i am having trouble understanding all the abbreviations - WS, etc. IS there a list somewhere?


I have been married for 14 years. It has never been good. I have had a mistress for 7 years. IT has been great.


My integrity and conscience can no longer stand it. I need to take action. I am not in a place where I want to give the mistress up. It is also hard to think about giving up the family and all that entails. I feel like the OW is the gal for me. My W and I have a 14 year old boy.

How can I make some movement on this? I am so stuck it hurts!

Thank you

Isn't the truth always better? If it were your wife having an affair wouldn't you want to know? Is it fair to the OW to be stringing her along? I am not saying these things to be mean, but think of everyone involved. If you want to stay married then do what needs doing to make it work, if you want to be with the OW then do what needs doing to be with her. I know I make it sound easy and I know it's not, but really you said yourself you can't live like that anymore.

In the "Just Found Out" forum the second post is "acronyms, abbreviations"

Do you really expect that your marriage could ever be very good while you are putting your energy into hiding and being with your mistress?

Does your mistress know you are married? If so, what does that tell you about the kind of woman she is?

When you say your marriage have never been good it sounds to me like you are rewriting history. Look at your family photos and videos, what do you see?

As for how do you make some movement, it's like the Nike slogan "Just Do It". Make a commitment to one woman (the one you already made vows to) and stick to it. In case you forgot, you made the choice when you got married.

Are you here to get help to reBUILD your MARRIAGE? From where I sit, it looks like you are looking for someone here to tell you that what you are doing is okay...It is NOT...This is NOT a place to get help or support to continue your affair...

So what are you looking for?

Mrs. W

genjohn, the way to get unstuck is to tell your wife the truth. She can help keep you honest.

Another great help would be to get phone coaching from Steve Harley. He will give you a PLAN to get out of this hale and learn to get what you NEED from your marriage. [seriously, you can have that]

Wouldn't you like to get what the OW gives you in your marriage, in a way that does not compromise your honor and integrity? You can have that with his help.

John, he can guide you out of this mess. I know you are in pain. This is a horrible way to live. But you do not have to live like this. You can get what you need in your marriage without this tremendous sacrifice. You can have your honor back and live out in the open like other people.

But the first step has to be honesty. Your wife has to be told the truth.

I take that back. Maybe you CAN'T ever get what you want out of your marriage. But you will never know unless you TRY FIRST. And the first step in that process is honesty along with a workable PLAN.

I urge you to get advice from a professional counselor before telling your wife. It seems like the popular opinion on here is to come clean immediately. But I think it would be very benifical to you and your wife to get some professional guideance first.

How you tell her and what you say when you tell her will stay with her for a long time.

can't, that "popular opinion" you see here is straight from DR. Willard HARLEY, a "professional" psychologist. John does not need a counselor to tell his wife the truth. He probably needs professional guidance to recover, but there is no hope of that happening until the truth comes out. Here is Dr. Harley's [a "professional"] educated opinion about telling the spouse the truth. Never does he say one needs to get 'professional advice" to do so:

Dr. Harley: "From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity."

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

I never said he shouldn't tell her. I just urged him to get some professional help in how to tell her.

I must be missing it, but I don't see anywhere that Dr. Harley says that it is wrong to get professional guidance when telling the spouse.

He's been having an affair for 7 years, I don't what it would hurt to wait a couple of more days so that he can get some professional advice on how to tell her and support her when she is falling apart from this life changing information.

Thats unnecessary. Dr. Harley, who is a professional, has never advised anyone to get "professional help" in telling a spouse the truth.

Has he ever advised against getting professional help? Has he said why getting help would be wrong?

Please don't take these questions the wrong way, I am not trying to be arguementative. I truely would like to know the answers. I am just trying to figure out why getting help would be wrong. This is such a life changing thing that he is going to tell his wife.

cant, no one said it would be "wrong," but that it's unnecessary. There is no reason to believe he needs professional help to tell the truth and the "professional" here, Dr. Harley - a psychologist, has never recommended it. It's unnecessary

Bear in mind also Cant, that you are talking to an ACTIVE WAYWARD SPOUSE on this thread...An active WS will look for any excuse or loophole to AVOID telling the truth...

There really is no "professional" way to tell the truth...No way to pretty up adultery...No matter how this man's wife is told, she will be devastated, BUT she MUST be told...The sooner the better...Each day that he withholds the truth from her compounds the betrayal...

Mrs. W

Thanks for explaining it to me.

I think I just personalized this too much and it makes me think of my DDay. There are so many things I wish my FWH hadn't said to me and then he began counseling about 2 weeks later and the counseling seemed to be such a trememdous help that I can't help but be a big supporter of counseling to help people get their thoughts straight in such a confusing and difficult times.

Thanks again for the explaination of Dr. Harleys view on this.

Just for the record, Dr Harley does advise extreme caution in getting professional "counseling" because most counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and cause more harm than good.

Marriage counselors, for example, have the highest failure rate of any of the counseling disciplines at 84% failure. They also have a higher divorce rate than the gen population.

That is not why he doesn't recommend professional help for telling a spouse the truth, though. He doesn't because, apparently, he doesn't think its necessary. And I would agree with him.

JMHO-- the BEST action for this poster is to counsel with the Harleys privately to work out a plan for telling his spouse.

it baffles me when a WS comes to "Marriage Builders" to seek guidance on how to divorce

To All the fine people on this site:

I want to thank all the people who reacted with compassion and with love. Personally, the people who reacted with anger, accusations, and hostility probably have some work to do - though not as much as I do!

I cannot describe the pain an angst of loving two women. The pain is palpable. I know what a drug addict must feel like. I can now see how that addict will give up everything they own for a fix or a drug. And while I think that many would accuse drug addicts of weak character, duplicitous behavior, and of being downright scallywags I must favor the medical model. The addict is sick and so is the spouse with a lover. Very sick.

Thank you Melopdy and Chrysalis. I took your advice. I had an Appointment with Dr. H. He is working with us. I know I will have to tell my W when Dr., H gives the green light. I would like to do it soooner rather the later but I have turned my disease and my recovery over to a professional.

Thank you for the love and kindness - you know who you are!!