W and I are planning to divorce. My immediate concern is the well being of our 14 year old D (she is a high school freshman). I am inclined to seek D’s preference on custody arrangements, which would heavily influence how I would proceed with my end of divorce negotiations.

My question is:

Is giving D this choice, harmful to children this age as opposed to it being decided by a 3rd party ?

Oh Dear PF - you have reached this sad point, even though you held on for so very long...

As long as she knows she would be loved and accepted no matter her choice, she is the best one to choose.

However, if either you or your wife do the tug-o-war over her and she is feeling like she has to reject one parent to show love to the other, this is very very sick and she will, given a choice, choose neither of you.

My sister's best friend considers my mother the one who raised her, taught her most important things, and overall feels her mother and father didn't really care about her - only about winning one more war against the other, symbolized in her choice. She lived with us for six years. Her children call my parents Grandma and Grandpa.

So very sad.

Be the very best dad you can be. She needs you now more than ever.

We were advised by 2 counselors to make the decision for our son (he was 15 - almost 16 at the time we separated). They said it was too heavy of a decision for a teenager to make. Think about it - you are asking your child to choose between the two of you.

That said, my H and I agreed to 50/50% custody and were never in dispute about this. Make it a lot easier.

In many states, you are required to go through mediation if you can't agree to custody. I would seek the advise of a professional counselor or two. How you handle this will have a bearing on your daughter for the rest of her life. Good luck.

I think it really depends. I know my friend chose to live with her father after spending 2 years living with her mom. She was in 9th grade at the time.

If both you and your wife can make it a safe envirnment for your daughter to express a preference, then I think she may like to have some input. Safe means that your D will know that neither parent will feel rejected if she doesn't chose them.

One thing to consider is sleepovers. If your daughter does a lot of sleepovers, you may not want her to live mainly with you. I spent a lot of overnights with my friend at her dad's apartment, but that was 25 years ago. Parents and teenagers are much more paranoid now.

Also, if you think it would be harmful for your daughter to live mainly with her mother, you shouldn't give her the choice.

Just my two cents.

BTW, sorry to see you here, but it's really not so bad after a year or so. Sometimes even less than a year if you've been around MB for a while. I know that Newly and I made wonderful recoveries from the DV part, although we still gripe about our exs' current behaviors.

It’s my intent at this point to be D’s advocate when it comes to voicing her preference about custody. W told me that she would contest if D chose me. This imo makes it difficult on D.

I am sorry you have to divorce but that wife was toxic and weird and mean. You tried.

After it is over, you can rebuild your life into a real LIFE! Do not ever date mentally ill toxic women ever again, OK?

YOU are precious and YOU should have a great life!

Your D's decision, at 14, would most likely have a lot of bearing in a judge's ruling. If it comes to that. I hope it won't, for everyone's sake.

Are you keeping the house? Who will live in it? Where will the other live? What about schools and your D's friends?

I was afraid it was only a matter time...but Scott...you DID try in an abundance and for that please be comforted.

In my jurisdiction, at 14 they have the choice. There is no mediation or custody battle - simply a preference of the child. The child can also change their mind at any time (provided the non-custodial parent is willing). I know one split family where the parents live 2000 km apart in different provinces. The kids spent the school year with mom and summer vacation with dad. As each one hit 14, they moved west with dad. I don't think this is a great situation. It would be better if there was a more shared arrangement - where the child could spend as much time as he/she wanted with either parent. But this requires that the parents live close enough together that the child can attend the same school, keep the same friends, join the same sports and other after school activities.

Laura, after we got hit in 04 with the hurricane when we rebuilt I added on a considerable amount of living area, primarily for a future investment. I’m cash poor at the moment (I just starting a new business). For now ,I moving upstairs. We don’t have any details worked out yet. We will most likely wait until school and final exams are over to tell D.

I’m pretty sure that D will want to stay in our house. If I do leave and establish another residence then I feel like I would be walking away from the opportunity to be in D’s every day life. I also know how weird it is for a divorced couple to cohabitant together and that’s not a pleasant thought either. If finances improve I could buy W out, but now is bad timing.

W does not appear to plan to leave the area so D’s schools and friends should stay the same. I proposed a “bird’s nest custody/living arrangement where W and I alternate living in the house with D in 3 month intervals.

I was afraid it was only a matter time...but Scott...you DID try in an abundance and for that please be comforted.

W and I both put in all the effort that we had to give. To be honest we remained together way too long. Our C agreed that divorce was in both of our best interest.

I am sorry you have to divorce but that wife was toxic and weird and mean. You tried.

Stella W did get some much-needed help. She is functioning much better now than 2 years ago, but she is not someone I want to be married to. That’s the good that has happened from the most recent counseling. I’d say that our relationship was toxic.

After it is over, you can rebuild your life into a real LIFE!
I hope it’s over soon. We have a ton of legalities to deal with and it probably won’ t go all that smooth.

Do not ever date mentally ill toxic women ever again, OK?

I’m not looking at it from the POV that W was mentally ill/toxic. I have a mental list of attributes that I’d be looking for in a future partner. Many of which are opposite from what I have seen in W.

Why? Do you now feel she has a healthy outlook regarding relationships and sex?

I look at it as “She is the wrong person for me”. She might do fine with someone who would be happy with the way that she interacts. She might find an impotent guy and they live happily ever after. Maybe that’s 2 dysfunctional people that mesh.

For the last 14 months our C has been hammering “Don’t Blame”. Maybe my vision of not looking at W like she herself is toxic is from the result of C reiterating this point. I do know that I will no longer tolerate being married to her and I don’t feel guilty about it.