-think your plan

Try Al-Anon.

My BIL has never been the same. He has turned into a miserable recluse - a HEAVY drinker. he blames himself. She was hurting - and he wanted to leave her, to "get away from her drinking".I hope you will do better for yourself - and your family.

MelodyLane,

I appreciate you taking time to help me get a grip on my life circumstances. I will explain my situation.

My W and I were together almost five years before we got married. For the first several years things were great, I would describe it as blissful even. During this time, she only drank alcohol occasionally and refrained because she knew I didn't like being around her while intoxicated. We had the type of relationship that other couples admired. THEN we got engaged. I have identified this as the point that things started to diminish.(SAD, I know) Soon after we got engaged she began to have panic attacks and episodes of anxiety regarding the upcoming wedding. She was getting stressed out at all the details. It was during this time that she started to drink as a way to deal with her anxiety. As the wedding approached, many circumstances lined up to create a temptation for her and she decided to have a last fling (twice) with a coworker. The guilt ate at her and three months into our marriage she confessed.

Needless to say, I was devestated. I felt like my marriage was started on a lie. There were other factors that made this especially difficult for me. We have been working on Recovery ever since and she still continues to drink. And yes she has been to the doctor and put on Anti Depressants and Xanax and she still wants to drink! It does not help that her whole family drinks. She know how it makes me feel, however refuses to stop. She claims that when we decide to have kids she is stopping everything, drinking,smoking cig, prescriptions. So she seems to be able to do it for a child but not for me. I told her I need that from her before I decide to have kids.

WOF, I am so sorry for your sister. Please understand that leaving her would have most likely been the best thing for her. An alcoholic does not sober up unless and until they are faced with LOSS. Great loss. I was 23 years sober on April 27, because, and only because, my husband gave me a choice: AA OR THE HIGHWAY.

AA is full of people who are there because the pain of drinking became greater than the pain of not drinking. They are there because their spouse kicked them out, they were fired or were court ordered by a compassionate judge. They come there under DURESS. Sometimes a caring family member will call the the cops on them when they go drunk driving. Jail is a great motivator for drunks.

If he had not been willing to kick me out, I may have ended up like your sister. DEAD or in a nut house. The most loving thing that could have happened to your sister would have been some serious consequences, such as his leaving her. It's too bad she died before she could sober up. But the bottom line is this: she is the one who chose to live like that, not him.

That is too bad that your BIL blames himself.

I am concerned about my own younger sister. She is addicted to narcotics and alcohol and has a H who WON'T leave her or do anything to shock her awake. Instead, he just goes along to get along, hoping for the best while she goes further and further into the world of insanity. He is just an enabler. The kindest, most compassionate thing he could do is leave her or call the police on her when she goes driving while higher than a kite. I dearly hope and pray i get to see my beloved sister [sober] before she dies. I am so afraid she will die like that.

Hopefully you understand that talk is cheap with an alcoholic. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you would be NUTS to drag an innocent child into a marriage with an alcoholic. If she does quit while pregnant, I assure you she will be back to drinking as soon as she drops the brat. Then your kid will be raised by a drunk. Why would you do that do a little kid?

Do you have any idea what it is like having a crazy DRUNK as a parent?

"seems to be able" does not mean in ACTUALITY because she HAS NOT STOPPED. She has simply blathered an empty promise. Alcoholics makes lots of "promises." They mean nothing, nothing... Talk is cheap..........

It sounds like "I got away with murder" type thinking. In other words, she fooled around and still has her cake to eat. Typical cake eating behavior.

I suspect most former wayward spouses think that way, but keep the thought to themselves. However, deep inside they remember the good times with OP with fondness.

In any event her alcoholism is a much more serious problem. I agree with ML and suggest NO CHILDREN. She is not fit to be a mother at this time.

OK so I asked her tonight to explain what she meant (about the regrets it and don't comment). First she says she 95% regrets it and when I asked her to confirm that, she revised her number to 99% regrets it. WTF? I asked her "So 1% of you doesn't regret it" and she blabbed on something about the curiousity factor?! But she quickly went on to say that she would never do it again. Seriously can you guys believe its 2 years out and she says this? Keep in mind she has been drinking. So I don't know how to take all this. IS this a red flag for future behavior or just the ramblings of a drunken individual? I have to wonder if she would be thinking this way or saying these things if she was sober. What a mess..

So is she always drunk? If not, then have a conversation with her when she is sober and you will not have to wonder if she would answer the same. However, in my experience it seems that a lot of people are more honest when drunk, so maybe she would say something different if she was sober and was more able to censor what comes out of her mouth. But what does that really tell you?