Jane, Melody is a vet who has been here for a long time and is very knowlegeable in many areas. Trust me, when she says to download SpectorPro, do it like YESTERDAY! Sorry if I sidetracked with the messenger discussion. With SpectorPro, that will cover it all, and if he is not a computer expert, no worries of him discovering it. Go for it!

Thank you. I guess all of that discussion did get me sidetracked!!!! I am going to do it because I need peace of mind or knowledge, once and for all.

You mentioned he turns the volume down. Watching a little porn?

I just installed a free 7 day trial of a keylogger on my machine. It was pretty easy and I am not very computer savy myself! Check out keylogger.org there is a ton of free info and several free trials available. I chose the All In One Keylogger which I think was ranked number two on their list of reccommended programs. I just did this yesterday so I haven't obtained any info on the H yet but I am hoping that what I find gives me peace of mind, not proof of wrongdoing.

Good Luck!

Lost, have you tried restarting your computer to see what happens? usually those trial keyloggers will flash a warning upon restart or even show pop ups until you pay for it. A DEAD GIVEAWAY! And even then, some of them are NOT invisible no matter what you and can be flushed up the first time the anti virus runs. Be careful!

I have restarted my computer and nothing popped up. I searched for it everywhere I know to look and don't see it anywhere. Now I am worried now though about what it will do when the 7 days are up! I don't think unless something pops up that I need to worry though b/c WH wouldn't know to look for anything anyway. I will be sure to send out the FYI if this does turn out to be a problem. I don't want to have given out bad advice!

Well, unlike anything I have ever done before, I bought the $69 version of Sprecto Pro. Very easy to set up and use. My husband has not been on the computer today but I have been practicing how to use it this afternoon. It will tell me all I want to [or don't want to] know when he does use it.
I am praying that it shows me NOTHING as we are two years into recovery then my mind will be at peace.

I would just like to add one comment to the member who suggested that it was porn. Two years ago when I discovered this website, I came on the discussion board but did not find it helpful at all. I found that there was too much negativity there, and that does not help anyone! I found this post to be nothing but negative. No one has to put ideas in anyone's mind! They are already there! But positive thinking can bring positive results so try to stay on track.

All during our recovery period I tried to stay postive and when I was not, it only did me harm. That is why these thoughts that he may be emailing her again have put me in a negative place. So I am hoping that this keylogger will prove me wrong. And if it doesn't then it will be another challenge for us to overcome.

Thanks for all of you who have been helpful and I will keep you posted.

Thank you for all of your help. I just want to tell you that after two days and nights with the keylogger, my suspicions have proven to be totally not true, thank God. I was able not only to trace every step but was also able to see that he has EVERYONE blocked on his instant message and there were no messages at all in the saved, deleted or new mail.

Trust is the hardest thing to get back. It has been two years for us now and every once in a while my imagination takes over.

To all of you out there who are trying to put the pieces back together, keep going forward. There will be times when you might think it is not working but it does if you follow Dr. Harley's advice. And I can tell you it iw well worth the effort.

Jane, that is awesome! That keylogger was a miracle in my marriage because I could RELAX when I could independently verify my H's honesty. It did wonders to restore trust. With your H's past problems on the internet, I would keep that on there and check it occasionally just to make sure.

I will keep it on there and check just for my peace of mind if for nothing else. I felt so AWFUL when I was checking up on him and then I thought "I wonder how he felt when he was having the affair?" I even had a dream the first night that it came over the TV that I had it on the computer. TOO FUNNY! I lost a lot of sleep the first night. I guess I was just anxious about what I would find on there and lo and behold there was NOTHING!
Trust is my hardest issue and now with the keylogger I can trust again, after two years. It is a very good feeling. You see, now that we are both retired and home all of the time, he never goes anywhere by himself for longer than an hour so the computer was my only concern.
She was VERY persisitant by email and im's even after we BOTH told her that it was over. In a way, I feel sorry for her. You see, God gave us this problem to make our marriage even better than it ever was so for that I am thankful!!! Everything happens for a reason.

I am not sure if anyone is watching this post but I did promise you all an update.

Well, I got the keylogger and it is very easy to use and was very revealing! I was feeling sooooooooooooooooo guilty when I installed it and everytime I went to check activity my heart would pound and again I would feel guilty for syping!!

No, I did not catch my husband doing anything wrong at all or sending any instant messages or emails but-----low and behold there was an email from his lover after a few days!!!! All it merely said was THINKING OF YOU. So I confronted him about it. He told me that he has not been in contact with her at all and had nothing to do with the email. He handed me the phone and told me to call her if I did not believe him.

Well, I did! Now you have to understand that I had only had one conversation with her before and that was the very day that I found out about the affair.

She was shocked to hear from me and I just very politely asked her not to have any contact with either my husband or myself. She did not know what to say in the beginning but after a while admitted that she has not heard from him but that she is going through a rough time in her life and needed a FRIEND to talk to. I told her it was impossible for her to be friends with my husband and she kept saying it was not! That they had a lot in common and that she misses him and will always love him. She said she has 1 1/2 years of memories and could not let it go. I told her that I have 45 years of memories and that is why we are working on our marriage every day!!!!

Long story short, I told her to put herself in my shoes and would she like it if her husband was FRIENDS with the x-lover? She eventually saw the light.

I will not go into all of the detail but we talked for about 45 minutes and I believe it was very healing for both of us. She promised that she will not contact him again but did not know what she would do if he contacted her, although she repeated again that it has been a long long time since that happened. I told her that was fair enough. I think that I shocked her when I told her that I had prayed for her recovery and had been sending her good thoughts as part of my healing process. She was amazed and asked how I did it. I gave her some suggestions for her healing journey and will say that all things happen for a reason.

