I posted here earlier about my wife being in the early stages of an emotional affair. We talked about it, used principles from this site, and she started going to a marriage counselor. Things were getting better... but I couldn't shake the trust that had been broken. I kept having anxiety, panic, a sense that things just "weren't right". She kept trying to persuade me that it was all in my head, that I just needed to relax, and that time would help.

I'm 26, she's 27. Been married 3 1/2 years. Seemingly great marriage, (by her admission and my own) except for her issues... she has started to feel "stifled" by marriage, wants to be free, is "sick of giving and giving and giving" and not getting "enough back". No children.

Turns out she's having an affair. With a new man, a local politician. My suspicions were founded, and I discovered their email correspondence. He is older, married, with two children. They have slept together once and have been involved for two weeks.

I confronted her today. Very calm, rational (thanks to all the strategies I have been reading on this site - SO GLAD I found this site before D-Day). She was gaslighting (or whatever you call it), upset, says she hasn't been happy for months, etc.

We talked again later. I sent a very civil text message to the OM, letting him know that I will be telling his wife, not out of spite, but so that she has the truth that she needs to begin to work through it.

WW and I talked more this afternoon. She thinks she wants a divorce. She says she doesn't have the energy to put into fixing a marriage. (BTW she has always thought that marriage "shouldn't have to be work" - very strange mentality....) She says she hasn't thought of any of the consequences, i.e. financials (we own a $250,000 house and she makes $17/hr - I'm the breadwinner but she would take the house since her grandma put the downpayment on it - house is not sellable in our current CA market), the lives she's ruining, the impact on our friends, not having me in her life, etc.

She's basically in that WW "fog" of la-la land. I know that either way we go, it will be hard for me, but she doesn't seem to be willing to try it, and I don't know if it's worth it. Cut my losses and run, try to heal? Or stay and fight? If so, how? How do I fight for a marriage that she doesn't want to work on???

I need help.... I'm surprisingly calm but in a lot of pain. I need advice.

First mistake never warn that you are going to expose. You gave the OM time to do damage control and paint you as a crazy jealous spouse.

Besides why call the OM to Expose. Ah, he knows he's in an affair.

Expose OMW now. Then expose to WW parents and siblings.

BS's are always guided to wait six months before deciding to divorce. You are to upset to make any important decisions.

Consider that this is her 2nd affair and being that there are no children you may come to the conclusion that WW is broken. You maybe better off with out her.

What TR said. A politician doesn't have any time for a woman not worth the trouble. IN WW's mind, she's in luuuuuurve, in
politicians's mind, she's trouble with a capital T. Expose to his wife and see how quick your WW gets thrown under the bus, have proof when you do it, she may go all shocky on you and such. This will end in OM's mind quicker than it started. Your wife will regroup and then he will kick her to the curb..then WW will realize she was just a piece of meat to him. Politicians never admit to any wrong doing, most ikely he will paint your WW as a lovesick groupie. Best of luck to ya! GF

Thanks for all the advice so far - please, anybody else with perspective feel free to chime in.

I am having trouble getting OMW's number - it is unlisted and I don't know where she works. Any ideas on how to get that on my own?
I know her name and the town she lives in...

CH,

I am much older than your father probably. At your age and given that she has always thought that a marriage should require any effort, I would consider letting her have what she wants...her freedom.

I would give it some time. I would definitely expose to OM's W, who I am sure you can find if you hire a PI. Or google her name, you might find her place of work IF she works.

But, there is no compelling reason to stay in a marriage when you are this young, have no children, and you have a W that never did understand that marriage is not going steady.

If she changes her mind and wants to work on it, consider it.

But, take sometime, a month or two for sure, and see what happens.

Oh, and read all of Harley's articles, they will help you in the future.

God Bless,

JL

You are getting off very cheaply. Luckily you found out she doesn't want to work on anything BEFORE you had a couple of kids. I would give her her freedom.

And I would insist on half of the marital property. California law requires her to get her downpayment out of the home and half the equity. The market is bad right now, but will pick up again. I wouldn't make it easy on your wife by letting her have everything.

Try Zabasearch. It worked for me on an unlisted number.

Believer, the downpayment was a $40,000 gift from her grandma. Am I entitled to that? There is not much additional equity (bought the house less than a year ago and payments primarily went to interest)... can you elaborate?

Was it a gift to both of you, as a married couple? Or a gift to her, before the marriage?

Given the short time of the marriage, and the fact that you don't have children, I think you should think very hard whether you want to go through what it will take to recover your marriage, if its even possible.

Plan A and ending the A is only the first step in a long, painful process. It is difficult even under the best of circumstances.

