My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We spend a lot of time together as a couple and with our 11-year-old son. We enjoy each other's company and are very caring and attentive to the needs of the other. He is a kind, giving, hard-working man. He loves people and likes to make friends. This is his first marriage, but he accepted me and my 3 children from my 1st marriage unconditionally.

We have one problem--we do not have a sexual relationship that fulfills & satisfies both of us. I love my husband with all of my heart, and he loves me as well. But he enjoys sex in a way that I cannot understand. He enjoys porn on the computer. I began to watch it with him to please him and to have sexual intimacy with him, but he would still watch it often when I was gone or asleep. Even worse, to me, was that when I was present, he was more interested in watching the screen than participating with me. He says that this stems from his fantasy of me. I have pieced together my theory that he looks at pictures and videos, but his main turn-on is to join chat rooms and "act/chat out" his fantasies with people he finds on sex/partner-matching sites.

When we are having sex he likes me to talk about his fantasies. The fantasies involve other people. I tried taking part in his "fantasies" for a while by making up stories that seemed to make him happy. This led to him wanting me to talk and fantasize about real people in our life. I actually believe that, if he thought I would, he would like to make some of his fantasies real. This really confuses and scares me. If he loves me (and I believe that he does), why would he want to really see me with someone else?

I have talked to him about how his behavior affects me. He is sad that it hurts me. But he still continues. He does it everyday while I am at work. He thinks that I don't know, but I do. He says that it is not wrong & that he fantasizes about me during his "sessions." He tries to hide it, but I can tell. I know in my heart when we are together, and I know by looking at the internet history. He has never initiated a conversation with me to try to improve our sexual relationship. I am always the one to initiate the dialogue. I am at my wits end. He won't or can't stop what he is doing. I try to accept the way things are. I need him and miss him and want him so badly. Is this an "irreconcilable difference?"

I have begun having some very insecure feelings and thoughts. I fight my hurt feelings and negative thoughts every day. I need someone to talk to. I need to vent a little. This is a very sensitive topic, and this forum seems like a safe place for me to get some input. I hope I am right.

Your husband is an addict.

Addicts only stop when they are ready to. You can't force them, make them, etc. The addiction will escalate.

There are resources out there: COSA (codependants of sex addicts), lots of book by patrick carnes, message boards for supporting partners of porn/sex addicts, sex addiction therapists. There are also a good number of books on codependancy (you watching porn with him, talking about his fantasies is codependant behavior). You probably should educate yourself about addictions in genernal. Try to find something that works for you.

What will you do when your son stumble's on this stuff?

No one can answer if it is an "irreconcilable difference?" except you. For me, it IS if my husband replases. I refuse to raise children with a using, active addict. That is pretty much my only boundary with this.

Let me tell you though, if your husband DOES commit to recovery, it isn't always pretty. Our marriage has definately gone through more painful times since he's been sober. It's hard, hard work. And it isn't pretty.

I believe you are right, he is addicted. It has just taken me a long time to figure this out. It is even harder to accept. I don't want my marriage to fail. First of all, I love my husband and made a committment to him before God. I will stand by him until there is no other choice for me and our son. Secondly, I know firsthand what divorce does to children. I want to fight for this marriage and for our family. This addiction can't be healthy for him or for us. How does an addict come to the realization that the addiction is not only hurting him, but those he loves? What makes an addict want & decide to stop?

These things I don't know. I do need to educate myself on addictive behavior as well my own apparent codependent behavior. I appreciate the resources. I will definately do some research and some soul-searching. My son is my highest priority right now. You hit the nail on the head suggesting that he could stumble onto this. I have a lot to consider.

I know if at some point he decides to give up his addiction, the process will be difficult at best. I wonder if there is hope for us at all. His behavior is always in the back of my mind. When we are apart & I know he is doing what he does, my spirit is crushed, devasted and broken. I am lonely and I hurt all the time. I don't think there is anything that I can choose to do that will make the hurt go away if he continues. I feel very helpless and alone. I really appreciate your response to me. It is really nice to be able to talk to someone.

My husband is into porn and now he has moved up the ladder to prostitutes.We were together 23 years and I was constantly finding that garbage.He would always blame it on someone eles.Then I found him with adult intertainment calling cards in his truck and a lap top with her name on the e-mails along with others.when I confronted him he smashed it up as if that fixes it.Then 5 more years go by and he got locked up by a police sting trying to pay for a prostitute.He lied about the whole thing until it was posted in the records for everyone to view.He has all our friends to run to and he is acting like its no big deal "23 years".One friend told me he put some girl on his phone screensaver.He just proves to me he has no integrity in himself as a man.

Wow. Are you still in the relationship?

NatV,

I thought you might want to read what Dr. Harley says about this particular topic:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html

Thanks Soolee. I have read that before. I am 47 years old, and I guess I am still somewhat of a romantic. It just doesn't seem right that mutually fulfilling sex between 2 people that love each other so much is so difficult to achieve. Even if he gets to the point of wanting to give up his addiction and going through all of the right steps, this "desire" of his will always be there in the backgroud threatening to reappear. To give up an addiction it seems necessary to avoid all contact with the "demon". How do you get rid of an imagination or computers????!!

The way I see it right now in my current state of mind is this-- He likes exotic flavors, I like plain vanilla. Unless we can find a "flavor" out there that we both like better, we are going to have to settle for sexual incompatibility.

I have made the Serenity Prayer my own prayer to my Father in heaven.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I have begun having some very insecure feelings and thoughts. I fight my hurt feelings and negative thoughts every day. I need someone to talk to. I need to vent a little. This is a very sensitive topic, and this forum seems like a safe place for me to get some input. I hope I am right.
********************************************

Check out Recoverynation.com
You need some support.
There is a partners forum that you can post on.

you are compromising yourself and your values to please your husband. Tha tis not good for the relationship.

Sex addiction is about lack of intimacy. Not about the sex. It isn't about the level of kinkiness. He is emotionally stunted. This is the problem.

My husband has been sober from porn for 1 year, 3 months. He hasn't had urges in 6-8 months now. He's been mb sober for a bit over a year.

IF your husband stops using porn, eventually images will fade.
You CAN stop him looking on the computer. Put an filter on, go back to dial up, password protect the computer.

It can be possible to work through, but your husband has to want it.

The most important thing is to get yourself healthy first.

I want to be there for my husband. I want to help him through this. It is good to know that it just may be possible. It is his choice to make, though.

In the meantime, I do need support and help myself. I am at a time in my life that I have many responsibilities with an 11-yr-old at home, college-age kids and a demanding job. Sometimes I find it very hard to focus on the tasks at hand. I have begun reading some of the books you recommeded. I have checked out some web sites that offer help and support such as this one and recoverynation.com that nia17 told me about.

I will dedicate some time everyday to getting myself to a healthy state of mind.

Hi there, this seems so real to me. What I have done is ask him to see someone and move out till he has worked on all his issues. My kids (3 and 7) do not need to be around some one that is a looser. I still love the man I married not the man that lives in our home. The sooner you and your son get away from him the safer the two of you will be.
the son soon will rise a real man will find you and your son and show you love.