I had an affair that is now over. My husband found out and we are in counseling. Because I did this any issues that I bring up are not considered valid. I tried to talk to my husband before the affair, but his response then and now is "you are such a nag" or "you just need something to complain about". The counselor agrees that I need to be more positive. I am doing all the changing and though I am glad for the 2nd chance, I feel that I have some very valid points. I am frustrated. The affair was wrong, but my husband's philosophy is that as long as he is happy and I don't speak my mind everything is fine.

This is interesting. My W is the one who had the affair, but it seems to be my issues that are not important. Just the opposite of your situation.

suz,<P>I suggest that you buy a copy of either Give and Take or Surviving an Affair (both by Harley and available on the website).<P>Harley is a big proponent of complete honesty in a marriage. Complete. Total. Absolute. Now, you're trying to be honest and your husband is "lovebusting" by being disrespectful of your opinions.<P>The rule of Honesty is important. It's important that you learn to give honesty without lovebusting (no disrespect, angry outbursts, selfish demands). But it's equally important that your partner learn to receive honesty without lovebusting. This will encourage you both to share positive and negative feelings, and you will learn to deal with them constructively, as opposed to dealing with them destructively (for example, having an affair or belittling one another).<P>If I were your counselor, I would be having you each identify the other's lovebusters through the "lovebuster" questionnaire. Then you would share the results with one another. And finally, you would work together, using the Policy of Joint Agreement, to make a verifiable plan to eliminate these behaviors. Without eliminating these destructive behaviors, your marriage will never heal.<P>Buy the book Give and Take, and if you see value in it, I'd suggest that you share it with your counselor and your husband.

suz,<P>So then apparently your husband doesn't mind the possibility that you'll have another affair?!? Cuz he's setting himself up for it, that's for sure!<P>Of course your needs are important. Maybe it's just the way you are phrasing your issues that make them sound like nagging. Also, your councellor doesn't sound like he/she is listening very well. Even if you need to be more positive, the councellor should be able to glean <B>something</B> out of what you are saying. <P>--andy

K - That's a great summary of one of the basic principles of Dr. H's method!<P>Suz - I have a few things to say about the counseling process itself that might be helpful, since that seems to be your focus right now. I think many couples counselors DO side with one partner or the other, depending on which one the counselor finds more credible, I guess. And from your description is sounds like your counselor is siding with your H in this. You definitely need to confront your counselor (and your H) during a counseling session with the fact that you feel this way.<P>In my experience being in couples counseling with my W, our counselor sides with her while she complains up and down about me (she has a whole list). The sessions were really becoming just a way for her to validate her point of view. And I did confront our counselor with the fact that I thought he was siding with my W. I think it helped some, at least, though this is still going on. You would think they'd be trained not to do this, but hey, they're human too.<P>Also point out to your H and your counselor that you admitted your affair, gave it up and want to work to restore your marriage. This can't happen unless they're willing to cut you some slack. If all they want to do is make you feel bad and guilty, it's not going to work. So tell your counselor, especially, how you really feel about these sessions.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

thank you for your feedback. I was feeling that maybe I was crazy. We have not discussed the affair yet in counseling. I think we are both very afraid. I know I am. I do also think it is in the way I phrase things and I am working on that.

Suz32,<P>Just a quick comment on phrasing things that might give you some ideas. I was once told that when dealing with people or organizations never ask a question where the quick answer can be NO! For example, can I do something? No! Rather, do you know of any reasons why I can't do ...? Makes them work to be negative. <P>When addressing your concerns about your H's behavior think about that strategy. There many books out that address this approach to discussing things with people. <P>Another idea mentioned here, and discussed in a book I don't recall the name of, is to change your behavior. This will change the way your H responds to you. This is may be affective if there are specific things he does. Maybe one of the other people here can provide the name of the book to you. If not perhaps a book store or library can lead you in the correct direction.<P>Finally, realize that your H may not be hearing what you are saying in the way you meant for him to hear it. He is in a lot of pain, and probably is wondering why he should change. You will have to come up with ways for him to see it as a win-win situation. Tough sometimes but it can happen. <P>Finally, remember he might be ready for much of this now. (I don't know how long it has been since he found out). However, in a few months he maybe ready to really evaluate the situation.<P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>P.S. Don't worry about the changing, it is not a football game the score does not count. What does count is that ultimately you and your H will get over this. It will be very difficult for him and therefore since you want it to work you will have to carry more of the load than you would like. But you did do this.

Suz32,<P>Just a quick comment on phrasing things that might give you some ideas. I was once told that when dealing with people or organizations never ask a question where the quick answer can be NO! For example, can I do something? No! Rather, do you know of any reasons why I can't do ...? Makes them work to be negative. <P>When addressing your concerns about your H's behavior think about that strategy. There many books out that address this approach to discussing things with people. <P>Another idea mentioned here, and discussed in a book I don't recall the name of, is to change your behavior. This will change the way your H responds to you. This is may be affective if there are specific things he does. Maybe one of the other people here can provide the name of the book to you. If not perhaps a book store or library can lead you in the correct direction.<P>Finally, realize that your H may not be hearing what you are saying in the way you meant for him to hear it. He is in a lot of pain, and probably is wondering why he should change. You will have to come up with ways for him to see it as a win-win situation. Tough sometimes but it can happen. <P>Finally, remember he might be ready for much of this now. (I don't know how long it has been since he found out). However, in a few months he maybe ready to really evaluate the situation.<P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>P.S. Don't worry about the changing, it is not a football game the score does not count. What does count is that ultimately you and your H will get over this. It will be very difficult for him and therefore since you want it to work you will have to carry more of the load than you would like. But you did do this.