However, there is something to be said for recognizing your mistakes, doing what you can to correct them, and learning in the end that all of this was NOT all your fault. It is a part of the healing process for YOU, and I think that you will come out better knowing that you did everything you could do.

Just realize that these plans do not guarantee a successful marital recovery, but implementing them will teach you alot about yourself and get you a leg up on your personal recovery even if the marriage fails. Find OMWs number, its out there, somewhere. There's a private investigator (Frank Music I believe?) that has been used by several here who is very good at this type of thing if the paid internet searches can't find it.

Exposure will most likely be the end of this A. Until the A is over, recovery will not even be possible.

It was a gift to both of us as a married couple.

I'm going straight to Plan B.
I am moving out, getting separated, new apartment.
I don't know if I really want to continue the marriage. She is really confused as well, but is saying she doesn't think she is made to be a wife. (This is not who we know her to be - she has changed). It's frustrating because I don't know who she is and don't think she's thinking straight.

And I love her to death. We had a WONDERFUL marriage, even by her admission, we were the envy of every married couple. She's throwing it away based on fear.

She has a very troubled family past including abandonment and abuse. She had risen above it but I think it is rearing its ugly head.

I don't know if this is going to be worth it. But I hate to lose my house.

She is starting to show emotion, remorse, and signs of clear thinking.

I called the OMW (got her number from the church). Politician OM had put his own spin on it, of course. I set the record straight and she was pretty shocked. She's a little bit in denial about what a good, honest man he is - and that he must be telling her the truth. PFFTT. They are going through counseling and I hope they make it.

Plan B is predicated on a good Plan A. You may want to rethink things a bit. You just threw a grenade into affair land by exposing to OMW! Good work!

I would suggest getting into or continuing a strong Plan A while you consider your options. I would suggest that you do NOT leave your home and get an apartment right now, but hold tight and see what happens.

ACT, do not REACT.

Try to go six months of a good plan A.

She is sorry for the pain she caused me, but wants a separation. She is unwilling to compromise right now on "herself" - she thinks she wants to live free and get her emotional highs from conquering men sexually. She thinks she is shaking off society's rules. She doesn't think that these actions in our town will have a negative effect on her as she aspires to be a community leader. I'm thinking she's in la-la-land on this one. She wants to get a clear head...
In the meantime she is going to probably lose her job, won't be able to pay mortgage without grandmas help, get renters in the house - but she really wants to go through with this separation. It is the only option in her mind (and up to now, only option in my head too).

Am I really supposed to do Plan A on this one? I feel like she's not going to get it until I'm gone! How would I do Plan A when she is telling me she wants to and will continue to have sex with other men?

ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH what to do damn it.

You cannot control her. Understand and believe that! All you can control is YOU. You do what you believe to be right, REGARDLESS of what she is doing. That doesn't mean be a doormat. You need to really delve into yourself and decide what you are willing to tolerate in your life, what your boundaries are.

It sounds to me like you are married to a very immature and self centered woman/child. It doesn't sound like she is "marriage material" right now, and it could be quite some time before she is, if ever. I would suggest that it is not your job to raise her, and certainly not your job to "fix" her.

I would suggest that if a separation is what she really wants, that you strike a very hard bargain with her in the form of a legal separation agreement. She is likely to take you up on this right now as she seems desperate to carry on with her destruction and has little regard for the consequences of her actions and decisions. Use this to your advantage.

If you can get that established, you may then proceed at whatever pace your desire regarding recovery.


I still say do not move. Do not allow renters in while you are there. Continue to apply pressure to the fantasy land she is living in. Do not support her in her adultery, but do not fight with her about it either.

Did you make copies of the e-mails? Send copies to OMW.

Have you exposed her adultery to her grandmother?

CH:

Just a couple of points that may or may not be of help.

You had said in your earlier post that your wife had earlier in her life been subject to abuse. This sexual abuse often causes problems with promiscuity later on. My FWW is such a case. The abuse, from what I've been told, leads to several psychological/personality issues. One is a subconscious general disrespect for men. Sex is used for power, to give her a sense of dominance and control over a man, to compensate for the sense of humiliation suffered from the abuse. Also, and seemingly in contradiction to the first motive, sex with men is used as a validation, to remedy their low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth caused by the humiliation of the abuse. In this motive, they're using sex as a surrogate for love, to feel love and needed from these multiple sex partners.