I have bid her farewell and truly wish her all of the best that life can offer her [without my husband in it!!!! LOL]

I also wish all of you out there the best of everything. I know how rough it can be but my husband and I are living proof that Dr. Harley is right-----they can be life after an affair if you put your mind to it and give it all you've got!

So the story is that you thought hubby might be in contact and after much debating you put a keylogger on the computer, and within a couple days, his ex-lover emailed that she missed him?

And now they both claim that this is the only time one contacted the other, and it just happened to be within two days of you installing the keylogger?

I must be cynical. It sounds fishy to me.

WOW you are not much of a believer as your user name might imply!!!!!
NO, it was not within a couple of days-it was weeks! And no it did not say she missed him, it merely said "thinking of you"
I have been watching everything on computer now for a month and that was the only contact either way!
Oh and by the way-we did everything that DR Harley recommends, even sold our home and moved!!!!! I think that makes me a "believer!"
And, we are both retired and we do not go anywhere alone and so I am sure he has not seen her.
When I first found out about this two years ago, I tried using the forum here but found it all very negative most of the time. I was trying my best to be positive and found that the negativity here was not helpful at all!!!!! And to tell you the truth, that is how I felt about your response.

Jane. . .

I didn't read your whole thread. I read only believer's comment and your response to come up with something to say.

Do you realize that the betrayed spouse has their own "Fog?"

Believer was trying to get you to look deeper into the story and she was correct by so doing. Please remember that this forum doesn't react to YOU as an individual, it reacts in the context of the thousands of people JUST LIKE YOU who have posted here.

You turned defensive on her and tried to shoot the messenger. Shame on you. Believer was just trying to help you to protect yourself from further emotional damage. And you turned on her.
You immediately got confrontational. You hurled accusations that showed that you were still in your own "Fog."

Never forget that an affair is the gift that keeps on giving. Now I will go read the rest of the comments and see if I can come up with something constructive that doesn't trigger you into blasting me.

Oh, and as far as your reaction to this forum, please understand that it isn't the forum, it is you. Do you really think that a support group thrives on negative? It doesn't. A truly negative support group dies out over time. Only a positive one keeps on going over the years as people get helped and in turn help others. That is the way it works. If you think different, time for you to examine yourself, and not point fingers on a proven success.

Larry

Jane,

I am not trying to be negative at all. I certainly see where Believer is coming from.

The question in MY mind is: Why didn't your H tell YOU about the e-mail instead of YOU having to find it? That's what Radical Honesty is all about. The fact that YOU had to find it and THEN ask him about it starts red flags waving.

And again, YOU were already suspicious when you came here. Suspicious about your H's computer usage, which is exactly where you found the e-mail.

My H has a terrible problem with honesty. On D-Day he also told me to call the OW. She doesn't speak English and he KNEW I wouldn't be able to get information from her. It was as good as having her lie to me.

I think all anyone is saying is that you need to consider the possibility that there may be more contact than you think. If not, that's fantastic, but you still have to look at the Honesty issue.


WH2LE

Hmmm. I had a very similar converation with OW in my situation. She was sweet as pie... understood where I was coming from... promised to back off.

It was all a lie.

Sorry, if you think this is "negative"... that's not the intention. It's to remind you that WS and OP lie... a lot.

Oh and BTW... "believer" is one of the sweeter and positive people on this forum... I can promise you she means no harm... you should take a look at why you react. Is something hitting home?

I wish you well.

Before I knew about the A (but had an inkling), I asked OW and WH straight to their faces if they had had sex and they both lied. They blew it off like it was completely ridiculous. At that point, not only did I want to believe them, I believed that they would have at least told me the truth when I asked them to their faces. They didn't.

People lie when they want to protect something. They will lie to your face. It is hard to believe, but it is true.

I would like to make it very clear that I never said that "believer" was not a sweet person as was inferred in one of the replies.
I originally came on here seeking advise as to how to put my mind at ease or find out the truth about my husband's activity on the computer. I know how people lie, believe me! I have had plenty told to me in the past few years.
The keylogger was and still is very helpful as I have not found him doing anything, but found the one email from her, as I stated. Yes, I did "react" to "believer's" response to me but maybe it was because I did not find him doing anything which was implied in that response.
Oh, one person asked why he did not "tell" me about the email first. VERY SIMPLE! He had not read it yet when I asked him if he has heard from her. I know that for a fact from the keylogger. He told me no and then we checked his email together!!!!!! So you see-----all is not the way it seems, as one of the users hinted that he had lied to me about it.
I also think that people need to realize that just because they had certain experiences, that does not mean that it is the same for everyone!
I will continue to use the keylogger and I hope that I never find anything to ruin all of the hard work that we have done thanks to DR Harley. I guess I am still working on the trust issue, which I think is the hardest part of all of this!

I had prayed that if anything were going on with my husband and the other woman that some way I would find out. I believe that divine intervention was what led me to be worried and thus install the key logger. I will continue to watch computer activity for my own peace of mind but am confident that I will continue to find nothing. But if she gets in touch with him again then I will have to address it.

I would just like to add one more thing-whether or not you are working through your marriage [which is a day to day process] or whether your marriage has ended because of the affair, do your best to move forward. As DR Harley has said, suffering from the effects of infidelity can sometimes be worse than losing a loved one to death! I believe that!!! But always believe in yourself first. The human spirit is a marvelous thing.

I know what you are all going through as my husband's affair came in our 39th year of marriage!!!!! It cut me to the depths of my very soul. I did not know it was possible to hurt that much.

Letting go of our suffering is the hardest work we will ever do. It is also the most fruitful. To heal means to meet ourselves in a new way -- in the newness of each moment where all is possible and nothing is limited to the old.

I wish you all well, and remember-positive thinking brings positive results.