If this is the case with your WW, then you will have to prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster ride, if you two reconcile the present situation. Contrary to the impression I had before we were married, my wife is a very needy person, emotionally. Before I realized this, she had two affairs. To prevent any further, I have to constantly stroke her ego, and say "I love you." I have to constantly be on watch for any new clothes she might have on, or a new color of eye shadow, or any changes to her hair, etc. If I don't notice and compliment her on them, she becomes irate or glum.

If such is the case with your wife, you might consider a strong Plan A. I think everyone here would agree that it is very difficult to carry out a Plan A, knowing that your wife is out having sex, whether that be with one lover, or multiple partners. You may ask your doctor for a script for an an anti-anxiety med and/or sleeping pills. They helped me so I could function during the day on my job.

A Plan A may provide the emotional strokes and validation that she psychologically craves to the extent that the promiscuity is no longer worth the trouble. You, though, will have to decide if she is worth the trouble. When things are good between my FWW and me, they are fantastic. But, living with her is like constantly walking on eggshells. In a flash, life can turn from heaven to hell.

If, after trying a Plan A and showing you can meet her neediness (if you choose), and she still continues her promiscuity, then a Plan B would be in order, showing her what she will miss, and that she will have to get her validation solely from her promiscuity. Assuming her dark side has been exposed to friends and family, this burden may be enough to convince her to return.

Best of Luck

I have made contact with OMW. She does not currently want to see the emails, but is aware I am only a phone call away. Must be a woman thing - I would want to see EVERYTHING were it me.

Yes, her step-grandmother knows. She has a history of adultery too, in fact carried on a 20-year affair with my WW's real grandfather, marrying him after his wife died. So although she is wise, her advice leans toward "do what makes you happy".

I sent WW an email today offering to wait 2 weeks before deciding to separate. She already has a potential renter coming to look at the house.

Tyk, I am starting to wonder if maybe you are right about me staying where I am at. It would make it harder on her. Except... I don't know if I want to right now for my own mental health. I could absolutely tell her I'm not leaving and she would have to deal with it.

But wouldn't it be perhaps a better dose of reality for her to live her life without me there, without half her furniture, etc...? I don't know, I'm thinking out loud. I need more advice from you older, more experienced people.

And BTW, I have anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills - they are helping me cope day-to-day right now in conjunction with lots of talking with friends/family and prayer.

Thank you all for helping, please PLEASE keep your sage thoughts and advice coming.

Also, about her past...

She was not sexually abused.
Her real father, a pastor, carried on a secret affair with his secretary. After my WW was conceived, he left WW's mother and ran off with the secretary. She has had no contact with him except for him coming to her high school graduation. She hates him.
Her step-father was a cruel, messed-up man who emotionally abused her; i.e. nothing she did was ever good enough. He was an alcoholic. Mother was weak, depressed, and emotionally absent from WW. WW felt like she had to grow up on her own, and as a result is fiercely independent.

She says that through high school, she got her validation from "conquering men", getting her high from having power over them, making them want her.
In college it faded, she thought it was gone for good. That's when we met. She was open about her past but saw it as dark.
Then, closer to now, she's become more confident in herself, losing weight, working out, getting involved in the community. All great things! I have been supporting her and doing the same myself. However, she has begun to think that her high-school self is the "real her" because she associates her positive changes with how good she felt about herself in high school.
She thinks she doesn't have any option to change - "this is who she is". I have posited that her perspective is due to her past - that she will never be fulfilled by continuing to conquer men. She must know that's true but she is in denial. I told her she is not the first person to deal with these things, and that she has the POWER to be healed and work through her issues, if she wants.

We will see.

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEWARE OF MARRYING PEOPLE WITH HORRIBLE PASTS.... it affects their psyche more than I ever thought.

Generally, WSs want a separation (typically cast in such terms as "needing space" "needing time to find themselves" "needing time to think about things" etc) for the purpose of carrying on thier infidelity without interference from the BS. If you are wanting or hoping to have a chance to recover your M, then you need to do everything you can to interfere with the A. Staying home makes things that much more difficult for her. It is harder on you. Recognize that what you are going through is NOT easy. Its horrible and painful and no one would blame you for throwing in the towel and bailing. Many, in fact, would recommend you do just that. But if that isn't what you want to do, then you suck it up, you hold on, and you endure, knowing that you are following a PLAN, and that YOU are going to do whatever you can to save your marriage. If that's not possible, then you will move on knowing you did what you could.

If you hope to save your marriage, stay put through Plan A. When you feel you have done a good Plan A for as long as you feel it is being effective, then you move to Plan B, which in your case may call for you moving out.

And yes, there were FOO (family of origin) issues with my WW as well. It explains things, it provides insight and understanding, but it does not excuse thier behavior.